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  1. #1
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Default I want some serious advice

    I want advice. Good advice.

    My life is a fucking mess. I haven't really worked in over a year. I don't know what I want, both immediately and long term. I like the idea of having a family but I'm also obsessed with spirituality and meditative-like disciplines.

    I have family problems. My mom thinks I'm nuts for trying to help her become happier. She thinks I'm all wrong but I know I'm not. I think it's a long process that isn't easy at first as you give up your addictions and confront fears. I try to help her and have helped both my brothers, but I don't know if my way is the best way. I think it's good. Related to this, I don't trust anyone's opinion unless they can prove to me that they're better at understanding people than I am, or, better at understanding motivations and outcomes. You can call it wisdom. It sounds incredibly arrogant, I know, but I think I'm good at it, having practiced and contemplated this stuff for years. I think I've become really good at helping others and have references to prove it. But that knowledge doesn't translate into action for me.

    Part of the problem is that I just don't manage to pull things together. I have opportunities, but I neglect them. I don't ever make decisions and step forward, I just circle around and around with everything up in the air. It's not that I can't, it's that I don't, but who knows, maybe I can't. I look at people I admire--Einstein, Feynman, Buddha--and I see how much they accomplished through dedication. I just can't get it together and don't even know where to start. Psychology? Spirituality? Legal reform? I have no fucking idea.

    I struggle with fears and authenticity. I've come a long, long way, but I still have a lot to go in the way of self-forgiveness and faith. (Faith that things will be okay.)

    I need some advice. I won't just strike down your suggestions, but I will listen critically. I am thinking of taking a trip somewhere far away and being alone for a while. Also, no pity, please. It makes me uncomfortable. Thanks in advance. Even if you don't have advice, I'd appreciate your thoughts. Also, please no MBTI talk. Sorry, thanks.

  2. #2
    Giggity Vie's Avatar
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    This is going to sound awful to say, and I really don't want it to come out that way, but...

    It may seem harder than it is, but you really just have to make the first step to fixing your life. Once you do that, it's a snow ball effect. You still have to work at it, but the hardest part is done.

    I can't say that I've ever been in your position before, but I do understand the sentiment of wanting to helped loved ones. But you have to look out for number one and if helping people (even if you believe in unconditional love), you have to take care of yourself first.

    You say that you get opportunities and that you neglect them -- have you asked yourself why you do this? What is the underlying issue or reason behind this seemingly self-sabotage? It may seem like a silly, unanswerable question -- but answer that and you can begin to work on solving your issues.

  3. #3
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    I know exactly what you're feeling. No, I'm not jobless myself, and haven't been ever. But I have struggled a lot, especially the first few years, in order to get myself to work. And even now, I sometimes catch myself at making mistakes solely because my mind wanders and I lack dedication in my work. I've been pretty good at solving the problems that arise and find enough dedication to do my job and a little extra now. But that hasn't always been like that.

    It was really hard for me to go from "I want to do what I want to do now and nothing else. Just being myself." to "If I do this I can do the things I want to do and be myself later.".

    And even now I sometimes fail at it. Luckily, my job is very diverse and nothing is routine. I think that helps greatly. Whenever I get stuck in a pattern for a few days I grow exceedingly bored of it and will fall back into my old patterns. Frustration about colleagues not doing their jobs properly, ironically leading to me not doing my job properly, doesn't always help either.

    I've learned to distance myself when it happens so it doesn't become a problem now.

    Taking some time off. A week or two. Just to be alone does help me. I have gone on little 'vacations' a few times and my job also put me in other countries alone from time to time, and although it can be annoying from time to time, as I tend to get itchy to do things since my body is used to work. The peace it brings my mind is great, and unrestrained days solely for myself are the best.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  4. #4
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Thank you for replying, my comment below.

    Quote Originally Posted by vieamemusique View Post
    This is going to sound awful to say, and I really don't want it to come out that way, but...
    No this is good. The harsher the better.

    It may seem harder than it is, but you really just have to make the first step to fixing your life. Once you do that, it's a snow ball effect. You still have to work at it, but the hardest part is done.
    I kind of know this, and it's true. But I want to be sure that my snowball rolls in the right direction and really, I'm not sure what direction that is. Be big? Be humble? Be dedicated? Be alone? Have a family?

    I can't say that I've ever been in your position before, but I do understand the sentiment of wanting to helped loved ones. But you have to look out for number one and if helping people (even if you believe in unconditional love), you have to take care of yourself first.
    I don't think I'm sacrificing myself, but it's an interesting point, because I think sacrifice motivates people well. It motivates me and I'm at a loss of motivation and purpose. I agree with what you said, though, completely, and I want to "clean myself up" before I start cleaning other people, just so I know I'm doing it right.

