regarding seeing someone on different terms: thank you for pointing this out. every aspect of getting to know him has been unique although not always in typically positive ways. my close friends and family are deeply fearful for me. they've called him a coward for being afraid of committing to me. selfish for asking to see me whenever he wants to and rarely planning several days in advance (this is partly my fault as i've been reluctant to mention to him that i really like spontaneity but sometimes need advance notice). a jerk for not worshiping me as some of the divas in my life think he should (i happen to know a few women whose husbands hounded them since the moment they met...they seem to think this is the only acceptable model for courting a woman, which confuses me b/c in my experience the men who chased me regardless of my logical protestations and our obvious differences were deeply unhealthy. nevertheless, they will swear as will their husbands that any man who will sleep with you for a few months and not offer you a relationship is using you. i simply cannot accept that my INTJ is that way as he seems deeply ethical).
he also mentioned that i'm unconventional. at the time i thought that was potentially a negative thing but i'm wondering if he actually meant it in a positive light. most people, especially those close to me, think i am somewhere on the bizarre or crazy end of the spectrum anyway. i often blurt out things that others suppress, have a very high risk tolerance, and in general have a nose for trouble (typically of the wholesome variety). i can say the craziest things to my INTJ, however, and he seems to understand. he may not always agree, of course, and if they're irrational thoughts, he'll quietly ask me about them until i further clarify, or identify an inconsistency in thought/another way of seeing it. i find that beautiful and very intellectually satisfying, and also something that inspires trust.
regarding faith and paranoia: in the beginning, when i was most effusive with my feelings, he would say "but what if you change your mind about how you feel about me?" i looked at him like he had just sprouted a horn. what could he mean?! i asked him to explain and he said that sometimes people change their minds in the middle of a relationship. i acknowledged that this was theoretically possible, but was nowhere in my previous dating patterns. i tend to stick it out 'till the bitter end, and simply don't abandon things about which i care deeply. he paused and said that it was still possible. i later learned that a previous girlfriend disappeared on him without a word and he'd been crushed. so i guess i have to prove my loyalty even more so, which doesn't daunt me. he said he's forgiven her but i'm guessing he was extra-deeply affected by this experience.
about the model comment: i can see that INTJs don't see that sort of thing the way most of society does, which is good in and of itself (and was a poor attempt to offer a frame of reference. i should know better with INTxs ). this has been on my mind as, on our second date, he actually mentioned that he did some cyberstalking and saw a publicity photo of me, which surprised me at the time (i know we all google potential partners, but who brings it up on the second date?). anyway, in light of your comments i wonder whether he asked me about that part of my life to gauge my response, see how that fit into my overall sense of self, etc. he has never give me an outright comment but a few times has stated very matter-of-factly that i'm "hot". i told him that that i didn't know how to take that as i grew up looking (and feeling) like an alien.* being an ugly, ugly duckling and then suddenly getting attention from people (when i'd already withdrawn into my inner emotional shell from having been told i look weird) made me mistrustful of comments that seem like objectifications. maybe i've added a layer of complexity, because i'm extremely insecure. in fact, he's caught me a few times fishing for a compliment in very ENFP-like fashion. i don't know how to tell him that i want to know what *he* thinks about me, not some generic term like "hot". he was reluctant to say anything when i asked him about this, although his nickname for me is occasionally beautiful. when he's said that my inner voice says, "that's not the same thing as telling them me you think i'm beautiful." or is it? is this how INTJs pay compliments: obliquely or very matter-of-factly?
* this is why your comment about feeling fundamentally disconnected from and potentially distrustful of society really resonated with me. i've always known i was different inside, but growing up looking different on the outside as well made it unbearable. i wonder if feeling different for ENFPs is parallel to thinking different[ly] for INTJs.**
** daniel day-lewis (an INFP) said that without acting, he would have no place in society. ENFPs seem to need their emotional outlets to survive, do INTJs need their intellectual escapes in the same way?