• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[MBTI General] INTx Relationship Problems

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
I usually am the one who does the meeting... I tend to actually draw in female attention, which sort of annoys me, because I'd rather have them not be interested in me than be interested in me and then find out I am totally not compatible with their personality or agenda. But definitely what you said... It takes me forever to get around to actually making a move if there's mutual interest.

I can totally relate to this (only switch "female" to "male" attention, since I'm a woman). I would much rather someone get to know me and know what they were getting into, and THEN maybe think I'm attractive. Because I always feel like I might look like the typical girl, but that's not what they'll be getting if they just see me as a cute blonde type. If someone's just interested in my looks, it's going to take us a lot longer to find out whether we're actually compatible or not, and then it feels like we're just wasting time, since it's so rare for INTPs to find someone they connect with anyway.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I can totally relate to this (only switch "female" to "male" attention, since I'm a woman). I would much rather someone get to know me and know what they were getting into, and THEN maybe think I'm attractive. Because I always feel like I might look like the typical girl, but that's not what they'll be getting if they just see me as a cute blonde type. If someone's just interested in my looks, it's going to take us a lot longer to find out whether we're actually compatible or not, and then it feels like we're just wasting time, since it's so rare for INTPs to find someone they connect with anyway.
That's one reason why I never bothered with the window dressing, literal or figurative. If I am going to let someone get to know me personally, they get the real, unvarnished me. If that is not to their liking, they have plenty of warning to go elsewhere, or keep the relationship professional/impersonal. This is a great filter, and also saves time, money, effort, and fuss.
 

AgentF

Unlimited Dancemoves ®
Joined
Dec 22, 2010
Messages
1,543
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Story of my life. In fact I was pretty happy not being in relationships most of the time. It was missing out on the steady sex that got to me.

Don't expect the person to be on the same level/wavelength with you (if it helps draw an analogy between yourself and a puppy dog. You wouldn't expect the puppy to think like you and not need much reassurance)

Look for someone with who you two mutually complement each other at least on some level.

Not all dating/hooking up need to lead up to a relationship to be deemed "successful". Enjoy the process and appear to be enjoying the process...its seductive and it allows the other to mirror you and enjoy the process too.

Avoid the pitfall of self absorption (in yourself) as much as you can. Learn to seduce and the power to elicit powerful emotions which lead to positive results for an overall long term seduction strategy (don't just make it up as you go along or otherwise simply react from situation to situation)

Don't compromise for less than you can deal with.

Aim High: Might as well shoot for true love.

oh shit! this is like INTP porn. :popc1:

don't mind me, i'm just here on friendly reconnaissance. :ninja:
 

Nijntje

Warflower
Joined
Jun 7, 2009
Messages
3,130
MBTI Type
CRZY
Enneagram
4w5
oh shit! this is like INTP porn. :popc1:

don't mind me, i'm just here on friendly reconnaissance. :ninja:

I know right?! INTx is my weakness. You guys are delicious.


I can totally relate to this (only switch "female" to "male" attention, since I'm a woman). I would much rather someone get to know me and know what they were getting into, and THEN maybe think I'm attractive. Because I always feel like I might look like the typical girl, but that's not what they'll be getting if they just see me as a cute blonde type. If someone's just interested in my looks, it's going to take us a lot longer to find out whether we're actually compatible or not, and then it feels like we're just wasting time, since it's so rare for INTPs to find someone they connect with anyway.

I agree with these sentiments and im not an INTx, (however i do love you guys!) finding someone who matches you with your likes and dislikes and can mentally engage you, while respecting that I's need 'alone time' can be tricky, but it's worth it.

My first serious boyfriend was an INTJ, we were together for 3 years from 18-21, I ended up leaving, as I thought after that amount of time he would be more comfortable in expressing his feelings and i forever felt like i was playing a guessing game with love.

To be honest, i wish i had've known about MBTI and communication styles back then as what i perceived to be disinterest on his behalf, was just his way of showing his emotions. I couldn't reconcile how i could be so expressive with my feelings and he be so closed off (or so i thought) if we loved each other. It wasn't until we actually broke up that i realised the depth of feeling he had.... Ahhh hindsight, it's a bitch of a thing.

