[INTP] some advice/help on something bad i'm going through at the moment

[targus28]

I'm wondering if anyone can give me some advice/help on something bad i'm going through at the moment

Ive been seeing this girl for about 8 months, only the last 2 have we been officially in a relationship,shes 20 and I'm 23.I met this girl through a friend, we got chatting on face book and ended up meeting on a night out.She had a boyfriend of 4 years at the time.That night she ended up coming back mine and we slept together, she then ended it with her boyfriend a day after.Shes always told me that she wasn't in love for 2 months prior and that it was going to end anyway and she felt really guilty over it and she didn't ever think she could cheat.obviously, for the next 6 months i took it slow, and didn't wanna get too attached to this girl because.


Main reason being i just got out of a 1 and a half year relationship which was bad, i was in love and was still getting over it.Another reason is because she cheated on her ex boyfriend, with me.Also,i seam to have a general trust issue with most people, and tbo, me and this girl it want love at first sight, and we didn't have this amazing connection that made me wanna trust her.So for 6 months, we just seen each other, but in between those 6 months i did some really stupid, neurotic, paranoid stuff.Like one night, i went into the bar she was working,she got me a drink, i stood there and this guy walked up to the bar and looked at her.

For some reason i had it in my head that they new each other, and i thought that maybe she had done things with him, or it was an ex boyfriend.I ended up reacting really bad, accusing her of sleeping with him and walking out the club with no evidence.And that's just one thing i did.One night, she came to mine about 11pm, and because i felt she was being funny with me and not talking, i kicked her out of my flat and told her go home.And another time i kicked off with her when she had work in the morning because she had her back to me and i took this the wrong way and made a massive issue out of it.For 3-4 weeks after that, things where different and she felt pressure whenever i could instigate sex and that just made me feel even more insecure and paranoid and made my behavior worse.It doesn't help that I'm out of work,and have been for 7 months.All i do is pretty much sit in and over think things.She started a new job about 2 weeks ago, and they way I've been feeling, my insecure and anxiety has just been getting worse.

The other day, she was ten mins late coming back from work, i decided to go to her works which is 3-4 mins walk and meet her, i was stood out there and i was going crazy, thinking that she was doing something with the boss and that's why she is late coming out.I felt so ill and sick when i got home with her.Another thing is, she was asked to go on this holiday with her sister and her sisters friends in 10 weeks for 5 days.We had this massive discussion about it and i didn't want her to go because i felt like the relationship wasn't strong enough, or at least my trust wasn't, or insecurity where too bad.

I know that she prob inst as close to me as she use to be, because i prob pushed her away with my behavior, and i don't think she 100% trust me.And my feeling on it are, if you are going to go on holiday when u don't really 100% trust me, or happy with me, how can i trust you? So today, she was 30 min late coming home from dinner because she was on a late call, and again i sat hear in my flat feeling worried, sick, insecure because i was worried something else was going on.So i just ended it with her,and she seamed to take it really well and shes coming to pick her stuff up form mine after work.I am worried that maybe most of the problems where me, and maybe if i got a job and sorted myself out it could of worked? I'm left unsure.I have been feeling more lately that maybe i do love her, I'm scared that Ive been the wrong choice in ending it, and maybe i just need to get my head together.My friends and family tell me I'm very very paranoid, and id be like this with any girl i get with.

This girl spends every day with me, took me London 5 months ago, buys me meal out all the time.I'm scared that actually she is a decent girl and that i have no reason not to trust her and the problem lies with me,and I'm gonna lose something potentially great

Oh yeh, We both did a quick personality test online, which was about 15 min long and i came up an intp and she came up a estp but I'm not sure if this was 100% accurate, but the intp profile does resonate with me ALOT

 

[Shimmy]

I read the story, but I am not sure what to do with it. Did you only want to share? Are you looking for some insight in your psychology? Other peoples opinions? Or do you have a specific question you would like an answer to?

I'm not surprised you scored INTP. I've been observing something of a trend on these forums lately where INTPs become very self-aware, and often also feel the need for self-improvement.

 

[targus28]

I read the story, but I am not sure what to do with it. Did you only want to share? Are you looking for some insight in your psychology? Other peoples opinions? Or do you have a specific question you would like an answer to?

I'm not surprised you scored INTP. I've been observing something of a trend on these forums lately where INTPs become very self-aware, and often also feel the need for self-improvement.

A bit of everything really, Ive got quite lost in myself tbo.I know that i feel worried, insecure, anxious and and i cant seam to come to a conclusion if the behavior that this girl has been displaying, is enough for my to end it.I cant help but think maybe ill always be like this, with whoever i get with.

 

[spin-1/2-nuclei]

@ the OP...

I read your post, and I'm no psychologist or anything and I'm certainly not an expert on relationships but below is my opinion and hopefully you find it somewhat helpful....

