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  1. #1
    Member Serenes's Avatar
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    Red face Understanding xNTJ friends (Questions)

    I posted similar questions on friendship in the ISTJ section but I'm also curious to know more about INTJs&ENTJs as well. So here are my questions concerning your friendships!

    Do you ever Want to befriend someone, if so, do you ever put in the effort to hang out with them more often or find time to spend with them? Do you often try to invite them out or wait for the other person to ask instead?

    Are you usually kind and say things out of politeness instead of what you really think? (like compliments and such)

    If someone were annoying you, would you ever confront them about it? What would you do if you didn't like someone's company and yet they kept trying to talk to you?

    Do you share personal thoughts often? Would you feel threatened/annoyed if it seemed like someone kept asking about your personal life?

    Do you trust your friends easily, how do they gain your trust?

    How long does it take for you to open up and feel comfortable around a friend? What kinds of people do you open up to easier or gravitate towards?

    What do you enjoy most about your friends? What kind of qualities do you like in your friendship?

    What qualities do you Not like in your friendships? Any deal-breakers?

    How do you usually act when you're having a good time? How do you usually act when you're having a bad time?

    If your friends had a totally different view on something that you believed to be important and right, would you think of them differently?

    Do you ever feel like you have certain obligations to your friends and try to fulfill them? Or do you usually do it because you want to?

    In turn, do you usually have any expectations of your friends? What if they don't fulfill them?



    I know it's a lot of random questions, so you can answer the ones you would like to




    Thanks!
    "You may be one person to the world, but to one person you may be the world."

  2. #2
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    Do you ever Want to befriend someone, if so, do you ever put in the effort to hang out with them more often or find time to spend with them? Do you often try to invite them out or wait for the other person to ask instead?

    Yes, but I tend to just send out friendly "signals" to the other person and allow them to pursue me if they wish. That way time isn't unnecessarily wasted. If someone interesting does initiate, I find time to spend with them.

    Are you usually kind and say things out of politeness instead of what you really think? (like compliments and such)

    I'm not naturally inclined to give out compliments. However, working in the corporate world for a few years (I'm 21) while in college, I've learned that professional behavior is of utmost importance, and that often involves a nicety here and there. So if someone disturbs my focus by intruding into my office, if they apologize for interrupting, I'm going to humor them and say something like: "No worries. What can I do for you?" as opposed to..."You should be sorry." xD

    If someone were annoying you, would you ever confront them about it? What would you do if you didn't like someone's company and yet they kept trying to talk to you?

    If someone's actively annoying me to the point where it interfered with my work/progress/life, of course I'll speak up. As for persistent unwanted company, I politely cut them off and use an excuse about being "busy". They usually get the hint.

    Do you share personal thoughts often? Would you feel threatened/annoyed if it seemed like someone kept asking about your personal life?

    On forums, yes. In actual life, not at all, unless there's a specific relevance. And yes, I really dislike it when people try to pry information. If it's just casual (i.e., where are you going to college? Where do you usually like to go for lunch?), I oblige in the small-talk. No problem, since it usually doesn't distract me much because it tends to be so easy and mindless. xD If they're getting too personal, I'll change the subject, because yes, that's very irritating.

    Do you trust your friends easily, how do they gain your trust?

    Trust is a scarce and precious commodity, and nobody has my full trust. However, if they know I have sensitive information on them, if they don't have an opportunity to harm my image much, and if they've had a stellar track record of not lying/betraying, I'll be more inclined to entrust them a bit.

    How long does it take for you to open up and feel comfortable around a friend? What kinds of people do you open up to easier or gravitate towards?

    Open up as in getting silly/crazy? Easily, if we're in the appropriate environment. Open up as in getting personal? Not sure, I haven't given it much thought.

    What do you enjoy most about your friends? What kind of qualities do you like in your friendship?

