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  1. #1
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Default ENFP confused by INTx

    Hi everyone,

    As an ENFP* dating an INTx, I am thoroughly confused. I have been dating my INTx for nearly 3 months. We met online and are both recovering from previous serious relationships, yet obviously wanted companionship enough to post/reply to an online ad. We have a lovely intellectual bond, enjoy spending periodic time together (~ 2x/week), and can discuss things in minute detail for hours on end. He has slowly introduced me to a few of his friends. We also have an amazing physical bond and shower each other with affection when we're together.

    That's the good. The not-so-good is that we move at a very different pace and seem to need very different things of each other emotionally. After 2.5 months, I am ready/able to explore a committed relationship with him (I see it as an adventure, even if one or both of us gets hurt). He, conversely, is *extremely* cautious and has admitted that he is intentionally curbing the amount of time he spends with me in order to make sure he doesn't get hurt again by jumping into a serious relationship. He also has an uncharacteristically busy social schedule for an I[ntrovert], and often feels pulled in many directions (which causes him stress, so I back off and let him do 90% of the initiating). The end result is that he sees me intermittently, texts only occasionally (with taciturn but sometimes sweet messages), and accepts my random affectionate comments but doesn't reciprocate.

    I have done my best to accept the above, as it's only been 2.5 months. However, I am specifically confused about three things he has said or done:

    1) Angst/Guilt: A month after we started dating, we fell into a conversation about "us." He told me that he cared about me but felt "guilt" and "angst" over us. ("I care, of course I care...it's important to me that you know that I do care about you, even though I cannot be a constant for you right now, and that is something that causes me angst and guilt."). This completely baffled me. As an ENFP, I cannot imagine spending time with a person, showering him with affection, being playful/whimsical/physical while simultaneously harboring angst and guilt towards them. I don't do well with emotional ambiguity. Is this something salient to INTx's? (He's borderline J/P but dominant J);

    2) Emotional Ambiguity: He recently initiated another talk about our relationship, which surprised me. In this discussion we both agreed that we're both still healing, but also affirmed that we ultimately want a committed/live-in relationship with someone one day. He then told me that there is always a certain degree of "gray area" in most relationships before each person determines how they really feel about the other. I simply cannot relate: I'm black/white with my feelings! I don't casually like someone: when I like someone, I'm affectionate, demonstrative, loving, adoring. (Hopefully not overbearing (my INTx is teaching me not to be). If I'm ambiguous about them I don't pursue anything with them. Life is too short to waste my time. At any rate, the stereotype about ENFPs being overly enthusiastic puppy dogs is in my case quite true). My question to you is: what does it take to get an INTx out of the gray area?

    3) Random Intervals/Lack of Pre-Planning: I happen to know that this man is a romantic, at least in previous serious relationships. When he wants to see me, however, he generally only asks me out 1-2 days in advance. I realize it's my job to teach him how to treat me, and ask for more advance notice, but I get hurt each time as it seems disrespectful and indicative of a certain lack of regard/interest (which contradicts his affectionate actions when we're together). Any advice about his lack of pre-planning? Is this an INTx trait or does he lack the courage to tell me he just doesn't feel strongly enough about me to pre-plan?

    Thanks for your help, everyone...


    * I'm really more of an ENxP...mathmatical logic was my favorite subject at university and I can control my emotions externally, but am tormented by them inside :/ (I have that in common with my INTx.)

  2. #2
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    1. Guilty simply because you're into him and he's into you but doesn't know if he can guarantee the sort of reciprocity that he thinks you're looking for and deserve.

    2. I don't know if INTs consider the existence of feelings to be important in themselves [I know I don't], it's all what you do with them. While he may have feelings for you, he may not be sure what he wants to do with them or is still going through the logistics of whether it will work, will be good for him, will be good for you [tying into that guilt thing], etc. So, it sounds like he's having physical feelings of happy/like/limerance whatever you want to call it, but his brain is still trying to catch up, shouting "WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN."

    3. I tend to not pre-plan random dates too far in advance, simply because I don't know what I'm tonight, never mind two days down the road. If this bothers you now it could be make or break because suggestion he change that might be considered controlling or needy.



