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[INTJ] I need INTJ help!

awwsha

New member
Joined
Sep 1, 2010
Messages
55
MBTI Type
ESFP
I would much appreciate it if some of you all could help me understand!

I had a complete falling out with a friend that is an INTJ.

There are certain things about me that bug the heck out of her. Things I dont believe I can really change. But she is completely into changing me to fit this standard of perfection she has set. I would love if someone could explain WHY these things bother her so much, because I dont get it, and she doesnt know why it irritates her. It just does.

My "imperfections":

-Interupting. She can't stand it. I cant tell you how many times I have been lectured about it by her. It's not that I am trying to be rude...I just generally cant wait another second to say something or I feel like I am going to explode.

-I don't take things seriously. It really bothered her that I would prop up my feet in class, or joke with the teachers and students around me. :D She thought I didnt take life seriously, and would end up nowhere in life.

-I didnt think about the future. Probably her biggest issue. I tend to be whimsical, all over the place, and never know where I am off to next. Drove her mad. She thinks everyone needs a life plan. Even if she was going to make it for me. She was trying to pick out my career :doh:

-I 'run away' from my problems. I do really hate to face them. I like to go take a nap, or a walk and think about other things. Then I bounce back like everything is ok. She thinks everything needs to be worked out verbally or written out and discussed to solve things directly.

-I'm ditzy. Yes. Apparently I come across as stupid. :smile:

---I stopped all contact with her after she not only cussed me out repeatedly, and then wrote me a five page letter outlining all my faults so that I could fix them. It was too much drama, I am not particularly loyal, and it wasn't worth all the strife. It was to the point where I was getting depressed about it. I hate being sad.

Now however, she wants to be friends again. Says she wants to apologize, because she really misses me. Is there any way on earth it would work for us to even be on speaking terms? Or am I basically going to annoy her no matter what? :steam:
 

Dyoni

New member
Joined
Jul 15, 2010
Messages
86
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
1
This sounds weird to me. She contacted you to reconcile? At least for me, when I shun someone it is very permanent.

Why does this relationship mean so much to you? You guys don't seem compatible at all.
 

awwsha

New member
Joined
Sep 1, 2010
Messages
55
MBTI Type
ESFP
She never directly shunned me. She expected me to take her advice. Instead I cut her off. So it was more my decision than hers.

We aren't very compatible. But I cant help forgiving her when she is verbally abusive, and trying again. I just can't stay angry at anyone, and believe in second..third..tenth chances.

I should mention she is not a healthy INTJ. She comes from a family that was abusive..It doenst mean all that much to me. It means a lot to her for some reason. The reason it bothers me is that she has dragged out mutual friends into it, and has quite efficiently gotten them all bugging the crap out of me, trying to convince me to be friends with her.
 

Dyoni

New member
Joined
Jul 15, 2010
Messages
86
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
1
As an INTJ, I definitely identify with people thinking I'm being a jerk when I'm actually trying to help. But it sounds like she's treating you as some sort of project that she needs to 'fix.' That's not healthy for either of you.

It does complicate things since you have mutual friends, but just explain to them that you think it is better for both of you if you don't hang out anymore.

"Tenth chances?" Really? No one deserves that many chances.
 

awwsha

New member
Joined
Sep 1, 2010
Messages
55
MBTI Type
ESFP
Thanks so much!

I kind of figured such..but I tend to like confirmation before I do something :unsure:
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
I think the habitual interruption thing is a respect issue that I wouldn't be okay with in a very close friend, but other than that she needs to live and let live.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
She's probably right, though, about the rest. Perhaps she shouldn't have said these things, or said them the way she did, or harped on them so. It may be healthiest (and most pleasant) to have her out of your life, but if you save that 5-page letter, you might be surprised how many of those things come back to bite you over the years.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
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sx/so
I'd write her a letter myself, explaining that these things are part of who you are, explaining how they look from your pov and stating very clearly that her pov on the world isn't the only one out there. That you care for her friendship but you don't see how you can overcome the issues between you as she clearly has trouble accepting the person you are. I'd ask her for a solution for that (as she's so hellbent on fixing things), you might trigger her Fi that way, self-reflecting things.


Also..very important question to ask her:

Why does this friendship mean so much to her? Why does she like *you*?

It's a question INTJs have a hard time answering, ime, as they tend to only see what is wrong with the world (not just you, just with the world, lol). You'll find that one of the reasons they tend to like EXFPs, is coz we are the exact opposite..we enjoy life and try to see the good. They just don't always know that :D

Let her figure it out. Stay your distance unless she does. Good luck! :hug:
 

Rex

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
600
MBTI Type
INTJ
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Send her that info page about your MBTI score.
she will figure out the rest herself.

