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  1. #1
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    Default INTP growing more cynical, losing more friends

    I'm an INTP..

    And lately, I'm losing more trust in "friends".

    I've been lessening myself to making any or even keeping the ones I have close.


    Is this an INTP curse? I'm feeling like crap right now.

    I lost a friend that I trusted, and now I can't seem to get over that. I had been so into him for years. Then now he shot through my heart and now I'm completely shut down. He decided not to be my friend anymore because he made up some excuse for him not to trust me. My quirky spirit has now gone. The only guy who made me FEEL. Made me think LESS. He decided to unfriend me. Now I'm lost.


    Now I'm frightened a bit of entering or making new relationships. I also have a bit of social anxiety, and I tend to isolate myself from people when I feel that I'm too 'smothered'. I need my space... and when it happens, they try to 'help' which what I wasn't asking for, which forces me try to avoid them completely. Then I lose 1 more friend.


    So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and unstrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..



    My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.

    Ay ay ay

  2. #2
    Lallygag Moderator Geoff's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by intpgirl View Post
    I'm an INTP..

    And lately, I'm losing more trust in "friends".

    I've been lessening myself to making any or even keeping the ones I have close.


    Is this an INTP curse? I'm feeling like crap right now.

    I lost a friend that I trusted, and now I can't seem to get over that. I had been so into him for years. Then now he shot through my heart and now I'm completely shut down. He decided not to be my friend anymore because he made up some excuse for him not to trust me. My quirky spirit has now gone. The only guy who made me FEEL. Made me think LESS. He decided to unfriend me. Now I'm lost.


    Now I'm frightened a bit of entering or making new relationships. I also have a bit of social anxiety, and I tend to isolate myself from people when I feel that I'm too 'smothered'. I need my space... and when it happens, they try to 'help' which what I wasn't asking for, which forces me try to avoid them completely. Then I lose 1 more friend.


    So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and unstrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..



    My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.


    I am afraid that this sort of difficulty with interpersonal relationships is quite an INTP hallmark.. not the best at understanding their own feelings or those of others.

    Can I suggest that with this sort of distress from a failed friendship, some head space is probably important. Take some time to yourself.. go for a long walk on a beach if you are anything like me.. then grit your teeth and approach the next new friendship with a smile.

    After all you have to risk yourself at least a little to get the friends you need.. and for an INTP it isn't an easy thing to achieve. Don't however lose sight of the fact that you'll be an interesting and engaging friend to those who appreciate your rather unusual talents. INTP girls are not exactly common!

  3. #3
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by intpgirl View Post

    So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and unstrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..

    My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.

    Perhaps not, but in my experience that's how it often does work in the long run. The best thing I've found you can do is to never invest yourself too far into something, or pin all your hopes on it. Try to enjoy friendships while you have them, and then when they end, know that you'll have others. Also, try not to attach your self-worth to your ability to make and keep friends. There are other things to measure yourself by, after all. Achieving various personal goals, for instance...

    INTP's seem to be the worst off type in the world. That inferior Fe always keeps them partially tangled in a social world they're painfully aware they don't belong in. Almost like they're "stuck" in the mode an ESFJ goes into if they have to move suddenly or suffer some kind of humilation...

    How exactly does an INTP get more cynical? I thought INTP's already had the maximum amount of cynicism.

  4. #4
    Member Camelopardalis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by intpgirl View Post
    I'm an INTP..

    And lately, I'm losing more trust in "friends".

    I've been lessening myself to making any or even keeping the ones I have close.


    Is this an INTP curse? I'm feeling like crap right now.

    I lost a friend that I trusted, and now I can't seem to get over that. I had been so into him for years. Then now he shot through my heart and now I'm completely shut down. He decided not to be my friend anymore because he made up some excuse for him not to trust me. My quirky spirit has now gone. The only guy who made me FEEL. Made me think LESS. He decided to unfriend me. Now I'm lost.


    Now I'm frightened a bit of entering or making new relationships. I also have a bit of social anxiety, and I tend to isolate myself from people when I feel that I'm too 'smothered'. I need my space... and when it happens, they try to 'help' which what I wasn't asking for, which forces me try to avoid them completely. Then I lose 1 more friend.


