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  1. #1
    Junior Member Sioul's Avatar
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    Default Trying to understand the INTX mind

    Hi everyone, relatively new to this forum, but not to myerrs briggs/socionics. I'm an ENFP, recently got out of a r/t with a guy who I'm pretty sure was INTP, may have been INTJ.

    When we first met, he seemed very sincere, interested, honest. The connection was very easy to maintain and it did not feel like I had to do anything help things from progressing. About a month ago my intuitive spidey senses went off and I started to feel like something was just not right. Long story short, I ended up finding out that he was very dishonest with me and also seeing many different people on the side, after we had talked about being monogomous and exlusive...

    When I confronted him about it, he turned the situation on me, avoided the evidence against him and blamed me for making him feel like I did not trust him and "needy".

    I've always given him ample space and independance, I guess I had to because it was a semi-long distance r/t. About a 3 hour commute so we'd usually see each other on the weekends. The last month I do admit to being a little bit more curious about where he was...etc, but this was because my spidey senses were telling me something wasn't right, along with some sketchy behavior/explanations from him that just did not add up.

    Can anyone give me some possibilities as to the thought process in his head to justify this? It's as if he does not feel guilty a tall about lying, cheating...any of it. I don't understand how someone can do this without atleast feeling a little bit bad about their actions.

  2. #2
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sioul View Post
    Hi everyone, relatively new to this forum, but not to myerrs briggs/socionics. I'm an ENFP, recently got out of a r/t with a guy who I'm pretty sure was INTP, may have been INTJ.

    When we first met, he seemed very sincere, interested, honest. The connection was very easy to maintain and it did not feel like I had to do anything help things from progressing. About a month ago my intuitive spidey senses went off and I started to feel like something was just not right. Long story short, I ended up finding out that he was very dishonest with me and also seeing many different people on the side, after we had talked about being monogomous and exlusive...

    When I confronted him about it, he turned the situation on me, avoided the evidence against him and blamed me for making him feel like I did not trust him and "needy".

    I've always given him ample space and independance, I guess I had to because it was a semi-long distance r/t. About a 3 hour commute so we'd usually see each other on the weekends. The last month I do admit to being a little bit more curious about where he was...etc, but this was because my spidey senses were telling me something wasn't right, along with some sketchy behavior/explanations from him that just did not add up.

    Can anyone give me some possibilities as to the thought process in his head to justify this? It's as if he does not feel guilty a tall about lying, cheating...any of it. I don't understand how someone can do this without atleast feeling a little bit bad about their actions.
    I hate to say it, but I don't think this is type related at all. He cheated, plain and simple. There are always two sides to the story, but that doesn't justify his cheating. Who knows what was going through his head. I'm of the belief that cheating is always wrong. If you don't like the situation you're in, get out of it first, and then you're no longer obligated to that person.

    The only thing I can speak to in this thread is you being an ENFP and him saying that you were "needy" and didn't trust him. I'm not "turning it back on you" - that's not my point - I actually sympathize with you and your situation. I just know from experience with an ENFP, she did require a lot of attention (which, I understand, is relative). INTP's really, really desire a high level of autonomy and "mental space", as I like to think of it. You can be right there in the room with me, but if I'm engaged in my thinking, I don't want to be interrupted. I need space. It doesn't mean I love the person I'm with any less than anyone else would love them.

    And we hate being "molded" into someone's idea of who we should be or what we should be doing at any given time. If you want to go to a concert on Friday night, then go have fun! I won't be going with you this time (or maybe next time either), but go do your thing. Basically, I think of the 16 types, it's fairly easy for us to feel "encroached on" or "suffocated" in a relationship. We love you and all, but seriously respect our space. It's very important to us. And it's been my experience in relationships that when the person I'm with doesn't do this (even after I explain myself), then I just have to get out of the relationship. I can't stay in it when it's like that. That doesn't mean I'll cheat, but I will get out.

    Don't monitor me, don't track me, don't text me constantly, be understanding if I can't call you back for an hour or two when I'm at work, etc, etc. Space. Breathing room.

    The ENFP I became very close with (I was never with her, we just became very good friends) would call me and it would go like this:

    ENFP: I made dinner. Want to come over?
    INTP: Huh? Really? I'm wrapped up in something right now.
    ENFP: Uhhh, oh. I have movies we could watch???
    INTP (half my attention on her, half my attention on the other thing): Yeah, what movies do you have?

    Not wanting to hurt her feelings (and also because she was super fun to be around), I would put what I was doing aside and go hang out with her. But, after 2 hours, I'd say, "Well, I'm going to go home now." And she'd seem surprised or even sad.

    Then the next day, she'd call me again. And I'd say, "Well, we just hung out last night. Maybe we can get together this weekend or next week sometime."

    And she began to get kind of mean and pouty. It got to the point that if I didn't want to hang out, I felt really guilty. And as much as I cared about her, I just can't do that. I have to be able to be me.

