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Thread: Help!

  1. #1
    Giggity Vie's Avatar
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    Default Help!

    I know that there are several ENTJ threads going on right now and some of them do have to do with relationships -- but from what I've gathered, nearly all of us when in a romantic situation become...clingy.

    I haven't really dated around and when I do, I find myself becoming so wrapped up in that person that I can't focus on anything else. It's not creepy stalkerish, more of...they are always on my mind. I'm curious as to if this is, once again, a personal fault or something that other people have noticed happens to them.

    I replay conversations in my head with that person, continually questioning what I did wrong and how to fix it -- even if there isn't anything wrong. I become paranoid when they don't call back or text, even if they are busy -- therefore texting more and more until then I do come across as a fucking loon.

    I also have the bad habit of become angry when my expectations aren't met -- even if I never told them my expectations. I expect them to know what I want and to follow through and when they don't (of course they don't) I become either a) livid or b) depressed.

    How do you deal with it, if you have had this feeling?
    Any advice is welcome as I really don't want to lose this person again (which I seem to already be doing. Again.)

  2. #2
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    Breathe, calm yourself down. Assume the best. Set up the next time yall are going out and then dont dwell on it. Cultivate your Se, enjoy the moments youre with them and don't get caught up in the possibilities of what might be.

    I am not qualified to give relationshipping advice, but there's some anyway.

  3. #3
    ReflecTcelfeR
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    Quote Originally Posted by vieamemusique View Post
    I know that there are several ENTJ threads going on right now and some of them do have to do with relationships -- but from what I've gathered, nearly all of us when in a romantic situation become...clingy.

    I haven't really dated around and when I do, I find myself becoming so wrapped up in that person that I can't focus on anything else. It's not creepy stalkerish, more of...they are always on my mind. I'm curious as to if this is, once again, a personal fault or something that other people have noticed happens to them.

    I replay conversations in my head with that person, continually questioning what I did wrong and how to fix it -- even if there isn't anything wrong. I become paranoid when they don't call back or text, even if they are busy -- therefore texting more and more until then I do come across as a fucking loon.

    I also have the bad habit of become angry when my expectations aren't met -- even if I never told them my expectations. I expect them to know what I want and to follow through and when they don't (of course they don't) I become either a) livid or b) depressed.

    How do you deal with it, if you have had this feeling?
    Any advice is welcome as I really don't want to lose this person again (which I seem to already be doing. Again.)
    How long have you been with him, or been seeing him?

  4. #4
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    I can only speak as an observer and it may or may not help.

    My oldest sister is ENTJ and I noticed a common thread in all of her relationships.

    She has a very clear idea of what she want the relationship to be and how things should work. She proceeds to work toward that goal without even clearly articulating to her partner what she is trying to achieve. If things are not on course enough for her, she proceeds to use force to achieve her goals. Intimidation, deliberate confrontations, criticism, and 'laying down the law'. She wants the relationship to WORK and it can blind her to what methods she is using to achieve that.

    What is really amazing is that she couldn't understand what was wrong about this. When I pointed that her partner didn't see what she saw, she snarled, "Why not?" Now, I can understand it--she saw what their relationship could be and she wanted to get there. She saw the way and went for it. Partner perceives it as her being a castrating, controlling bitch and proceeds to move on. She has finally come to understand that it really okay to relinquish some of her control and to sometimes swim with the current instead of trying to change the course of the river.

    I think it takes someone special to understand female ENTJs. Along with other female NTs, we kind of lie outside the spectrum of what is feminine to a lot of people. It's not easy at all and can put us in a bad frame in a relationship.

    I think you'll get there.

  5. #5
    Giggity Vie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReflecttcelfeR View Post
    How long have you been with him, or been seeing him?
    On and off again for about four years.

    I've decided that I just need to go with the flow -- but I don't even know where to begin to do that, bahah. I become so confrontational when he doesn't do/say what I want him to -- even though he isn't doing anything wrong.

    Even though he says I've changed, I can tell he's still weary about me. I am an honest person and I feel that if I'm honest or vulnerable with him that he will use it against me (like he did in the past) and I can't ever go through that again.

    The unfortunate thing about it is, I've become really flippant about our "relationship" as though it means nothing. I can tell it bothers him -- but isn't flippant the way to be!? I appreciate honest feelings (and him typed as an INTP, I'm sure he does too), but I really don't know if that's the best call here.

