I cant say I have no blood at my hands, a major problem of mine is that I always tried to get along with everybody when I was young what sometimes led with woman to situations in which a relationship became more intimate tho I actually didnt love this person. I am saying nowadays that you cant really expect from a 15 year old that he knows what he wants and since this weren "real relationships" back then but more like flings between kids that lasted for a week I am convinced there is no mad person sitting somewhere waiting to kill me.
I am no team player, on the contrary I am a very solitary walker and I enjoyed that for all my life. I am not really good at feeling for other people, because feeling something alone for me takes time, I am very phlegmatic to feel anything at all and most often it needs to be a really big blow so that I finally get moving. I cant really change that, I could run around and say ouh look those puppies are nice but it would be a lie when I wasnt really feeling that.
I tried to compensate a lot by learning mindful compassion. Nowadays I know a lot of basic rules how you should behave and answer in society so society doesnt recognize that you are quite independant. I am still very critical with taking on responsibilities over people in my job cause I dont know if I can handle it. I am afraiud I could hurt somebody cause I have a very mathematical way of dealing with things and when I am on fire I can become even military.
It is often with people who tell me if I want to shit them when I say I am slow to feel a thing. The thing they dont understand is, I am a master worrier, the brain perceives a billion things in a second and is restless and active all the time but those feelings you have in the belly are always behind a barrier. As I said it always need a strong impact for me to provoke a reaction. The good thing is and that lets me feel alive, once an emotion has gotten into movement with me it will carry on for a long time. Regarding being resentful I am a master .
I do not think that I am emotionally different from other people, my perspective is just that other people are better liars and more occupied with telling others something what they actually do not mean and just do to look good. Tho I have the capability to see thru other peoples eyes very good, I've given up on that a lot recently and concentrated mainly on myself and my own development. I think I'll be able to help once again but foremost it is important that I find myself and that I am centered before I help others. The influence other people can have on me can be devastating, cause I am easily sold and you can change my opinion in an instant, that's why I need to protect myself from influence at times.
I do not understand why people in general have to say about NTs they are evil or emotionless or something, instead of accepting that it is just different for us. NTs do need time to feel but once they do they can develop deep comitment. And while everyone accepts that a blind man needs help crossing the street, somehow nobody ever takes into consideration that NTs are just blind in that regards and cant be given new eyes by yelling at them.
One thing I agree tho with: entps are evil. I have the ability to switch of all my morality and to do very evil things I feel that in me. The funny thing again is it would need a strong feeling for me to switch that button, a feeling strong enough to disable my mind. I dont think that is ever possible, yet never say never