Heh, sorry, that probably doesn't help much.
 

slowriot

He who laughs
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
1,314
Enneagram
5w4
I can totally relate to this (only switch "female" to "male" attention, since I'm a woman). I would much rather someone get to know me and know what they were getting into, and THEN maybe think I'm attractive. Because I always feel like I might look like the typical girl, but that's not what they'll be getting if they just see me as a cute blonde type. If someone's just interested in my looks, it's going to take us a lot longer to find out whether we're actually compatible or not, and then it feels like we're just wasting time, since it's so rare for INTPs to find someone they connect with anyway.

yes, I agree.

I honestly dont see being a specific type should make it more difficult to have a relationship. Did I have any when I was in my teens or even early twenties? No. But eventually I did and it didnt turn out that great. Over the course of my life Ive been seriously in love and reciprocated 3 or 4 times. Im 33 btw. So I do understand its not fun being the last one of the batch of friends thats not in a serious relationship. But eventually its not the measure of me and since Im not good at maintaining relationships why not figure out how to do better? Maybe thats actually more productive than talk about how horrible I feel and blame it on my type.
 

Engineer

Dependable Skeleton
Joined
Feb 1, 2011
Messages
625
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I honestly dont see being a specific type should make it more difficult to have a relationship. Did I have any when I was in my teens or even early twenties? No. But eventually I did and it didnt turn out that great. Over the course of my life Ive been seriously in love and reciprocated 3 or 4 times. Im 33 btw. So I do understand its not fun being the last one of the batch of friends thats not in a serious relationship. But eventually its not the measure of me and since Im not good at maintaining relationships why not figure out how to do better? Maybe thats actually more productive than talk about how horrible I feel and blame it on my type.

I believe you've misunderstood what we're talking about, my friend. I merely was curious if other INTx's had similar problems as mine. I am quite active in improving and doing better on how I relate to relationships, and I certainly don't whine and mope about it. This entire topic has been me attempting to understand the way a particular type approaches relationships, not an excuse to not take responsibility for my own failures or shortcomings. If I can find people who are similar to me, and have done things that I have done in the past, wouldn't that actually improve my chances of figuring out how to do better? I think so. Apologies if I came across as whiny or victimized in any of these posts, as that was certainly not my intent.
 

Red Herring

Superwoman
Joined
Jun 9, 2010
Messages
7,488
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Maybe this should o into this thread:

The perfect guy has the brains, body and personality. Emotional compatibility is what it comes down to, but is the hardest to acertain. Intellectual compatibility can be estimated after some conversation and looks is a split second thing.
Ideally, all three should be there. Looks wears off fastest. So when in doubt it should go: personality > brains > body. But the few times I go out and meet new people, say at a friend's party, it is: walk into the room, see if there are any guys I would consider physically attractive, ignore that info for the moment, join friends, maybe try and intergrate one or two strangers into the conversation, scan them for potential. A. They are boring. B. they are fun to talk to but uninteresting. C. they are fun to talk to and interesting. Now it is time to put your foot in your mouth. If we end up having a one on one conversation both obviously enjoy, it is time for one of us to suggest meeting again, exchange data or something like that. Good. Now comes the part where I either like them and f*ck things up by not playing games and advancing too fast or it turnd out the guy is not that interesting after all and I have to delicately put it to him if he doesn't get the message after half a dozent "sorry, I'm busy this weekend".

