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  1. #11
    Listening Oaky's Avatar
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    If I would not intend to go I would make it a clear 'no'.
    If I would intend to go I would give a 'perhaps'. I would not allow them to take me as someone who would go for granted for if something more important had appeared I would be able to easily give the 'I cannot go'.

  2. #12
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Do you find it difficult/undesirable to commit to social appointments several days in advance of the party/meet-up/event etc.?
    Not at all, in fact, quite the opposite. I agree with Malcontent for the most part. I keep my commitments, and expect others to do the same. I try to keep enough flexibility in my schedule to accommodate things that come up at the last minute, but prefer to have some advance notice, even (sometimes especially) for social events. I will happily commit well in advance to an event I would like to attend. If I have no interest in it, I will say so when asked. If I genuinely can't commit due to a specific uncertainty (might need to go out of town for work), I will explain the constraint and ask to defer the decision. Once I have made a commitment, I will follow through barring illness or other emergency. It is distressing to me that this sort of behavior seems to have become the exception rather than the rule.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uytuun View Post
    I don't do this, it seems a little rude to keep people hanging and I'm pretty easy-going when it comes to these things..."logical best" and such doesn't really dominate my life that much. You never know how a night is going to progress...

    When I do say no I expect people to respect that and so far I haven't really had that much issues with that approach...sometimes their input changes my mind, sometimes it doesn't...what you describe sounds like a pretty defensive mechanism.
    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Not at all, in fact, quite the opposite. I agree with Malcontent for the most part. I keep my commitments, and expect others to do the same. I try to keep enough flexibility in my schedule to accommodate things that come up at the last minute, but prefer to have some advance notice, even (sometimes especially) for social events. I will happily commit well in advance to an event I would like to attend. If I have no interest in it, I will say so when asked. If I genuinely can't commit due to a specific uncertainty (might need to go out of town for work), I will explain the constraint and ask to defer the decision. Once I have made a commitment, I will follow through barring illness or other emergency. It is distressing to me that this sort of behavior seems to have become the exception rather than the rule.
    You are both girls, right?

    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    It is also possible, when the pros and cons of attending balance each other, that I withhold a public decision to see what my mood is like at the time of the event.
    Quote Originally Posted by SuchIrony View Post
    Often its the case of "How do I know that I'll still be in the mood for that a few days from now?
    This.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    Another reason may be that I dislike to be part of other people's plans: it restricts my freedom.
    And this.

    The two are actually related.

    I like to have the freedom to follow my mood, and if my mood at a later time might say, "fuck no, I don't feel like going to this event I committed to last week anymore," then why would I commit to that event in the first place? That's just rude.

    Instead, I give varying levels of response that give an indication of how certain I am I will show up (based on how interested I am in the particular activity and what I expect my mood to potentially be like at the time of the event [based on work schedule, other events, et al]), but which doesn't lock me into anything, or force me to feel that I would break my word if I weren't to come.

    And don't expect to get anything else out of me: I'm known for being highly skilled at creating new and loquacious forms of saying "maybe".

    If the event is deemed extremely important, however (like a family tradition, wedding of a good friend, or what not), then I will generally commit with no problem.

    It all depends on whether I deem the event of enough importance that I should restrict my future freedom to do as I wish at that time.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Adasta's Avatar
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    So, from what I can gather, there is a very definite strata of importance inherent in social activities.

    Events which are deemed significant are also deemed worthy of advanced commitment. So events which occur rarely or are otherwise special are the highest priority, either because there is an essence of obligation (e.g. a wedding) or a greater sense of surety that one will have a good time (e.g. visiting a good friend in a nearby city). However, more social plans (e.g. do you want to go to the pub/the cinema/etc. this weekend?) have less importance and are therefore subject to a type of delayed deference, whereby it's no big deal if you make the decision to go on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday.

