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  1. #31
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    I honestly don't understand the NF approach to relationships with INTx's. They don't need more TLC than any other type. In doing so, you're enabling grown men to be more selfish and inconsiderate. Aren't you ultimately looking for a mature relationship with another responsible adult? So consider the beginnings as setting the tone for the balance of what might or might not happen, like a relationship.

    Where the difference in treatment might lie is how you approach conflict with them. Instead of blasting them with a wall of emotions or emotional concerns, you're going to have to detach to some degree and discuss the issues in a logical and organised way, using reasonable rationale. No tears or accusations. Be calm.

  2. #32
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Metaphor View Post
    I honestly don't understand the NF approach to relationships with INTx's. They don't need more TLC than any other type. In doing so, you're enabling grown men to be more selfish and inconsiderate. Aren't you ultimately looking for a mature relationship with another responsible adult? So consider the beginnings as setting the tone for the balance of what might or might not happen, like a relationship.
    yes. i think this is a non-personality-type-specific issue of my own. i suppose i need to value a committed/considerate partner more than just brilliance/physical compatibility/tenderness. one idea is to just accept his invitations when they suit me, and see whether he cares enough to respond/notice/modify his behavior.

    i won't bank on it, though. i think you're point above is correct: i need to honestly/rationally communicate that i like it when he asks me out in advance, then go about my life and see whether he's actually interested in being in it.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

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  3. #33
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    you raise a good point about the tension between claiming to accept him how he is (which is really a Sad-inducing compromise which i understand poorly) and the hurting-like-hellness. i think if i can survive the Road To Commitment without guilting/getting hurt/pressuring him, there may be hope. but i don't see how i can do this without communicating to him that i'm stretching myself.

    and it seems that INT's run for the hills if they sense expectations. which seems highly likely over the course of that conversation...regardless of what i say/don't say. he will sense an expectation, and bolt.
    I think it depends on the delivery. All relationships have expectations. Even the desire not to be burdened with expectations, is an implicit expectation... Why should his be more important than yours?
    INTs like to understand very specifically what is expected of them so that they aren't completely taken aback when people get vexed about stuff that they just don't think is important, or when they find out that their actions have been interpreted in perplexingly unintentional ways.

    If you can communicate your needs in terms that are neither overly emotional nor manipulative, he may well be open to that. Certainly he'll tell you what he can and cannot do. More importantly, you'll feel better about yourself and less anxious about the relationship.
    If you don't, it will weigh heavily in the air between you and he'll know that he's not doing something right but he probably won't have much of a clue about how to fix it.

    EDIT ^^Well, I guess this was all covered above.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  4. #34
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReflecttcelfeR View Post
    The ambiguity of his feelings might not be because he is confused necessarily...but because he isn't sure about the strength of your emotions. If he is confused then perhaps you need to tell him, or perhaps show some of the conviction that you feel. With your certainty he may be able to relax a little and open up. It also moves the relationship forward.
    i am 100% certain he knows how i feel. how could he not, when i'm always available and very loving when we're together? one area of ambiguity, though, is the dual message i've [unfortunately] given him. i previously thought i wasn't ready for a relationship, and on a few occasions told him that i'd like to have one with him but felt that i still needed to to heal. a few days ago i came to the realization that i want a relationship with him, regardless of whether i'm objectively "ready."

    i have not yet had an opportunity to communicate that to him. i cannot imagine it would be a surprise to him, but perhaps he is a very literal-minded person and sublimates any intuition* he may have that i want more.

    *it would be more than an intuition...i've almost always been available at the last minute, willing to drive 20 minutes in the cold/rain to see him, etc. i'm a disgusting romantic and looking for an exceptional man, but have probably gone too far for this one. which is why i am going to try turning down invitations that are inconvenient to me. acts which, sadly, may push him way...but what other choice do i have?
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  5. #35
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salomé View Post
    I think it depends on the delivery. All relationships have expectations. Even the desire not to be burdened with expectations, is an implicit expectation... Why should his be more important than yours?...If you don't, it will weigh heavily in the air between you and he'll know that he's not doing something right but he probably won't have much of a clue about how to fix it.

    EDIT ^^Well, I guess this was all covered above.
    a lot of wisdom there. thank you, i'm quite grateful. i particularly like what you say about him sensing he isn't doing something right. better to be forthright with him in a rational way and save myself so much anxiety (and trigger guilt, and distancing, on his part).

    i'm slowly beginning to understand how to proceed...thank you to everyone who has contributed to this thread! i will keep you all apprised...
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  6. #36
    ReflecTcelfeR
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    a few days ago i came to the realization that i want a relationship with him, regardless of whether i'm objectively "ready."

    i have not yet had an opportunity to communicate that to him. i cannot imagine it would be a surprise to him, but perhaps he is a very literal-minded person and sublimates any intuition* he may have that i want more.
    Do this then. Test your theory .

  7. #37
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    i am 100% certain he knows how i feel. how could he not, when i'm always available and very loving when we're together? one area of ambiguity, though, is the dual message i've [unfortunately] given him. i previously thought i wasn't ready for a relationship, and on a few occasions told him that i'd like to have one with him but felt that i still needed to to heal. a few days ago i came to the realization that i want a relationship with him, regardless of whether i'm objectively "ready."
    How are you sure that he responds well to what's bolded, then add to that the layer that you may be communicating yourself to be unsure of how you feel?

  8. #38
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    How are you sure that he responds well to what's bolded, then add to that the layer that you may be communicating yourself to be unsure of how you feel?
    yeah. the realization that i'm ready for a relationship is new and something i need to communicate.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  9. #39
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    I think this guy has a major commitment problem and he feels guilty because he knows that in the end he is going to bail. I would be really careful with this one.

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    Salomé: you raise a good point about the tension between claiming to accept him how he is (which is really a Sad-inducing compromise which i understand poorly) and the hurting-like-hellness. i think if i can survive the Road To Commitment without guilting/getting hurt/pressuring him, there may be hope. but i don't see how i can do this without communicating to him that i'm stretching myself.

    and it seems that INT's run for the hills if they sense expectations. which seems highly likely over the course of that conversation...regardless of what i say/don't say. he will sense an expectation, and possibly bolt. in that case, i suppose "rejection is protection."
    To me this shouldnt be an option, but its your choice.

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