    So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and unstrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..



    My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.

    INTP's are not the only ones with this kind of problem. I remember losing my best friend of seven years. We visit each other every year ever since she left for another school in fifth grade, and on my third visit, surely, I've begun to notice that we just don't have that much to talk about anymore. In fact, far from it. We would ask close ended questions and get simple answers such as 'yes' or 'no'. It pained me a great deal to admit to myself that we just aren't best friends anymore.

    My advice to you is to make more friends and never put all your eggs in one basket. You can love your best friends, but never be without other friends. If your best friends for any reason, stop being friends, they are the ones who will be there for you. I had the same dilemma after my friend left our school. We were just so 'into' each other we were like sisters. Even though we sometimes fight, we had no time for anyone else in our lives. Eventually, I found myself alone, but I made new friends all the same; I had to. Last year, I was close- even best friends with this girl, but this year, we just don't have the same classes anymore and I'm well... Not the type to go out of my way to track her down (and High School isn't small). We hardly talk anymore, and now it's awkward between us knowing that we once shared a great friendship. Losing her wasn't fun, but I had to get over it. What you should do right now is to let go. I know this is easier said than done; in fact, I feel like a hypocrite saying this, but it works. It will be painful at first, but know that those whom you've called friends always leave something valuable in your life.

    Don't lose your confidence in people. Especially now. It could hurt your chances at getting new friends. I do this by greeting those who I talk to when I see them and make small-talks. Eventually, most of them turn into something much more meaningful and before I know it, a new friendship is born. To do this, you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable again, and be willing to go out of your way to give them a chance. I find that I have much more success in friendship when I reached out voluntarily than if I refuse to take any chances, because I end up enjoying their company much more than I've been hurt. Again, good luck. I'm sure it will not be difficult to meet new people.
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  5. #5
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by intpgirl View Post
    I lost a friend that I trusted, and now I can't seem to get over that. I had been so into him for years. Then now he shot through my heart and now I'm completely shut down. He decided not to be my friend anymore because he made up some excuse for him not to trust me. My quirky spirit has now gone. The only guy who made me FEEL. Made me think LESS. He decided to unfriend me. Now I'm lost.
    Sigh. I so much understand what you are saying... The loss of him leaves a devastating hole, because you thought he believed in you.

    But you're not lost, dear. Not at least in the sense you lose everything he gave you. What he gave you, you have for as long as you want it: Your knowledge of what it feels like to feel and how important it is to you; Your lessening dependence on rationalizing everything.

    Right now, you did lose him. But you are still you, and you have the gifts he so graciously gave you over the years. He can't take them back unless you let him.

    Now I'm frightened a bit of entering or making new relationships. I also have a bit of social anxiety, and I tend to isolate myself from people when I feel that I'm too 'smothered'. I need my space... and when it happens, they try to 'help' which what I wasn't asking for, which forces me try to avoid them completely. Then I lose 1 more friend.
    Yes, that is the typical pattern. Which comes because you're still trying to do everything yourself. (And it is such the natural instinct, isn't it?)

    Relationships come with caveats. One is that you have to communicate what you are feeling; another is that you need to know what you need, so you can communicate that to the other person. Only if they are unwilling to comply with your boundaries or respect you is it a positive thing to withdraw as the solution. But people who love you will do their best, even if they don't get it.

    So specifically (and this might not address all the specifics, I am just working with you shared), if you need space, you need to say "I need space" rather than giving little subtle hints or trying to sort of avoid people and hoping they don't come after you. You can also tell them it's nothing personal, but while you care about them, you are just someone who needs a lot of alone time. You could even set time up front to be with them later.

    But you need to be clear about what you need. Which means you need to have confidence in what you are feeling inside, so you can then feel free to ask for that space. Your avoidance strategy occurs because you aren't totally sure you need the space (although you think you do), and uncertainty about how to approach the conversation just makes it easier to avoid it all if possible.

    So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and untrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..
    I know. It's just not right. I wish it didn't happen.

