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  1. #1
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Default Communicating Your NF Emotional Needs to an NT

    Hi NTs,

    I am an ENFP on a mission to calmly, rationally communicate a potentially emotionally-charged (for me) message to an INT. Thread's here should you care to peruse.

    Question: how do NTs like your information served?
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  2. #2
    ReflecTcelfeR
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    Bluntly. If it's not done this way, and I find the way that it was told to me to be confusing I create tangents of what it could mean. If you tell me exactly what you are thinking then I can work with concrete information. This is really the only area in my life where I don't like to guess what the other person means.

  3. #3
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    Straight and direct, please. If you try to beat around the bush and be subtle this can fail spectacularly. I'd rather someone be honest and blunt with me than tiptoe around me and try to be too fancy.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Greta's Avatar
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    The two suggestions above are good. Also, frame your issues less in terms of what you need them to do or be and more in terms of what your individual needs are. They can decide if it's something they're up for.
    It's a good idea to be ready with examples of what you mean if you're asked to elaborate on a particular issue you mention.

  5. #5
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Im not an NT at all But!!

    Blunt and direct does NOT mean rude and short! Direct -- Don't beat around the bush. Don't make it sound like x might have influenced something, when really you know the root cause wasn't x at all. A minor detail at best. Blunt -- Don't make everything your fault, but don't blame everything on the other either (based on the other thread, I'm assuming with this point) Finally, make sure you have a thesis statement. Especially us ENFPs, we can go on and on sometimes. Make sure there is a statement that summarizes what you want or need out of the confrontation. You don't have to be rude to do these things.. but I know sometimes it can be hard to muster up the courage to do these things efficiently. Sometimes you want to think it's better to soften some things.. make details stand out, and others fade. Try to avoid doing this though, because.. as someone said above... a shaded detail could be picked up on and taken as denial, lying, hiding, etc.

    Just be honest, and say what's on your mind, in a direct way. Intuitive or not, don't expect him to read your mind on what you're *implying* in a statement. Say what you mean, and hope he gets the message and you get the reaction you want.

    Good luck.
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  6. #6
    Writing... Tamske's Avatar
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    If it's about emotions... I'm a "Sensor when it comes to Feeling" and I've heard ayes to this from other NTs. I like them simple and concrete. If you can put a word (or a few) to what you're feeling (eg. angry, sad, worried, bored,...) we'll be a lot more at ease with them. "I feel like... I don't know..." gets us all riled up and we'd like to get out of that hole as fast as possible.
    The cliché "If you don't know why I'm mad I'm certainly not telling you!" is something which I'm almost afraid of. I'm sorry - I can't read hints. To us it seems NFs can read other people's thoughts (though they get them wrong sometimes - My NF mother calls me sometimes with "I'm sorry I said this and worry you're feeling bad about it" and me "Huh"?). Probably to you NFs it seems we can't get a hint if it's dangling before our noses decked out with Christmas lights.
    I prefer "I'm mad because..."
    Or even: "Look, I'm feeling bad and I don't know why." (I've used this one more than once. Of course it's about negative emotions - feeling happy without any reason is no problem at all!)
    If you need to vent and if you need emotional support rather than we trying to find solutions: "I need some emotional support now. This happened..."
    Got questions? Ask an ENTP!
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  7. #7
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Agree with Tamske. Sometimes NFs really like that old psychologist's trick of taking responsibility for your emotions "I really feel like..." and then the repeating "I'm hearing you say that you feel neglected..." etc. All this feely talk makes NTs profoundly uncomfortable and squirmy. The less we have to talk about emotional states the better.

    The best way to make me aware of an emotional need is to joke around with me about it. I'll take the hint and try to do better next time, as long as it seems like there's not a passive aggressive subtext. Otherwise, I'd just say, "hey, would you mind coming home a little sooner after work? When you come home so late, I feel like I'm stuck doing everything for the kids." (First example I thought of.) Simple, direct, no five minute explanation of feelings needed unless the other person doesn't seem to get it. The other person should get the implied resentment/neglected feelings unless they are daft. The mistake NFs make in getting NTs to hear them is going WAAAAAAY too far into the NF's specific emotions. Treat it like a military operation. Get in, get out.
    Something Witty

  8. #8
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    I suggest writing out a numbered list of all the points you need to make. I think you should be direct as possible - the whole thing Tamske said about dangling lights in front of their faces - otherwise I guess they think you're just acting crazy and weird or bitchy for no apparent reason.

  9. #9
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Thanks, everyone. I'm going to do that little bullet point exercise. And also spend some time thinking about what NTs and NFs are doing dating at all. j/k It is starting to dawn on me how very different we are. I don't think there's any way to make it work without clear, concise communication on the NFs part + a bit of emotional stretching on the NTs part.

    At the end of the day, if two people can't swing that they probably shouldn't be in a relationship anyway.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  10. #10
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    I don't think there's any way to make it work without clear, concise communication on the NFs part + a bit of emotional stretching on the NTs part.
    At the end of the day, if two people can't swing that they probably shouldn't be in a relationship anyway.
    I agree with this. It's a matter of learning to speak the other person's language, at least to some degree, so that the communication works.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

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