    You say that you get opportunities and that you neglect them -- have you asked yourself why you do this? What is the underlying issue or reason behind this seemingly self-sabotage? It may seem like a silly, unanswerable question -- but answer that and you can begin to work on solving your issues.
    I think about it often. I hesitate to step forward. I don't fully know why. The concept of progress has become linked with fear or depression. Not a huge depression because I am not depressed, just a sharp micro-depression. It turns me off. I get lazy, tired, and do something more interesting. It might be lack of discipline. It might also be a fear of failing and humiliating myself.

  5. #5
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    I know exactly what you're feeling. No, I'm not jobless myself, and haven't been ever. But I have struggled a lot, especially the first few years, in order to get myself to work. And even now, I sometimes catch myself at making mistakes solely because my mind wanders and I lack dedication in my work. I've been pretty good at solving the problems that arise and find enough dedication to do my job and a little extra now. But that hasn't always been like that.

    It was really hard for me to go from "I want to do what I want to do now and nothing else. Just being myself." to "If I do this I can do the things I want to do and be myself later.".

    And even now I sometimes fail at it. Luckily, my job is very diverse and nothing is routine. I think that helps greatly. Whenever I get stuck in a pattern for a few days I grow exceedingly bored of it and will fall back into my old patterns. Frustration about colleagues not doing their jobs properly, ironically leading to me not doing my job properly, doesn't always help either.

    I've learned to distance myself when it happens so it doesn't become a problem now.

    Taking some time off. A week or two. Just to be alone does help me. I have gone on little 'vacations' a few times and my job also put me in other countries alone from time to time, and although it can be annoying from time to time, as I tend to get itchy to do things since my body is used to work. The peace it brings my mind is great, and unrestrained days solely for myself are the best.
    That is good advice about delayed gratification. I think I'll take a camping trip this weekend by myself. Thank you.

  6. #6
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post

    What would you tell yourself if you were one of your brothers? Do you know why you don't want to take your own advice, or is it difficult to see yourself objectively like that?
    It's not that, we're just stubborn. We know what should be done, but we just don't like to be the norm, us ntp's.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  7. #7
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Sorry folks - woulda sworn that was in the main NT forum a minute ago. *skulks away embarrassedly*

  8. #8
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Do the next thing. You don't have to solve it all at once, but you can't remain immobile. What's one small, doable thing you've been putting off until you get everything figured out? Get it done.

    What would you tell yourself if you were one of your brothers? Do you know why you don't want to take your own advice, or is it difficult to see yourself objectively like that?
    I can't see myself from the outside, I can only think of it from the inside. From the inside, I would tell myself to 1) stop pissing my time away on the internet 2) keep meditating and opening my heart 3) let the answers come to me and not press so hard for solutions 4) trust in silence.

    It's not a very practical guide. It's all psychological.

    Character is made up of little choices every day which when repeated over and over become habits, which become what you are known for. Do you like what you are known for so far? What do you wish to be known for? What small choices would contribute towards that?
    If I died today, I think I would be happy with the way people remembered me. But if I was 50 and had the same psychological diffusion, it would be embarrassing. If I was 50, I would want to have contributed to something--a new understanding of the mind, life, and relationship. A small choice would probably be grad school, which I'm supposed to reply to by this Friday to indicate if I want to attend or not. But I'm having doubts about that too, mainly about the cost. I can go to a cheaper school and get the same degree.

  9. #9
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    It's not that, we're just stubborn. We know what should be done, but we just don't like to be the norm, us ntp's.
    Heh. Maybe true. For me though, I really see the norm as empty and miserable. I don't think many people are connected to their work, their partners, or themselves, and I think that's depressing.

  10. #10
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    I like the above ideas of removing the comfortable distractions. Go camping, unplug, maybe put the most distracting possessions you own in storage. Simplify your surroundings as a way to try to simplify your mind and life and realize what is really important.

    Do you think its that getting better at understanding and helping people has been your practice for so long that you don't have any other "accomplishments" to show for your time? I'm sorry to state it like that. If so, do you think you need to set the chain reaction in motion by accomplishing some smaller things and building your confidence? I have been through that.

    You want dedication for yourself. How about trying to introduce it from within and without? Do you think it would help to just have "set goals and achieve" be your mantra for a while? Is there anyway to bring some external pressure on yourself that you would respond to? You could create deadlines for yourself, and even involve the people that care about you in "enforcing" them to create some impetus and thus some momentum. If you are stuck in a groove, perhaps permitting yourself less opportunity to ruminate would help. Take on more, be under more obligations. Obviously all this might offend your desire for authenticity. But it could be temporary until you get yourself free of inertia and in balance.

    Just some thoughts, they may be completely wrong for your situation.

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