    Friends are people to participate in fun activities with. Kind like a 1+1=3 equation when it comes to measuring the fun involved in doing crazy/new things. Qualities? Be open-minded, interesting, positive-thinking, and independent.

    What qualities do you Not like in your friendships? Any deal-breakers?

    Neediness/Clinginess. And people who try to hold me back or hold me down. And people who attempt to lie or betray me. I don't even take kindly to white lies either, but I can understand that in front of others in certain environments, they're a necessary evil.

    How do you usually act when you're having a good time? How do you usually act when you're having a bad time?

    This question is too vague.

    If your friends had a totally different view on something that you believed to be important and right, would you think of them differently?

    Nope, but I'd enjoy getting new food for thought about the issue. I like it when people disagree with me. How are people supposed to learn if they never consider differing viewpoints?

    Do you ever feel like you have certain obligations to your friends and try to fulfill them? Or do you usually do it because you want to?

    If they're just my friends and have no bearing on my professional success, then of course I'm only doing things because I want to, or because it's only fair.

    In turn, do you usually have any expectations of your friends? What if they don't fulfill them?

    See my answers on "What I like in friends" and "Deal breakers". If they don't fulfill, I'm quick to drop them (as long as these aren't people who could influence my success in any way). I don't like to start pointless arguments, I just clearly drift off from them.
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  3. #3
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    Do you ever Want to befriend someone, if so, do you ever put in the effort to hang out with them more often or find time to spend with them? Do you often try to invite them out or wait for the other person to ask instead?

    Depends on the person and how "valuable" they are to me= don't bore me. If I find them very valuable as a friend, then I will likely befriend them, and put a bit of effort into speaking/hanging out with them. I have no problem telling someone we should go do something together.

    Are you usually kind and say things out of politeness instead of what you really think? (like compliments and such)?
    No, I rarely compliment out of "politeness". I'm more likely to hold something back if necessary, I try not to be crude. If I say something nice to them, I will mean it 100%. Also, depending on how close of a friend they are, I almost never hold anything back from my best-friends, to the point of face-palming.

    If someone were annoying you, would you ever confront them about it? What would you do if you didn't like someone's company and yet they kept trying to talk to you? I will likely ignore them, or tell them I don't have time for them. If I really didn't like them, and they actually annoyed me, I would tell them about what they are doing. No reason to flip out on someone who has no idea how annoying they are. I think it's important to let someone know when they're crossing a boundary.

    Do you share personal thoughts often? Would you feel threatened/annoyed if it seemed like someone kept asking about your personal life? I'm extremely private. I don't usually like sharing anything about my intimate/personal life with anyone who I don't feel comfortable sharing it with. I rarely share things about me with anyone; and if I make the mistake of doing so, I regret it afterwards. I don't like people knowing anything about me than what I want them to believe they know. My Best friends know plenty about me, but not everything. Each one knows what I feel comfortable telling them.

    Do you trust your friends easily, how do they gain your trust? I do trust my best- friends, but not limitlessly. It would be naive to think that people don't change, if you give them enough power, people can destroy you/ what you have built. Friends, I don't trust.

    How long does it take for you to open up and feel comfortable around a friend? What kinds of people do you open up to easier or gravitate towards?People I relate to , or have shared similar experiences are usually the easiest to talk to. Objective people who aren't easily offended or take things personally are the best. It takes me months( ~ 1 yr) to start really considering a person as a friend, let alone a close one.

    What do you enjoy most about your friends? What kind of qualities do you like in your friendship? Best friends: Their honest opinions, and loyalty.

    What qualities do you Not like in your friendships? Any deal-breakers? social obligations. Always having to maintain constant contact. Luckily with my B. friends, I can disappear for weeks, and it will be like there was no distance/disappearance once we start speaking again. We live by " If you need me, let me know, and I'll be there" .

