[INTP] INTP growing more cynical, losing more friends

[intpgirl]

I'm an INTP..

And lately, I'm losing more trust in "friends".

I've been lessening myself to making any or even keeping the ones I have close.


Is this an INTP curse? I'm feeling like crap right now.

I lost a friend that I trusted, and now I can't seem to get over that. I had been so into him for years. Then now he shot through my heart and now I'm completely shut down. He decided not to be my friend anymore because he made up some excuse for him not to trust me. My quirky spirit has now gone. The only guy who made me FEEL. Made me think LESS. He decided to unfriend me. Now I'm lost.


Now I'm frightened a bit of entering or making new relationships. I also have a bit of social anxiety, and I tend to isolate myself from people when I feel that I'm too 'smothered'. I need my space... and when it happens, they try to 'help' which what I wasn't asking for, which forces me try to avoid them completely. Then I lose 1 more friend.


So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and unstrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..



My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.

 

[Geoff]

I'm an INTP..

And lately, I'm losing more trust in "friends".

I've been lessening myself to making any or even keeping the ones I have close.


Is this an INTP curse? I'm feeling like crap right now.

I lost a friend that I trusted, and now I can't seem to get over that. I had been so into him for years. Then now he shot through my heart and now I'm completely shut down. He decided not to be my friend anymore because he made up some excuse for him not to trust me. My quirky spirit has now gone. The only guy who made me FEEL. Made me think LESS. He decided to unfriend me. Now I'm lost.


Now I'm frightened a bit of entering or making new relationships. I also have a bit of social anxiety, and I tend to isolate myself from people when I feel that I'm too 'smothered'. I need my space... and when it happens, they try to 'help' which what I wasn't asking for, which forces me try to avoid them completely. Then I lose 1 more friend.


So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and unstrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..



My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.

I am afraid that this sort of difficulty with interpersonal relationships is quite an INTP hallmark.. not the best at understanding their own feelings or those of others.

Can I suggest that with this sort of distress from a failed friendship, some head space is probably important. Take some time to yourself.. go for a long walk on a beach if you are anything like me.. then grit your teeth and approach the next new friendship with a smile.

After all you have to risk yourself at least a little to get the friends you need.. and for an INTP it isn't an easy thing to achieve. Don't however lose sight of the fact that you'll be an interesting and engaging friend to those who appreciate your rather unusual talents. INTP girls are not exactly common!

 

[Athenian200]

So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and unstrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..

My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.

Perhaps not, but in my experience that's how it often does work in the long run. The best thing I've found you can do is to never invest yourself too far into something, or pin all your hopes on it. Try to enjoy friendships while you have them, and then when they end, know that you'll have others. Also, try not to attach your self-worth to your ability to make and keep friends. There are other things to measure yourself by, after all. Achieving various personal goals, for instance...

INTP's seem to be the worst off type in the world. That inferior Fe always keeps them partially tangled in a social world they're painfully aware they don't belong in. Almost like they're "stuck" in the mode an ESFJ goes into if they have to move suddenly or suffer some kind of humilation...

How exactly does an INTP get more cynical? I thought INTP's already had the maximum amount of cynicism.

 

[Camelopardalis]

I'm an INTP..

And lately, I'm losing more trust in "friends".

I've been lessening myself to making any or even keeping the ones I have close.


Is this an INTP curse? I'm feeling like crap right now.

I lost a friend that I trusted, and now I can't seem to get over that. I had been so into him for years. Then now he shot through my heart and now I'm completely shut down. He decided not to be my friend anymore because he made up some excuse for him not to trust me. My quirky spirit has now gone. The only guy who made me FEEL. Made me think LESS. He decided to unfriend me. Now I'm lost.


Now I'm frightened a bit of entering or making new relationships. I also have a bit of social anxiety, and I tend to isolate myself from people when I feel that I'm too 'smothered'. I need my space... and when it happens, they try to 'help' which what I wasn't asking for, which forces me try to avoid them completely. Then I lose 1 more friend.


So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and unstrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..



My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.

INTP's are not the only ones with this kind of problem. I remember losing my best friend of seven years. We visit each other every year ever since she left for another school in fifth grade, and on my third visit, surely, I've begun to notice that we just don't have that much to talk about anymore. In fact, far from it. We would ask close ended questions and get simple answers such as 'yes' or 'no'. It pained me a great deal to admit to myself that we just aren't best friends anymore.

