I am extremely critical, especially of work quality while I'm on the job. Well, ok, I'm not really critical. And I've found that I don't really give a shit. But others think that I do give a shit, and that I'm very critical. If you've ever heard an INTP bitch, then you know us being seen as critical/cold/etc isn't anything groundbreaking or new. And, myself, after having done it for a while (complain about my actions/approach being misinterpreted) am now ready to accept that this shit is the way it is. With that said, I'm trying to learn how to exist, and be at peace, even amidst this bullshit from others.
Its weird. I know that I don't want to change into being a smiley, cheerful person that doesn't tell it like it is, because I tried that once, and being stepped on sucked more than being misunderstood. Also, there were a crapload of people who had a score to settle and they just kinda went nuts.
I'm not innocent! Lol. I'm usually not out to get under someone's skin, but every once in a while I find myself under there, and I'm like, "fucking right.. eat that shit, you sorry ass motherf---." It feels pretty good. Whatever.
Now, I gave one example of changing myself, and not liking the outcome. There are quite a few. But my conclusion was pretty much that this is who I am for the rest of my life. A scrawny, nerdy-looking, soft-spoken, awkward programmer type. Wait, no.. outspoken, arrogant, abrasive, and cold menace to society.
I'm feeling really weird. Like I'm having a nervous breakdown. But anyway.. who I am I personally think is pretty cool. Others tend to disagree. When they feel offended their retaliation is pretty brutal. I often wonder if I should get into a war, and I usually don't, citing "I'm not trying to insult anyone, I'm minding my own business," but then the thrusts keep connecting with my left side, and I end up having a group, feeling victorious, smiling and grining right up to my face. So, I'm not trying to insult anyone, but then these jabs, when I don't respond to them, and the grins of these idiots after, get to me.. and I start thinking: WTF am I doing?
So what do I do? Fight with fire, or take it like a man? Smile like an idiot?
I might be a control freak. I don't like bossing people around, but I feel myself wanting and aiming to have one over everyone whenever THEY try to tell me what to do, or whenever they begin to become manipulative around me. I like being the best in the group, and I don't care if anyone else knows that I'm the best, as long as I'm sure that I am. Maybe they can see it on my face? I think I'm better than them. Maybe I don't have to run around and rub it in for people to try to cut me down.
I hate it when people try to cut me down. It just infuriates me, and then I also get the sense that I have something to prove. So I start rubbing it in, half-assed, and like an amateur, then I start seeing it: this shit is real.
After seeing it all, and living with it, I'm now, more than ever, not really wanting to go out of my way to address anyone's bullshit. I'm ready to accept the jabs and the cheap shots, and the sucker punches, and I'm ready to fight battles as necessary. But I how do I remain at peace?
Straight up, I've seen some E_TJ assholes blast their way up the corporate ladder (or wherever they are trying to go), not looking to even have broken a sweat. So I'm wondering what I'm missing here. They are assholes, they are seen as assholes, they boss people around, they are usually aggressive, and more often than not, no one can touch them. Cheap shots and jabs bounce off, and like clockwork, the ENTJ strikes back and shuts up the idiot that dared. They saw it coming. How do they do that? ENTJs, how do you do that? How do you deal? What am I doing wrong?