For starters, it seems to me that you are kind of paranoid. It's not ridiculous to think that someone might cheat on your if you witness them cheat on someone in the past (especially with you), but while you were analyzing that situation you forgot one key factor.. she cheated on the other BF with you, this is true - but she then left him for you, and that was the very next day... Again I'm no expert but that hardly sounds like a maneating whore to me. Not everyone is good at ending relationships they don't want to be in... some people struggle with this a lot and end up feeling trapped in situations they are too afraid to leave for a variety of reasons... so maybe she really was tired of the previous BF met you and then decided that she was going to work up the courage to leave him and so she did and started a relationship with you... it seems possible that she really does genuinely like you.

I don't know you, but it seems like you might have some self esteem issues... and again I'm no expert, but it's been my experience that people who don't trust others are usually projecting something about themselves onto other people... This isn't to say that you aren't trust worthy but maybe for some reason you feel like people are inherently dishonest or scheming and for the most part this might be an issue that you have to work through - in regards to prejudging other people.... what works for me is - in lieu of assuming all people are bad - I just remain neutral until I obtain enough information to make a decision... this can sometimes take months but you don't always have to have every little thing figured out about everyone right away... it's okay to take things that people say at face value when there is no other evidence available to suggest that you should believe otherwise... obviously there are cases where this doesn't apply, but you don't have to take the same approach you use when some random person on the internet asks you for your credit card number whenever someone you've been in a relationship with tells you they are not cheating and you have no proof to suggest they are lying.

guilty until prove innocent works great with strangers that are behaving weirdly or asking for personal information and not so great when getting to know someone or during a romantic relationship. Trust is earned, but when you're trying to build something with someone neutral is typically less offensive then guilty until proven innocent.

Only you can know if you love this girl, but if you do love her and you decide to try to win her back I think you should acknowledge that you might have a problem with paranoia and trust, apologize and maybe ask her to help you work through this... If she loves you too then hopefully she will be able to understand and will be willing to help you get through this little issue in your life.. It might be possible that she needs some space though, and if you love her and she isn't receptive to taking you back then I would suggest that you give her some time... still tell her about your feelings and how you know you have this problem - but that you want to work on it and you don't want to lose her over it...

there really isn't much else you can do.. first you should be sure about your feelings and really sure that you have a plan to attack your feelings of paranoia and mistrust... Good luck.. I really think this is something you can easily work through. hopefully things improve for you.

 

[Randomnity]

Some judicious use of the enter key may get you more responses.

edit: woot!

 

[Spamtar]

Understand that you have to deal with your issues before you get into a relationship with her or anyone else (if you want it to be successfully).

1. Get a job and make searching for a job your job until you get hired.

2. Get a better understanding of jealousy. Read this book. Amazon.com: The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy is Necessary in Love and Sex (9780747553601):….

3. Cease contact with ex-girlfriend until you get a job and get a grip on yourself. Really the world is not gonna stop revolving simply if she gives somebody else a blow-job.

We all get crazy thoughts once in a while but knowing when to have self control and not act out is when you truly become a man.

 

[targus28]

@ the OP...

I read your post, and I'm no psychologist or anything and I'm certainly not an expert on relationships but below is my opinion and hopefully you find it somewhat helpful....

For starters, it seems to me that you are kind of paranoid. It's not ridiculous to think that someone might cheat on your if you witness them cheat on someone in the past (especially with you), but while you were analyzing that situation you forgot one key factor.. she cheated on the other BF with you, this is true - but she then left him for you, and that was the very next day... Again I'm no expert but that hardly sounds like a maneating whore to me. Not everyone is good at ending relationships they don't want to be in... some people struggle with this a lot and end up feeling trapped in situations they are too afraid to leave for a variety of reasons... so maybe she really was tired of the previous BF met you and then decided that she was going to work up the courage to leave him and so she did and started a relationship with you... it seems possible that she really does genuinely like you.

I don't know you, but it seems like you might have some self esteem issues... and again I'm no expert, but it's been my experience that people who don't trust others are usually projecting something about themselves onto other people... This isn't to say that you aren't trust worthy but maybe for some reason you feel like people are inherently dishonest or scheming and for the most part this might be an issue that you have to work through - in regards to prejudging other people.... what works for me is - in lieu of assuming all people are bad - I just remain neutral until I obtain enough information to make a decision... this can sometimes take months but you don't always have to have every little thing figured out about everyone right away... it's okay to take things that people say at face value when there is no other evidence available to suggest that you should believe otherwise... obviously there are cases where this doesn't apply, but you don't have to take the same approach you use when some random person on the internet asks you for your credit card number whenever someone you've been in a relationship with tells you they are not cheating and you have no proof to suggest they are lying.

guilty until prove innocent works great with strangers that are behaving weirdly or asking for personal information and not so great when getting to know someone or during a romantic relationship. Trust is earned, but when you're trying to build something with someone neutral is typically less offensive then guilty until proven innocent.