    Again, I'm not justifying his behavior. Not even close. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Just trying to offer up more perspective. Hope things get better for you.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  3. #3
    Junior Member Sioul's Avatar
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    Thanks very much for the quick reply. I completely understand what you are saying, I know from past experiences, dating experiences to the past, my biggest flaw is that I am so emotional and expressive in an emotional way that it can seem a bit much.

    I used to think that because I was this way, then if someone was not giving me the same emotional affection that I would give them, it would mean that they did not care about me and I would get angry...but that was the past.

    I've become much more aware with the helps of myerrs briggs that everyone is different, not everyone shows affection or takes things the same way that I would on a personal level, so I get what you are saying. I think I was very very cautious to give him his space and not be that needy person that I know that I could be in the past. It would even get to the point where he would tell me, if you are thinking of something or feeling something, just tell me, I'd rather you share it with me than having it build up in your mind.

    I guess what confuses me is why would he continued to cheat and lie to me when I have very rationaly and calmly talked to him about the pace that we were moving and whether or not this was right for him? I told him that if at anytime he felt we were moving to fast or that things weren't seeming right, to just be honest and let me know and I would completely understand.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm having a hard time understanding how he could do this all without feeling guilty.

    But maybe your right, maybe this is not an INTP thing, it might have been more of a "I met an dishonest person with bad values"

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, its nice to know that this is not an INTP thing.

  4. #4
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    i didnt read what intpness wrote, but this isnt type related, he just simply is an asshole. maybe he does feel guilty but doesent want to show it to you, because then he would have to take the blame? either way, hes still an asshole and you shouldnt waste your time trying to figure him out because there is no deep meanings to being an asshole.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  5. #5
    Senior Member Trentham's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sioul View Post
    But maybe your right, maybe this is not an INTP thing, it might have been more of a "I met an dishonest person with bad values."
    I concur - the fact that he apparently felt no guilt or remorse about his actions seems especially un-INTP-like.
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  6. #6
    Consulting Detective Mr. Sherlock Holmes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trentham View Post
    I concur - the fact that he apparently felt no guilt or remorse about his actions seems especially un-INTP-like.
    I agree. As introverts, our social interactions tend to be closer, but with fewer people. We also put a lot of thought and concern into everything we do. I honestly think it hughly unlikely that an INTP OR INTJ would have the need nor ability to date several people at once without guilt. Why would we do that? We're normally very happy with just one, or even no partners. It's probably a bit more likely if they were an extravert, like an ENTP or something (they can seem introverted), but it would have to be a pretty evil one. These people are more likely to 'play games' and do risky things for fun. But whatever his type, he's an asshole.

    INTPs, really, we have a low level of social-emotional energy, which is why we're introverts. We couldn't be bothered doing that whole juggling act. It would just seem unnecessary and pointless.
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  7. #7
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    I agree with everyone here. Whatever the type, I'd say the relationship didn't mean enough to him to keep it monogamous, and then he lied about it on top of that. Who needs that? Move on; you can do better.

  8. #8
    Junior Member Sioul's Avatar
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    That's what my intuition was telling me. I've basically come to realize that he has lied about everything in his life. Or atleast slightly altered the truth in order for it to make the most sense in his life.

    I guess what made me curious from a typology standpoint was whether or not an INT_ could actually find a way to justify this type of behavior in their head??

    It was so baffling to me, when I confronted him he acted like he was the victim and I was smothering him and was always to suscipicious of where he was...etc Clearly it was for good reason.

    It's funny whenever something traumatic or unpleasant happens to me, in order for me to keep my sanity I turn to myers briggs in order to try to rationalize it because I believe that people are genuinely good natured.

    Not the case

  9. #9
    Consulting Detective Mr. Sherlock Holmes's Avatar
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    Nope. Plenty are just assholes. And either he's not concerned about justifying his behaviour (which an INT would probably need to do) he's probably not an INT, a psychopath, or a nihilist (though since he is projecting his subjective opinion of you, this is unlikely, unless he is a deluded nihilist).
    JiNe
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  10. #10
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    I would agree with the person who said that INTx view us (us, meaning ENFPs) as "needy."

    But as for the rest of it, seriously, he sounds like an asshole. I don't know if it has anything to do with him being an NT, unless he's just one of those NTs who is so out of touch with feeling that he can't even wrap his mind around it. I doubt it though. Most *mature* INTx I've encountered will give you something...an explanation...evidence that they are a human being that isn't completely heartless...in fact, IME I've known two INTx men IRL (non-romantically) who seemed to be reasonably ethical to the point of even surpassing an NF. The first, who I think may be INTJ, had been married to his wife for like 20 years and the other - he can't figure out if he's INTP or INTJ -is so rationally ethical that it makes me feel like a total heathen in comparison.

    So it's not just about him being INTx, though I will admit some of them seem emotionally...distant...or a bit...disengaged...perhaps a bit...judgey of feeler qualities...but I don't think him being a cheater and not willing to explain or justify it has anything to do specifically with being INTx.

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