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[INTP] INTPs and Feelings

INTP

Active member
Joined
Jul 31, 2009
Messages
7,803
MBTI Type
intp
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5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx
i wouldnt mind at all if someone asked me that, and i dont think that there is anything rude or pushy about it, IF the other person is not wanting some answer to the question that i dont want to say.
 

slowriot

He who laughs
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
1,314
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5w4
I think telling him in a non confronting way would be the best, maybe add a little humor to it. Thats one thing enfjs should be good at when it comes to intps ;)

Plus he seems committed if you ask me, with the emailing twice a day, bringing you out to meet "special" friends, giving you gifts out of no where. Thats usually something that I really like doing, when a girl gives me that warm feeling thinking about her. Gifts in the sense of something I stumble upon that I know she really likes. The flowers and so on, is less likely. It might be insignificant gifts to most people, like a pen that has a good grip for writing and so on.

Maybe point out that eventhough you can see that he likes you, words means a lot more to you. The post about how an intp just need time to figure out and then will reach a point where it just comes out of the blue is something I agree on. Once committed Im pretty hard to get rid off in more than one way :D
 

ExAstrisSpes

New member
Joined
Aug 11, 2010
Messages
337
MBTI Type
ENFJ
He can write the affirmation down, on a piece of carboard, and she can attach it somewhere (fridge door?).
He can put an X under the affirmation every day, to show it is valid.

What if he forgets one day? :cry:

Actually this won't work for us at this point because we don't actually see each other or occupy the same living space every day.

I think telling him in a non confronting way would be the best, maybe add a little humor to it. Thats one thing enfjs should be good at when it comes to intps ;)

Plus he seems committed if you ask me, with the emailing twice a day, bringing you out to meet "special" friends, giving you gifts out of no where. Thats usually something that I really like doing, when a girl gives me that warm feeling thinking about her. Gifts in the sense of something I stumble upon that I know she really likes. The flowers and so on, is less likely. It might be insignificant gifts to most people, like a pen that has a good grip for writing and so on.

Maybe point out that eventhough you can see that he likes you, words means a lot more to you. The post about how an intp just need time to figure out and then will reach a point where it just comes out of the blue is something I agree on. Once committed Im pretty hard to get rid off in more than one way :D

I'm not typically confrontational unless I'm angry. Then watch out! :p Good thing I don't get angry very often.
The little gifts he has given me have really delighted me, and you're right in that they're usually something thoughtful and useful as opposed to just token.

How are you hard to get rid of?
 

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
Even more funny was that it wasn't a direct compliment, built into something else he was bemoaning!

After I identified this to him, his face looked like this :shock: and all he said was "I didn't?". So typically INTP where what he thought, he had thought he had expressed or that I should know he felt this way. Made me laugh pretty hard. :laugh:

He wasn't much into compliments or verbally expressing feelings where most of his compliments were backhanded and usually surrounded intellect, which was fine with me. While it's nice to be given compliments once in awhile, too many or too effusive become kind of meaningless and feel insincere.

He does respect my opinion and insight, although I can't say we've had deep discussions. I've recently started to ask him to tell me random stories, and I've certainly felt closer to him and like I understand him better since we've had those conversations. He does let me know some of his theories, but I still feel in this regard he hasn't opened up to me very much. Recently he's shown more interest in teaching me one of his hobbies (which I've expressed interest in learning), so I hope to see him in his element for that.
If you've been dating for 5 months and he's only reached this point now, he's a very slow starter. But with their need for autonomy, pushing beyond his comfort zone would have created an auto-eject reaction from him.

We both got really excited when we played chess together one night and realized we were *very* closely matched. As in, throughout the game we had pretty much the same pieces on the board, and when he finally checkmated me, I was one move away from checkmating him. I think since then we've both realized that not only do we get along well, but also we're well-matched intellectually. Until then I always thought he was much more smart than myself.
This is great that you've found something you enjoy doing together. The more compatible interests, the more you'll be able to connect.
It does surprise me when he wants to spend large chunks of time with me, and to be honest it delights me. I've gotten used to it but sometimes when he withdraws it's sudden and confusing. I usually just assume he needs his head space and he'll come back around when he's ready to be social again. I've told him in the past that it's OK for him to have his alone time and space, and that I don't want to crowd him. I rarely ask him out or call and let him come to me when he wants to be social.
The bolded is concerning. While it's okay for anyone to need some space, there has to be some form of communication to the other person that you have this need. Not begging or asking for space but telling the other person that you need to focus on other aspects for awhile so don't think x person is avoiding or pushing away y person. This way, both of your needs are taken into consideration.
 