  6. #6
    Giggity Vie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redbone View Post
    I can only speak as an observer and it may or may not help.

    My oldest sister is ENTJ and I noticed a common thread in all of her relationships.

    She has a very clear idea of what she want the relationship to be and how things should work. She proceeds to work toward that goal without even clearly articulating to her partner what she is trying to achieve. If things are not on course enough for her, she proceeds to use force to achieve her goals. Intimidation, deliberate confrontations, criticism, and 'laying down the law'. She wants the relationship to WORK and it can blind her to what methods she is using to achieve that.

    What is really amazing is that she couldn't understand what was wrong about this. When I pointed that her partner didn't see what she saw, she snarled, "Why not?" Now, I can understand it--she saw what their relationship could be and she wanted to get there. She saw the way and went for it. Partner perceives it as her being a castrating, controlling bitch and proceeds to move on. She has finally come to understand that it really okay to relinquish some of her control and to sometimes swim with the current instead of trying to change the course of the river.

    I think it takes someone special to understand female ENTJs. Along with other female NTs, we kind of lie outside the spectrum of what is feminine to a lot of people. It's not easy at all and can put us in a bad frame in a relationship.

    I think you'll get there.
    EXACTLY. The last time I was with him, I was SO CONTROLLING it was literally sickening.

    Yet tonight when I was talking to him he called me the exact opposite, telling me I let people walk over me (especially those who resemble Hugh Laurie, which he does). And it's true. I knew what I was doing wrong last time, so I "let him" control me -- yet, I'm manipulating him into thinking that.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by vieamemusique View Post
    On and off again for about four years.

    I've decided that I just need to go with the flow -- but I don't even know where to begin to do that, bahah. I become so confrontational when he doesn't do/say what I want him to -- even though he isn't doing anything wrong.
    Does he not do what you want on purpose, do you think he does?

    Quote Originally Posted by vieamemusique View Post
    Even though he says I've changed, I can tell he's still weary about me. I am an honest person and I feel that if I'm honest or vulnerable with him that he will use it against me (like he did in the past) and I can't ever go through that again.

    The unfortunate thing about it is, I've become really flippant about our "relationship" as though it means nothing. I can tell it bothers him -- but isn't flippant the way to be!? I appreciate honest feelings (and him typed as an INTP, I'm sure he does too), but I really don't know if that's the best call here.
    Do you not value the relationship anymore? If so, do you think you can get over that? If you can't it may be time to call it quits. I'm sure I have only .5% of the whole story, so this may not be helping at all.

  8. #8
    Giggity Vie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReflecttcelfeR View Post
    Does he not do what you want on purpose, do you think he does?



    Do you not value the relationship anymore? If so, do you think you can get over that? If you can't it may be time to call it quits. I'm sure I have only .5% of the whole story, so this may not be helping at all.

    I think he's testing me, seeing where I'm at and if I can keep in control of my emotions. Therefore, I try to have COMPLETE control of my emotions (by not having any) when I'm with him so I pass his "test".

    I've never valued anything more than I do than my relationship with him. That's the problem, I think.

  9. #9
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    Hmmm... I'd say that perhaps you have given him a little too much control. I don't know your normal state of being, but this seems like an extremely altered version of it. If you feel something show it! Don't give him control of what makes you, you. I don't know though.

  10. #10
    Giggity Vie's Avatar
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    As an INTP, do you at times become emotionally...stonewall? Like I've seen him be there for me and lets me see the real him. But it seems as though he is trying to prove something to me as well by this....lack of a better word, wall.

    For example. A guy sent me flowers and I had no idea who. He asked me, "Who sent YOU flowers?" "I was just as surprised as you, don't worry." "You obviously know it wasn't me...are you dating anyone?" "No, I don't date." "What?" "I see people, I don't date."
    "Oh right. You don't date, you see people, and oh wait there is that kid I occasionally f***." Then for the next couple days, he was real short with me.

    I wasn't quite sure what to say to this, but to me it seemed as though he was slightly hurt. I don't really know as in the four years I've known him, I still don't have him pegged. You INTPs stump me, bahaha.

    The part that makes me so clingy and irrationally attached is because I don't know what it is that he wants or where he sees this going -- or how I should go about confronting him about it. If I push too hard, it seems that he shuts down emotionally. Rather frightening actually.

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