I only really dated three guys since my last relationship (and it's been a while): The first one was a smart, fun and attractive but a bit weird (a philisophy PhD student with some very strange ideas). Probably Ni dom. On one occasion we spend three or four hours discussing ontoloy. He initiated at first but needed to be taken by the hand a bit and eventually withdrew after a few dates before getting fully horizontal because "things went so fast". WTF, I wasn't planning longterm at that time. He flaked in the very, very last moment. We're more or less friends now, but that one was a waste of time. Nice guy, but disturbed. I gave it a try because brain and body were there (well the attraction, I never got the full taste of the body).
Guy #2 was an INTJ, fun, smart, handsome, sexy, excellent conversation, he initiated and everything looked great for a few dates (even though he too repeatedly flaked in bed in the very, very last moment) because "there is so much goin on in my life right now. I only have sex when I'm in a relationship and I can't accomodate for one right now. My translation back then: not really that into me. Friends now. Muatually confirmed brain and body attraction there but not enough personal connection I guess.
Guy #3 was a fellow INTP. Nice conversation even there were a few signs that should have tipped me off. A bit shy, but initiated. No emotional connection at all but we were friends with benefits for a short while until I became bored by it. He's nice, but neither stimulating nor hot enough to compensate for the lack of emotional closeness.

Not sure if that shows that I'm too picky or not picky enough. But a petite 30 year old female INTP 5w4 sp/so is not everybody's idea of a perfect mate either. So after the mutual filtering is done, there aren't too many candidates left. On top of that, when I do get approached by a complete stranger without having had a conversation first (see above) my reflex will be one flight rather than fight. Many come across as desperate, drooling on everything that has a skirt on and still breaths or obviously more after looks than the mind (yes, I know, you can't see the mind, but it is still possible to quickly tell tghe guy who cares more about looks from the guy who cares more about the mind). So that is a filter before the filter and based on both split second chemistry and pure coincidence (depending on the context of the approach).

I hate waiting for the guy or playing games, but experience has taught me otherwise.

So, what are my chances of becoming a nun? Most of the above is spontaneous and hard to control, but I'm willing to learn.

Ooops, maybe this should go into the Why INTX Suck At Romance thread. *ponders*
 

slowriot

He who laughs
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
1,314
Enneagram
5w4
I believe you've misunderstood what we're talking about, my friend. I merely was curious if other INTx's had similar problems as mine. I am quite active in improving and doing better on how I relate to relationships, and I certainly don't whine and mope about it. This entire topic has been me attempting to understand the way a particular type approaches relationships, not an excuse to not take responsibility for my own failures or shortcomings. If I can find people who are similar to me, and have done things that I have done in the past, wouldn't that actually improve my chances of figuring out how to do better? I think so. Apologies if I came across as whiny or victimized in any of these posts, as that was certainly not my intent.

yes, I think so too.
 

roninpro

New member
Joined
Feb 9, 2011
Messages
8
MBTI Type
INTJ
(First post here. Visiting from another forum.)

I'm in my early twenties here with no relationship experience.

I feel like getting into relationships is like trying to board a moving train. How do I get on without being splattered?
 

Red Herring

Superwoman
Joined
Jun 9, 2010
Messages
7,488
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
(First post here. Visiting from another forum.)

I'm in my early twenties here with no relationship experience.

I feel like getting into relationships is like trying to board a moving train. How do I get on without being splattered?

Toe in first? Who says you immediately have to go serious?

My little XNTJ brother is 25 years old now and no girlfriend in sight. He has several female friends (all class mates and budding research scientists like him), but to the best of my knowledge never dated anybody even once. His life consists of studying, work as a teaching assistent and his hobbies and projects. Seems pretty happy with it.
He sometimes talks about wanting a girlfriend, otherwise I might have started wondering if he might be looking on the wrong side of the road. :cheese:
 

roninpro

New member
Joined
Feb 9, 2011
Messages
8
MBTI Type
INTJ
Toe in first? Who says you immediately have to go serious?

My little XNTJ brother is 25 years old now and no girlfriend in sight. He has several female friends (all class mates and budding research scientists like him), but to the best of my knowledge never dated anybody even once. His life consists of studying, work as a teaching assistent and his hobbies and projects. Seems pretty happy with it.
He sometimes talks about wanting a girlfriend, otherwise I might have started wondering if he might be looking on the wrong side of the road. :cheese:

Sure - I'm happy with what I do too. There are some (rare) times when I am interested in somebody but don't know what to do. It's a very confusing time of life!

