• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[NT] Need advice on grumpy INT child

Lily flower

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
930
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
I'm asking NT's for advice about my son.

He is an INTx. He is grumpy and complains about absolutely EVERYTHING! He doesn't like anything our family does for activities, but he gets bored if we just stay at home. He doesn't like anything we eat for food, but when I ask him what he wants me to buy at the grocery store, he can't think of any ideas.

Going out for ice cream? Ice cream makes my teeth hurt! Not going out for ice cream? We never get to eat ice cream!

Going to a football game? Football is boring! Staying at home. Home is boring! Going to a movie? That movie looks like it will be boring! Going to the library? I hate reading! Books are boring! Going swimming? We went swimming last week! Going on vacation? I hate riding in the car!

My question is...is this a natural personality trait, a symptom or depression or just a bad attitude?

Is there any way to cheer him up or make him more pleasant? I think life is going to be very hard on him if he continues to be this negative, because his future employers, girlfriends, friends, etc. are not going to respond well to it.

I should note that he has a very nice life. He has a loving family with two parents who love him and love each other. He is well provided for (meals, house, toys, etc.). He is in a very positive community where he is safe. He is not being bullied or anything that would cause him emotional or physical harm.

Also, we have several children and the rest are all sunny and pleasant, so I don't think it has anything to do with our parenting.

Advice?
 

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
I don't think it's an INT thing at all. I mean, I could be grumpy or bored, but there was always something I could find to occupy my mind. Something excited me.

I'm wondering if it's an attention getting device. If you have several children, and the focus is on him when he dissents, maybe that's his way of keeping the attention on him? I'm not sure.
 

Oaky

Travelling mind
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
6,180
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
My question is...is this a natural personality trait, a symptom or depression or just a bad attitude?
That's what I think it is. What age are we speaking here? Sounds like someone going through puberty.
I suggest, if he is indeed an INTX, to try and converse with him on his thoughts and ideas. To be brief, appeal to his mind theories and what he likes to envision. Develop ideas of his thoughts and apply them to a certain activity in reality.
There would be a chance he thinks he is more intelligent than you are. Play with his perceptions.
 

Lily flower

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
930
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
He's 9, but he has been this way for a long time.

He definitely thinks he is more intelligent than I am. My adult logic makes no sense to him, and I am an NF, so I imagine my values are different from his.

(We just recently had a discussion about the dentist where I explained that the dentist gets plaque off his teeth and therefore prevents him from getting cavities. This makes no "logical sense" to him, because he says that he cleans his teeth twice a day, and therefore already gets enough plaque off his teeth. So once again, he sees me as being irrational because I insist on taking him to the dentist, and he adds it to his brain as one more way that he is smarter than I am. )
 

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
^^

This is why I don't have kids. :smile: That sounds exhausting.
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
Explain to him, in detail, why the dentist is able to remove more plaque than he can. Show him one of those flip head things that prove that he cannot reach certain angles in his mouth. In addition, the explain that the dentist also checks for other abnormalities and examines the xrays to make sure that his teeth are growing in properly. Be thorough. Your logic is fine, it probably just isn't detailed enough.

As far as his whining goes, it could just be his age, but more than likely it's the way he's used to communicating with you. He probably senses that you want him to be all cheery and that annoys him, so he does the opposite to annoy you.
 

INTPness

New member
Joined
Jan 22, 2009
Messages
2,157
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
I agree that it very well could be a way of getting attention. I hate to say it, but the majority of the time INT's just want to be left the heck alone. I really love my family, but I remember sometimes in that 10 to 16 age range just thinking, "Please, just get out of my room and leave me alone. I don't want to talk about the dentist, I don't want to talk about x, y, or z. I just want to be left alone. If I need anything, I'll let you know. Go ahead and book the dentist appointment for whatever time suits your schedule and I'll go. As long as we don't have to keep talking about it right now and as long as it will get you out of my room." And going on vacation or going out to ice cream can sometimes even be a negative distraction because we might be engaged mentally in something and getting ice cream just seems really lame in comparison to whatever we might be doing.

My gut instinct tells me that in this situation I would try to find that balance between "letting him be a loner when he wants to", but also "cracking the whip when I, as the parent, need to." The kid needs a certain amount of structure whether he likes it or not and sometimes you just have to say, "Too bad buddy, get in the car cuz we're going to the ice cream parlor. Suck it up! If you don't want ice cream cuz it makes your teeth hurt, then don't order any. You can sit and watch us eat. But, stop complaining!" It's logical, it's reasonable, and it will resonate with him that he's acting like a butthole. Be sharp with him.

The other side of this is when you guys are all at home and he wants to be a loner, let him go do that sometimes. Leave him alone for hours at a time - all night sometimes. Sometimes the constant interaction, loudness, etc. in a household can stress an introvert out. Let him delve into whatever projects/thinking/pondering that he wants to. Let him spend time developing his imagination - on his own. Any INT will truly appreciate that space. Again, it's about balance. Give him 3 nights each week alone in his room. The other 2 nights, make him go to the ice cream parlor or to his sibling's soccer game or whatever. Make him be a part of the family, but also recognize that he's a bit different.
 

Nicodemus

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2010
Messages
9,756
Explain why you want him to do something, why it is important. If he refuses, request alternatives from him. If the alternatives don't suit the purpose you had in mind, criticize them.
 

