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  1. #171
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MatsNorway View Post
    I don`t know what he is but he sure is a idiot if he does not have some autism shit going on.. like aspergers.
    i think he's very strategic about all this. he's gotten everything he wanted (ex still sleeps with him, new girl hung on for a while).

    i think his layers are (outside-->in):
    furthering his needs at the expense of others---> terrified of being wrong--->scared of being hurt.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

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  2. #172
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    i think he's very strategic about all this. he's gotten everything he wanted (ex still sleeps with him, new girl hung on for a while).

    i think his layers are (outside-->in):
    furthering his needs at the expense of others---> terrified of being wrong--->scared of being hurt.
    I think you're onto something there.
    Something Witty

  3. #173
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    brief update for those following this ill-fated adventure.

    i just got back from a weekend in a cabin with the guy. the fireplace blazed. the wine flowed. surfaces were defiled. eyes were gazed into. did we have a lovely time? yes. did it resolve anything? HELL, no.

    he still needs time and space to explore what's right for him. he apparently loves me. a little. LOL. he also said that i'm one of the few people he hopes to take through life with him. not to belittle or discount the feelings he does have for me, but this is like dragging a donkey's ass through mud. he simply isn't able or willing to have a relationship on my terms or in a time frame that i'd prefer, and i truly get that now. and it's obviously his right to commit if and when he's ready.

    so i'm taking a little break from the man. and from dating in general. i must be insane in the membrane to have put myself through this. and i would probably do it again if given the chance. yep, i'm silly that way.

    as an aside, he is not closed to the possibility of being together one day. but his time frame is much much longer than i expected. a few of you hinted at this. this weekend i proposed slipping away for a while to process everything and get some perspective on him. he agreed and said that a month, for ex, isn't very long in his world and that it might be a good idea so that he can work through a few things on his end. one of my friends suggested that he keeps me around because he genuinely likes me and hopes we can be friends one day, rather than having a real desire to see whether we can be together romantically one day. i have no idea. i'm not even sure he knows.

    at any rate, i'm not sure one can rescue friendship after all this. sigh. maybe another thread...
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  4. #174
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    i think getting bit more distance is a really good idea, but i dont think you should distance yourself from him forever. see how much distance he is comfortable with and get a bit more for a while, im sure he will start to notice what hes missing. i dont think he will understand this fully without experiencing it.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  5. #175
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    Dawww, furry :3



    Although, as I did say to you; you won't answer any of these questions unless you ask them.

  6. #176
    Senior Member Rex's Avatar
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    Ditch the dude...
    http://www.beerandphilosophy.com/wp-.../INTJ-box1.jpg
    Lots of fish in the sea.

  7. #177
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    *smiles*

    I'd say he gave you the biggest compliment he could given his current state of mind. Either he's a using PUA on you (somehow I doubt it thought..) or he is genuinly intrigued by you and did express that. He seems stuck within himself, within his game for that matter, and he needs to find his way out still. Problem is, I don't think he realized he might want to find the way out before. You might've just given him the incentive to do so, but it's too early to tell, and too vague to estimate if and how much it would work. Time apart is a very good idea, and hopefully he'll put it to good use.

    Meanwhile, don't expect anything from him, go with the flow and enjoy his company when and if you can. He knows your terms and he knows where to find you. Up to him to figure out if it's something he could be interested in. Otherwise, pleasant company is always fun too.

    In other words: close the door on him but leave the window open...just in case
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  8. #178
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    *smiles*

    I'd say he gave you the biggest compliment he could given his current state of mind. Either he's a using PUA on you (somehow I doubt it thought..) or he is genuinly intrigued by you and did express that. He seems stuck within himself, within his game for that matter, and he needs to find his way out still. Problem is, I don't think he realized he might want to find the way out before. You might've just given him the incentive to do so, but it's too early to tell, and too vague to estimate if and how much it would work. Time apart is a very good idea, and hopefully he'll put it to good use.

    Meanwhile, don't expect anything from him, go with the flow and enjoy his company when and if you can. He knows your terms and he knows where to find you. Up to him to figure out if it's something he could be interested in. Otherwise, pleasant company is always fun too.