It's funny - I bet my parents wonder about me too, since I never talk about this kind of stuff with them, and I have very few female friends.
 

zoossii

New member
Joined
Aug 10, 2010
Messages
31
MBTI Type
INTx
Enneagram
5w4
Anyway. I think with INT's it takes a pretty significant degree of security and patience from the other, at least initially - and being ok with some of the lack of visible cues/signals that they're into you. I would imagine that's a big role in why many might end up ending things with INT's pretty early on, after a month or so - because you guys don't give very clear signals into where you stand on the relationship. And, you know, that's fine... I mean I could see other elements that gave me enough security and reasonable belief that he was into me (Primarily: He was incorporating me into his life by giving me his Time - which I know he doesn't do for many).... but again, I'm pretty sure that years ago I would have needed more signals and very well may have ended it pretty early.

This is probably one of the biggest issues that INTs face. I would say that it's absolutely crucial for INTs to either shack up with someone who's near the same point on the T/F scale as they are, or someone who's secure enough to accept the ineptitude at emotional expression that INTs so often possess. From my somewhat meager personal experience, I can tell that a substantial lack of... let's call it emotional "warmth" ... is something that many people can't deal with. In relationships, most people want something close to constant reaffirmation of love & all those nifty special feelings. But, the common INT tendency is to not (overtly) show those feelings or make them very explicit/clear. Personally, I've found that this is rather exasperating for people who are not near the same point on that T/F scale (i.e. as much of a "T" as I am) and/or are incapable of being secure with such an INT partner.
 

Hera

New member
Joined
Dec 27, 2010
Messages
304
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Actually, I maintain pretty good relationships. I'm currently in a 3 year relationship right now, have been in 3 relationships total, and two were serious.

I think the thing with me is that I only get into relationships if the person is worth my time. If I don't think you're worth 5 min of my day, I won't even go on a date with you. I'm very picky about my mates, but once I find a good relationship I hold onto it as best I can. He's an ENTP so we understand each other's needs for space and can discuss things without getting overwhelmed... We butt-heads sometimes, but it works. We bring out each other's good sides.
 

INTPness

New member
Joined
Jan 22, 2009
Messages
2,157
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Some really good stuff in this thread. It's such a strange phenomenon to me - there's the deep desire to be in a relationship, and then, for INxx's, there's this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedgehog's_dilemma. An INTJ on the forum (maybe Coriolis) showed me that link many months ago and I found it very revealing. We're just so "prickly" and fussy, without trying to be. What's one to do? The desire for intimacy is there, but it's a significant challenge to actually make it happen "successfully" because of our natural inclination to turn inward and away from people. When we have to turn outward or towards people for long stretches of time (which is required often in a relationship), we get irritable and prickly.


I know right?! INTx is my weakness. You guys are delicious.

We're glad you think so. Somebody has to think us delicious. :D



To be honest, i wish i had've known about MBTI and communication styles back then as what i perceived to be disinterest on his behalf, was just his way of showing his emotions. I couldn't reconcile how i could be so expressive with my feelings and he be so closed off (or so i thought) if we loved each other. It wasn't until we actually broke up that i realised the depth of feeling he had.... Ahhh hindsight, it's a bitch of a thing.

Not trying to start an argument here, but I've never known INFP's to be expressive with their feelings. It's like pulling teeth to get their feelings out and verbalized (Fi). Huge guessing game with INFP's. And, at least in my experience (it leaves me dumbfounded), they always think they are being extremely expressive - when they aren't expressive at all. I'm talking verbally. As in, if you feel very deeply for someone, you say, "Hey, I want you to know that I feel very deeply for you" (straightforward, plain English), rather than just smiling at them and thinking that your smile means that you expressed your inner feelings. Fe, on the other hand, expresses feelings openly. If it loves, it says, "Hey, guess what? I love you." I'm not saying Fe is "better" than Fi - that's not my intention - I just wonder if you "thinking" that you were "so expressive with your emotions" was like the INFP's I've known. They thought they were expressive because of their actions (doing something nice for me) or maybe the "glimmer in their eye" or the fact that they were "frequently smiling" - those things are expressive, yes, but they don't help a xxTx to know what your feelings actually are. The only way for us to understand that is if you verbalize it in a crystal clear way. That your actual words mirror your actual inner feelings.