My advice to you is to make more friends and never put all your eggs in one basket. You can love your best friends, but never be without other friends. If your best friends for any reason, stop being friends, they are the ones who will be there for you. I had the same dilemma after my friend left our school. We were just so 'into' each other we were like sisters. Even though we sometimes fight, we had no time for anyone else in our lives. Eventually, I found myself alone, but I made new friends all the same; I had to. Last year, I was close- even best friends with this girl, but this year, we just don't have the same classes anymore and I'm well... Not the type to go out of my way to track her down (and High School isn't small). We hardly talk anymore, and now it's awkward between us knowing that we once shared a great friendship. Losing her wasn't fun, but I had to get over it. What you should do right now is to let go. I know this is easier said than done; in fact, I feel like a hypocrite saying this, but it works. It will be painful at first, but know that those whom you've called friends always leave something valuable in your life.

Don't lose your confidence in people. Especially now. It could hurt your chances at getting new friends. I do this by greeting those who I talk to when I see them and make small-talks. Eventually, most of them turn into something much more meaningful and before I know it, a new friendship is born. To do this, you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable again, and be willing to go out of your way to give them a chance. I find that I have much more success in friendship when I reached out voluntarily than if I refuse to take any chances, because I end up enjoying their company much more than I've been hurt. Again, good luck. I'm sure it will not be difficult to meet new people.

 

[Totenkindly]

I lost a friend that I trusted, and now I can't seem to get over that. I had been so into him for years. Then now he shot through my heart and now I'm completely shut down. He decided not to be my friend anymore because he made up some excuse for him not to trust me. My quirky spirit has now gone. The only guy who made me FEEL. Made me think LESS. He decided to unfriend me. Now I'm lost.

Sigh. I so much understand what you are saying... The loss of him leaves a devastating hole, because you thought he believed in you.

But you're not lost, dear. Not at least in the sense you lose everything he gave you. What he gave you, you have for as long as you want it: Your knowledge of what it feels like to feel and how important it is to you; Your lessening dependence on rationalizing everything.

Right now, you did lose him. But you are still you, and you have the gifts he so graciously gave you over the years. He can't take them back unless you let him.

Now I'm frightened a bit of entering or making new relationships. I also have a bit of social anxiety, and I tend to isolate myself from people when I feel that I'm too 'smothered'. I need my space... and when it happens, they try to 'help' which what I wasn't asking for, which forces me try to avoid them completely. Then I lose 1 more friend.

Yes, that is the typical pattern. Which comes because you're still trying to do everything yourself. (And it is such the natural instinct, isn't it?)

Relationships come with caveats. One is that you have to communicate what you are feeling; another is that you need to know what you need, so you can communicate that to the other person. Only if they are unwilling to comply with your boundaries or respect you is it a positive thing to withdraw as the solution. But people who love you will do their best, even if they don't get it.

So specifically (and this might not address all the specifics, I am just working with you shared), if you need space, you need to say "I need space" rather than giving little subtle hints or trying to sort of avoid people and hoping they don't come after you. You can also tell them it's nothing personal, but while you care about them, you are just someone who needs a lot of alone time. You could even set time up front to be with them later.

But you need to be clear about what you need. Which means you need to have confidence in what you are feeling inside, so you can then feel free to ask for that space. Your avoidance strategy occurs because you aren't totally sure you need the space (although you think you do), and uncertainty about how to approach the conversation just makes it easier to avoid it all if possible.

So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and untrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..

I know. It's just not right. I wish it didn't happen.

You just have to be careful it does not undermine your hope for the future. This man is not all future men you will meet. Some friends will stick by you. You are shaken now, because you see it's not 100% certain, that your perception (the sight you used to tell yourself you could trust him) can fail you. So everything looks shaky to you. What can you trust?

Well, you're smart. And giving. And loyal to the people you love. This bad event doesn't change any of that, nor does it change the fact that to find what you want, you have to trust people and trust your judgment again. And occasionally you might still be wrong. It hurts. Let it hurt. Then keep going.

