• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INTJ] INTJs: how to deal with over-friendly/clingy people you just met?

SamCarter

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INTJ
When I try to force myself to be friendly with strangers (or friends of friends) in social settings just to make some career networking contacts or because they are present at an event for one of my friends, sometimes I run into people take it the wrong way and suddenly they want to add me on Facebook, call/text me, go out for drinks, etc. I have a small circle of friends and no interest in adding to it at the moment unless the person is absolutely awesome. But there seems to be this certain type of person (which type? I'm pretty sure it starts with an E) that seems to have all of the time in the world to hang out and chat, and they always seem to gravitate toward me. Do they do this to everyone or do they single me out for being the quiet one? When I try and blow them off by saying things like "that would be nice" or "ok, maybe when I'm not so busy" they persist in trying to get me to commit to a date and place to go to hang out. To me it is kind of pathetic - don't you have any friends that WANT to hang out with you?

Do other INTJs have this problem and how do you deal with it (without offending the person since they might become a valuable business contact)? Or is this just me being overly anti-social? All I want to do is file these kinds of people away in my address book with a note as to what skills they have and where I met them, and that's really as far as I want that relationship to go until I need them or they need me for business. How do I tell that kind of person that I don't want to be a part of their BFF harem without screaming "GO AWAY!"? :confused:
 

spin-1/2-nuclei

New member
Joined
May 2, 2010
Messages
381
MBTI Type
INTJ
@ the OP...

I have experienced this often at conferences etc. I am typically okay with exchanging professional email info, but nothing else like IM, etc..

Luckily, I don't have a FB account so I can simply tell them I don't have one when I decline the offer to be added to their BFF list and usually that is all that needs to be said. Sometimes I get the ones that want to convert me to the FB community - still I always just nicely decline and tell them that it just isn't my thing... So hopefully a similar approach could work for you by saying something like "hey I don't typically use FB that often anymore, but I am on this site called LinkedIn" - and then proceed to exchange information with them.. chances are they will be okay with something like that and they might even have a linkedIn account...

I don't use it personally but a lot of my colleagues do - and it is specifically for business contacts etc - What is LinkedIn? | LinkedIn

My friends seem to like it for their business/professional contacts... hopefully it will be useful to you. Good luck. :)
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
Do they do this to everyone or do they single me out for being the quiet one? When I try and blow them off by saying things like "that would be nice" or "ok, maybe when I'm not so busy" they persist in trying to get me to commit to a date and place to go to hang out. To me it is kind of pathetic - don't you have any friends that WANT to hang out with you?
It sounds like you're being TOO friendly. Your replies give them "hope". Some people might interpret those replies as "he's interested but seems busy so let's think of a time when he's not so busy to make plans". Maybe say something like "no, I'm sorry, I'm really busy for the next few weeks."

Oh by the way, I'm ENFJ.
 

SamCarter

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INTJ
Thanks for the Linkedin suggestion; I'll have to sign up for that. I already have separate business cards - one with my phone number and one without so it makes sense to give them my "professional" profile. My FB one is hidden from search anyway so I can deny its existence.

And, yes, I guess I must come off as too friendly. I'm too good at faking it. :devil: I'll try to cut out the "yeah ok"s and replace them with "I'm sorry, I'm busy".
 

highlander

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
26,562
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
When I try to force myself to be friendly with strangers (or friends of friends) in social settings just to make some career networking contacts or because they are present at an event for one of my friends, sometimes I run into people take it the wrong way and suddenly they want to add me on Facebook, call/text me, go out for drinks, etc. I have a small circle of friends and no interest in adding to it at the moment unless the person is absolutely awesome. But there seems to be this certain type of person (which type? I'm pretty sure it starts with an E) that seems to have all of the time in the world to hang out and chat, and they always seem to gravitate toward me. Do they do this to everyone or do they single me out for being the quiet one? When I try and blow them off by saying things like "that would be nice" or "ok, maybe when I'm not so busy" they persist in trying to get me to commit to a date and place to go to hang out. To me it is kind of pathetic - don't you have any friends that WANT to hang out with you?

