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  1. #31
    Junior Member Sioul's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    If only you had not talked about it...
    Your right, that was the problem. Moving forward I should never talk about monogomy.

  2. #32
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Do you not find that it makes little difference whether he is being monogamous or successfully hiding his infidelity? Either way he is protecting you from the fear of losing him to someone else (which, I suspect, is the root of monogamy). He might have viewed it that way.

  3. #33
    Junior Member Sioul's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    Do you not find that it makes little difference whether he is being monogamous or successfully hiding his infidelity? Either way he is protecting you from the fear of losing him to someone else (which, I suspect, is the root of monogamy). He might have viewed it that way.
    I don't think I can view this situation in the same way that you do. There is a big difference between "protecting" me from the fear of losing him and flat out lying to my face. But I think I'm understanding where you are coming from, maybe in his mind these two equated to the same result.

    In my mind respect, trust and honesty play a big factor in sustaining a connection. To me, by lying to me in order to protect me from the truth is the cowardly way out of a situation. An adult would have had that uncomfortable confrontation and just be honest.

  4. #34
    Consulting Detective Mr. Sherlock Holmes's Avatar
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    Whether or not he was 'protecting you', it's still a selfish and irresponsible thing to do. If they really wanted to protect you, they could have resisted temptation and stayed faithful in the first place.
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  5. #35
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    Didn't you know? All INTX have in their mind is how they are going to cheat next

  6. #36
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sioul View Post
    I don't think I can view this situation in the same way that you do. There is a big difference between "protecting" me from the fear of losing him and flat out lying to my face. But I think I'm understanding where you are coming from, maybe in his mind these two equated to the same result.

    In my mind respect, trust and honesty play a big factor in sustaining a connection. To me, by lying to me in order to protect me from the truth is the cowardly way out of a situation. An adult would have had that uncomfortable confrontation and just be honest.
    One could say that resisting the temptation is a form of lying also, for it means to pretend that there are no other (sexually) interesting people around. To stay faithful then means to keep the infidelity within the mind, whereas to cheat means to transfer it into the bodily world: the same offence in different forms. Eventually, to lie about an act committed in the bodily world is to lie in the common meaning of the word, but to lie about a thought, a certain appetite is not considered so important, perhaps not even a lie. I suspect the distinction results from the notion that one is responsible and, thus, accountable for one's actions but not for one's thoughts.

  7. #37
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    One could say that resisting the temptation is a form of lying also, for it means to pretend that there are no other (sexually) interesting people around. To stay faithful then means to keep the infidelity within the mind, whereas to cheat means to transfer it into the bodily world: the same offence in different forms. Eventually, to lie about an act committed in the bodily world is to lie in the common meaning of the word, but to lie about a thought, a certain appetite is not considered so important, perhaps not even a lie. I suspect the distinction results from the notion that one is responsible and, thus, accountable for one's actions but not for one's thoughts.
    I consider this a practical reality, not an inconsistency.

    You might be accountable for what you continue to think about (for that is a choice), but thoughts and feelings themselves seem to come from nowhere and are merely perceived, not created. You might as well hold yourself accountable for a change in the direction of the wind.

    You do have conscious control, however, for what you continue to think about and what emotions you continue to nurture/harbor, as well as what actions you choose to persist in, so these "choices" are what people typically hold others accountable for.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    Do you not find that it makes little difference whether he is being monogamous or successfully hiding his infidelity? Either way he is protecting you from the fear of losing him to someone else (which, I suspect, is the root of monogamy). He might have viewed it that way.
    Based on his reaction when challenged, it doesn't sound like he was doing it to protect S. It sounded like he was doing it with feelings of guilt, and resentment, and to hide because he feared reprisal/anger/judgment of some sort... but at the same time left the clues maybe just in order to have a blowup and thus escape the situation.

    I mean, it's nice to look at all sorts of possibilities, and there HAVE been people who operate from the basis you suggest here; but evidence is very quick to weed out certain possibilities or at least diminish the probability they are likely accurate.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

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  8. #38
    Consulting Detective Mr. Sherlock Holmes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    One could say that resisting the temptation is a form of lying also, for it means to pretend that there are no other (sexually) interesting people around. To stay faithful then means to keep the infidelity within the mind, whereas to cheat means to transfer it into the bodily world: the same offence in different forms. Eventually, to lie about an act committed in the bodily world is to lie in the common meaning of the word, but to lie about a thought, a certain appetite is not considered so important, perhaps not even a lie. I suspect the distinction results from the notion that one is responsible and, thus, accountable for one's actions but not for one's thoughts.
    It's not who you are on the inside. It's what you do that counts. How you choose to behave defines how you should treat someone. Everyone has temptations. When people get angry, they may want to punch someone in the face, but it is admirable for them not to do so.
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    "It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts."

  9. #39
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I consider this a practical reality, not an inconsistency.
    I do too. It just annoyed me a little that everyone here was quick to condemn the unknown person, whose version of the truth we have not heard.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    You might be accountable for what you continue to think about (for that is a choice), but thoughts and feelings themselves seem to come from nowhere and are merely perceived, not created. You might as well hold yourself accountable for a change in the direction of the wind.

    You do have conscious control, however, for what you continue to think about and what emotions you continue to nurture/harbor, as well as what actions you choose to persist in, so these "choices" are what people typically hold others accountable for.
    Is that so? I tend to be an empirical liberalist and a transcendental determinist.

    Quote Originally Posted by mrsherlockholmes View Post
    It's not who you are on the inside. It's what you do that counts. How you choose to behave defines how you should treat someone. Everyone has temptations. When people get angry, they may want to punch someone in the face, but it is admirable for them not to do so.
    There is too much normative ethics in your comment for me to take it as anything but wishful thinking.

  10. #40
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    I do too. It just annoyed me a little that everyone here was quick to condemn the unknown person, whose version of the truth we have not heard.
    Well, for me at least, if he was here, I'd certainly listen to his side. All of my comments are based only on what information I have; otherwise, I couldn't comment on ANYTHING on this forum.

    Besides, it's just as much a fallacy to support someone solely because they haven't offered their side as much as it is to support someone solely because they have.


    Is that so? I tend to be an empirical realist and a transcendental determinist.
    Okay... and how does that play out here, in what you think people should be accountable for vs not?

    For at least practical purposes, the penal code of any community exists because people are assumed to be responsible for their behavior, regardless of the degree of "free will" they might feel they experience.

    There is too much normative ethics in your comment for me to take it as anything but wishful thinking.
    For starters, just because something is normative is no reason for you to simply discard it; you need to at least explore the reason the code exists and determine if it serves a reasonable and practical purpose.

    There is far too much of you simply positioning yourself against whatever you perceive the "norm opinion" to be for me to take it as anything but wishful thinking.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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