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  1. #51
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Metaphor View Post
    You're looking for him to stake his turf and are using dating multiple people as leverage. You'll find that many INTPs will do the opposite and retreat. NTs in general, hate to be controlled or manipulated.

    Not sure the two of you are ready for the final sit-down of a relationship due to all the game playing. Why not stop dating others, let him know this is the case and see how he reacts? This way, you don't pressure him for a relationship by taking an action and expecting him to come through with the reaction that you want. If he doesn't take any action in the next few weeks, then directly approach him. This way, you lay the groundwork so it's a bit more of a gradual process and might be viewed as less directive, hence less controlling. (INTPs, if you don't mind, pipe in if I'm completely off-track.)
    Exactly. Face this head on. That 'I'll make him jealous' crap FAILS.

  2. #52
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    ^Agree with Metaphor. If someone is continuing to date other people, it's a sure sign to me not to take them seriously.
    If, at the same time, they expect me to get serious or increase my commitment to the relationship, I get pissed off. I don't even want to think about srs bizness unless the other person is already in the right place, and dating lots of people isn't the right place, IMO. At the same time, it's not an INTP's style to ask you to stop dating other people. We just sort of accommodate our own expectations and level of investment based on the other person. Or we move on.

    ETA. I can't even understand this idea of being "in love" with someone and at the same time hedging your bets by dating others. Other than as a ploy to make someone jealous - which is icky. Chances are, he doesn't believe your feelings for him have any depth and so of course, he's going to be reluctant to move the relationship forward at the pace you are looking for. INTPs are capable of incredible loyalty and commitment, but above all we're pragmatists.
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  3. #53
    Superwoman Red Herring's Avatar
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    Playing by the Rules (which is the advice most people give their friends when asked) seems like a sure fire way to scare away an INTP.
    The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge. Neither love without knowledge, nor knowledge without love can produce a good life. - Bertrand Russell
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  4. #54
    violaine
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    I had a similar experience with an INT. It took him about two years to give himself over to the relationship. 2.5 months is not a long enough time for someone like that to develop feelings. There is no way he would have gotten there had I been openly dating other people. People have incompatible relationship patterns. After a point, it's unhealthy to keep pursuing someone who doesn't want what you want. It's more about the pursuer's own issues then. (I did learn detachment in the relationship with the INT. He ended up being a wonderful bf but I wouldn't go through that process again.)

  5. #55
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    Did I miss this before? This isn't type related. I wouldn't want you either.
    I'm rather mechanically dating other people. Physically monogamous to him, but still meeting others. So far, I've had 3 dates. He knows this and actually said it was one reason he didn't feel pressure from me. I died when he said that, when what I wanted to hear was "I want you." I admit it's convoluted. Now I'm starting to see how unfair to me (and others), and ridiculous it is.

    Being interested in authenticity (despite how it may seem), when I meet someone new I actually tell that person that I'm also dating him. And then I proceed to tell them that I would be in a committed/entirely monogamous relationship with him if I could be. Which has, coincidentally and understandably, resulted in no second dates. I should have clarified that in my original post.

    It looks like I need to stick to the plan to tell him I would like a committed relationship. And (I suppose) add that I plan to not date anyone else, even if he feels pressured as a result. Why have I done this? My friends continually told me that "keeping my options open" was the best way to handle this situation (a non-committal/exploratory stage of indefinite length with a person prone to feel pressured). Or to completely end it with him and tell him to "call me if/when you are ready for a relationship." I don't really know how to do either.

    It has been highly uncomfortable caring for one person but remaining open to meeting others, which is why I am compelled to initiate the unattractive first date conversation: "You seem like a nice person. I'm emotionally unavailable." I'm ok with the criticism of the approach I've taken. The approach never felt right, and I think it's time to do the right thing. You have all been helpful in determining what that is.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
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  6. #56
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    I'm rather mechanically dating other people. Physically monogamous to him, but still meeting others. So far, I've had 3 dates. He knows this and actually said it was one reason he didn't feel pressure from me. I died when he said that, when what I wanted to hear was "I want you." I admit it's convoluted. Now I'm starting to see how unfair to me (and others), and ridiculous it is.

    Being interested in authenticity (despite how it may seem), when I meet someone new I actually tell that person that I'm also dating him. And then I proceed to tell them that I would be in a committed/entirely monogamous relationship with him if I could be. Which has, coincidentally and understandably, resulted in no second dates. I should have clarified that in my original post.

    It looks like I need to stick to the plan to tell him I would like a committed relationship. And (I suppose) add that I plan to not date anyone else, even if he feels pressured as a result. Why have I done this? My friends continually told me that "keeping my options open" was the best way to handle this situation (a non-committal/exploratory stage of indefinite length with a person prone to feel pressured). Or to completely end it with him and tell him to "call me if/when you are ready for a relationship." I don't really know how to do either.

    It has been highly uncomfortable caring for one person but remaining open to meeting others, which is why I am compelled to initiate the unattractive first date conversation: "You seem like a nice person. I'm emotionally unavailable." I'm ok with the criticism of the approach I've taken. The approach never felt right, and I think it's time to do the right thing. You have all been helpful in determining what that is.
    Yeah, like others have said, when you're ready for it to be just you and him, then approach him. At least then you won't be left with a bunch of questions in your mind.

  7. #57
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    Yeah, like others have said, when you're ready for it to be just you and him, then approach him. At least then you won't be left with a bunch of questions in your mind.
    Right. I wonder how will he react to tears and the inevitable declaration of love that will spill out. Perhaps I'll ask to see him for half an hour, say what I need to say and then face a tearful, but relieved, trip home.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  8. #58
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    Right. I wonder how will he react to tears and the inevitable declaration of love that will spill out. Perhaps I'll ask to see him for half an hour, say what I need to say and then face a tearful, but relieved, trip home.
    Smart! The emotional outpour might freak him out a lil ( I know it would me) so yeah that's a good idea. LOL

  9. #59
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    Right. I wonder how will he react to tears and the inevitable declaration of love that will spill out. Perhaps I'll ask to see him for half an hour, say what I need to say and then face a tearful, but relieved, trip home.
    Eh, I would try not to do that if you can help it. I would just say "I like you" and try to keep calm. (Not that there is a magic formula to unlock someone else anyway.)

  10. #60
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by violaine View Post
    I had a similar experience with an INT. It took him about two years to give himself over to the relationship. 2.5 months is not a long enough time for someone like that to develop feelings...(I did learn detachment in the relationship with the INT. He ended up being a wonderful bf but I wouldn't go through that process again.)
    2 INT years = 2.5 ENFP months? Not to start a holy war but I have noticed that ENFPs seem to move at a different pace when bonding with people. In my case, it was easy to identify his virtues, vulnerabilities, subtle aspects of his character, etc. Almost an instant recognition (which sounds implausible and corny, but true).

    w/r/t detachment = I've been learning the same lesson with my INT. Intellectually/philosophically intriguing but emotionally challenging (but perhaps worth it, if you care about the person enough).
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

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