Do other INTJs have this problem and how do you deal with it (without offending the person since they might become a valuable business contact)? Or is this just me being overly anti-social? All I want to do is file these kinds of people away in my address book with a note as to what skills they have and where I met them, and that's really as far as I want that relationship to go until I need them or they need me for business. How do I tell that kind of person that I don't want to be a part of their BFF harem without screaming "GO AWAY!"? :confused:

Be nice; smile
Thank them; you're flattered
Be firm and direct
Give them a reason; any reason works but its better if its a god reason
Walk away so they don't have a chance to argue

That would be my opinion anyway.
 

highlander

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
26,562
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Thanks for the Linkedin suggestion; I'll have to sign up for that. I already have separate business cards - one with my phone number and one without so it makes sense to give them my "professional" profile. My FB one is hidden from search anyway so I can deny its existence.

And, yes, I guess I must come off as too friendly. I'm too good at faking it. :devil: I'll try to cut out the "yeah ok"s and replace them with "I'm sorry, I'm busy".

Fyi - there are less privacy features in LinkedIn than FB. You can't hide messages from a particular person for example though you can always delete them.
 

butthead

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2010
Messages
1
MBTI Type
INTP
You MUST set clear boundaries in all your relationships, business, friendship, family, and otherwise. If you don't, others will see you have blurred lines and that's how people you meet from business will want to hang out with you. In my experience, most people respect your boundaries. I tell people outright that I only call and add on Facebook close friends and family. Period. You are not anti-social by setting boundaries. You are anti-social by having a dysfunctional interaction with society and relationships, which happens particularly without setting proper boundaries.

I won't go over my long story from grad school of dealing with these kind of people (one in particular). Suffice it to say that in academia you're bound to meet the nerd-type desperate for attention and emotional security. The moral of the story is to be 100% genuine. Don't be afraid to show all sides of yourself to people you hang out with so you can attract the right kind of people. Don't be such a people pleaser (as I was). Otherwise you'll be enabling the ones who are desperate, giving them permission to suck your energy.
 

Spamtar

Ghost Monkey Soul
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
4,468
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
I have found being aloof and even flaky can help in those situations when you want to keep people at an arms-length distance. It comes more natural to me and I like to avoid hurting their feelings directly (if I do its a party foul). In fact one can become so good at it that they also keep most of their close friends and loved ones at arms length distance as well. Not answering the telephone or email/PMs is a good start.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
There was a fellow who used to hound me at conferences, too. He would monopolize the conversation so I could not mingle and look for other colleagues and acquaintances. Finally, on one occasion I actually needed some information from him, and sought him out first. I greeted him enthusiastically, then fired off all my questions. Perhaps he was taken aback by the atypical behavior, because he never bothered me again. I'm told he's dead now.

Socially, I don't run into much of this. Perhaps my natural demeanor is sufficiently off-putting to all but the most determined . . . But I agree that, one way or another, one must set boundaries. A firm but courteous discouragement will often do.
 

Spamtar

Ghost Monkey Soul
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
4,468
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Finally, on one occasion I actually needed some information from him, and sought him out first. I greeted him enthusiastically, then fired off all my questions. Perhaps he was taken aback by the atypical behavior, because he never bothered me again. I'm told he's dead now.

So...do you think thats what killed him?
 

Nijntje

Warflower
Joined
Jun 7, 2009
Messages
3,130
MBTI Type
CRZY
Enneagram
4w5
I have found being aloof and even flaky can help in those situations when you want to keep people at an arms-length distance. It comes more natural to me and I like to avoid hurting their feelings directly (if I do its a party foul). In fact one can become so good at it that they also keep most of their close friends and loved ones at arms length distance as well. Not answering the telephone or email/PMs is a good start.

