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  1. #1
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Default Trouble Communicating

    My ex is an ESFJ. We still have some issues to hash out, settle, and so on.

    One huge problem I am having is communicating with him. When there is a problem, issue, or whatever, the first thing I want to do is examine it. I often ask questions and I desire feedback so that it can take shape--I need that mental construct in order to understand. It's like using echolacationOnce I reach an understanding, I can solve the problem (well...most of the time).

    He hates it. He says it irritates him, that he can't understand why I keep asking so many questions (I'm trying to understand something...what's wrong with that?), and why can't he just tell me how he feels or why do I need so much feedback. I don't try to solve something he may have shared with me, but I do ask questions to get a clearer picture of what he is saying.

    It's getting to the point where I don't really want to talk to him because our conversations get derailed by his irritation or anger. I know part of this is my fault; I don't want to quit at something until I fully understand it...just feel driven to do so. So...I probably need to drop it even if I don't understand. But I'm afraid if I don't fully understand something, I'll make a mistake(s).

    Anyone else run into this kind of problem or something similar? What do you do about it?

  2. #2
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    There was something just like this on personalitycafe.

    Quote Originally Posted by INFJ Subforum
    - Don't be afraid to tell the INFJ to slow down making conclusions. Tell them that if they want to understand their friends better, then it makes sense to listen first and make conclusions later.

    - If they try to psychoanalyze you just plainly tell them that this makes you feel hurt and devalued. Hopefully their Fe picks up on it. INFJs don't like upsetting other people but we don't always pick up on it. Repeat when necessary so that INFJ understands that it is not good to psychoanalyze people unless they ask for it (or unless they are on psychology forums xD) More introverted INFJs like myself will slip into this analysis more often not realizing that it makes other people feel uncomfortable. So just tell them about it.

    - Explain to the INFJ that when you are telling him or her about your problems that you are really just looking for sympathy rather than analysis. Analysis is our way of trying to help you, but I know from my interaction with Fi types that they sometimes just need a kind or encouraging word, not an explanation of their problems.

    - Switch subject from yourself and your problems talk about something else. Bring up some sort of deep topic that INFJ can then run around with analyzing - social issues, politics, religion, educational system, philosophy, stuff like that. Ask INFJ what the INFJ thinks about these issues and let them apply their Ni and Ti there.

  3. #3
    Giggity Vie's Avatar
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    I'm very much like what you described -- I must know why someone is reacting the way they are so that way I can fix the problem. I often get told by my entp SO that I ask him too many questions and act like a lawyer when speaking to him. He used to get entirely too frustrated and annoyed with me because he thought I was trying to prolong the fight -- just to keep it going by asking questions.

    I finally had to sit him down and explain to him that I'm not aware when I'm being too....in his face with the questions, because to me everyone should be that inquistative about things they don't understand. I want to know why or what has happened, and I want to know right away. He has worked on being more understanding about my compulsive need to question and I've gotten better about being so abrasive about it. It has worked for us and we are now able to talk about our feelings without a giant wall of tension.

  4. #4
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    did you tell him why you ask so many questions when he asked?
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  5. #5
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Yes, I told him. He doesn't understand why I need to understand.

    And to clarify, I do this whether I am in "problem-solving" mode or not. I realize that many people are not looking for a solution. However, I will still ask questions when I don't understand something.

    Vieamemusique, I have been told the same thing about acting like a lawyer. Or being confrontational.

    I don't think I'm being confrontational or abrasive with it but I could see giving off a interesting-science-experiment vibe. I've tried to explain that I'm genuinely curious and I want to understand what's going on. Asking questions seems the best way to do it.

  6. #6
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    if he didnt understand, then you need to find another way to explain it and keep finding new ways until he understands it. how exactly did you explain it to him? did you try to explain it to him while you were in the middle of a fight/argument? did you try to explain it to him kinda thru some other issue or did you isolate this having to understand issue from other crap and explain it in more objective matter and told him how this not understanding the issue at hand makes you feel etc?
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

    Read

  7. #7
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    <<how exactly did you explain it to him?>>

    After being yelled at for asking questions, I said, "I'm sorry. I'm asking questions because I'm trying to get a better understanding of what you're telling me."

    <<did you try to explain it to him while you were in the middle of a fight/argument?>>
    Yes but I have explained it during moments of calmness.

    <<did you try to explain it to him kinda thru some other issue or did you isolate this having to understand issue from other crap and explain it in more objective matter and told him how this not understanding the issue at hand makes you feel etc?>>

    Both.

    I don't know why I'm trying. He is emotionally immature and highly reactive to many things.

    He will apologize (sometimes)...he says it is upsetting because well, he just doesn't like it. I asked him what would like me to do so that I understand things better. He doesn't know, then will point out it's just him and he needs to understand what I'm doing. It's fine until the next time, rinse, wash, repeat.

    *sigh*

    I think I just need to stop trying. But I wanted to check with y'all to make sure I wasn't missing anything.

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