    I like Mr.Cockburns answer. However, I usually cut people off as soon as I find out that they attribute any of these qualities.
    Neediness/Clinginess. And people who try to hold me back or hold me down.
    How do you usually act when you're having a good time? How do you usually act when you're having a bad time? If I'm not uncomfortable, and not bored. I'm most likely having a good time. I do what most normal people do(joke, laugh,etc). If I'm having a bad time, I make it known that I'm bored and want to leave.

    If your friends had a totally different view on something that you believed to be important and right, would you think of them differently? Of course not. That's their opinion. They're putting up with me even though I disagree with them, no?

    Do you ever feel like you have certain obligations to your friends and try to fulfill them? Or do you usually do it because you want to?Mostly because I want to. Sometimes I do it because I care enough to put myself in an uncomfortable position to make them happy. Otherwise I don't think I would be a very good B.friend. For friends, its usually that I want to only. If I'm feeling uncomfortable( ie. messes with my schedule), I probably won't do it.

    In turn, do you usually have any expectations of your friends? What if they don't fulfill them?They probably have their reasons, and have most likely told me them. I don't expect much from people, and I know enough of my friend's honesty to know when they're being truthful.


    Good God that was long

  4. #4
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    Do you ever Want to befriend someone, if so, do you ever put in the effort to hang out with them more often or find time to spend with them? Do you often try to invite them out or wait for the other person to ask instead?

    Yes, I try to put in the effort if they seem like they could be important to me. Where exactly this assessment comes from, I don't know - I just intuitively perceive that some people might be worth my time. When they're important, I will try to spend more time with them; whether or not that actually happens depends on the 'vibe' I get from them and/or scheduling. However, being on the border between P and J, I tend to wait; sometimes, I'll make a suggestion or ask if they want to do something, but if they say no with no real reason, I probably won't ask again.


    Are you usually kind and say things out of politeness instead of what you really think? (like compliments and such)

    Towards most people, no. Towards some people I like who I see as sensitive or touchy-feely, I'll be less direct or open... But, as far as compliments go: You probably won't get a compliment about appearances because I probably won't notice it; but you may get a compliment if something truly amazes me. However, compliments for the sake of compliments usually don't happen...


    If someone were annoying you, would you ever confront them about it? What would you do if you didn't like someone's company and yet they kept trying to talk to you?

    Um. Typically, I'll ignore them. If I'm trying to accomplish something, I'll move. If I perceive them as sensitive, I won't confront them unless it becomes a huge problem; however, if they're not that sensitive, I'll confront them.


    Do you share personal thoughts often? Would you feel threatened/annoyed if it seemed like someone kept asking about your personal life?

    I'll share things when I'm ready. If you ask me about them, chances are I won't be ready - even if I was before you asked. However, if I'm really comfortable with you, I'll answer [nearly] anything. If you ask me something, I say no then finally give in and you ask me something else, this would be very bad for you.


    Do you trust your friends easily, how do they gain your trust?

    Intuition. Losing trust, once earned, is a function of logic and analysis, but earning trust is an intuitive process. I have yet to figure out what it is that makes me trust people... For some people, it's instantaneous; for others, it takes a while; for most, it never comes.


    How long does it take for you to open up and feel comfortable around a friend? What kinds of people do you open up to easier or gravitate towards?

    Again, intuition... Really annoying cognitive process that's very useful but a pain in the butt to describe. The kinds of people? I don't know...


    What do you enjoy most about your friends? What kind of qualities do you like in your friendship?

    Um. I really enjoy rationality and interest in all things intellectual, but I don't come across this often. Other than that... Um. I'm not sure. I'm sorry I can't be of more help here.


    What qualities do you NOT like in your friendships? Any deal-breakers?

    Deal-breakers:

    Smoking
    Drinking
    Whore-ness
    Unfaithfulness
    Liberal-ness
    Overly emotional-ness
    Aversion to sarcasm
    Lack of ambition
    No quest for intellectual stimulation

    Mostly, these are personal preferences...


    How do you usually act when you're having a good time? How do you usually act when you're having a bad time?

