After a day of much discipline in which I did all the things I had planned with more drive than an entj, this is my evening dessert where I f***ing open the gates of hell and let all my P come out.

Theory: No action can be justified rationally without resorting to an arbitrary value system or judgment.

Values are usually absorbed early on and rarely change. The stability of values depends chiefly on the inability to see opposite and alternative values.

In my case, instability arises because upon reflection I perceive almost all value systems as being "pretty good" and yielding some interesting life goals, experiences and styles.



Although we differ incredibly in our emotional and intellectual development, we all have the same types of suffering in common, and no one will live forever (even if you do get to the singularity). Therefore aren't compassion and "entertaining fellow patients in the terminal illness room" the only *real* and non delusional parameters on which to position oneself ? Isn't everything else really an evil trick played by our DNA to make us fight and argue, when in reality we share the core of who we are, no matter what we do for a living or what our tastes are? All conflict is born of misunderstanding. The person who has a deep understanding of human nature can prevent untold amounts of suffering by mitigating conflict and helping selfish and desperate beings go forward instead of against each other.


One type of human dominates the world. The type which sees control as the highest motivator and is determined to consume himself in its pursuit. The rest of us are irresponsible, weak, pitiful and unmanly geeks, tools, helpers, housewives, esfps, unicorns, elephants with big ears or other types of dumbo resources to be exploited as cogs in the machine, bits in the CPU, to bring coffee, to create the 16 color icon, to write some intellectual BS while the powerful decide where the intercontinental ballistic missiles ought to be positioned. I do not want to be exploited, hence I must be the one to make the rules. Everything is BS if it doesn't result in more control, more money, more power. Oil, finance, media/mind control, and nuclear warheads are the way the game is played today. All actions must be evaluated based on their likelihood to acquire one of the above. When the game is played, weaklings all around dispose themselves in the direction of least attrition and offer themselves for control for petty cash sufficient to survive and replicate. They supply their own vaseline. Replication by the way is not an issue as we've tainted the vaccines and spiked the water. These are the laws of evolution by natural selection, the laws of the universe. When I crash your country's economy and steal all its infrastructure, leaving millions of families to die on the trash hills, I will feel nothing. I didn't make the rules. Blame the game, not the player. My descendants will have extreme lifespans and they will be the ones to call themselves humanity; they will travel to the stars, as a prize for having upheld the eternal rules and carried responsibly the burden of war placed on their shoulders at birth.


A tiny brain, a biological contraption, wetware, the machine I came to be in a universe immensely larger. Nothing, I have, if not the opportunity of looking out for a brief period of time, and to ask important questions - whether or not they will ever be answered. To understand, to encompass with the mind, to assimilate and simulate as much of the observable universe as our instruments can reveal, and then better those instruments. To enlarge my awareness to the immense and sharpen it down to the femtoscopic. Still trapped in my skull, I escape with knowledge all boundaries, even that of time itself. Though I have only two eyes and a 3d based visual cortex I can manipulate higher dimensional geometry with mathematics; though my neurons fire at a few cycles per second I can program a machine to execute billions of calculations faster than one of my perceptive instants. My mind is a telescope and I spend my life staring through its blurry lens, at fantastic and complex worlds afar.

Though others may battle to have supremacy over people and matter, I tackle something of my own size, the multiverse itself... and dive into the abyss of complexity I do not yet comprehend, wishing only to be enlarged, improved, enlightened and fascinated.


One and only one thing I know, that life is an illusion, a cocktail of the senses. Logic and rationality seem to hold some promise but eventually leave you right were you started. Where was I before being born? What is death? What is existence? What does it mean to live and feel, and why? Are there any other feelers out there, and how can I know, given that their presence is only revealed to me by the senses, which could be fallacious. Unless someone can answer these questions, science offers no values. The albedo of a distant star, calculated with the most magnificent theories or seen through the most expensive telescope is not as wonderful and mysterious as the redness of red. So, one thing I know - that I feel. Whether I really "exist through time" or just think I do by virtue of how my short term memory and senses are organized. I will go on feeling, see sunsets of all hues, kiss lips of all races, learn all languages and all instruments, embrace both pain and pleasure, feel to the fullest extent the spectrum of human emotions and beyond. I will travel, interact, and watch, without a goal other than to see, hear, touch, smell and explore. This is one thing that - without the shadow of a doubt - has been granted to me, for a time unknown. To go with anything else is human, but to believe it rational is mad.


Back to us...

The quest for meaning ends in no meaning. In a grey blur of all possible value system, a soul-less blend of all possible personalities.

What is the real I? Do I need a higher dimensional role model? Is this growing mind-base converging in any way onto any target? Or is it simply the proof that an IQ of 100 is pretty much ideal to get stuff done in today's world?

Is the image of "infinity", or "perfection", just a completely uniform gray area surrounded by an expensive frame on the wall of ideals?

I feel I am almost there, almost about to have that final intuition that will connect all these value-scapes, these personal timelines, these superheros into one single invincible existence-prism towering so high above the inhabitants of flatland that they cannot even conceptualize it.

However, shortly after I am sucked into a vortex and find myself again within my filthy, weak and fragile biological body, made of weak tendons and meat that you could make hamburgers with. Sad thought.

I am a blind, ignorant, stupid piece of meat, lost and with no compass in a universe of ideas, worlds, thoughts, conjectures and values. In front of me a fan rotates and I can describe that rotation with mathematics. An underpaid wage slave put this thing together, and the parts of it were molded in a hot and stinky factory by people living in tragic conditions.

Technology. Sine and cosine describing the motion. Society pumping out goods. The markets trending. All goes faster and faster, out of control. It all blurs, in time, into a gigantic grey thing.

At this point the thinking is confused enough for intuition to come in with irrational associations. Maybe the world really can be affected by the mind. Maybe reality is nothing. Maybe all realities exist, and the mind can allow me to travel to different places. The mind is primal. Qualia are primal.

I see objects, moving, oscillating, people's brains moving, creating outputs, working, earning, eating, buying and decorating houses, reproducing, even the frigging wallpaper has pattens, and subpatterns, and microscopic animals living on it...

Maybe the universe has no limit to its complexity because it doesn't really exist. Maybe existence is a matter of taste. Maybe mathematics exists though in a way we can't explain. By the way mathematics doesn't really care about cause and effect does it? Is 1+1=2 a cause or an effect? Mathematical relationships seem to just "be" because of an empty set of causes.

I need a higher dimensional role model and mentor to take me out of flatland, out of useless conundri and paradoxes. Someone who will show me how all the personalities I have built fit together, though in 2 dimensions they may seem to conflict. They are at important corners of the higher dimensional object they define.

No. This is simply the old, usual, human quest to find meaning, when the universe does not supply any such thing. We need meaning to move in the world, as if that mattered - moving is not important objectively. We need to move, to live, but living is not important objectively.

Nothing is important objectively, nothing is true objectively, nothing is good objectively, everything *is* without an adjective explaining *how* or what it is. Everything "Is", but nothing "is" something. Existence is real but equivalence or association isn't.

So I shouldn't worry about it.

Question is, who do I want to be tomorrow?

Here's the answer. I want to be the person whose eyes make the world beautiful, because I am going to have to live in that world. You really can travel to different worlds, just with your thoughts, and that is called growing, defining oneself, choosing the set of emotions you want to decorate your life with. Nothing is objective, but you get to choose what's out there for you tomorrow morning.