Saslou

New member
Joined
Feb 1, 2009
Messages
4,910
MBTI Type
ESFJ
You wait till he becomes a teenager, lol .. I'm an SF with an NT son and the biggest realisation i have come to is that 'don't instil your beliefs onto him'. Allow him to come to his own conclusions.

My son is 13 and always been the 'black sheep' of the family but now i quite enjoy his quirkiness. I've learned to give him space because the more i back him into a corner the more he rebels, the school has yet to realise this so in the last 5 weeks, i've had meeting with the teachers 4 times, lol. He doesn't like to eat, doesn't like to do family things together unless it suits him, changes his mind continuously so now i just embrace his uniqueness.

Obviously my kid is older but i've pretty much given him my digital camera as he takes some amazing pictures, i've brought him a nice book to write his poems which are very impressive, he's musically gifted so i've managed to get him extra lessons in school so he can pursue this and he's always on my laptop for which he gets free rein to explore his creative/thinking side.

Work it to your advantage without it looking so :)

Hope this helps.
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
IME, kids will try the debate stuff to try to get out of doing something they don't want to do. I always explain stuff as much as I can, but if they are just being butts, I tell them I'm explaining so that they will understand why they are going to do it, not so we can argue about it. If they need more info than I can give them or my info sounds bogus to them, they can google it.

I don't know what type my older son is, but the only thing he is really interested in is video games. He doesn't want to go out to dinner with the family, doesn't want to go to the movies, etc. He knows better than to tell me he is bored, though, because that is a sure way to get assigned some chores. Generally if he doesn't want to go, I don't make him but he is thirteen and old enough to leave at home. If I think he needs to go with us, I make sure he understands he is not allowed to ruin everybody elses' experience by complaining or acting like a little freak or I will make his life a living hell when we get home -- grounding, chores, etc. Sometimes I offer an incentive because I know he's probably kind of miserable and I'm asking to suck it up because I don't want to hear about it.

The best thing to do with almost all unwanted behaviors is the carrot/stick. He is somehow experiencing a reward from this behavior, even if it's only that it annoys you. In order to cancel it, the reward has to go away or the negative consequences need to be increased. But if he's an INT, you have to expect him to be introverted and grumpy about things he thinks are stupid -- sometimes I tell my kids that I know that it's stupid, but I need them to humor me. But he also can't make everyone else miserable.
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
Very well said, Cafe. Even my INTP bf can be a pain in the ass sometimes with his mopey sarcasm, and he's in his 30s. I state what I want and tell him not to ruin shit for me because the world doesn't revolve around his need to sit on the computer. He doesn't get to sit around and complain while having every need provided for. Not gonna happen.
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Very well said, Cafe. Even my INTP bf can be a pain in the ass sometimes with his mopey sarcasm, and he's in his 30s. I state what I want and tell him not to ruin shit for me because the world doesn't revolve around his need to sit on the computer. He doesn't get to sit around and complain while having every need provided for. Not gonna happen.
Yeah, my 39 y/o INTP is still like that, too and I more or less handle it the same way minus the grounding, etc. :laugh: I don't ask him to go places he doesn't want to go very often because he'll ruin my time, but when it's really important he knows it and tries to be a good sport. He's gotten a lot better about it with age, but I don't push it.
 

BÃ¥rris

New member
Joined
Jun 13, 2010
Messages
35
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Maybe you could let him do exactly what he wants to do

what i mean is you should just leave him alone
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
Hahaha, Cafe... same with me. He comes out 25% of the time, and he has to be charming. He's gotten better at it, for sure. And I leave him sitting alone in the dark the other 75% of the time.

@Barris- that's not really practical. Life doesn't work that way. He's just a child. If left to his own devices, he probably wouldn't even go to school, either. I know that I wouldn't have.
 

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
well, duh
I meant when they're at home

Well, that's usually what an INTx kid wants. But that leads to kids who don't know how to interact with others, and think their needs should come before anyone else's. I'm glad my mom expected me to do stuff with the family, and made me follow through on stuff I wasn't super-excited about. Balance and sacrifice can be good things.

INTx kids do need to be left alone a good bit, though.
 

SecondBest

Permabanned
Joined
Aug 12, 2010
Messages
844
MBTI Type
eNxp
Enneagram
5/7
I heard you could return your child within 5 years of purchase and get 90% of your money back minus repackaging fees. Just put the child in an appropriately sized box with receipt and a filled out return form, and send it to the address listed. They should be able to get you a new child, grumpy-free, within 6 to 8 weeks of receipt of broken child.

You'll have a 6 to 8 week period where you'll have to go without child, but I think it'll be worth it in the long run.
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
I think that with NT children, (and adults) it takes some reminding that there will be times that they have to just do things that don't make any sense. Life still happens and their presence is still needed. They need to know that they are loved and wanted despite their ambivalence towards it. I believe that deep down, NT's struggle with a deep frustration about "irrationality", and how it is difficult to not be able to categorize things that have no logical basis. Also, they struggle with basically avoiding things that will trigger an emotional response to it, because they find their feelings hard to accept and handle. Even the positive ones, appreciation of "moments" being one of them. So they need to have rules be made in a "casual" way, rather than there being any hints of "emergency" in your tone. A bit of attitudal distance with a "wink" and a little smile, does wonders when you are dealing with their stubbornness. It helps diffuse it to a degree, and you can work with them better. (so play it cool and relaxed with him and don't let him see your anxiety or frustration. He will just respect you less and put up more resistance).
 
Top