    When I'm having a bad time, I'm usually quiet and observant (though I suspect this is my "p" side). I generally interject in conversations when I have a strong disagreement, but quickly retreat even before the currently discussed topic ends.

    If I'm having a good time... it depends on the people (their types, common interests, etc), the situation/environment (party, public debate, sci-fi convention, etc) and the reason we're there (to run a booth, watch a conference, run sound/lights, meet friends, etc). Generally, I'll be engaged, even if I'm disagreeing with what's said. If I might like you as more than a friend, I might try to keep little distance between us, always moving into closer proximity.


    If your friends had a totally different view on something that you believed to be important and right, would you think of them differently?

    It depends on what it is. For instance, if they believed that PCs are better than Macs, I'd think they were misguided, but I'd be OK with it so long as they didn't try to push those views on me. If, however, they think that the 2nd amendment doesn't apply to the general citizenry and that people shouldn't own/carry guns (and use them as defensive weapons), I would think much differently about them because their belief actively seeks to strip me of liberty through their actions in voting. If this were the case, we would have a very limited future.


    Do you ever feel like you have certain obligations to your friends and try to fulfill them? Or do you usually do it because you want to?

    Obligations: yes. Namely: gifts, when they give them; or to listen when they're talking. I usually try to, but hate that I have to. I typically resent it, but realize it's necessary - 'tit-for-tat'. However, generally, if I like the person already, it's because their personality is compatible, and generally that correlates to the types of requests they make and then they're not usually as bad...


    In turn, do you usually have any expectations of your friends? What if they don't fulfill them?

    Um. My expectations depend on how far I want our relationship to progress. If they don't fulfill them, I scale it back - a lot - because my expectations were set for them specifically anyway.

    However, for some things, I have kind of a two-strike rule: if they mess up once, I'll completely ignore it and it will appear to have never happened; but if they do it again, that's it - things'll never be the same. Other things, like cheating in a relationship, are an automatic end with no hope of reversal or second-chances.
    Intuition is the supra-logic that cuts out all the routine processes of thought and leaps straight from the problem to the answer.

  5. #5
    L'anima non dimora Donna Cecilia's Avatar
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    Do you ever Want to befriend someone, if so, do you ever put in the effort to hang out with them more often or find time to spend with them? Do you often try to invite them out or wait for the other person to ask instead?

    I do take the initiative if I know that it is a worthy person.

    Are you usually kind and say things out of politeness instead of what you really think? (like compliments and such)

    No. I always prefer honesty, I'm not good at sugar-coating things. Especially with close relationships.

    If someone were annoying you, would you ever confront them about it? What would you do if you didn't like someone's company and yet they kept trying to talk to you?

    Tell them to back off in the most civilized manner possible. I'm honest, but not rude.

    Do you share personal thoughts often? Would you feel threatened/annoyed if it seemed like someone kept asking about your personal life?

    I share personal thoughts only with people who have earned my trust. As for my personal life, I see it as an invasion. I take the word personal literally, and I can count on the fingers of one hand the people who know something about my personal life. And yet, they know very little.

    Do you trust your friends easily, how do they gain your trust?

    By doing something valuable for me, and "being there" over time.

    How long does it take for you to open up and feel comfortable around a friend? What kinds of people do you open up to easier or gravitate towards?

    I just know when. Can't tell you a time period. And I have friends from all walks of life too. I gravitate towards people who can get me mentally.

    What do you enjoy most about your friends? What kind of qualities do you like in your friendship?

    Their acceptance and honesty. That answers both questions.

    What qualities do you Not like in your friendships? Any deal-breakers?


    Clingyness. They must have a life of their own if they want to be my friends. That has been the major deal breaker with friendships.

    If your friends had a totally different view on something that you believed to be important and right, would you think of them differently?

    No. And sometimes that itself is what makes my friends interesting.

    Do you ever feel like you have certain obligations to your friends and try to fulfill them? Or do you usually do it because you want to?

    I do it because I want to.

