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  1. #1
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    Default Please help my mom, she's stupid :)

    My mother has a problem. She can't do money. She was fed all her life by her family, then my dad, then after divorce my grandma took care of her. I fear that very soon she will have to sell her house which is the only thing she got from my dad aside from years of abuse. She's really frigging miserable.

    I tried to help her out by:

    1. introducing her to multilevel marketing which has a support structure ideal for someone with a weak character to at least fit in and learn a few things even if she does not succeed. She made friends but made no money. Initially these people were trying to help her in many ways but they all gave up on her because of her lack of self esteem or character/drive.

    2. teaching her about money and the psychology she needs to have (spent a whole day trying to figure out what the problem was and to give her a plan)

    Nothing works, short of just f***ing handing her cash which is what people did all her life, and what created the problem in the first place. She will spend that cash and then go on complaining that it's impossible to work because of unemployment blah blah blah.

    Honestly I'm getting sick of it. Initiative, zero. Spirit of self preservation, zero. Zero of everything just the shadow of a woman too fearful to even go outside of the house. CRAP! I can't stand my mom is like this.

    How do you build the first bit of confidence in someone who's got none and who's been beat up all their life and who sees nothing but scarcity?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Professional help? Medication? Anti-depressants help the most severe depressions the most, or whatever she has. Anti-psychotics tone down anxiety. Other than that, I don't know.

  3. #3
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    Professional help? Medication?
    Yes, counseling and meds maybe too.

    The most immediate thing to get ahold of is preventing her from losing her house. Once that happens she is in a very bad position.

    What are the odds she would rent part of the house (a room + a bathroom + use of kitchen. etc.) to a suitable tenant? That way she would at least have some extra income, hopefully some help keeping the place in order, and some human company.

    She needs to go to social services in your area and express her situation, and ask for any counseling, money management classes, life skills development training, anything to get her moving in the right direction.

    Is she religious? It seems like a church might have a program for women getting back on their feet.

    Get her away from credit cards. She needs a job. Even if it is a simple one, making very little money, she needs to stay busy, and earn some cash by herself. She will gain esteem by doing this, and hopefully meet some new folks to create a new support network for herself.

    Years of abuse and dysfunctional behavior cannot be undone overnight, but it is possible if the person has the will to do so and chooses to.

    FInally, don't beat yourself up over, you can help but only so much, as at some point helping becomes enabling, and you will lose quality in your life, and become resentful, and that does not help you or your Mom.

    I hope she gets help soon.
    Take care.

    -Halla
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  4. #4
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    She's not in immediate danger of losing the house but she has no plan nor hope of having an income so that's where this is going. She is not in debt (not a US citizen, fortunately not impacted by the credit card culture). She's not clinically depressed, just has very low self esteem, and nobody respects her. She drinks a bit too much (but she's not a alcoholic), that's in her family, she also smokes, and she exchanges affection with her dog because she's divorced, didn't get another guy, and doesn't have very good relationships with anyone. Her friends come over and brag about the money they stole from their ex husbands.

    She needs to grow some balls. I don't know how to give people balls. They don't participate.

    She just tested right in between ISFP (vaguely artistic and useless with money) and ISFJ (easy to get stepped on and have no self esteem).

    Seems she's doomed!

  5. #5
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Is she stupid or does she have a cultural expectation that children care for their parents in their later years?
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  6. #6
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Is she stupid or does she have a cultural expectation that children care for their parents in their later years?
    In this economy and, well, general culture, these two things are not mutually exclusive.
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

  7. #7
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    In this economy and, well, general culture, these two things are not mutually exclusive.
    Very true. It's why my mother lives with me despite being in relatively good health and not yet old enough to retire. She isn't really stupid, she's just made some pretty crazy decisions that have put her in a bad financial situation.

    Edit: The reason I mentioned it was that I thought I remembered that ocean's mother was not originally from the US. In many countries, children (especially sons) are the equivalent of Social Security, if I understand correctly.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Is she stupid or does she have a cultural expectation that children care for their parents in their later years?
    She expects nothing of this sort.

  9. #9
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    A line from Cowboy Bebop comes to mind: "The only cure for stupidity is death!"
    *wubs Faye Faye*

    On a serious note, some people need the risk of sink or swim to crash on them before they start to try swimming. Many consider it cruel, but many species on this planet take to this method and thrive.

    Edit: I should probably state that many of the methods I think up should be used as end of the line, last ditch efforts...
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  10. #10
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    My mom is a financial moron too. I'm quite mean to her about it. She needs to grow up and I feel verbal lashings are the only way to deal with a child. Sitting down with her to have a proper conversation is really beyond her capabilities.
    With dreamers, pure and simple, the imagination remains a vaguely sketched inner affair. It is not embodied in any aesthetic or practical invention. Reverie is the equivalent of weak desires. Dreamers are the aboulics of the creative imagination.

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