Only you can know if you love this girl, but if you do love her and you decide to try to win her back I think you should acknowledge that you might have a problem with paranoia and trust, apologize and maybe ask her to help you work through this... If she loves you too then hopefully she will be able to understand and will be willing to help you get through this little issue in your life.. It might be possible that she needs some space though, and if you love her and she isn't receptive to taking you back then I would suggest that you give her some time... still tell her about your feelings and how you know you have this problem - but that you want to work on it and you don't want to lose her over it...

there really isn't much else you can do.. first you should be sure about your feelings and really sure that you have a plan to attack your feelings of paranoia and mistrust... Good luck.. I really think this is something you can easily work through. hopefully things improve for you.

Thanks for your reply, Yes i do think myself that i do have a problem with paranoia.I agree too that i prob have some sort of self esteem
issue, and insecurities.A part of me says i might have this problem with whoever i get with, and if that's so i need to sort this out.I just carnt help but feel sometimes that this girl is sort of 'settling for me', There's really isn't any major signs that she is, just when i look into it I'm so scared I've missed something, or maybe that she is and shes just hiding it really well?

I don't know, when I'm with a girlfriend i wanna feel we are inseparable and i only wanna be with that one person and have a life together.Her going on holiday with her sister and her sisters friend for 5 days just kinda makes me think how serious she is about me, especially the amount of mistakes Ive made who can she trust me? I feel like i need time to regain her trust and to make the relationship better and healthily but with her going away in 10 weeks that isn't enough time.But she says she really needs a holiday in the sun, and i haven't got a job still and that would could have a holiday together if i sorted myself out.

 

[slowriot]

Seriously you seem really messed up from the previous relationship. You need to take some time away from her and figure yourself out. You are not acting like a mature sensible person that anyone should get involved with.

And completely unrelated, are you completely certain you are NT? Could I suggest looking at the ISFP profile? I know the whole paranoia thing can be turned towards the future but you dont sound like a NT to me. The OP is poorly put together and you make a lot Se and Fi (functions from which the ISFP code is put together) related formulations that might suggest just what I say.

 

[spin-1/2-nuclei]

I don't know, when I'm with a girlfriend i wanna feel we are inseparable and i only wanna be with that one person and have a life together.Her going on holiday with her sister and her sisters friend for 5 days just kinda makes me think how serious she is about me, especially the amount of mistakes Ive made who can she trust me? I feel like i need time to regain her trust and to make the relationship better and healthily but with her going away in 10 weeks that isn't enough time.But she says she really needs a holiday in the sun, and i haven't got a job still and that would could have a holiday together if i sorted myself out.

Why would you feel like someone is settling for you? Again I'm not an expert but rule number one should be don't get involved in a relationship if you're engaging in self loathing (even if it's mild)... this kind of thing is like a cancer that will eat up every area of your life. Seriously, you have to like yourself.. not in some kind of unhealthy arrogant way, but you need to find value in yourself and feel that you are worthy of a relationship or a job or whatever... and occasionally you aren't ready for those things for whatever reason (but preparedness and worth are not equivalent) and when that happens you have to acknowledge that fact and do what you can to improve the situation thus you become ready for the things that you want in your life....

My advice to you is to let her go on the holiday without hearing any negativity or frustration from you... I think you should also keep a diary or something and every time you think she is doing something dishonest write it down... maybe do the same for other people in your life as well.. and instead of confronting them about your feelings write them down in your diary and check back on a later date to see if there was any justification for what you were thinking...

one of two things will happen during this process.
A. you will realize that you are surrounded by a bunch of life smashing assholes and you're in fact not paranoid and just suffering from having bad people in your life - the sort of thing that can make anybody crazy

or

B. and personally the thing that I think is more likely - you will find that your paranoia is unfounded and if you're brutally honest with yourself during this process you might get some insight into why you feel this way and what issues within yourself are causing this....


so that's just my opinion anyway...
good luck and hopefully this improves for you.

 

[slowriot]

I'm not surprised you scored INTP. I've been observing something of a trend on these forums lately where INTPs become very self-aware, and often also feel the need for self-improvement.

Can you please elaborate on this? Because I see no sense in what you just said. Especially to suggest that it would mean he is an INTP. This is not self-improvement and self awareness. What I find this to be is an attempt to get reaffirmance and support that what he just did was the correct action.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Some judicious use of the enter key may get you more responses.

Randomnity... that's the rudest thing that I've read on this forum... that's also made me want to giggle uncontrollably... ashamed of myself though I might be.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Targus28:

You've got to get comfortable in your own skin before you can engage in a healthy relationship with someone else.

You keep talking about your girlfriend. But let me gently suggest you change the focus to yourself. First of all, that's the only thing you can control. So why fixate on what she's doing?

