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  1. #131
    violaine
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    ^Agree with the above. This guy is a mess and I think you are only going to get more hurt than you already have been.

  2. #132
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    that sounds pretty bad. i wouldn't stay in that situation. it feels extremely disrespectful. and like he's not not taking any responsibility to fairly disclose his actual feelings (i've been trapped in situations where i didn't know how to publish the whole truth of my feelings (i didn't know them), but my behavior at least was aimed at being as fair as possible). even if he doesn't know them, he's doing hurtful things, and in that case, when he hasn't earned any leniency either, when he hasn't made sacrifices for you, it's not at all fair to ask for sacrifices from you. the "wanting to be friends" thing can be nice and noble, but it's also saying "yeah, let's be friends because i like keeping people around who love me so much." if you don't, things change, and he seems really poor at commitment, and is in fact using previous issues he's had as an excuse to behave worse, to slant things so dramatically for his own advantage (and avoidance of risk). i know about wanting to avoid risk. i've gotten angry as a way of manipulating a situation. i've been a fickle 5w4 sx/sp. he's not helping anyone including himself by pulling this bullshit, and at this point, i don't know how the relationship could be recoverable even if he were to suddenly change. could he feasibly change enough that his reasons wouldn't be to avoid his own needed self-improvements? because he has to address his own shit and stop assuming that others will do that for him in the right time. not being able to say look, i really do need time, and whether you wait for me or not, it's absolutely necessary for me to get over my shit. if he was saying, look, i think i need time, but i'm willing to try bc i think this relationship is worth giving a shot even if the timing isn't ideal, well, he wouldn't fucking sleep with his ex in that case!!! that's definitely a choice, and that that's okay bc it's not legally lying is really telling. i don't know how i wouldn't be overwhelmed with guilt if i were to see the person in your position if i had said what i said to you, continually reinforced notions of possibility to keep things going, and then made a choice that i didn't even try to explain, feel remorse for, and use as a springboard to fully and completely equalize everything, to try to make up for it to you in some way. especially if i really believed in a special possibility existing between the two of us, and ESPECIALLY a long term, life long, this is it possibility.

  3. #133
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post
    Drop him like he's hot.

    The sooner you get out the less time you will have wasted and the less hurt you'll feel.

    He is not over his ex, either.
    this.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  4. #134
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    He slept with his ex ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? Plus you're saying he's a selfish person who has no problem using others to his own gain?

    Run, run, run away.

  5. #135
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    i haven't decided what i'm going to do yet. still reflecting/detaching/mourning. i think i got fucked over here. but my intuition tells me that, yes, he fucked up, but he isn't a bad person.

    the question is, do i want to take this journey with him, already having been hurt. it just saddens me that he has no idea how blind he's been, and what a good partner i could be. he said once that if i walked away from him, he would respect my wishes but come back when he was ready for a relationship. and that i might turn him down, and that he would go away and come back again later. he then said maybe i would be the one that got away. i looked at him in shock that he could even verbalize that possibility, and seem melancholy but accepting of it. that tells me he is on some level ok with it, and i'd rather be with someone who has what it takes to fight for a relationship.

    life isn't perfect and pretty. people get sick. lose jobs. become humbled one way or another...and having a loving, supportive companion is what matters then. who knows...perhaps he has that in his ex, and anything else is auxiliary. just comforting sex.

    how very sad. i don't want to be a casualty, which is why i'm trying to detach. the option to walk away from him now obviously exists. i could say "come back when you're ready for a relationship." and maybe i do that. maybe now, or maybe in two months after i've taken a hard look at him and catalogued his strengths/weaknesses, and made a rational decision about whether or not he has what it takes to be a good partner to me. i kind of feel like i don't have all the information i need...just a big ol' smoking gun (his sleeping with an ex in parallel with me, and subsequent denial of any wrong-doing) combined with the lovely things i see in his personality. things which exist in all of us, perhaps, but which i appreciate in him. but those things combined do not a relationship make...and yet i am compelled to want to investigate further. i am a mess. but, a silent mess, as i haven't succumbed yet. still, for now, trapped in my deliberations.

    i read here that the ENFP's hidden agenda is "to know": http://www.socionics.com/articles/hiddena.htm

    and there's the rub. i want to know, i hate having identified a possibility, even a faint glimmer of one...and walked away without knowing. i'm just trying to achieve the knowing without having my heart kicked to the curb like an old shoe. i'm a wonderful, loving, loyal person. it is so sad to me that this one man says he realizes it*, but doesn't know what to do with it.

    ON AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT NOTE: he has repeatedly told me that his ex doesn't get hurt when they have sex after their break-up (which he precipitated citing reasons of incompatibility). i told him that is b.s., that women *always* feel emotionally bonded after sleeping with someone they used to love (and in her case, currently loves). i told him that, every time he sleeps with her, it prolongs the pain of their breakup and makes it impossible for either of them to fully heal. at least, perhaps for her. am i alone in this belief? can some women please comment?

    * i've been told that i'm awesome. that he's excited about me. that he hopes to have me in his life one way or another for a long time to come. that he has started to love me (most recently). but why the f*ck don't i merit an acknowledgement that he hurt me by sleeping with his ex on my birthday?! or a revision to his position on being exclusive, as a result of seeing that it hurt me and is jeopardizing a relationship with an awesome person? are we so common that he can gamble...is he so broken that he can't be any different.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
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  6. #136
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    I think the trick may actually be walking away from this person so perhaps he'll realize he values you in your absence. Otherwise, I think not.

    I know it's hard, I've felt the way you feel before, and yes, just because people mess up doesn't make them bad people. But just because someone "isn't a bad person" doesn't mean they love you or will treat you well.

    I understand how you feel, I really do, and it's so freaking hard to make yourself snap out of it, but I think it would be in your own best interest.


  7. #137
    Senior Member Rex's Avatar
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    Load up your Megaphone machine gun and yell at him like a madman...



    But first we need to know if you ever said anything to him about him meeting other girls.. its a given i know..

    And yes you should probably try to walk away from him. But not before you have talked about it/yelled at him.. in the flesh.

  8. #138
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    the bottom line is that he really wants to be with his ex rather than you. he might like you and would like to be with you, if he didnt want to be with his ex more than you.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  9. #139
    He who laughs
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    if you believe this guy, you are stupid. So he tells you, now, that he loves you? Was this after the sex with the ex? Seems manipulative to me, keeping you lingering until he figures out if he need you.

    This is way too much on his terms. You need to change the dynamic atleast.

  10. #140
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Yeah, the fact that he slept with his ex on your birthday is all I'd need to know. I think I was giving him too much credit before. This guy doesn't have your best interests at heart.
    Something Witty

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