    In turn, do you usually have any expectations of your friends? What if they don't fulfill them?

    I used to have them. But I've learnt that they can damage friendships as they end up being built on false premises. It's better to take people for what they are.

    "An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise."
    Victor Hugo



    LII/INTj (Analyst) - 1w9 Sp/Sx - RC|O|EI - Melancholy/Choleric

  6. #6
    Member Serenes's Avatar
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    ahh thank you for all the thoughtful & long posts! I notice that you all seem very private about your personal lives/thoughts unless it's usually with a close friend. How does one get to that stage with you? Is it possible to get close to you in a short amount of time, as in maybe a month? Has that ever happened before? Or does it usually take years before you even consider them worthy?

    I tend to ask personal questions a lot, as in sometimes asking about their past or really random open-ended questions. I notice that most of my friends are always surprised by the questions I ask because they say no one's ever ask them those kinds of questions and they've never thought of it before... And I think they may be weirded out by why I even ask some of them. It's my way of trying to understand them better, plus it's interesting to me the kinds of answers they can come up with so it gives me a view on what kind of person they may be and how they think. And to me.. it's just way more fun to talk about than the everyday kinds of stuff. But do you get annoyed often if a friend you're comfortable with asks a bunch of random deep questions and possibilities? or would you prefer more of the fun easy-going, realistic topics? In general, what do you all usually like to talk about?

    How do you feel close to someone? For me.. it's being able to be open with someone in sharing my thoughts/feelings on any crazy random ideas and personal topics. So I guess that's why I try to ask those kinds of questions all the time, because it's my way of trying to connect on a deeper level with them. But I guess it can be very intruding, and annoying if I'm not considered a close friend yet
    "You may be one person to the world, but to one person you may be the world."

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Serenes View Post
    ahh thank you for all the thoughtful & long posts! I notice that you all seem very private about your personal lives/thoughts unless it's usually with a close friend.
    Quote Originally Posted by Serenes View Post
    How does one get to that stage with you? Is it possible to get close to you in a short amount of time, as in maybe a month? Has that ever happened before? Or does it usually take years before you even consider them worthy?
    Looking at the other responses, it seems we are all in agreement that one of the most important traits is honesty both in words/actions/desires and self identity - we want you to be you and have your own thoughts, not make things up. So, by this, if you were to modify your behavior to try to get close to us faster, then you would not be being honest or true, and therefore it would get you nowhere fast. If you're good at deception, it might work for a bit - but you will revert, and we will find out.

    As far as getting close in a month... I don't know about the rest, but I've gotten close to some people in an hour - but, for others, it never happens. Again, our sense of your honesty and that the person you are portraying is really you (i.e. you're not wearing a mask) will go a LONG way. After that, it's really up to our sense of compatibility (or, at least for me it is). I cannot stress honesty more.

    As far as questions go: If you ask us a lot of questions, we might shut you out if we don't get that instant sense. However, for me at least, if you ask me something to which I don't respond and, instead of probing further, talk about yourself, current events, etc, I'm much more likely to chime in. If I chime in and don't immediately retreat, it means I see something in you and I'm not just responding off the cuff. At this point, you're far more likely to be 'in' than if you had asked more questions. Repeat this over and over, but always remain honest and true. Also, feel free to disagree/debate as long as you actually have a point of view. If we say whatever, this is bad; if we argue back (without retreating), this is good.


    Quote Originally Posted by Serenes View Post
    I tend to ask personal questions a lot, as in sometimes asking about their past or really random open-ended questions. I notice that most of my friends are always surprised by the questions I ask because they say no one's ever ask them those kinds of questions and they've never thought of it before...
    You say these questions make us think? Naturally, we probably enjoy them. If our answers are short, we're not interested. Move on. This might occur if the question involves only emotions where we believe our rationality will not be tolerated.


