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  1. #1
    Junior Member SamCarter's Avatar
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    Question INTJs: how to deal with over-friendly/clingy people you just met?

    When I try to force myself to be friendly with strangers (or friends of friends) in social settings just to make some career networking contacts or because they are present at an event for one of my friends, sometimes I run into people take it the wrong way and suddenly they want to add me on Facebook, call/text me, go out for drinks, etc. I have a small circle of friends and no interest in adding to it at the moment unless the person is absolutely awesome. But there seems to be this certain type of person (which type? I'm pretty sure it starts with an E) that seems to have all of the time in the world to hang out and chat, and they always seem to gravitate toward me. Do they do this to everyone or do they single me out for being the quiet one? When I try and blow them off by saying things like "that would be nice" or "ok, maybe when I'm not so busy" they persist in trying to get me to commit to a date and place to go to hang out. To me it is kind of pathetic - don't you have any friends that WANT to hang out with you?

    Do other INTJs have this problem and how do you deal with it (without offending the person since they might become a valuable business contact)? Or is this just me being overly anti-social? All I want to do is file these kinds of people away in my address book with a note as to what skills they have and where I met them, and that's really as far as I want that relationship to go until I need them or they need me for business. How do I tell that kind of person that I don't want to be a part of their BFF harem without screaming "GO AWAY!"? :confused:

  2. #2
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    @ the OP...

    I have experienced this often at conferences etc. I am typically okay with exchanging professional email info, but nothing else like IM, etc..

    Luckily, I don't have a FB account so I can simply tell them I don't have one when I decline the offer to be added to their BFF list and usually that is all that needs to be said. Sometimes I get the ones that want to convert me to the FB community - still I always just nicely decline and tell them that it just isn't my thing... So hopefully a similar approach could work for you by saying something like "hey I don't typically use FB that often anymore, but I am on this site called LinkedIn" - and then proceed to exchange information with them.. chances are they will be okay with something like that and they might even have a linkedIn account...

    I don't use it personally but a lot of my colleagues do - and it is specifically for business contacts etc - What is LinkedIn? | LinkedIn

    My friends seem to like it for their business/professional contacts... hopefully it will be useful to you. Good luck.
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  3. #3
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by SamCarter View Post
    Do they do this to everyone or do they single me out for being the quiet one? When I try and blow them off by saying things like "that would be nice" or "ok, maybe when I'm not so busy" they persist in trying to get me to commit to a date and place to go to hang out. To me it is kind of pathetic - don't you have any friends that WANT to hang out with you?
    It sounds like you're being TOO friendly. Your replies give them "hope". Some people might interpret those replies as "he's interested but seems busy so let's think of a time when he's not so busy to make plans". Maybe say something like "no, I'm sorry, I'm really busy for the next few weeks."

    Oh by the way, I'm ENFJ.

  4. #4
    Junior Member SamCarter's Avatar
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    Thanks for the Linkedin suggestion; I'll have to sign up for that. I already have separate business cards - one with my phone number and one without so it makes sense to give them my "professional" profile. My FB one is hidden from search anyway so I can deny its existence.

    And, yes, I guess I must come off as too friendly. I'm too good at faking it. I'll try to cut out the "yeah ok"s and replace them with "I'm sorry, I'm busy".

  5. #5
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SamCarter View Post
    When I try to force myself to be friendly with strangers (or friends of friends) in social settings just to make some career networking contacts or because they are present at an event for one of my friends, sometimes I run into people take it the wrong way and suddenly they want to add me on Facebook, call/text me, go out for drinks, etc. I have a small circle of friends and no interest in adding to it at the moment unless the person is absolutely awesome. But there seems to be this certain type of person (which type? I'm pretty sure it starts with an E) that seems to have all of the time in the world to hang out and chat, and they always seem to gravitate toward me. Do they do this to everyone or do they single me out for being the quiet one? When I try and blow them off by saying things like "that would be nice" or "ok, maybe when I'm not so busy" they persist in trying to get me to commit to a date and place to go to hang out. To me it is kind of pathetic - don't you have any friends that WANT to hang out with you?

    Do other INTJs have this problem and how do you deal with it (without offending the person since they might become a valuable business contact)? Or is this just me being overly anti-social? All I want to do is file these kinds of people away in my address book with a note as to what skills they have and where I met them, and that's really as far as I want that relationship to go until I need them or they need me for business. How do I tell that kind of person that I don't want to be a part of their BFF harem without screaming "GO AWAY!"? :confused:
    Be nice; smile
    Thank them; you're flattered
    Be firm and direct
    Give them a reason; any reason works but its better if its a god reason
    Walk away so they don't have a chance to argue

    That would be my opinion anyway.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

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  6. #6
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SamCarter View Post
    Thanks for the Linkedin suggestion; I'll have to sign up for that. I already have separate business cards - one with my phone number and one without so it makes sense to give them my "professional" profile. My FB one is hidden from search anyway so I can deny its existence.

    And, yes, I guess I must come off as too friendly. I'm too good at faking it. I'll try to cut out the "yeah ok"s and replace them with "I'm sorry, I'm busy".
    Fyi - there are less privacy features in LinkedIn than FB. You can't hide messages from a particular person for example though you can always delete them.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

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  7. #7
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    You MUST set clear boundaries in all your relationships, business, friendship, family, and otherwise. If you don't, others will see you have blurred lines and that's how people you meet from business will want to hang out with you. In my experience, most people respect your boundaries. I tell people outright that I only call and add on Facebook close friends and family. Period. You are not anti-social by setting boundaries. You are anti-social by having a dysfunctional interaction with society and relationships, which happens particularly without setting proper boundaries.

    I won't go over my long story from grad school of dealing with these kind of people (one in particular). Suffice it to say that in academia you're bound to meet the nerd-type desperate for attention and emotional security. The moral of the story is to be 100% genuine. Don't be afraid to show all sides of yourself to people you hang out with so you can attract the right kind of people. Don't be such a people pleaser (as I was). Otherwise you'll be enabling the ones who are desperate, giving them permission to suck your energy.

  8. #8
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    I have found being aloof and even flaky can help in those situations when you want to keep people at an arms-length distance. It comes more natural to me and I like to avoid hurting their feelings directly (if I do its a party foul). In fact one can become so good at it that they also keep most of their close friends and loved ones at arms length distance as well. Not answering the telephone or email/PMs is a good start.
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  9. #9
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    There was a fellow who used to hound me at conferences, too. He would monopolize the conversation so I could not mingle and look for other colleagues and acquaintances. Finally, on one occasion I actually needed some information from him, and sought him out first. I greeted him enthusiastically, then fired off all my questions. Perhaps he was taken aback by the atypical behavior, because he never bothered me again. I'm told he's dead now.

    Socially, I don't run into much of this. Perhaps my natural demeanor is sufficiently off-putting to all but the most determined . . . But I agree that, one way or another, one must set boundaries. A firm but courteous discouragement will often do.

  10. #10
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Finally, on one occasion I actually needed some information from him, and sought him out first. I greeted him enthusiastically, then fired off all my questions. Perhaps he was taken aback by the atypical behavior, because he never bothered me again. I'm told he's dead now.
    So...do you think thats what killed him?
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

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