And you can take it from there with her.
 

digesthisickness

✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
3,248
MBTI Type
ENTP
if you're a guy, or whatever sex she's into, i'd think she's in love.
 

awwsha

New member
Joined
Sep 1, 2010
Messages
55
MBTI Type
ESFP
I'd write her a letter myself, explaining that these things are part of who you are, explaining how they look from your pov and stating very clearly that her pov on the world isn't the only one out there. That you care for her friendship but you don't see how you can overcome the issues between you as she clearly has trouble accepting the person you are. I'd ask her for a solution for that (as she's so hellbent on fixing things), you might trigger her Fi that way, self-reflecting things.

A letter is a good idea! Thank you so much for your advice :) :)


Send her that info page about your MBTI score.
she will figure out the rest herself.

And you can take it from there with her.

I have thought about this. We had a huge discussion about this...because she does not believe anything I have 'issues' with has anything to do with personality. She seems to think everyone is the same, it just all has to do with upbringing? I could never act like her. Even if I didnt interupt etc etc.

if you're a guy, or whatever sex she's into, i'd think she's in love.

I am a straight female, and she is also a straight female..at least that is what she says, and by her great love of men I am assuming it is true.
 

Moonstone3

New member
Joined
Jun 10, 2010
Messages
182
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
9, 5
Hmmm... I don't try to fix people. That's their business, but I'd cut them out if we were not on the same 'life path.' This can go two ways.
1)I would tell her that she clearly doesn't like you. Or more bluntly put-doesn't enjoy your company. Don't even ask why she wants the friendship back. You shouldn't be made to feel that something is wrong with you.It's your life, as she sees it-you may be wasting it-but that's your business. Maybe your goal in life is not the destination, but rather the ride.
2)Maybe she realizes what she has done. People are capable of change. If you do consider the friendship, let her know up front you are who you are, and if she pulls anymore shinnanigans, you will opt out. It's a fair warning.
 

Mr. Sherlock Holmes

Consulting Detective
Joined
Aug 10, 2010
Messages
1,450
MBTI Type
JiNe
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5W4
INTJ and ESFP is never a perfect relationship. They're just so different. Polar opposites, basically. Simplest solution to any problem like this? Compromise. Try to put some effort into some of these problems, most importantly, I'd say, the one about facing your problems, because I know all to well that running away doesn't help. With every relationship there needs to be give on both sides. I think it's very INT to write someone a letter outlining their faults. I've felt inclined to do that to people at times. But think of it this way. You both have stuff to offer each other. You can offer her more fun and freedom and she can offer you a road to getting on more successfully in life and facing problems properly. Neither of you seem entirely healthy.
 

Shiet_Happens

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Sep 12, 2010
Messages
85
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INTJ
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5w6?
lol the same thing happened with me and my friend, except hes ISFP
and it was only the last three "problems" that annoyed me with him

but i only apoligized when i realized how awkward my remaining years of school would of been cuz we see each other almost everyday AND our families were close, oh well...
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
I agree that you really should stop interrupting her. Really try, because that involves other people, not just you. It's rude.

But other than that, your friend is being very controlling. Everything else she complains about is really none of her concern. It's one thing to do things that bug other people. It's another thing entirely for her to try to tell you who to be otherwise, and you should let her know that.

I can't really say if you'll always annoy her. You might. If you think that's the case, move on, but if you want to give your friendship one more chance I hope you can work things out.
 

awwsha

New member
Joined
Sep 1, 2010
Messages
55
MBTI Type
ESFP
but i only apoligized when i realized how awkward my remaining years of school would of been cuz we see each other almost everyday AND our families were close, oh well...

Haha...yes. I tend to run into her everywhere. Which in most cases I wave and smile..and she kind of glared in my general direction.

I agree that you really should stop interrupting her. Really try, because that involves other people, not just you. It's rude.

I've been trying. It is something I work at. Or at least around certain people. My dear father has been rebuking me about it since I learned how to talk. After 19 years...I am getting better at not interrupting him.

I wrote her, and she wrote back. I told her it really wouldn't work to ever be close friends again. Mostly because she would just eventually get irritated again. But I would like if we can be friendly instead of her hating me...She seems okay with that.

Here I thought that all my drama would end in highschool. :shrug:
 

Heart&Brain

New member
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Mar 29, 2009
Messages
217
MBTI Type
ENFP
My 13 year old ESTP-daughter have taught me to deflect our common problem of impulsive interrupting eachother by mock-sneering "Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting you!!!"

Just saying that when both persons involved can admit it's impolite to interrupt and both are aware that when it happens (it's impulsive, right?) it's really not out of disrespect or malicious intent, then the situation can be solved with humour rather than anger.
 
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