Do you perceive yourself as a cold person? What is your definition of "cold"?
I likely fit most definitions of "cold" posted here. I am never quite sure exactly what is meant by "cold" and "warm" in describing interpersonal relations, though, perhaps partly since these designations are so subjective. As others have mentioned, I am personally turned off by overly "warm" people -- ones that are intrusive, overly intimate on first acquaintance, regale me with inane verbal diarrhea, insist upon touching. I can also often sense when an external warm appearance is not genuine, or worse, a mask for manipulation and deceit. Then it feels colder to me than blunt honesty.
How about others? Do they perceive you as a cold person?
I honestly do not know. I receive very little feedback from others. I have been called analytical, critical, harsh, detached, unemotional, but not that often. On the other hand, I am almost never called warm, friendly, caring, etc. etc.
If you answered yes to the first question, does your coldness push people away?
Probably, and if so, just as well for the most part. I tend to mind my own business and ignore others, beyond a basic situational awareness. Keeping people at a distance minimizes distraction from random, superficial encounters. People who really need to get my attention have no problem doing so.
Are you warm to certain people only? If so, who are those people and why are you warm to them?I am probably warmer with close relatives and friends. By that, I mean a bit more relaxed and less formal; more likely to discuss personal matters and joke around, and to be physically affectionate. It is an issue of energy and privacy. I do not have the energy for the casual, superficial encounters that so many people seem to thrive on. I prefer to save it for those few close to me. Also, my personal, inner self is something I will share with only these select few. I am willing to share more parts of myself with them because we both find it rewarding, and it builds our relationship.
I mean, I'm kind, I help people out, I'm friendly and usually at least appear sympathetic, even when I'm thinking "of course it went wrong, you fucking truncheon!"
But it doesn't come from empathy or emotional attachment. Too many people assume it does, then spit all kinds of hell at me when their delusion's exposed . . .
The other perceptive thing that was said about me was that though I'm a Good Person, I'm not always a Nice Person.
I have often made and felt this distinction myself. It bothers me sometimes when someone expresses overmuch thanks or appreciation for something I have done, when it is clear that they have not understood my motivation. I do try to help when I can, just not always for the reasons others expect, or would have in the same situation. I used to wonder if doing the right thing for the "wrong" reason devalued the action somehow, but the benefit to the individual helped was the same, so no matter.
This reminds me of something someone said to me recently: "It's like you're inside-out, you show your worst side. You're the opposite of most people - they act friendly and caring but really don't give a damn; you really give a damn but act like you don't care".
Exactly. Sometimes people are surprised to find out not simply how much I do, in fact, care about some things; but also how much I will actually do to help. It is also sometimes easier to get what you want when you do not let on how much you do care about it.