    In other words: close the door on him but leave the window open...just in case
    in other news, he's started dating a girl 14 years his junior. just, awesome. i found out because he put a pause on seeing me when he met her. two weeks later, when we finally talked about the obvious fact that we weren't dating anymore, he said: "in some ways, it's easier to date her than you because she has no expectations and doesn't want a relationship." he also admitted (when i pointed it out) that he started dating me too soon after he and his ex broke up, yet insists that i wasn't a rebound relationship. that he wants me in his life long-term, "in whatever form that may take."

    this is way high school but he actually texted that girl from the cabin, making plans to see her the night he got home! we'd agreed to turn off our cell phones so i asked what he was doing and he told me he was texting her. one of the nice things about our semi-transparency is that we can talk about most things, so i said i wasn't thrilled that he couldn't keep his extracurriculars out of our weekend together, or just take a two-day break from his affair with her. he said he was sorry it upset me but that i should concentrate more on the fact that he was there with me and not with her, than on the fact that he's making plans to see her afterwards. he repeatedly says she's short-term but not really my business to wonder. just more mind-fuckery. later that day he said he thinks that most women are crazy when it comes to relationships, but when i asked him why he bothers with them if that's how he feels, he replied, "because the loneliness i feel without one in my life makes it worth it." i think he's definitely lonely and missing companionship. and she presents an easy and friendly solution.

    and my old friend, pessimism...as he said goodbye he said that, with a break, i might miss him less. possibly even forget about him, or decide that i don't want him in my life. his comfort with the glass-is-half-empty view on everything is exasperating. i'm simply not that way. i can't tell whether he's *hoping* i forget about him when he talks that way. in which case: be honest, be practical and TELL ME SO. i'd bugger off immediately.

    but i agree with you. i don't think he's done the analysis required to know what he wants. and the longer i stick around, i somehow think the longer it prolongs his indecision. i have no idea why but maybe it has to do with missing me, as INTP said.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  9. #179
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    He sounds like a total fucking loser.

    Seriously, no offense, but get some self-respect. He texted some really young girl while he was away on his weekend with you?

    Dude, I would have left. I would have been like, "um, bye."

  10. #180
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    He slept with his ex ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? Plus you're saying he's a selfish person who has no problem using others to his own gain? Run, run, run away.
    Pretty much that was the clincher for me.

    At best, he did it innocently and will continue to do hurtful things such as this out of ignorance in any continuing relationship; at worst, he did it on purpose, making it doubly sure you should move on and find someone who respects you as a human being.

    It sounds to me that you're confusing yourself because you just really liked him and didn't want to cut things off necessarily. We all can feel that way sometimes, but in the end, it sounds like you are only going to be hurt and taken advantage of in this particular relationship.

    in other news, he's started dating a girl 14 years his junior. just, awesome. i found out because he put a pause on seeing me when he met her. two weeks later, when we finally talked about the obvious fact that we weren't dating anymore, he said: "in some ways, it's easier to date her than you because she has no expectations and doesn't want a relationship." he also admitted (when i pointed it out) that he started dating me too soon after he and his ex broke up, yet insists that i wasn't a rebound relationship. that he wants me in his life long-term, "in whatever form that may take."

    this is way high school but he actually texted that girl from the cabin, making plans to see her the night he got home! we'd agreed to turn off our cell phones so i asked what he was doing and he told me he was texting her...
    Yeah. Exactly... Glad it seems to be "over"... although it's clear your heart is still kind of wishing it wasn't.

    don't think he's done the analysis required to know what he wants. and the longer i stick around, i somehow think the longer it prolongs his indecision. i have no idea why but maybe it has to do with missing me, as INTP said.
    I was going to respond to your WAAAAY earlier question in the OP about him saying love was grayscale for him.

    I don't know what type he is, but for me as a P, I had a lot of trouble deciding whether I love(d) someone or not. i could even be in LTRs, and even married, and still wonder whether I should be with the person and actually loved them. The problem is that I needed to analyze it... and i had no real litmus test for what "love" actually should feel like, so I couldn't tell if my analysis would match up with what "love" was supposed to be.

    I could feel very intently about someone. I could want to be with them. I could commit my life to them. And still not be sure if what I was feeling was love. Frustrating as hell, not just for me... but also for those who knew they loved me... and it would leave me feeling so guilty and horrible that I would want to bail simply so that I would not hurt anyone else. I don't want to use people, and if I didn't really "love" them, then I didn't want to have them commit to me and maybe get hurt some day.

    i think at some point I reached a stage where i just realized that love had a large commitment aspect, rather than just being a "state" of self. I could bridge the gap over my doubts by simply choosing to commit, and this would compensate for my lack of ability to measure my feelings quantitatively. And whoever I chose to love would be a person I loved. That was it. Love was a choice, once basic criteria were met.

    EDIT: In any case, I need to say (in response to your very last post here) that, if he has not reached that stage (which it sounds like he hasn't), then your remaining around IS going to confuse him. He will have good feelings toward you, he will want to be physically intimate, he will want to engage you if you are there... all while not being willing or able to commit... so it will just make it harder for him to move on.

    Honestly, for his sake and yours, I would just call a temporary moratorium in seeing each other even as friends. He needs to move on... and so do you.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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