This gives you the best return on your life. It creates the maximum chance for you to find real relationships. Letting yourself give up or drop into cynicism only lowers/kills your chances.

My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.

I know, that is the part that stinks, isn't it? That you paid a cost they'll never realize, and you are left alone holding the pain.

But it's who you are. You can work on communication, but this (the loyalty, high regard for others, perseverance, giving yourself completely) is the sort of thing you personally give to your relationships. Those are wonderful gifts to give. You just have to accept sometimes you will get hurt... and it's okay and doesn't mean you should stop being who you are.

 

[disregard]

In my opinion, it's an INTP blessing to place little importance on finding and keeping friends. I never actively look for friends, and I certainly don't do my part in keeping them.. I can't even fathom doing paired activity, really. It must be nice to have someone to do all the things I like to do with me, but that is so selfish. I'm not very good at compromise. Oh you're going _____? I'm stayin here. Drop me off. See ya later. The only true friend I have is the daughter in a family that has been good friends with my family for a couple decades. We don't have a deep cerebral connection (she's an ESTJ.. she's an incredible thinker, but she isn't intuitive.. not really the kind of person to sit around pondering and wondering) but her door has always been open to me, and she has never wronged me. Or maybe she has, but hey, twenty years and we're still closer than ever. I only see her but once or twice a year. Other than that, I don't have any friends. I have zero desire to spend any time with other people. It definitely runs in my family to be an independent thinker. I guess other INTPs might have this worry, but I certainly don't. Maybe you haven't experienced enough let-down? I don't even have hopes for friendships, but it's the romantic in me that has a little glimmer of hope for relationships. Forget this guy.. if he can't appreciate you for what you are, he's too stuck in his own problems to be a good friend anyway.

 

[mippus]

Intpgirl,
we have very high standards for friendship and as a result I can say for myself that I have about 2 friends.
Losing a friend thus is a horrible thing. I understand what you say. I have no answers. Just sympathy.

 

[JAVO]

Sorry to hear about you losing a friend like that. :sad:

When you're ready to try to make new friends, I suggest taking somewhat of an extravert approach. Instead of focusing one new friend, make several. If the friendships aren't as deep and you have many friends, losing one doesn't have as much impact. You can later work on building a deeper friendship if someone stands out as a potential good friend.

Even if this approach doesn't actually help any, I'm sure you'll learn much about yourself and others from giving it a go as an experiment. I did anyway.

 

[Randomnity]

When you're ready to try to make new friends, I suggest taking somewhat of an extravert approach. Instead of focusing one new friend, make several. If the friendships aren't as deep and you have many friends, losing one doesn't have as much impact. You can later work on building a deeper friendship if someone stands out as a potential good friend.

Good advice, especially if the several new friends you make are (or become) friends with each other.

 

[Urchin]

Based on type theory, I would say yes, these sorts of patterns of isolation are common among INTPs. In my own experience, I have found that I need a lot of space. I'm a neglectful friend because I find constant contact tiring and substanceless. I see friends face-to-face about once every two weeks, and that's enough for me. Sometimes I don't even want to do that, but I usually force myself to do so anyway because my solitary tendencies can get out of control to the point that I stop getting things done that I should do. Basically, find friends who understand that your distance is not a sign that you dislike them. I find that having other INTx, or even INxx friends helps a lot. At least enough in your social circle to bridge the gap between you and the extraverts. Having a not-too-overbearing E to drag you out when you're feeling anxious helps once in a while as well.

Don't fight your personality. Learn how to use it to make you happy.

 

[Mort Belfry]

Buried in every INTP is the seed of truth that you don't ever really need friends.

 

[Urchin]

Buried in every INTP is the seed of truth that you don't ever really need friends.

I was so much happier once I accepted that.

 

[INTJMom]

I'm an INTP..

And lately, I'm losing more trust in "friends".

I've been lessening myself to making any or even keeping the ones I have close.


Is this an INTP curse? I'm feeling like crap right now.

I lost a friend that I trusted, and now I can't seem to get over that. I had been so into him for years. Then now he shot through my heart and now I'm completely shut down. He decided not to be my friend anymore because he made up some excuse for him not to trust me. My quirky spirit has now gone. The only guy who made me FEEL. Made me think LESS. He decided to unfriend me. Now I'm lost.


