however, it's sounding like you want to be the lead in the relationship mostly because of insecurity... i don't hear you cite any religious reasons nor personal preferences for it. and i think it's going to be really difficult to find a partner who is happy with you taking the lead because you are insecure. i trust people to lead because they are good at acting in ways that account for everyone, because they are proactive and assertive, because they are stable and confident. because they are moving toward
something, not running away from something. i do respect your desire to improve yourself via being a leader - i have done the same thing - and i also understand your desire not to end up powerless or distanced. that would be an awful situation. still, it sounds like you're coming to any potential relationship with an inherent distrust of your partner - a suspicion that she may, if not kept under close check, someday overpower you - and that is, ironically, almost guaranteed to destroy any otherwise potentially healthy marriage. it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.