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  1. #1
    Giggity Vie's Avatar
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    Default Openness equaling intimate?

    I had a friend point out to me today (an ESFJ) that I am very open about all aspects of my life and at times it seems like I have a bit of diareah of the mouth. I agree fullheartedly with her, as I am a very honest person and if a person asks a question, I will try to be as thourough as possible as I have nothing to hide...

    But she took this to mean as though I was sharing "intimate" thoughts with her as some of the topics included sex and other social tabboos. I was confused because never in those conversations did I ever feel intimate with her at all -- or feel connected to her in a way that would mean our friendship was a close one. I never said anything about how I was feeling about the things I was talking about, more of a transcript of past events.

    Does anyone else have this problem of people thinking you are close friends or that you are too open of a person, when in reality you aren't close at all? Or feel that you are being too intimate?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Intimacy will be perceived differently by different people. It's closely related to the idea of familiarity.

    You could say your ESFJ is familiar with many aspects of your life....but she might not be familiar with, for example, your thought process that well. For her, something as concrete as "aspects of your life" might be her way to feeling familiarity. For you, it might be other things.

    I have never been told I was too open, but I often get the impression I'm okay with saying things about myself others would not. More often than not, things that other people would feel ashamed of.

  3. #3
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Yes, I have the same problem. When people ask me questions, I take off my clothes and tell them exactly what I think. Then they're like "yo, dude, that's a little too intimate for me" and I'm like "dude, this is just how I talk, it means nothing to me." And I'm like and she's like and I'm like and she's like and then I'm like and she's like and then that's it. In sum, yes, I experience the exact same thing.

  4. #4
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Actually, so I was thinking about it. I do experience something similar. It happens when I break up with people I've been dating. For me, it's nothing, because I rarely actually feel close; for them, it's devastating because they've built a connection. One-way intimacy, if there is such a thing.

    I think it's because when I'm in a relationship, I'm rarely present. Most of what I say is kinda robotic. I'm saying, thinking, calculating, but it doesn't really feel like me sharing. It's rare that I actually break through the fear of rejection and come clean about my feelings (about rejection) and actually talk to someone about what I really think and really feel. Not just the ideas I can recite mechanically, but the ideas that come from my core. They might look alike on the outside, but they feel much different when they're not being forced.

    Maybe that's what you experience, I don't know. You're talking about talking with friends, not lover, which might be different. Also, maybe your friend just misinterprets which parts of your are personal and which parts are public. But then again, who knows. A good test might be to talk about something absolutely personal and see if there's still one-way intimacy. If yes, then maybe you're not really opening up fully. (Not that you have to, I'm just saying that's how you could understand the results you see.) If not, then maybe your friend is overestimating the significance of your disclosures. Viva.

  5. #5
    Senior Member HotpinkHeatwave's Avatar
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    Intimacy to me is literally the physical act of being intimate, or saying intimate things (NOT sharing very personal information, there is a difference). You can share all your personal details with me, all you want, but that doesn't mean I'll regard you as anything more than what I already do. You can tell me your deepest darkest secrets, and that probably wouldn't make me feel any closer to you - UNLESS, I knew you really trusted me with it. If you're just telling me it to tell it. Eh, that's cool.

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