I have no doubt that INFP's "feel" VERY, VERY deeply (perhaps deeper than any of the 16 types). But, just because they are feeling something intensely doesn't mean that their partner knows what they are feeling. If the partner is also an F, then they'll pick up on the "feeling". But, if the partner is T, then the inner feelings are invisible unless they are verbalized clearly and audibly. Just because you smiled brightly, had a twinkle in your eye, and had warm fuzzies in your stomach does not mean that I know what you are feeling. I know you're feeling something, but unless you say it, I'm not going to make assumptions about what your feelings might be.
 

Pand0ra

New member
Joined
Dec 16, 2010
Messages
61
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
4w5
Some really good stuff in this thread. It's such a strange phenomenon to me - there's the deep desire to be in a relationship, and then, for INxx's, there's this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedgehog's_dilemma. An INTJ on the forum (maybe Coriolis) showed me that link many months ago and I found it very revealing. We're just so "prickly" and fussy, without trying to be. What's one to do? The desire for intimacy is there, but it's a significant challenge to actually make it happen "successfully" because of our natural inclination to turn inward and away from people. When we have to turn outward or towards people for long stretches of time (which is required often in a relationship), we get irritable and prickly.

This is so true. That's why for me, after a couple of months it all fails. Rather than letting me open up in my own time some people become hurt and angry and try to push me into doing things I'm not comfortable with (such as meeting friends, family etc). When people become angry with me I avoid the subject even more. I was lucky with my current relationship, he's easygoing. If he'd like me to do something 'outgoing', he often suggests it off-handedly without any pressure, then says I don't have to do it if I don't want to. He probably knows full well that this encourages me to do it; he's much cleverer than he means to let on. I ain't no dummy though (well, not completely)
 

Greta

New member
Joined
Dec 21, 2010
Messages
163
MBTI Type
INTe
Some really good stuff in this thread. It's such a strange phenomenon to me - there's the deep desire to be in a relationship, and then, for INxx's, there's this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedgehog's_dilemma. An INTJ on the forum (maybe Coriolis) showed me that link many months ago and I found it very revealing. We're just so "prickly" and fussy, without trying to be. What's one to do? The desire for intimacy is there, but it's a significant challenge to actually make it happen "successfully" because of our natural inclination to turn inward and away from people. When we have to turn outward or towards people for long stretches of time (which is required often in a relationship), we get irritable and prickly.

Is there much "desire for intimacy" in all of us?
*hopes she's not alone in lacking a deep desire for a relationship*

The bolded bit is too true, though, which is why stretches of me-time are good for all involved.
 

slowriot

He who laughs
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
1,314
Enneagram
5w4
Wanting intimacy is a basic requirement for humans, in some sort of form. So I would say that "desire for intimacy" is something that I crave for in my interaction with others. And betting on one person can be hurtful and create a state where Id much rather keep to myself than expose myself to that persons indirect contamination of my mind. But the approach of becoming a hermit, gives me nothing positive. And in that sense betting all my attention on one person, gives me nothing positive.

But if I interact with more than one person and put faith and openness on more than one person I gain something significant, in the periods of time where we are apart.

Do I find it hard to open up to people, yes. But it will be much more rewarding than staying in the corner all the time and letting noone in. O being afraid of letting that one person in because of fear of rejection.
 

Arthur Schopenhauer

What is, is.
Joined
May 1, 2010
Messages
1,158
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5
One that lasted maybe three to five months and another that lasted maybe two weeks. I don't think it was my fault that these relationships ended, however, as one left me for someone else and the other was somewhat paranoid and "emotionally-needy" yet unwilling to express anything relating to her problem. I am absolutely certain that the death of these relationships was for the best, as both women are riddled with an abundance of issues and incompatibilities.
 
Top