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  1. #41
    violaine
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    Sorry to hear that. From what I have observed, it takes a lot for an INTP to initiate the break up conversation. It's very much over for them by that time. He hasn't talked to you in three weeks? You are done. He is trying to let you down gently with your new arrangement and is hoping you will use the time to get over him. He most likely doesn't want to deal with any upsetting emotional drama. Did he suggest seeing other people? You're definitely done.

    What to do. I wouldn't let my own feelings cloud the reality of the situation. (Which is that he broke up with you and apparently hasn't talked to you for weeks. And possibly suggested seeing other people during your "break".) I would send him a brief, non-hysterical email. I would say that it's been a few weeks and you haven't talked. I would tell him he has permission to be honest. I would ask what prompted the break up. I would ask him if he'd prefer to just end things cleanly now and let him know you are ok with that. You will get the truth out of him then instead of his attempts to avoid dealing with your feelings at all costs. And hopefully you can deal with the answers if they aren't what you want to hear. At least you'll know and can move on.

    I watched an INTP I know break contact with someone he was soooo over, and had been for months and months and months. He thought she would get the message if he just didn't talk to her. He was shocked that she didn't get it. I wasn't. She was holding on to how she felt about it, rather than looking at the honest truth of their interactions. He would have done anything to avoid a big dramatic scene. From that, I've concluded that you have to give the INTP explicit permission to not just say what he thinks you want to hear.

  2. #42
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    @violaine: I'm not truly convinced by your thoughts (share more, if you please). I absolutely cannot understand why he would say all of those very positive things about reconciliation, after I came to him without emotions - I came to him to LOGICALLY discuss the relationship and hash out the details. He HAD permission to say what he wanted, I actually told him up front, "You can say whatever you feel, I checked my heart at the door and I really do want to come to the most logical conclusion together, rather than as two separate individuals. Whatever you have to say, I will respect and whatever decision we make, I will abide by and respect." We discussed all 4 options: stay together, temporary trial another-go, temporary trial breakup and permananet breakup. He chose temporary breakup. We also discussed his need to remain open to the possibility (prior to even chatting).

    And the three-week thing: that was since we initially broke up. The time period since we last spoke is 1.5 weeks.

    We were together for 3 years to the day.

    Regardless, I do appriciate your thoughts. I really would love if a male INTP would respond too!

  3. #43
    violaine
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    I'm obviously not you and I don't know the ins and outs of things. But as an outsider looking at your situation as you've presented it, and putting my own self in that position, I would not be inclined to spend too much time in limbo. The big flashing light if it were me, is that he broke up with me and is ok with us both seeing other people. I'm dating an INTP. And while I don't think personality types all share one hive mind, there's no way he would want me seeing someone else if he had those strong feelings only for me. I can absolutely see him doing something like this if he wanted out but didn't want to hurt me. But good luck, I can imagine it's an upsetting and confusing time. :/

  4. #44
    lurking Rasofy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dovet View Post
    As I understand the INTP, once it's over, it's over.
    Not necessarily. We are Ps, remember?

    My bf (INTP) broke up with me out of the blue.
    Typical.

    A week later, he agreed to meet with me to logically go through the "problems" we had (we didn't really have problems), and come to a mutual agreement about what to do. It was decided that we would take a temporary break. A few months. He absolutely promised that we'd meet up and we set a date, time and location, and he also said "people get back together all the time." He also requested that I not tell anyone, in case we get back together, it not be complicated. We also remained friends and "in a relationship" on facebook (though it has been hidden from everyone, and after, he didn't trust that, so he did end up changing it to "single"). We set expectations for the time of no-talking, which included no contact, that we both could/should date (but if we get back together, we will never discuss our time apart), and (my expectation of him) that he would BE OPEN-MINDED to the possibility, especially after such a long discussion of the non-dealbreakers in our relationship.
    Sounds like he is in doubt.

