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Thread: Friends? Maybe?

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    Junior Member Chalvaks's Avatar
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    Default Friends? Maybe?

    I'm tired of being a lurker, first off.

    Second, I might be here because I find that as an INTJ friends are few and far in between. I do have them, but they have all gone off to different places. The ones I have here are what I like to call "bottom scum". Yes, I know that is harsh and maybe a little arrogant (as I see many people classify my type as) but it comes with months of dealing with others who have tried to force change. I mean change like: you should be more like us peppy, loud and do smile.

    I guess this post is a mini-vent as well, but to other INTJs, do you find it hard to find friends who let you be who you are? And in return if you find such friends do you allow them to be who they are?

    Or is this normal? Am I just bound to find a good person who lets me be me and I let be them every ten years or so? And if so, what should do in between?

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    Consulting Detective Mr. Sherlock Holmes's Avatar
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    I aint no INTJ, but I find that if I just be myself, most people will leave me alone for the most part. The better ones will become my friends. Here's my list.

    INTP
    INFP
    ISFP
    ISTP
    ISTP - This second one's not so close anymore.
    ISFJ

    And sometimes they do want me to be more like them but for the most part, we accept each other. Though I'm not entirely innocent in that regard either. I often tell my ISFP friend she needs to THINK about something she's doing before she goes ahead with it, and that she should view her romantic relationships in a less shallow and materialistic way, annd then she gets pissed off with me and won't talk.

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    Cheeseburgers freeeekyyy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chalvaks View Post
    I'm tired of being a lurker, first off.

    Second, I might be here because I find that as an INTJ friends are few and far in between. I do have them, but they have all gone off to different places. The ones I have here are what I like to call "bottom scum". Yes, I know that is harsh and maybe a little arrogant (as I see many people classify my type as) but it comes with months of dealing with others who have tried to force change. I mean change like: you should be more like us peppy, loud and do smile.

    I guess this post is a mini-vent as well, but to other INTJs, do you find it hard to find friends who let you be who you are? And in return if you find such friends do you allow them to be who they are?

    Or is this normal? Am I just bound to find a good person who lets me be me and I let be them every ten years or so? And if so, what should do in between?
    I think, speaking for myself, that learning about typology and being able to understand people as part of a system has helped me dramatically to be more accepting of those who are different from myself. Being able to relate to people on their level makes building a friendship so much easier. You can't expect the other party to take action always, sometimes you have to just do it yourself. It's easier to change your own attitude towards them than to show them where their attitudes need to change. Over time, with proper treatment, people get the idea, and start to return the favor and treat you better.
    You lose.

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    Consulting Detective Mr. Sherlock Holmes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freeeekyyy View Post
    I think, speaking for myself, that learning about typology and being able to understand people as part of a system has helped me dramatically to be more accepting of those who are different from myself. Being able to relate to people on their level makes building a friendship so much easier. You can't expect the other party to take action always, sometimes you have to just do it yourself. It's easier to change your own attitude towards them than to show them where their attitudes need to change. Over time, with proper treatment, people get the idea, and start to return the favor and treat you better.
    Yeah, I know what you mean. A bit both ways is the best thing.

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    Junior Member Chalvaks's Avatar
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    A bit of both way is the ideal... but it seems that a lot of people don't think further than their nose when it comes to relationships.

    Right now, I'm just a burned INTJ...burned to the point where I'm just about to say screw the world...

    Why is it so hard for people to understand others? Most people...I know there are some that are mature enough to see pass differences.

    If someone does not smile....that does NOT mean that they are mad or sad... maybe they just don't smile for reason of...I don't know...THEY JUST DON'T.

    And this perception of INTJs being cold and evil only stems from other people pushing so many darn buttons that the only way to handle a situation, without going postal, is to appear to shut down. If people just treated us like...what...I don't know...PEOPLE...they might see that we are sensitive souls who truly care for the well being of others and love to movies to analyze them rather than enjoy them for the shoot em' up bang bangness...

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    Consulting Detective Mr. Sherlock Holmes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chalvaks View Post
    If someone does not smile....that does NOT mean that they are mad or sad... maybe they just don't smile for reason of...I don't know...THEY JUST DON'T.
    This reminds me of a bit from Daria (who rarely smiles).

    "Okay, but you know what I've been hearing? "You know how I feel, Daria. You're gloomy. I knew I can talk to you, Daria. You're always miserable." Tragedy hits the school and everyone thinks of me. A popular guy died, and now I'm popular because I'm the misery chick. But I'm not miserable. I'm just not like them. "

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    i love skylights's Avatar
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    can you hunt down INFPs? i'm only partially kidding. they're pretty much the most accepting, least pushy type. they might be good soul soothers.

    Why is it so hard for people to understand others? Most people...I know there are some that are mature enough to see pass differences.

    If someone does not smile....that does NOT mean that they are mad or sad... maybe they just don't smile for reason of...I don't know...THEY JUST DON'T.
    i think that usually people mean well... and it's just hard to see outside your personal box, especially if your way of seeing things is reinforced by those around you. if someone's friends or family are mostly loud, smiley, and exuberant, then they come to associate being EXTRA loud, smiley and exuberant with being happy, and then, in genuine concern for you, they want to you be that way too. because they do genuinely want you to be happy as well...

    i think especially for ExxPs we can misinterpret IxxJs because our place of security - that is, being totally free and unfettered and with lots of options for interaction - is rather different than your place of security, and we assume that because we would not feel comfortable in your situation, we want to help you out of it. and being ExxP and all it's not like we always put all that much thought into it...

    it really could also simply be worth mentioning that just because you're not smiling doesn't mean you're not happy.

    i actually really don't understand the INTJ stereotype of "cold/evil". well, i sort of do, but IRL the INTJs i know are very protective and loving. i hope you can find some friends who appreciate you for you again.

    your avatar is lovely btw. i'd love to be at that table right now.

  8. #8
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chalvaks View Post
    A bit of both way is the ideal... but it seems that a lot of people don't think further than their nose when it comes to relationships.

    Why is it so hard for people to understand others? Most people...I know there are some that are mature enough to see pass differences.

    If someone does not smile....that does NOT mean that they are mad or sad... maybe they just don't smile for reason of...I don't know...THEY JUST DON'T.

    And this perception of INTJs being cold and evil only stems from other people pushing so many darn buttons that the only way to handle a situation, without going postal, is to appear to shut down. If people just treated us like...what...I don't know...PEOPLE...they might see that we are sensitive souls who truly care for the well being of others and love to movies to analyze them rather than enjoy them for the shoot em' up bang bangness...
    Alot of people don't think further than their nose about anything. At the risk of falling into our stereotype of being arrogant or uncaring, it seems less about not understanding others and more about not sharing their values. I understand other people have other interests, other priorities, other ways of interacting with the world. I do my best to translate this understanding into tolerance and cooperation when I interact with people not of my choosing, e.g. at work, doctor's office, etc. I do not feel compelled to befriend all these people, though. I reserve friendship for those that share more similar values -- not that they have to be just like me, that would be boring. But we have to have at least some common ground on which to base a long-term relationship, be it romantic or friendly. Few meet this threshold, but some do. And yes, the best way to bring out the cold/evil side of me is to try to make me be like you when I'm not.

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