  3. #3
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    1. Guilty - That's a nice way of looking at it. I assumed his guilt was directed at me, rather than the situation. But you're right, he said he felt guilt "about us." It just seemed so *oblique* and not action-oriented. When I feel guilty about something, I feel compelled to change it...he, on the other hand, seemed familiar with guilt and angst, at least enough to state that he felt them without a particular plan to address them.

    2. Feelings - Ok, that's simply fascinating. How can feelings in and of themselves not be important! Being a typical ENFP, I assign [too] much importance to my feelings, which is why I try moderating them through a filter of logic as I mature. But there will always be within me the urge to act on those feelings, draw conclusions from them, etc. In his case, it sounds like there never is an "aha" moment at which point he would realize he is in love. I am starting to suspect it is a gradual process and that he is actually comfortable with a gray area. Again, very different from me.

    3. Controlling/Needy - I'm very aware of coming across as needy/controlling. He has been *very* quick to point out an occasion where he felt I was demanding. Needy is a tricky one...as an emotional person, I guess I am needier than he is. He actually needs personal space, which baffles me. I like it and am learning to enjoy it more, but would never think of making that a requirement for a relationship. I always assume it's just part of a healthy dynamic, not something you are afraid of losing...

    Anyway, thanks for your insight. If I could one day understand the INTx concept of love, I would be much more comfortable proceeding with getting close to this person.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

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  4. #4
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    intp and intj are totally different creatures, even tho they look similar on the surface. each function they use are opposites, Ti vs Te, Ne vs Ni, Si vs Se, Fe vs Fi. if you get personal opinion from intp to this, it might be totally different what your intj is thinking, even tho it might seem right.

    what comes to that ENXP thing of your, liking math doesent make you any more T or any less F and ENTPs seems to have difficult time controlling their emotions externally(especially when they get pissed off at you), due to tert Fe. ENFPs when pissed off tend to use their Te to ignore/filter things based on rational thinking, making them look cold outside(Te face), but feeling like crap inside(due to Fi), but ofc any type can lose their control with external emotions.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  5. #5
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Thank you, INTP. I suspected I may have got it wrong, as I'm admittedly new to Jungian functional notation/theories.

    And I'm a slave to my emotions. I hate to be controlled by anything, but regardless of how hard I try to filter and rationalize them, my emotions still exhaust me.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  6. #6
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Aint we all confused by INTX ?

    Aint we all a slave to our emotions ?

    Aint we all blind to the wodden hammer with which I like to hit my head with ?
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  7. #7
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    Aint we all confused by INTX ?

    Aint we all a slave to our emotions ?

    Aint we all blind to the wodden hammer with which I like to hit my head with ?
    no.

    and enfps are much more confusing than intx
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  8. #8
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    no.

    and enfps are much more confusing than intx
    You've got to be kidding! ENFPs are some of the most straight-forward people ever met.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    no.

    and enfps are much more confusing than intx
    Wrong. An ENFP knows exactly what they want and will tell you.

    An INTx will endlessly confuse you with cunning and baffling behavior, then wonder why you're "overreacting" to things that I think most normal people would "overreact" to in a similar situation.

    Agent Furrina the only advice I can give you is to not allow yourself to feel bad for being who you are...I've noticed that INTx men have intermittently had that effect on me in my life, like they made me feel like I was doing something "wrong" by being emotional.

    However, my suggestion is also that the more you try to hem him in, the more you're going to push him away, so seriously...try not to think about him over much or ask for more from him at this juncture, until he's decided for himself that he wants a more serious relationship. If you try to push him in that direction, even in a less direct manner...you'll just push him away, I think.

  10. #10
    Probably Most Brilliant Craft's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Metaphor View Post
    You've got to be kidding! ENFPs are some of the most straight-forward people ever met.
    Well, I think ENFP's are confusing as in they're too "everywhere", but their pretty simple.

    Serious INxx's are probably the hardest to understand. It's that introversion + intuition.

    ---

    As for me, There was a recent event wherein my teacher(INTJ i think) told me right in the face: "what are you thinking? I just can't figure it out. What is in that head of yours?" I lol'ed inside. The actuality of the situation was that I just didn't have anything to express. (except for my "lol" which I didn't feel like expressing anyways) It's not because its hidden, its because there's nothing in there in the first place. God, I'm so boring. :rolli:

    As for OP, I'm thinking it probably wouldn't work out. But I know nots bout relationships.

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