I'm INFP and i still want to keep strangers at an arms length. Don't they realise how much energy it costs me to interact with them? Energy i only have a finite amount of, that i would prefer to spend on the people i actually enjoy conversing with? Unfortunately being aloof and flakey has not worked for me, flakey is just seen as part of my "charm" (WTF?!). Most of the time if people do find me on FB i politely decline the friendship request. I also have 3 email addresses, one for friends, one for business and one for people whom i'm uncertain about. The email address for the people i'm unsure of is actually the hardest to spell and remember. So if they actually use it, well, kind of bonus points to them.

I'm finding as i get older, it is getting easier in these instances to say that i just don't have time, and perhaps, at a later stage if we reconnect then i'll have time to start being sociable, it is polite and not that far from the truth to be a blatant lie. Then again, having 3 jobs and going to university full time will actually kind of makes that true for me =) heh.
 

Spamtar

Ghost Monkey Soul
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
4,468
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Then again, having 3 jobs and going to university full time will actually kind of makes that true for me =) heh.

Hmph, why is it all the busy women are always taken. ;)
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
Sounds like you've attracted an ENFP. Other types may be excessively social or friendly, but none other than the ENFP would be delusional enough to persistently chase a cold, self-absorbed INTJ, imagining that said INTJ was actually warm and fuzzy (and possibly lonely) on the inside. Be mean to them right away to avoid future hurt and misunderstandings.

You're welcome.

Sincerely,

Pathetic ENFP
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Sounds like you've attracted an ENFP. Other types may be excessively social or friendly, but none other than the ENFP would be delusional enough to persistently chase a cold, self-absorbed INTJ, imagining that said INTJ was actually warm and fuzzy (and possibly lonely) on the inside. Be mean to them right away to avoid future hurt and misunderstandings.
I know at least one INTP who did -- and hasn't stopped yet.

So...do you think thats what killed him?
If my words could have that effect on people when desired, it would be quite a skill.

Actually, he was an older guy and not in great health. I assume he succumbed to some natural cause.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
I know at least one INTP who did -- and hasn't stopped yet.

Yes, in truth, the only thing that keeps me from crying myself to sleep at night is knowing that most people are "pathetic" compared to INTJs.

Of course what seems pathetic to one person seems totally normal and human to another.

It will be a cold day in hell before I ever pursue another INTJ. I'll tell you that, bro.
 

MoneyTick

New member
Joined
May 21, 2010
Messages
252
MBTI Type
ENTJ
When I try to force myself to be friendly with strangers (or friends of friends) in social settings just to make some career networking contacts or because they are present at an event for one of my friends, sometimes I run into people take it the wrong way and suddenly they want to add me on Facebook, call/text me, go out for drinks, etc. I have a small circle of friends and no interest in adding to it at the moment unless the person is absolutely awesome. But there seems to be this certain type of person (which type? I'm pretty sure it starts with an E) that seems to have all of the time in the world to hang out and chat, and they always seem to gravitate toward me. Do they do this to everyone or do they single me out for being the quiet one? When I try and blow them off by saying things like "that would be nice" or "ok, maybe when I'm not so busy" they persist in trying to get me to commit to a date and place to go to hang out. To me it is kind of pathetic - don't you have any friends that WANT to hang out with you?

Do other INTJs have this problem and how do you deal with it (without offending the person since they might become a valuable business contact)? Or is this just me being overly anti-social? All I want to do is file these kinds of people away in my address book with a note as to what skills they have and where I met them, and that's really as far as I want that relationship to go until I need them or they need me for business. How do I tell that kind of person that I don't want to be a part of their BFF harem without screaming "GO AWAY!"? :confused:

You can't just "file people away" and consider them to be viable future business associates. You have to work at people, not against them.

If a person you just met asks you out for lunch or a cocktail, its not just a social thing - its laying the first brick of a relationship that may ultimately benefit you tremendously (in the context of business).
 

Not_Me

New member
Joined
Jan 16, 2008
Messages
1,641
MBTI Type
INTj
Unless you're a hot chick, I doubt that guys would be drawn to you as much as you think. Why should they be? There's really nothing special about INTJs that would draw people in. Would you enjoy interacting with a person who only have time for people they can use?

PS: I personally welcome talking to people who are enlightened enough to find me interesting. :)
 
Top