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  1. #1
    Senior Member Adasta's Avatar
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    Question INTJs & Making Appointments?

    I have recently realised that one of my best friends is an INTJ. He's pretty must the posterboy for an INTJ, now that I think about it. Anyway, I have a question for all your INTJs:

    Do you find it difficult/undesirable to commit to social appointments several days in advance of the party/meet-up/event etc.?

    I ask this because this has been one quality of my friend that has consistently irked me for years! He will never agree to something until the very last minute, sometimes even a day before if it's something informal like a party or a night out with other mates.

    Is this a quality of INTJs in general or just my friend? I imagine this personality trait could derive from a need to acquire as much information as possible in order to make an "informed" decision. So, the INTJ would wait until the last possible minute at which s/he must make a choice so that s/he can sift through all of the data in order to decide "What choice would be the most logical and best for me?" This can be frustrating for me (if I am the one organising the event) but also seems to deny any chance of being spontaneous...

    Is this an accurate supposition? Can you shine any more light on this trait, if it be a truly INTJ one?
    That girls are raped, that two boys knife a third,
    Were axioms to him, who'd never heard
    Of any world where promises were kept,
    Or one could weep because another wept.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Do you find it difficult/undesirable to commit to social appointments several days in advance of the party/meet-up/event etc.?
    Yes. I almost always know right off whether or not I am going to attend the respective event, but often the answer would be 'no'; so to avoid a discussion that will not change my position anyway, I remain silent until it is too late for an argument. It is also possible, when the pros and cons of attending balance each other, that I withhold a public decision to see what my mood is like at the time of the event. Another reason may be that I dislike to be part of other people's plans: it restricts my freedom.

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    Yes, especially if you want to avoid the whole bullshit around 'trying to rearrange it to fit you in'.

  4. #4
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Similar with me.

    I know sometimes, I just don't want to commit because something better might come along LOL, and I'd rather give you my answer closer to the date, than say 'yes' now and have to break it later. I feel it's better to say 'no' now and then change it to yes later, for some reason. Either way I know I'll piss somebody off lol.

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    Senior Member Adasta's Avatar
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    This pretty much corroborates what I thought

    What I tend to do now is, if I ask him about something and he sounds hesitant, I ask what his "provisional" answer is.

    For example, if I say "Do you want to go to this gig?" he might um-and-ah about it. If he does this, I say something like "Are you interested in going or are you just not up for it?" This usually elicits a response: either "Yeah, definitely" or "No, I don't think so because...". I can then work from there; if he does want to go, it's obvious that he's just biding his time, or waiting for a response from other people to see if he is more beholden to them for whatever reason (e.g. family events, or going out with his girlfriend).

    The problem with this behaviour is that it can make it really difficult for the person arranging things! What I do now is often concoct a slightly false date/time at which he must make a decision, therefore allowing myself a contingency to deal with the fall-out should he not attend. The outcome is usually the same since, as you say, I have a strong feeling that his decision is already made; however, I get the benefit of a bit of time to find others to go instead!
    That girls are raped, that two boys knife a third,
    Were axioms to him, who'd never heard
    Of any world where promises were kept,
    Or one could weep because another wept.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    Similar with me.

    I know sometimes, I just don't want to commit because something better might come along LOL, and I'd rather give you my answer closer to the date, than say 'yes' now and have to break it later. I feel it's better to say 'no' now and then change it to yes later, for some reason. Either way I know I'll piss somebody off lol.
    I am an NT of some sort.
    Some friends of mine have this behaviour too. I HATE it with passion.
    If I organize something (a movie, a dinner), I want to know if you are in or out NOW. If you don't like it, you say NO, no problem. If you like it you say YES and if you cannot be present for an hitch or urgent need or something particular, no problem.
    But if your habit is to not give me an answer because you wait for something better come along, or you say YES and then you say NO because others friends give you better options, I get very upset, because:
    1. you don't mantain the given word and you have no respect, and I value respect a lot.
    2. I am not your friend only when you have not better things to do, because being a "dog companion" it's not part of me.
    3."Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" is a good quote. So, if you persist in your behaviour I'll let you know why I'll call you less and less.
    4. I have very low patience and I don't like indecisive "last minute" people, because it gets difficult arranging things, as Adasta says above.

