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  1. #11
    Welcome to Sunnyside Mondo's Avatar
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    I concur with what others have said. This isn't type-related- it's just someone being an immature asshole. Also, he might have not seen it as a relationship like you have.. especially given the long distance.
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  2. #12
    Junior Member Sioul's Avatar
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    all this asshole talk is incredibly theraputic

  3. #13
    Senior Member Trentham's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mrsherlockholmes View Post
    As introverts, our social interactions tend to be closer, but with fewer people. We also put a lot of thought and concern into everything we do. I honestly think it hughly unlikely that an INTP OR INTJ would have the need nor ability to date several people at once without guilt. Why would we do that? We're normally very happy with just one, or even no partners.
    Very true. As weird as it may sound for NTs to be saying, emotional intimacy is immensely important for us in relationships. We don't open up to very many people; so when we do, we tend to value that relationship considerably.
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  4. #14
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sioul View Post
    all this asshole talk is incredibly theraputic
    I know, I'm to the point of running a Find on the word on this page to get a count, because it seems to have become the insulte du jour!

    Honestly, I can't imagine an INTx "seeing many other people on the side."
    That's just waaaaay too much energy and distraction for a type that values its space and independence.

    Usually if INTPs screw people over, it's by not giving enough energy to the one romantic relationship they're allowed themselves to become part of.

    A three-hour commute is pretty hard, too, to maintain an LTR with. Many people would have issues with that. It's not unlikely it wasn't working for him, and he should have just broken it off with you since your time together was limited; it's clear he wants someone (or "someones" *cough*) nearby...

    He handled things immaturely with you -- first by not stating his needs, and then by not owning up to his own behavior. At least at the end he could have apologized for screwing you over rather than having the balls to just end things if it wasn't working, that would have shown a little class at least; instead he tried to blame you for his choices. Good riddance.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #15
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    He handled things immaturely with you -- first by not stating his needs, and then by not owning up to his own behavior. At least at the end he could have apologized for screwing you over rather than having the balls to just end things if it wasn't working, that would have shown a little class at least; instead he tried to blame you for his choices. Good riddance.
    An INTP did something similar to me, then didn't own up to his behavior when I found out and called him on it. Granted, that was after the relationship ended.

    Good riddance indeed.

  6. #16
    . Blank's Avatar
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    I think the LTR would precisely be the reason why an INTX would juggle multiple partners.

    I think people on this board overlook the fact that people are people, regardless of type. An INT could very well go out of his/her way to date a shit-ton of people if they wanted to.


    DFS

    "A breadth-first search makes a lot of sense for dating in general, actually; it suggests dating a bunch of people casually before getting serious, rather than having a series of five-year relationships one after another."


    But back to the OP: I'm sorry you had to experience what you've experienced, but it really isn't type-related. If it were, everyone would avoid the "cheating" type.
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  7. #17
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blank View Post
    I think the LTR would precisely be the reason why an INTX would juggle multiple partners.

    I think people on this board overlook the fact that people are people, regardless of type. An INT could very well go out of his/her way to date a shit-ton of people if they wanted to.
    Well, as pretty evident elsewhere, INTP usually lacks so much social skill earlier in life that dating multiple people is typically an impossibility. In anecdotal experience (which is easy to find), they typically have enough trouble getting even one.

    I still wouldn't bet on this person being an INTP based on dating style. The most evidence for it is the passivity of not just closing off the long-distance relationship; there's little risk involved in ending things over the phone, a face-to-face wasn't even necessary, a simple text/email would have worked. Either she had something he didn't want to give up, or he has an inability to say no / weak social skills. Which doesn't bode well to be a multiple dater.

    But yeah, whatever. The guy is a louse.
    (And xkcd rocks)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  8. #18
    Junior Member Sioul's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I know, I'm to the point of running a Find on the word on this page to get a count, because it seems to have become the insulte du jour!

    Honestly, I can't imagine an INTx "seeing many other people on the side."
    That's just waaaaay too much energy and distraction for a type that values its space and independence.

    Usually if INTPs screw people over, it's by not giving enough energy to the one romantic relationship they're allowed themselves to become part of.

    A three-hour commute is pretty hard, too, to maintain an LTR with. Many people would have issues with that. It's not unlikely it wasn't working for him, and he should have just broken it off with you since your time together was limited; it's clear he wants someone (or "someones" *cough*) nearby...

    He handled things immaturely with you -- first by not stating his needs, and then by not owning up to his own behavior. At least at the end he could have apologized for screwing you over rather than having the balls to just end things if it wasn't working, that would have shown a little class at least; instead he tried to blame you for his choices. Good riddance.
    Jennifer, this is what I thought to myself. Maybe the three hour commute was to much, I started noticing subtle changes when the sexual energy was not as potent as it was in the beginning. I mean I would have thought that after not seeing your partner in a week, it would be at its peak. So thats when I first started to think there was something that just didnt seem right.