Secondly, I agree with spin-1/2-nuclei that you seem to have self-esteem issues. So let me recommend that you work on you right now. Go see a therapist. Read self-help books. Learn about Buddhist meditation. Whatever it is that gives you insight and control of your behavior... go and find it.

If you are really meant to be with this girl, then when the new and improved you comes back around, she'll be blown away.

But in the meantime, she is only going to distract you from the work at hand which is you.

 

[slowriot]

Targus28: .... Go see a therapist. ....

I concur

 

[SinistralPal]

Some judicious use of the enter key may get you more responses.

edit: woot!

Oh God yes. Damn, I took one look at that big bulk of text before and took off. So THANK YOU for paragraphs!!!

Jeez. Ok, yeah, it seems that you are very jealous, insecure, and a tad crazy. But THAT'S OK. I am not here to judge.

Spamtar gave what I think are REALLY good recommendations!!

 

[Randomnity]

Randomnity... that's the rudest thing that I've read on this forum... that's also made me want to giggle uncontrollably... ashamed of myself though I might be.

lol, I didn't think I was rude! Just trying to help, since I don't really know what to say about the OP, and thought a lot of others would be scared off by the wall o'text.

But yeah, you have to be reasonably sane and happy with yourself as a person before you can be happy in a relationship. If you get your own issues sorted out, you might find that the relationship issues just disappear.

 

[Shimmy]

Can you please elaborate on this? Because I see no sense in what you just said. Especially to suggest that it would mean he is an INTP. This is not self-improvement and self awareness. What I find this to be is an attempt to get reaffirmance and support that what he just did was the correct action.

Hah, reaffirmance is not required when one isn't aware and uncertain of ones actions in the first place. As for the typing thing, I was half joking, by no means did his post mean that must be an INTP, I just wasn't surprised because recently I read some threads by INTPs who feel their own actions aren't what they want them to be. I was merely stating my own observation, not a causal connection.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

lol, I didn't think I was rude! Just trying to help, since I don't really know what to say about the OP, and thought a lot of others would be scared off by the wall o'text.

But yeah, you have to be reasonably sane and happy with yourself as a person before you can be happy in a relationship. If you get your own issues sorted out, you might find that the relationship issues just disappear.

I'll chalk that one up to an F versus T perspective. I've only started tooling around the NT Rationale forum in the last week. There is a remarkably different tone to things.

I think sometimes those NFs over their in the Idyllic Forum are a bunch of big ole' women. But then again, ENFP I might be, but I have killer Te.

 

[targus28]

No i wouldn't say I'm reasonably happy with myself right now.

My current situation is i live in a studio apartment in England, one room.I'm hugely passionate about dance music, and 'try' making it.I'm also a DJ, and have had a few gigs out and won a few competitions last year, which i highly enjoyed!
I don't have much family, my Mums a raging alcoholic and we fell out last year when i tried to get her out of my flat and she fell.I admitted in the police interview that i did push her out, and i was charged with assault.She had the choice to withdraw the charge, and she didn't, so now i don't talk to her but she lives next door with her new found drunk partner.
My dad sufferers quite badly from bipolar, i don't really get on with him but i still try.We don't have any son/father connection.My sister i sometimes speak to,but not much

Friends and such, i have one very good friend, who's a INTP. i see the rest of my friends on and off.

My day normally goes:Get up about 11am and spend a lot of the time on the computer reading up on self help articles, listening to music or trying to make it (which is very difficult, especially in my state of mind) or just randomly searching the net,thinking things but not doing much.Sometimes i have my good days and i get a lot done.

Thanks for the reply's

spin-1/2-nuclei: I will take on board what you said about writing down when i have these thoughts, i think its a great idea.I do have a journal, and i try to write down in it as much as i can.

Yes i need to focus on myself, mainly getting a job.I think me being out of work for so long, and her having so much control being in work, and me at home over-analyzing everything has really pushed me to the brink.

'Why would you feel like someone is settling for you?'

I think it has a lot to do with my ex ex girlfriend, she basically wanted to use me for a baby.After 6 weeks of being with her she was asking for a baby.By that time i was already in love with her (first love and all that).It was rocky for the rest of the 17 months and she ended up leaving me for someone else when i wouldn't give

Esoteric Wench - 'But let me gently suggest you change the focus to yourself.First of all, that's the only thing you can control'

Yes i agree, Ive really struggled though getting 'out there' and looking for work.I mostly just find myself reading up on my problems about insecurity,anxiety, laziness etc and it annoys me so much that I'm like that i start to feel worthless.When i go out with my friends thou, or I'm making music, or I'm DJ'ing, i don't feel worthless and can feel great.

I do notice my good sides, and i do believe i have them.I just don't feel it sometimes.I do know that i hold value, when I'm not showing these negative sides.