    From what I know/can remember of my friend, once committed to something, he rarely backs out at the last minute. The difficulty is getting him to agree in good time. As I said, the main frustration with this is that the organiser never has a solid idea of the number of people attending the event.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis
    Once I have made a commitment, I will follow through barring illness or other emergency. It is distressing to me that this sort of behavior seems to have become the exception rather than the rule.
    I agree (for what it's worth!).
    That girls are raped, that two boys knife a third,
    Were axioms to him, who'd never heard
    Of any world where promises were kept,
    Or one could weep because another wept.

  5. #15
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    This is the whole 5w4 thing: the outside world is trying to steal my time and energy but my time and energy are needed for my projects and the becoming of my knowledge! This is my essence!

    If you want an INTJ to join in some activity, you have to start feeding him information. The more information available, the more ability to choose, the less the commitment counts as a sacrifice.
    Bellison uncorked a flood of horrible profanity, which, translated, meant, "This is extremely unusual."

    Boy meets Grr

  6. #16
    Senior Member Adasta's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalach View Post
    This is the whole 5w4 thing: the outside world is trying to steal my time and energy but my time and energy are needed for my projects and the becoming of my knowledge! This is my essence!

    If you want an INTJ to join in some activity, you have to start feeding him information. The more information available, the more ability to choose, the less the commitment counts as a sacrifice.
    Yeah he's also a 5w4. I'm a 4w5, which is probably where we have massive crossovers as friends and as people who enjoy similar topics. However, with philosophy, for example, he cares more for the process of discovering, whereas I care more for the object.
    That girls are raped, that two boys knife a third,
    Were axioms to him, who'd never heard
    Of any world where promises were kept,
    Or one could weep because another wept.

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalach View Post
    This is the whole 5w4 thing: the outside world is trying to steal my time and energy but my time and energy are needed for my projects and the becoming of my knowledge! This is my essence!
    Hmmm...

    Well, I'm not sure my enneagram, but, thus far, 5w4 has not been strong in the running; I do something similar, based on my desire for freedom (to make the most utility-maximizing choice at the last minute).

    Quote Originally Posted by Kalach View Post
    If you want an INTJ to join in some activity, you have to start feeding him information. The more information available, the more ability to choose, the less the commitment counts as a sacrifice.
    Very much agreed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    So, from what I can gather, there is a very definite strata of importance inherent in social activities.

    Events which are deemed significant are also deemed worthy of advanced commitment. So events which occur rarely or are otherwise special are the highest priority, either because there is an essence of obligation (e.g. a wedding) or a greater sense of surety that one will have a good time (e.g. visiting a good friend in a nearby city). However, more social plans (e.g. do you want to go to the pub/the cinema/etc. this weekend?) have less importance and are therefore subject to a type of delayed deference, whereby it's no big deal if you make the decision to go on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday.
    Exactly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    From what I know/can remember of my friend, once committed to something, he rarely backs out at the last minute. The difficulty is getting him to agree in good time. As I said, the main frustration with this is that the organiser never has a solid idea of the number of people attending the event.
    Yeah, that's just how we (I) roll...

    It's kinda: well, take me or leave me...

    Obviously, if you leave us, then we really won't care...

    (You weren't willing to accept us for who we are...)

  8. #18
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Actually I prefer to know it in advance. Also I demand to know exactly where , who , what ....... etc. facts before I make a choice. So if I don't like the event I will kill the chance that I will be there in its root. So if I said I will come I will be there unless something really really important happens: death of a family member , another 9/11 or something like that.
    However if people insist and I don't want to come I will pretend that I will come to their "let's hang out togather" while in fact I never had any intention for showing up. I did this a few time in my life but only when I was trully uninterested and thay gave my the offer only a few hours in advance.


    Actually many people consider me rude (in my part of the word) since I prefer to have things clear while many people perfer things to be "flexibile".

  9. #19
    Senior Member Adasta's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    Actually many people consider me rude (in my part of the word) since I prefer to have things clear while many people perfer things to be "flexibile".
    Are you form Southern Europe?
    That girls are raped, that two boys knife a third,
    Were axioms to him, who'd never heard
    Of any world where promises were kept,
    Or one could weep because another wept.

  10. #20
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Are you form Southern Europe?
    Eastern Europe would be more correct.

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