  7. #7
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malcontent View Post
    I am an NT of some sort.
    Some friends of mine have this behaviour too. I HATE it with passion.
    If I organize something (a movie, a dinner), I want to know if you are in or out NOW. If you don't like it, you say NO, no problem. If you like it you say YES and if you cannot be present for an hitch or urgent need or something particular, no problem.
    But if your habit is to not give me an answer because you wait for something better come along, or you say YES and then you say NO because others friends give you better options, I get very upset, because:
    1. you don't mantain the given word and you have no respect, and I value respect a lot.
    2. I am not your friend only when you have not better things to do, because being a "dog companion" it's not part of me.
    3."Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" is a good quote. So, if you persist in your behaviour I'll let you know why I'll call you less and less.
    4. I have very low patience and I don't like indecisive "last minute" people, because it gets difficult arranging things, as Adasta says above.
    Well If you're a good friend that changes things. In cases of where you're not, and I have a choice, this is when these feelings come into play.

    Also, I know that sometimes my current answer reflects my current state. If I'm in one of those 'I don't want to be bothered moods', my judgement points to 'NO'. Recognizing that, I have to remind myself that the event comes at a later date, so chill. Then I'll say yes.

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    Default Well....

    While I can make appointments days in advance, there is something to be said for what is the appointment as some things tend to be a bit higher on my hierarchy of things that I won't pass compared to other things. For example, I have a few Meetup groups that have regular meetings where I know when most of these are and am fine with how that is structured. At the same time, if a friend wanted to just hang out that may be a lot lower on my list than a group discussion on some topic that I enjoy discussing for hours at a time. Don't forget that an INTJ wants to make the decision once and leave it locked in stone and not seem wishy-washy on the event. This is a way to make it unlikely to make a bad choice which if a decision is made too early, it may be not be a good choice. Perfectionists can really be good about not having to decide something until it has to be done which can be seen in a way like a Perceiving trait rather than a Judging trait as I'd think the Judging is to decide early and leave it alone.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post

    Do you find it difficult/undesirable to commit to social appointments several days in advance of the party/meet-up/event etc.?

    I ask this because this has been one quality of my friend that has consistently irked me for years! He will never agree to something until the very last minute, sometimes even a day before if it's something informal like a party or a night out with other mates.

    Is this a quality of INTJs in general or just my friend? I imagine this personality trait could derive from a need to acquire as much information as possible in order to make an "informed" decision. So, the INTJ would wait until the last possible minute at which s/he must make a choice so that s/he can sift through all of the data in order to decide "What choice would be the most logical and best for me?" This can be frustrating for me (if I am the one organising the event) but also seems to deny any chance of being spontaneous...

    Is this an accurate supposition? Can you shine any more light on this trait, if it be a truly INTJ one?
    I don't do this, it seems a little rude to keep people hanging and I'm pretty easy-going when it comes to these things..."logical best" and such doesn't really dominate my life that much. You never know how a night is going to progress...

    When I do say no I expect people to respect that and so far I haven't really had that much issues with that approach...sometimes their input changes my mind, sometimes it doesn't...what you describe sounds like a pretty defensive mechanism.

  10. #10
    Honor Thy Inferior Such Irony's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    I have recently realised that one of my best friends is an INTJ. He's pretty must the posterboy for an INTJ, now that I think about it. Anyway, I have a question for all your INTJs:

    Do you find it difficult/undesirable to commit to social appointments several days in advance of the party/meet-up/event etc.?

    I ask this because this has been one quality of my friend that has consistently irked me for years! He will never agree to something until the very last minute, sometimes even a day before if it's something informal like a party or a night out with other mates.

    Is this a quality of INTJs in general or just my friend? I imagine this personality trait could derive from a need to acquire as much information as possible in order to make an "informed" decision. So, the INTJ would wait until the last possible minute at which s/he must make a choice so that s/he can sift through all of the data in order to decide "What choice would be the most logical and best for me?" This can be frustrating for me (if I am the one organising the event) but also seems to deny any chance of being spontaneous...

    Is this an accurate supposition? Can you shine any more light on this trait, if it be a truly INTJ one?

    It depends on what the activity is and whom its with. I will sometimes engage in this behavior. If its an activity that's only for a limited time like a play in a theatre, I'll generally make plans and stick to it but if its something I could do just about anytime, such as just hanging out with someone, I'm much more prone to put off committing to anything. Often its the case of "How do I know that I'll still be in the mood for that a few days from now?
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