    Now that I go back and break things down, what also surprises me is the level of confidence he had towards juggling all of his "lives". He had notes written from lovers just sitting on his desk, I brought my tooth brush with me once and found another one there, extra parking passes left out with different makes of cars....I mean it was all infront of me the entire time but he seemed so genuine that I never even thought to question any of it?

    He either thought I was a complete idiot and that I could never figure out his mastermind ways, or its almost as if he wanted me to catch him...

    do you think as an INT_ it was to much energy for him to have that uncomfortable break up conversation with me?

  9. #19
    Consulting Detective Mr. Sherlock Holmes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sioul View Post
    do you think as an INT_ it was to much energy for him to have that uncomfortable break up conversation with me?
    Possibly. I'm still not sure he is one, but going on your idea, it is possible the stress once he is caught might be too much to bear and he would probably realise how risky he had been, probably think about how it was stupid to do, and not want to have to deal with aftershock, retreating to somewhere he can collect his thoughts. However, this doesn't say whether he feels any remorse or not. If I'm right and he's really an extrovert, this would be less likely to be the case.
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  10. #20
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sioul View Post
    Jennifer, this is what I thought to myself. Maybe the three hour commute was to much, I started noticing subtle changes when the sexual energy was not as potent as it was in the beginning. I mean I would have thought that after not seeing your partner in a week, it would be at its peak. So thats when I first started to think there was something that just didnt seem right.

    Now that I go back and break things down, what also surprises me is the level of confidence he had towards juggling all of his "lives". He had notes written from lovers just sitting on his desk, I brought my tooth brush with me once and found another one there, extra parking passes left out with different makes of cars....I mean it was all infront of me the entire time but he seemed so genuine that I never even thought to question any of it?

    He either thought I was a complete idiot and that I could never figure out his mastermind ways, or its almost as if he wanted me to catch him...

    do you think as an INT_ it was to much energy for him to have that uncomfortable break up conversation with me?
    Well, let's just assume that he is INTP, then, rather than INTJ... and If I have to pick one, I would say INTP more than INTJ in terms of how he interacted with you.

    INTJ, I think, is far more quick to just end things that are not working, and not make excuses about it. And more likely to take care, if they want to control the situation; Te is good at managing situations, if anything, and achieving practical goals.

    Why INTP, out of the two, if I have to pick one of those?

    1. Quick to see possibilities in something and jump right in on the vision of those possibilities (i.e., dating you despite the 3-hour commute). Sounds like he was swept away on emotion, over his head.

    2. Quick to lose steam once you are not nearby, and finding a lack of commitment to hold him to the relationship. Three hours is a lot of time and a huge inconvenience for visiting; chances are you would want to get together as much as possible on the weekends, which now eats his weekends up (another inconvenience) and forces a schedule (INTP anathema)

    <put another way, for #1 and #2 -- he is REACTIVE to the situation... he's responding to visions and information in the moment, and as soon as the situation changes, he finds his interest dissipating. That's very P.>

    3. Rationally, he wouldn't see the relationship as a good use of his time if there are other women locally he could be involved with.

    4. Avoiding the "breakup" conversation. Typical INTP dodge. He doesn't know how to start it, and I would expect him to have built up some resentment against you -- after all (in HIS mind), you were the one "keeping him in the relationship" and forcing both of you to adhere to that wild schedule.. no matter how many clues he left around. He probably would have been thinking of you as the "stupid one" for not seeing how nothing was really working out and thus continuing with the relationship past sensibility... more things to hold against you, to justify his behavior later.

    5. The "clue" thing. INTP can clean up its tracks well, if it so desires -- big picture coherence helps pinpoint items that are out of place or that could trigger disclosure, but it sounds like he wasn't even trying. INTP is reactive, as I said above, and initially passive in relationships until some experience and self-identity/assertiveness is developed... and it's a very common strategy in the meanwhile to basically force other people to force the confrontation. That way, the INTP can REACT to it rather than having to initiate it. Reacting is something an INTP is good at. And this way, you become the aggressor and take the dominating/enslaver role that he has put you in, and then he can react against you and rebel. (Making a decision on his own would make him the authority figure in the argument; but he feels powerless and wouldn't know how to behave with authority.)

    Does this make sense? In an argument, he would rather sit and wait and respond to your assertions ... and then once you quit, the battle is over. If he chose to initiate things, he'd have to take the attack front, push for his point of view, and run the risk of you refusing to let him go, but in any case as the initiator, he'd have to officially beat you; here, he positioned things in a way that you were far more inclined to dump him (taking the decision off his hands) and in any case as soon as you stop pressing the issue, the relationship is over anyway; he doesn't actually have to beat you in order to win, he just has to outlast you. It's strategically quite a masterpiece stroke, even if very immature and unfair to you.

    Just my ideas, if he does happen to be an INTP. But yes, the energy drain to handle relationally conflict is immense for INTPs... partly because relationships are confusing, and they're not within the realm of the main function perspectives.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

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