ExAstrisSpes

New member
Joined
Aug 11, 2010
Messages
337
MBTI Type
ENFJ
If you've been dating for 5 months and he's only reached this point now, he's a very slow starter. But with their need for autonomy, pushing beyond his comfort zone would have created an auto-eject reaction from him.

He's mentioned that his past relationships grew out of friendships he had with people, whereas we had a more typical meet-and-date-and-get-involved kind of relationship. Also, I think he is making sure that we are truly compatible and fit well together as opposed to just looking good as a match on paper and that our friends expected it (we met through mutual friends).

This is great that you've found something you enjoy doing together. The more compatible interests, the more you'll be able to connect.

We have a lot of interests/activities in common, but I think the chess thing was where we really realized we were intellectual equals. I think the assumption (at least my initial assumption) was that he was standard deviations smarter than me.

The bolded is concerning. While it's okay for anyone to need some space, there has to be some form of communication to the other person that you have this need. Not begging or asking for space but telling the other person that you need to focus on other aspects for awhile so don't think x person is avoiding or pushing away y person. This way, both of your needs are taken into consideration.

He's only really pulled away like that once, and afterwards I did tell him that it was OK for him to need his head space or time to think on his own, but that if he needed to pull away like that to tell me so that I don't wonder if I did something to push him away. He acknowledged that he could have handled it better and that he also is not typically like that. He didn't discuss with me what it was that he needed to think about.
 

slowriot

He who laughs
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
1,314
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5w4
I'm not typically confrontational unless I'm angry. Then watch out! :p Good thing I don't get angry very often.
The little gifts he has given me have really delighted me, and you're right in that they're usually something thoughtful and useful as opposed to just token.

How are you hard to get rid of?

Its not neccesarily confrontational if you have an issue you need to get adressed in a relationship, thats usually a proactive approach if you ask me. Ofcourse depends on the context, yes. But reasonable issues, ofcourse they should be adressed.

Not in anyone psycho way, just in the sense that I take intimate relations with people really serious. Especially if its someone Im potentially going to live with. Clingy or anything like that, no.
 
A

A window to the soul

Guest
This has become a somewhat common exchange between me and my bf:

Me: "I have feelings for you/I care for you"
Him: "I know - it shows because of X, Y, Z"
Me: :huh:

I sense that he has feelings for me and cares for me, but it's not something I want to assume, even though from his perspective it's probably obvious. The relationship is otherwise going really well, but this is one of the communication things that has me puzzled. If he doesn't feel comfortable sharing his feelings verbally with me I don't want to force it (which is why I haven't asked him), but at the same time I feel insecure in the relationship sometimes because I really don't know how he feels for me and I don't feel comfortable assuming.

^It will probably take your INTP bf awhile to verbally express his feelings towards you. Meanwhile, I would not pressure him. You could playfuly express your desire to hear more, but I would not make it an issue. It will naturally come with time. Even then, verbal expressions will probably short, sweet and infrequent. Probably not what you are used to with other types or what comes natural for you.

INTP's are probably much better with written expression. Trust me when I say, you can tell an INTP likes you, when the INTP is playful, affectionate, gives you gifts, and spends quality time with you. These are things the INTP doesn't do with just anyone.

You may never hear a lot of verbal expression of feelings from an INTP. This is something I'm not good at either and it doesn't matter how much warm and fuzzy I feel. Showing physical affection comes natural for me in a relationship. My verbal expressions just don't come out right and I think they sound rehearsed. I do much better with writing.
 

93JC

Active member
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
3,989
I'd just ask him. I understand you're worried that will come across as pushy and rude, but I wouldn't fret about it. Chances are if you ask he'll chuckle and say "Of course I do, what makes you think I don't?"
 
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