    You just have to be careful it does not undermine your hope for the future. This man is not all future men you will meet. Some friends will stick by you. You are shaken now, because you see it's not 100% certain, that your perception (the sight you used to tell yourself you could trust him) can fail you. So everything looks shaky to you. What can you trust?

    Well, you're smart. And giving. And loyal to the people you love. This bad event doesn't change any of that, nor does it change the fact that to find what you want, you have to trust people and trust your judgment again. And occasionally you might still be wrong. It hurts. Let it hurt. Then keep going.

    This gives you the best return on your life. It creates the maximum chance for you to find real relationships. Letting yourself give up or drop into cynicism only lowers/kills your chances.

    My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.
    I know, that is the part that stinks, isn't it? That you paid a cost they'll never realize, and you are left alone holding the pain.

    But it's who you are. You can work on communication, but this (the loyalty, high regard for others, perseverance, giving yourself completely) is the sort of thing you personally give to your relationships. Those are wonderful gifts to give. You just have to accept sometimes you will get hurt... and it's okay and doesn't mean you should stop being who you are.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  6. #6
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    In my opinion, it's an INTP blessing to place little importance on finding and keeping friends. I never actively look for friends, and I certainly don't do my part in keeping them.. I can't even fathom doing paired activity, really. It must be nice to have someone to do all the things I like to do with me, but that is so selfish. I'm not very good at compromise. Oh you're going _____? I'm stayin here. Drop me off. See ya later. The only true friend I have is the daughter in a family that has been good friends with my family for a couple decades. We don't have a deep cerebral connection (she's an ESTJ.. she's an incredible thinker, but she isn't intuitive.. not really the kind of person to sit around pondering and wondering) but her door has always been open to me, and she has never wronged me. Or maybe she has, but hey, twenty years and we're still closer than ever. I only see her but once or twice a year. Other than that, I don't have any friends. I have zero desire to spend any time with other people. It definitely runs in my family to be an independent thinker. I guess other INTPs might have this worry, but I certainly don't. Maybe you haven't experienced enough let-down? I don't even have hopes for friendships, but it's the romantic in me that has a little glimmer of hope for relationships. Forget this guy.. if he can't appreciate you for what you are, he's too stuck in his own problems to be a good friend anyway.

  7. #7
    you are right mippus's Avatar
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    Intpgirl,
    we have very high standards for friendship and as a result I can say for myself that I have about 2 friends.
    Losing a friend thus is a horrible thing. I understand what you say. I have no answers. Just sympathy.
    Vanitas vanitatum omnia vanitas

  8. #8
    Don't pet me. JAVO's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about you losing a friend like that. :sad:

    When you're ready to try to make new friends, I suggest taking somewhat of an extravert approach. Instead of focusing one new friend, make several. If the friendships aren't as deep and you have many friends, losing one doesn't have as much impact. You can later work on building a deeper friendship if someone stands out as a potential good friend.

    Even if this approach doesn't actually help any, I'm sure you'll learn much about yourself and others from giving it a go as an experiment. I did anyway.

  9. #9
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JAVO View Post
    When you're ready to try to make new friends, I suggest taking somewhat of an extravert approach. Instead of focusing one new friend, make several. If the friendships aren't as deep and you have many friends, losing one doesn't have as much impact. You can later work on building a deeper friendship if someone stands out as a potential good friend.
    Good advice, especially if the several new friends you make are (or become) friends with each other.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Urchin's Avatar
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    Based on type theory, I would say yes, these sorts of patterns of isolation are common among INTPs. In my own experience, I have found that I need a lot of space. I'm a neglectful friend because I find constant contact tiring and substanceless. I see friends face-to-face about once every two weeks, and that's enough for me. Sometimes I don't even want to do that, but I usually force myself to do so anyway because my solitary tendencies can get out of control to the point that I stop getting things done that I should do. Basically, find friends who understand that your distance is not a sign that you dislike them. I find that having other INTx, or even INxx friends helps a lot. At least enough in your social circle to bridge the gap between you and the extraverts. Having a not-too-overbearing E to drag you out when you're feeling anxious helps once in a while as well.

    Don't fight your personality. Learn how to use it to make you happy.
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