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  1. #31
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    Look, I'm a pretty strong P, but I find it hard to believe no one has any idea of what they might like or not like in a romantic relationship. Having a set of loose guidelines is not akin to being unable to adjust for the right person, either.

    I always allow for context, but a guy who would, say, be cruel to animals, would NEVER be okay in my book, even with all the context in the world. It just wouldn't fit with what makes me, me. And I wouldn't be able to respect him, much less love him. I don't see how that suddenly becomes OMG, LISTMAKERS ARE EVIL Js!
    I agree. Everyone learns from every relationship they're in, from the world around them, all the time, from their parents relationships and their friends relationships... and on and on. I cannot believe its possible to go through life without deducing that "a person that does X is probably an unhealthy individual that I would not want to spend my time with" or "a person who enjoys Y would have some things in common with me."

    Surely the people who claim to have NO guidelines whatsoever have criteria that they use to make judgements about a person and how well they would fit into a relationship with themselves. Why the hesitance to voice them?

    Its interesting how this is playing out. To the people who don't want to commit to a list: Is it because the definitions are too ambiguous? IE - "What is 'funny'", "Where would I make an exception for a cheater?", etc?

    I'm genuinely intrigued by this because, to me, EVERYONE has these standards of what they are willing or unwilling to accept in their life and in their close relationships. Either I'm completely wrong (possible) or people are dodging the question for one reason or another.
    Embrace the possibilities.

  2. #32
    figsfiggyfigs
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    Look, I'm a pretty strong P, but I find it hard to believe no one has any idea of what they might like or not like in a romantic relationship. Having a set of loose guidelines is not akin to being unable to adjust for the right person, either.

    I always allow for context, but a guy who would, say, be cruel to animals, would NEVER be okay in my book, even with all the context in the world. It just wouldn't fit with what makes me, me. And I wouldn't be able to respect him, much less love him. I don't see how that suddenly becomes OMG, LISTMAKERS ARE EVIL Js!
    <3<3 Agreee!!


    But still... reading all of that. not that I disagree with it, cause I pretty much agree on everything,and hold the same basic list-- more-some. But poor guys.. LOL

  3. #33
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty_Mountain_Rose View Post
    I agree. Everyone learns from every relationship they're in, from the world around them, all the time, from their parents relationships and their friends relationships... and on and on. I cannot believe its possible to go through life without deducing that "a person that does X is probably an unhealthy individual that I would not want to spend my time with" or "a person who enjoys Y would have some things in common with me."

    Surely the people who claim to have NO guidelines whatsoever have criteria that they use to make judgements about a person and how well they would fit into a relationship with themselves. Why the hesitance to voice them?

    Its interesting how this is playing out. To the people who don't want to commit to a list: Is it because the definitions are too ambiguous? IE - "What is 'funny'", "Where would I make an exception for a cheater?", etc?

    I'm genuinely intrigued by this because, to me, EVERYONE has these standards of what they are willing or unwilling to accept in their life and in their close relationships. Either I'm completely wrong (possible) or people are dodging the question for one reason or another.
    You spend your life trying to manage and reduce options, control risk, looking for closure and certainty. Why would you understand people who do the opposite of that?

    I genuinely can't come up with a definitive list, and have no need of one. But that doesn't mean I don't have standards, as in, anything goes.
    Most of the things I could think of would be self-evident (e.g. not a pedophile/rapist/wife-beater) and wouldn't shed any light on specific issues for NT women or me personally.

    Would I have an open relationship, for example? Maybe. I don't know. I'd have to see how I felt at the time, with the person(s) in question. I'm not really comfortable ruling things out. It doesn't violate any of my principles, but at the same time I don't know if jealousy would be a problem. Actually, part of the issue is that I find it hard to project myself into a situation and know how I'd feel about it. I pretty much have to experience it before I know, and even then, I don't always know until much later. :\
    Part of the issue is that I know I've been wrong in the past about what I want or like or would put up with or find attractive, and I'm just as likely to be wrong now.
    The heart wants what it wants.
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    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  4. #34
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Even I like the idea of lists. Not as completely the be all end all, but some things you know damn well you can't stand no matter how awesome the person may be in other less important areas. There are certain things you need to feel engaged in that relationship which often relates to your love language, but also in how you express it. If you're looking for quick and done then it may not be so important; but for something longer than a night or two some compatability other than dopamine is needed.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  5. #35
    Senior Member JHBowden's Avatar
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    A woman's mouth and a woman's vagina are two different and usually contradictory things. Superego != id.

    What women want has been put to the experimental test since the beginning of the human race. So the pretty words of today have nothing to do with it.

  6. #36
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JHBowden View Post
    A woman's mouth and a woman's vagina are two different and usually contradictory things. Superego != id.
    Whereas a man speaks with his dick?
    Hmm. That explains a lot. Thx.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  7. #37

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty_Mountain_Rose View Post
    Its interesting how this is playing out. To the people who don't want to commit to a list: Is it because the definitions are too ambiguous? IE - "What is 'funny'", "Where would I make an exception for a cheater?", etc?

    I'm genuinely intrigued by this because, to me, EVERYONE has these standards of what they are willing or unwilling to accept in their life and in their close relationships. Either I'm completely wrong (possible) or people are dodging the question for one reason or another.
    I don't think anyone's dodging the question. I think what you might be missing is the implication given by the formality of making a list vs. having an instinctive, unconscious running recalculation in your head of the suitability of potential dates.

    When you put a list on paper, it has more power. It's easy to let the list guide your judgment instead of the other way around. I don't think anyone here is saying that they don't have an idea of the kind of person they want. But having a few guidelines that are subject to the vagaries of personal interaction with different kinds of people isn't the same thing at all as making a formal list of "dealbreakers" and "must haves".
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

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  8. #38
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty_Mountain_Rose View Post
    I'm genuinely intrigued by this because, to me, EVERYONE has these standards of what they are willing or unwilling to accept in their life and in their close relationships. Either I'm completely wrong (possible) or people are dodging the question for one reason or another.
    I think the problem is that for some people, the list is clear-cut; for others, each individual is a "package" and no one is going to fit the items, and it's not easy to define ahead of time which items are dependent (or how much) on other items or can be bartered back and forth; hence, it's just a lot easier and far more realistic to look at an individual case and determine whether it'll be acceptable or not rather than trying to create a standardized general list apart from the individual. We are not laying pipe here, we are exploring relationships....
    Last edited by Bellflower; 06-08-2010 at 10:38 AM. Reason: tired of lists
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #39
    sophiloist Kaizer's Avatar
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    Can someone add a binary poll to this?
    EDIT: a lists yes/no poll that is
    The answer must be in the attempt
    avy url : natgeocreative Photo

  10. #40
    Reason vs Being ragashree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    Whereas a man speaks with his dick?
    Hmm. That explains a lot. Thx.
    That wasn't the organ his comment made me think of, but near enough I suppose...
    Look into my avatar. Look deep into my avatar...

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