Jennifer, why did you lose your faith?
Well, it's not like I "lost" my faith. I didn't just one day wake up and realize I had a hole in my purse and somewhere along the way my faith fell out and now it's gone. And as I said, it's not as if I have NO faith or discount religious experience altogether. I am simply no longer going to tolerate a muddying of the lines between what can be intuited and what can be shown.
I don't care what people want to believe, because strong philosophical cases can be made for belief; but I'm tired of hearing religion essentially say their intuitions are "proof" or are "more correct" than intuitions that disagree with them. Perhaps I am overly sensitive to those insinuations, but that is where I am at right now.
I grew up in a conservative Christian environment. It was not abusive in the sense we often hear of "religious abuse" nowadays... but my personality and upbringing left me very sensitive to displeasure or disagreement. I did not want to disappoint people. I never felt "safe" enough to ask my questions openly, and the times I did, I felt as if I was ignored or dismissed. So really, any faith I had was much more internal and personal rather than traditional, although I wore more traditional trappings in order to not make waves.
[If you want more specifics, I have been involved with: Methodists, Lutherans, Baptist, Mennonite, Evangelical Free, non-denom, Intervarsity, Young Life, and Brethren in Christ... maybe more, over the years. It is not like I haven't examined a wide range of Christian culture.]
The entire time I was part of the "conservative Christian" community, I had many intellectual questions that were never answered. Most I suppose could be blamed on the Bible and the approach the Christian community I was immersed in took towards it. For those who claimed it was infallble and delivered to earth in the same breath essentially, straight from the tongue of an all-powerful God -- well, that was promoted as the only reality, but the truth is that there are different frameworks to approach the Bible in, and even the translators understand the reality of this. Yet this information never seems to filter down to the average layperson, who views their perspective as the only valid approach.
During those years, I was taught to doubt my own intellect and perception. I was also taught that my heart was evil. I was taught that emotions could not be trusted. I was stuck into a framework that depowered me, removed mystery from God, and tried to bend and cram what data it could find to support its tortuous beliefs.
I find myself angry at how dismissive Christians were towards concepts such as evolution and how they shut down conversation on such topics with bad science. Evolutionary science is the standard in the scientific community, not because "scientists hate God or have bad hearts" but because, in terms of the quantifiable, the process actually works and has been mirrored in laboratory settings as part of our technological advancements. Most Christians don't want to know any other viewpoints; they simply want to cling to anything that supports their beliefs... Josh McDowell-type apologetics. Evolution is rejected not because it doesn't make sense, but because it leaves people feeling like they're just part of a deterministic framework; it's a "feelings-based" decision, not an intellectual one... but it masquerades as an intellectual one and that lie infuriates me.
Every four years, when a presidential election rolls around, I watch the bulk of Christians treat other people like dirt... or at the very least, place themselves on some sort of moral high ground and not just disagree with but dismiss the values of others. The attitude is very dismissive... because Christianity as a faith in this country is politicized. If you don't vote for the right candidate, you are aligning with the forces of darkness... but my eyes just see a group of flawed human candidates who usually want to do something important for the their country... just like everyone else does.
I feel like I have been lied to and crushed by a community I was willing to give everything to... and finally had to remove myself in order to get perspective and strength to stand on my feet again. I have the feeling that God is out there and that I will find him, and that he will embody the spiritual goodness I saw of him in Jesus.... but as far as venerating before a Bible (which is basically how it's treated nowadays) or entering conversation where one side claims they know the detailed truth of goodness in every situation... I'm not doing that anymore. It is bunk.
Christianity is meant to be lived. It's in how we treat each other. Some people who are accused by Christians of being pagan live more like Christians than the Christians in question, and I think they're more aligned with the will of God in the process. If the words of Jesus are to be believed, God will say, "depart from me, I never knew you" to those for whom Christianity was all about having the right doctrine, to the point of crushing or ruining or damaging their brethren.
All of these philosophical discussions are nice... but mostly irrelevant. They're just conjecture, not as meaningful as we pretend them to be. They are patterns of what could be.... but just that.
I'll stop there, although it is really just a first draft and probably missed some things and mentioned other things I would have been better off cutting.
Please also note that I am not necessarily including you [jon or anti] in the list of people who have bothered me... I haven't yet even worked completely through your posts yet. So please don't take it as an indictment of your belief.
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