Now I'm frightened a bit of entering or making new relationships. I also have a bit of social anxiety, and I tend to isolate myself from people when I feel that I'm too 'smothered'. I need my space... and when it happens, they try to 'help' which what I wasn't asking for, which forces me try to avoid them completely. Then I lose 1 more friend.


So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and unstrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..



My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.

I experienced something like this, too, where I felt so betrayed, I didn't think I'd ever be able to trust anyone again.

The good news is that you will go back to being your normal self,
the bad news is it will probably take a while.

I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing.
You're probably experiencing something like grief.
If you go through the grieving process, you should be okay when you are done.

 

[hungrypossum]

Social anxiety? Really? My best friend is INTP and sometimes she looks more socially comfortable than me. She talks to everyone politely, never asking personal questions.

We met in uni. She's beautiful, quiet, and most people think she's "mysterious".

Alot of people think she looks like a ninja or female assasin.

The thing is, she's probably one of the most unbias people I know, I can ask her about anything and she'd give a really objective viewpoint of anything.

One time, I made her reallly, really angry and she got stressed and yelled at me. It surprised me because she seldom shows negative emotions. She's usually happy in her quiet, silent way.

You know what? After staring at her for a while, I told her to calm down...(she did, visibly almost immediately) and then we talked things through.

I have seen her stressed over work, though I was probably the only person who has ever made her angry.

Strangely enough, my INTP friend is less cynical than I am.

I gotta say though, the first time I met her, I thought in my head "Bitch." She told me she had no personal bias towards me the first time she met me. She was the one who had been asking me out politely during our uni days. I hated her guts until one day she talked about her being an INTP and thinking I was too. We argued about it, and at the end of the day found ourselves to be friends.

Perhaps objectivity would be your best tool in making friends. The funny thing about my INTP friend was that, the first few times we met casually, we were very polite with one another and everything went ok. It was when she started talking about the whole "INTP" thing that things changed between us, it was as if she wanted to tell me about herself and then she grew slightly nervous visibly.

 

[chippinchunk]

Sorry to hear about you losing a friend like that. :sad:

When you're ready to try to make new friends, I suggest taking somewhat of an extravert approach. Instead of focusing one new friend, make several.

The extravert approach is nearly impossible for someone who is a total introvert. They'd have such a hard time doing something like that. I think it's best to just act like yourself and see who comes to you.

 

[NTed]

The extravert approach is nearly impossible for someone who is a total introvert. They'd have such a hard time doing something like that. I think it's best to just act like yourself and see who comes to you.

Or it could be easier
Being you don't care about the value of every small connection...

Then just keep the ones you like (care about them later)

 

[elfinchilde]

I'm an INTP..

And lately, I'm losing more trust in "friends".

I've been lessening myself to making any or even keeping the ones I have close.


Is this an INTP curse? I'm feeling like crap right now.

I lost a friend that I trusted, and now I can't seem to get over that. I had been so into him for years. Then now he shot through my heart and now I'm completely shut down. He decided not to be my friend anymore because he made up some excuse for him not to trust me. My quirky spirit has now gone. The only guy who made me FEEL. Made me think LESS. He decided to unfriend me. Now I'm lost.


Now I'm frightened a bit of entering or making new relationships. I also have a bit of social anxiety, and I tend to isolate myself from people when I feel that I'm too 'smothered'. I need my space... and when it happens, they try to 'help' which what I wasn't asking for, which forces me try to avoid them completely. Then I lose 1 more friend.


So what do I do, how can I get friends or keep friends now that I'm more cynical and unstrusting of others.. This is not the way friendship is supposed to work..