    Quote Originally Posted by Serenes View Post
    And to me.. it's just way more fun to talk about than the everyday kinds of stuff.
    Weird questions that make us think, imagine and contemplate are much more fun - as long as you enjoy them too.


    Quote Originally Posted by Serenes View Post
    But do you get annoyed often if a friend you're comfortable with asks a bunch of random deep questions and possibilities?
    If I'm not comfortable with you... Yes, deep questions are a negative. You can attenuate this negativity by answering the question yourself and moving on - but, again, honestly.

    If we answer with a short response, ask why. Then listen, but only if you actually want to know. If you ask why but don't really care... Good-bye.


    Quote Originally Posted by Serenes View Post
    or would you prefer more of the fun easy-going, realistic topics? In general, what do you all usually like to talk about?
    These questions are generally boring because they're usually superficial nonsense. However, feel free to sarcastically or mockingly ask these questions. Sarcasm and/or mocking ftw!


    Quote Originally Posted by Serenes View Post
    How do you feel close to someone? For me.. it's being able to be open with someone in sharing my thoughts/feelings on any crazy random ideas and personal topics.
    If I can be myself, and they can accept me while both being themselves and not trying to change me, this goes a long way. However, the feeling of closeness is, for me, an [annoying] intuitive process - even when the feelings of closeness aren't reciprocal. Respect, however, could either be intuitive or rational, each of which reinforcing the other and possibly harboring the feelings of closeness.

    In order for me to be truly close to someone, I have to be able to say what needs to be said without feeling like the other person's gonna curl up and die in sorrow or something. I get this feeling a lot with an ENFP friend of mine, which makes it nearly impossible for me to feel close.


    Quote Originally Posted by Serenes View Post
    So I guess that's why I try to ask those kinds of questions all the time, because it's my way of trying to connect on a deeper level with them. But I guess it can be very intruding, and annoying if I'm not considered a close friend yet
    I agree, those are typically the most interesting questions; and yes, they could be intruding, which is where what I said above comes into play.
    Intuition is the supra-logic that cuts out all the routine processes of thought and leaps straight from the problem to the answer.

  8. #8
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    Default Well....

    Yes, there have been times I wanted to befriend someone. Course this wasn't always returned so sometimes things fell apart. In other cases, my relationship skills tend to be kind of hit and miss as I could spend months without talking to someone and then they contact me, I don't notice how much time passed. I tend to have various groups where most that I want to befriend can be found and thus I see them there and that provides ample socialization for the most part. What extra I need can be handled through e-mail or texts.

    I'm the type to be polite and courteous, but I'll also generally hold back most of the time. It takes me a while to get comfortable with someone socially and let my guard down. If I'm in my comfort zone, I'm closer to saying what I think but this is after I've probably rehearsed it a half dozen times in my head before saying any words. If I tried to speak my mind directly, I believe I'd have to have another half dozen mouths to even try to do it justice.

    Depending on how annoying someone is, how close to my comfort zone am I, and what protocol there is are the factors to decide if I'd confront. In some cases, yeah I'd go and be like, "Knock it off!" but this is within my comfort zone as in other cases I may just disappear into the shadows. If someone tried to cling there may be a few things I'd try like excusing myself a few times or seeing if I can get the person's attention to say, "Hey, I gotta go. See ya!"

    Depending on how personal you mean, I share thoughts often. I have several tiers I'd say where on the one end are things that aren't meaningful to me as a person but may be used to separate me from other people, e.g. my age or name, while on the other end are those personal desires and dreams that in very select groups I'd share as I have been bullied and had various personal ideas crushed and it wasn't fun. To the extent someone can keep asking me about my personal life with some specificity I would likely be OK with it. At the same time, if the question is, "How you doin'?" every day this doesn't quite seem personal at times.

    I can trust easily but I tend to be rather selective of who I test things out. In a way I will let little personal things out and see what response I get. Do I get some respect and value or am I made to feel like a giant idiot for saying anything? Groups can be an anomaly here as strangers could appear at a support group meeting and hear all kinds of personal stuff about me that because this is so in my comfort zone I don't want to put up a wall.