    What am I to think now? It hasn't been much time (3 weeks) and I'm going mad - that's the scientist and ENFJ in me. I can't help but fear that he's already forgotten all about me, and, thus, isn't being open-minded. I also can't help but fear that if he IS still thinking of me, he's intentionally squashing all of his feelings and focusing on "bad" things so as to get over me. Do you suppose this is accurate? Dare I write him an email reminder? Advice?

    PS - I HIGHLY doubt he will date anyone new. He fits the mold of a "recluse". And I love him!
    There are many hypotheses, really.
    a) He thinks you are too clingy (which introverts,specially the ''recluses'' hate)
    b) He is in a bad phase and wants more time alone (typical Enneagram 5 at unhealthy levels)
    Level 7: Become reclusive and isolated from reality, eccentric and nihilistic. Highly unstable and fearful of aggressions: they reject and repulse others and all social attachments.
    c) He is not sure whether or not you are the one he wants to spend his life with.
    d) He has found another woman, perhaps online.

    That said, perhaps you still have a chance with him. But take it easy. Don't make him feel guilty. Just demonstrate you are willing to talk, but you can't really demand it. E-mail is the best option imo. Actually, not trying to date an INTP is the best option. And don't suffocate him. That's the worst possible course of action.

    Edit: You probably need this.
    -----------------

    A man builds. A parasite asks 'Where is my share?'
    A man creates. A parasite says, 'What will the neighbors think?'
    A man invents. A parasite says, 'Watch out, or you might tread on the toes of God... '


    -----------------

  5. #45
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    To me it sounds like he already made up his mind, but isnt able to see it as final(even tho it most likely is) and doesent want it to be so. But who knows.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  6. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rasofy View Post
    Sounds like he is in doubt.
    I agree. I'm in the situation, so it is tough for me to see it objectively, but it does seem like there is doubt.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rasofy View Post
    There are many hypotheses, really.
    a) He thinks you are too clingy (which introverts,specially the ''recluses'' hate)
    He mentioned, during our meeting after the initial breakup, that we spend a lot of time together. I responded by telling him we can spend more time apart; I'd love to spend more time with my friends! We spent every weekend for the past 3 years together; and usually Wednesday evenings. I don't think that's TOO much, but if he does, I can make accommodations for him. No problem!

    Quote Originally Posted by Rasofy View Post
    b) He is in a bad phase and wants more time alone (typical Enneagram 5 at unhealthy levels)
    This is possible, but I don't think so.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rasofy View Post
    c) He is not sure whether or not you are the one he wants to spend his life with.
    After we logically processed through all of the things that "might" be problematic (things we should have been discussing during the course of the relationship, not at the end), and after I gave my rebuttals as to how those things could be fixed, he said that he thinks there might be someone better out there. I said that I'm pretty awesome, and we talk and understand each other VERY well (we fit!), and I don't think he'll find someone better. Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say; perhaps I issued a challenge to him, but in fact, I think I scared him a little. I didn't mean to, I was trying to stand up for myself.

    Also - he has an EXTREME phobia of marriage. I mean EXTREME. I didn't think I pushed him, but perhaps he FELT that way. MANY of my friends think that's the reason he did this out of the blue, and I have no idea how to reassure him that I'd rather date him for 249723048 years and never be married than to not have him in my life at all!

    Quote Originally Posted by Rasofy View Post
    d) He has found another woman, perhaps online.
    That is very very unlikely. His profile (from the online dating site where we met) is still inactive, as are the other sites. He is too set in his ways to change his username, for the record.



    Now we're in this "agreement" that we won't talk for months. I just can hardly do that. It's been 1.5 weeks and I'm struggling HARD. I want to fix things, and assure him that we're good together (like I said, we didn't really have problems!). I want to tell him that if he wants space because he just needs to think, he can have it, but I need to know first that there actually is a chance. He promised to keep an open mind and I'm struggling to trust that, because other posts and my thoughts are making me think that it was just a blow-off (he said it wasn't a blow-off, but...).