My view on friendships: I value true friendships. I put high regards on people. I try to make things work out if it even matters anymore. I take it hard when something doesn't work out, and I try not to look back when all is done. But in the end, if it does not work out, I feel like true crap, which they don't even know about. I end up being alone, like usual again.

it's ok, my dear... perhaps just a bit of sharing from my personal experience? take of it what resonates and helps, alright? and don't worry, you aren't alone in this. after all, if it's a curse, hey, let's do an intps unite and kick-ass it!

but i digress...

intps tend to have very high standards, mostly, of themselves. which is why it makes life difficult for the people around them. that's a fact, unfortunately. but we shouldn't just focus on our own flaws, isn't it? after all, with every negative, there's a positive.

so it's about strengthening what's strong in you, and shoring up the flaws. Don't look without for approval and affirmation. Approval has first to come from within. Once you have that, you will be calmer, and that equips one to deal better with real world relationships, and stuff that happens.

two of the most important things i've learnt, with regards to intp flaws (or perhaps just my own):

1) let it go. --what's past is past. Difficult, and the pain is always there, but. in order to heal, to become better, one has to let go. Keep the lessons, but focus on the healing. Use rationality as your guide. Take nothing personally. Remember that it isn't about a blame game. not about you being crap---you may feel like crap, but please remember that you are NOT crap--it's simply, mismatch of personalities.

2) always give measure for measure. Trouble with being intp is the tendency for an all-or-nothing approach. one loves with an affection that is childlike and almost pure in its intensity. And to give so totally, and find it rebuffed, it hurts like hell.

Well, that's the real world. Ascertain the worth of the other before you give your heart the next time, alright? Measure for measure. You do not give to those who are not worthy. May sound arrogant, yes, but a bit of self protection is always necessary in the real world. Never leave yourself so vulnerable again.

It is not about being cynical. It is about being self aware, of yourself, your tendency for weaknesses (over-trusting), and your environment. Once you've established rationally that the other person can be true, that is when slowly, you start to give back.

Like a dance, yea? One leads, the other follows. INTP curve ball for you, my dear. Be the perfect follow. Use Ne to guide you. INTPs have intuition. Use that gift.

And hey, let's not keep looking at the down side! what about the pluses?

INTPs are great company (when we're sane. haha), cos we're very open to new experiences. our enthusiasms are childlike. It is an affection that is pure and selfless. Imagination always makes for a great companionship. you can trust an INTP to come up with all sorts of weird and whacky ideas. and have i mentioned spontaneity and open mindedness? the fact is, intps may seem hypercritical, but we're actually very open-minded and unprejudicial. if anything, we're critical only of ourselves.

doesn't the above ring true with you?

it's about measurement. about tempering oneself, as one grows older, i guess. experience is the best teacher in life.

Social anxiety? Really? My best friend is INTP and sometimes she looks more socially comfortable than me. She talks to everyone politely, never asking personal questions.

We met in uni. She's beautiful, quiet, and most people think she's "mysterious".

Strangely enough, my INTP friend is less cynical than I am.

Perhaps objectivity would be your best tool in making friends.

i get that a lot IRL too. which is funny, because i never once thought about appearing mysterious. was just wrapt in my own world.

but there you have it, intp girl. we can appear mysterious and beautiful and oh-so-cool. how's that for appeal?

reality, my dear. which do you choose to believe? only you can know who you really are, within. So don't let this blue funk get you down. cheers.

 

[mippus]

I am saying this without irony: this is a very touching and powerfull answer, elfinchilde. Thank you!

 

[ShyINTP]

Wow, you are very sentimental for an INTP!

I have lost only one friend that I cared about .. I got rid of him when he violated some of my principles, I have not regretted it for a moment. I have very high standards for friendship .. and very few friends.

In my experience, NTs make best friends with other NTs, everybody else is bound to behave irrationally at some point and hurt an INTP if INTP becomes to attached to him/her.

It is not that NTs do not make mistakes, it is that is nearly impossible to have a rational discussion about what happened with anybody but NTs, the rest is just to emotional, subjective, ahh well .. consider it a learning experience.

 

[Cypocalypse]

I'm an INTP with a pretty developed Fi

I guess I've realized that Fi affects my motivation for doing things, and I can't rely everything that I do on what rationality dictates to me. Not everything is empirical (like what most TJs would think) and certainly, having relationships is not built on determining who's right.

My default INTP mode never really built good stable friendships with anyone, especially if I pump up the Ti and the Ne, making some of my friends think that I make them look stupid. Sad reality, but this is how other people view the stereotypical INTP.

Being in touch with my personal feelings, even if I have a pathetic Fe, can at least give me an idea on how one may feel, even if it still has to be interpreted by my Fi. At least when that side of me is present, I still manage to have some friends, and some really good ones, especially the INFPs