    I've had a wide spectrum of answers when it comes to a friend as there is someone that within an hour or two of talking, I was open and totally spilling my guts. In other cases, I may never be comfortable around some people to tell something of deep personal value even though I may consider that person a friend in many other ways.

    To the extent that someone can handle how I talk and match me in a sense, those are the ones that I tend to open up and gravitate towards. I'll use the odd enormous word sporadically to see what response I get and this kind of determines what ballpark am I near. There is also the question of what bond do I have with someone as people from my support group may be a bit different than say my geek social group.

    I enjoy most when I can gush about something and have what was a good moment now feel great. When I can get support and a hug when I want it, these are what I enjoy most in my friends. The sense of someone being there for me, as well as my being useful for them too. There should be a sense of balance, generosity, kindness and love to how I interact with them.

    As for not like, there are a few. If someone tends to be a jerk repeatedly, that can be a deal-breaker. There can also be that question of how selfish my friend is, as that can also be a possible deal-breaker as I see friendships being about both give and take.

    The signs of my having a good time are a few actually. To the degree that I'm able to roll with anything and just let loose can be a signal that I believe some people have seen in me at times. Laughing a lot can also happen in those good times. There can be a sense of pride that should emerge, where I have some confidence about what I'm doing or have done. I can lose a few games and be fine with it as long as I'm trying and playing with good people. Good here is more in reference to not taking the game too seriously, being respectful in asking questions and getting answers, and what kind of vibe do I feel in this room.

    In contrast, bad times are where I will tend to go into one of two modes: 1) Self-implosion or 2) Self-explosion. The implosion is where I'll get sad, quiet and retreat to within my inner world and shut out the external world. Crying can sometimes occur here as some sensitive subjects can trigger me into tears in seconds. The explosion is where instead of beating myself up internally, I show my rage externally. There can be bursts of violence, yelling, and an attempt to dominant that some may find more than a little aggressive. Another sign here is wanting extreme vengeance as a form of justice. For example, I may feel that someone has disrespected me and I want them to lose a limb.

    My friends can have totally different views but the key is whether there is enough of a base to have a relationship. Things like respect are in that land of non-negotiables though there aren't many things here. For example, I am friends with some smokers even though for myself this is a sore subject as my mother passed away in 2002 from cancer after smoking for ~40 years or so.

    I do have some obligations at times as I may have said to a friend, "I'll give a ride on this date," then I will tend to stick to what I said. Now, that doesn't mean I don't feel that I want to do something at times, but sometimes there can be that sense of, "This is going to suck but I gotta do it..." Usually there are internal and external payoffs to seeing some stuff through but that doesn't make it go easy and smooth all the time.

    My expectations of friends can be infrequently occurring as I try to not need help from others most of the time. Thus, I am expecting rather little most of the time. If someone didn't meet my expectations, there will then be a few questions: 1) Were the expectations too high initially? 2) Was there a miscommunication of the expectations? 3) Are they sorry for not meeting my expectations? 4) What are reasonable ways to move forward from here? In some cases, I may appear to let something slide but really I'll have some secret scorecard where I keep track of how close to getting enough strikes to get me to a, "Ok, that's it. I am not your friend anymore."

    Feel free to ask any more questions as I like answering them sometimes. FWIW, I'm an INTJ.

  9. #9
    Member Serenes's Avatar
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    Thank you for answering my questions! So most importantly just be genuine and honest..which I usually always try to be. So it's mostly up to having enough in common interest to get along I guess

    Quote Originally Posted by alakazam View Post
    If we answer with a short response, ask why. Then listen, but only if you actually want to know. If you ask why but don't really care... Good-bye.