    My only real consolation about the whole "no talking" thing is that I truly thought he wasn't going to look for someone else while we're apart. That wasn't a promise, but I do know him well enough that I rested assured in that. But last night I got a 'clue' that he might be opening himself up to online dating, though his profile is still inactive...

    How can I not suffocate him, but still reassure him that I'm willing to make it work and get answers to put my mind at ease while we wait the silent time? I'd do "just friends" if it weren't so painful for me (he suggested it). I just want to talk to him, a little about "us" and a lot about science (a common connection we share).

  7. #47
    lurking Rasofy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dovet View Post
    He mentioned, during our meeting after the initial breakup, that we spend a lot of time together. I responded by telling him we can spend more time apart; I'd love to spend more time with my friends! We spent every weekend for the past 3 years together; and usually Wednesday evenings. I don't think that's TOO much, but if he does, I can make accommodations for him. No problem!
    Unfortunately, sounds like it was more an execuse than anything.
    After we logically processed through all of the things that "might" be problematic (things we should have been discussing during the course of the relationship, not at the end), and after I gave my rebuttals as to how those things could be fixed, he said that he thinks there might be someone better out there.
    Sadly, sounds like that's his real reason.
    I said that I'm pretty awesome, and we talk and understand each other VERY well (we fit!), and I don't think he'll find someone better. Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say; perhaps I issued a challenge to him, but in fact, I think I scared him a little. I didn't mean to, I was trying to stand up for myself.
    Kind of a cocky response , but still totally harmless. You are probably on the overanalyzing phase of the breakup, where anything minor is enlarged 50x. Don't blame yourself over these things.
    Now we're in this "agreement" that we won't talk for months. I just can hardly do that. It's been 1.5 weeks and I'm struggling HARD. I want to fix things, and assure him that we're good together (like I said, we didn't really have problems!).
    You don't have problems, but it doesn't mean he doesn't.
    I want to tell him that if he wants space because he just needs to think, he can have it, but I need to know first that there actually is a chance. He promised to keep an open mind and I'm struggling to trust that, because other posts and my thoughts are making me think that it was just a blow-off (he said it wasn't a blow-off, but...).

    My only real consolation about the whole "no talking" thing is that I truly thought he wasn't going to look for someone else while we're apart. That wasn't a promise, but I do know him well enough that I rested assured in that. But last night I got a 'clue' that he might be opening himself up to online dating, though his profile is still inactive...

    How can I not suffocate him, but still reassure him that I'm willing to make it work and get answers to put my mind at ease while we wait the silent time? I'd do "just friends" if it weren't so painful for me (he suggested it). I just want to talk to him, a little about "us" and a lot about science (a common connection we share).
    Overall, imo, there isn't much you can do. You should move on. And don't blame yourself: it is a compatibility issue. I know 3 years is a lot of time to figure out these incompatibilities, but you gotta face it. Sounds like he enjoys talking to you, so I believe you could still remain friends. But don't expect anything else from him, since he has already made it clear that he is looking for someone more compatible. He might change his mind in the future, but please don't count on that. @violaine made some good points. She probably knows much more about INTPs in relationships than I do.
    Be strong, you will be fine.
    -----------------

    A man builds. A parasite asks 'Where is my share?'
    A man creates. A parasite says, 'What will the neighbors think?'
    A man invents. A parasite says, 'Watch out, or you might tread on the toes of God... '


    -----------------

  8. #48

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    Whether INTP or not, stop trying to convince someone else that you're worth having a relationship with! In doing so, you automatically devalue yourself beneath him. No wonder he believes there's someone else better out there.

    Fully withdraw and move on. If he comes back, fuck him.

  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenaphor View Post
    If he comes back, fuck him.
    ...literally?

  10. #50

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    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    ...literally?
    Sure, why not? Make it something he'll never forget while you continue moving on!

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