I'm not sure what I'm feeling. But I'm feeling something..maybe writing will help me figure it out.
Let's see..I was feeling angry. The world (or more accurately the worlds systems) are just so illogical that I can't even think of a social issue without wanting to go on angry dialogue. I remember once talking to a guy at school about something or the other and eventually he was like "Then change the world.." To which I thought...why? The world is messed up...meddling with a system that can't be solved is pointless...so yeah..still..I've had those thought before..and what I'm feeling now is different. I remember feeling sad about not being back in Kenya..with my "friends" (who I'm not even sure are still my friends..but whatever...). I can't even go on fb anymore because I see them having a good time and I'm stuck doing the whole school thing. ughh..
So maybe I'm just a bit dissatisfied at not being who I think I need to be. But I have no idea who the hell I need to be..or what that even means. Also, looking back at my life..I realize I've always been an outsider. I've had very little experience being a part of an in-group, or at least feeling as if I was a part of an in-group. My cultural heritage is so mixed up that at this point I can't even talk about my background..because it's a jumbled mess. I swear..being one race..once culture..is something I would die for. Perhaps I just feel like I don't really belong anywhere? That anywhere I choose to be..I'm always going to be an outsider..if not simply because of my background and race (or lack of a distinct race) then because of the way I think. I think I fundamentally view the world in ways that confuse other people..which leads to them ostracizing me (or, probably more accurately, I ostracize myself..).
I think about how my children will never be my race...they will always be my wifes race..unless I marry asian. in which case they will be even more confused then I am. This concerns me..why do I even think in terms in race? lol..i think we all are fundamentally racist.