    Quote Originally Posted by alakazam View Post
    In order for me to be truly close to someone, I have to be able to say what needs to be said without feeling like the other person's gonna curl up and die in sorrow or something. I get this feeling a lot with an ENFP friend of mine, which makes it nearly impossible for me to feel close.
    That's interesting because I actually felt the same way in reverse. I want to get closer to IxTJ friends, and we get along enough but I feel like in the end I won't really be able to be Close to them because I think they tend to view me that way too(what you said). I can come across as very sensitive, so they may be too nice to say how they really feel about things concerning me because they are worried about how I'll take it. So they can't be fully honest with me..

    Like I notice my ISTJ and ENTJ friend talk differently with each other, tend to be very sarcastic and kind of argue/debate about their thoughts a lot.. it's kinda funny and amusing listening to them. But with me, they treat me more nicely and we don't get into those kinds of heated debates, since I don't really want to argue anyways but talk about more fun things instead of about who is right(maybe that's fun for them though).
    Last edited by Serenes; 12-04-2010 at 10:57 PM.
    "You may be one person to the world, but to one person you may be the world."

  10. #10
    Giggity Vie's Avatar
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    Do you ever Want to befriend someone, if so, do you ever put in the effort to hang out with them more often or find time to spend with them? Do you often try to invite them out or wait for the other person to ask instead?
    Yes, I often want to be friends with people seconds after meeting them. Something about them makes me want to seek them out as I can see us having an excellent friendship. However, its a bit creepy to say that or act that way so I tend to just act friendly and witty and hope they also wish to be friends.

    Are you usually kind and say things out of politeness instead of what you really think? (like compliments and such)
    I only give compliments if I mean them and I always say what I'm thinking if asked. I rarely lie to make someone feel better, I feel as though that is meaner than telling them the truth so they can fix the problem if there is one.

    If someone were annoying you, would you ever confront them about it? What would you do if you didn't like someone's company and yet they kept trying to talk to you?
    I'd tell them they were annoying me and to go away.

    Do you share personal thoughts often? Would you feel threatened/annoyed if it seemed like someone kept asking about your personal life?
    I can talk about my personal life until I'm blue in the face. Sex and other "private" things do not bother me at all to talk about, in fact I enjoy talking about it. However, talking about how I feel about certain things? No! I react unfavorably and will avoid that person if they continually bring up emotions and such.

    Do you trust your friends easily, how do they gain your trust?
    I trust my close friends with my life. I'm paranoid at times -- but I'm more apt to trust random then people I have known for some time and don't consider close. I get a vibe on if I should trust someone or not, and if I don't trust you right away I probably never will.

    How long does it take for you to open up and feel comfortable around a friend? What kinds of people do you open up to easier or gravitate towards?
    I tend to open up towards the XNFP types and gravitate towards them. They may be flaky at times, but they offer the best advice and assistance.

    What do you enjoy most about your friends? What kind of qualities do you like in your friendship?
    I enjoy that they accept me and my eccentricities are never boring. I like that I can trust them and be open with them and they do not judge me and my issues.

    What qualities do you Not like in your friendships? Any deal-breakers?
    Backstabbers. Lack of trust.
    If I can't trust them, or if they frustrate me by being ridiculous, then I have no time for them.

    How do you usually act when you're having a good time? How do you usually act when you're having a bad time?
    I will act like a complete bitch if I'm not having a good time. I will probably leave and have no problems voicing my problem. But when I'm having a good time, it is also very well known.

    If your friends had a totally different view on something that you believed to be important and right, would you think of them differently?
    Yes. I respect their thoughts however, especially if they are close friends. I may get frustrated with them, because I feel as though I am right -- but it's really none of my concern. If it effects me, then I have a problem.

    Do you ever feel like you have certain obligations to your friends and try to fulfill them? Or do you usually do it because you want to?
    Sometimes I do. And I will fulfill them if it makes them happy.
    I want to make them happy.

    In turn, do you usually have any expectations of your friends? What if they don't fulfill them?
    I definitely have expectations for my friends and very high ones. I can get really foul sometimes if they aren't met.

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