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  1. #21
    Priestess Of Syrinx Katsuni's Avatar
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    Well, this's a bit stringent of an idea, and I don't think it really works that well. Yeu love who yeu love, and love is blind. I think it's deaf, dumb, and quite possibly a quadriplegic as well.

    Oh well, I'll try anyway.

    These will be long, and with explanations given for each one. I can't just drop in a one word answer and expect it to mean anything... suppose I'm not NTJ ^.~

    That being said, these will be only vaguely in the form of a list, but I'll try to adhere to the given structure.


    MUST HAVE's

    Intelligent enough to hold a conversation with me at my level; if I can't talk about whot interests me to the person I care most about, whot's the point?

    Able to appreciate humour; if they can't have fun, then I don't think I'd be able to tolerate them for any length of time.

    Able to be silly; quite different from appreciating humour, this requires them to be willing to go off on an Ne tangent with me talking in depth about how we need to make a pillow fort out of the couch cushions to repel an attack from the dreaded space herring.

    Understanding; if they jump off on a sudden knee jerk reaction all the time and can't be reasoned with, then the relationship won't get very far. If they go ballistic over imagined slights, or hate me for things I didn't even do, like a bad soap opera, I really don't think it'd get anywhere.

    Love; they'd have to love me for who I am, but help me improve that to be someone better than I am at this moment. It's alot harder to do than people think... most people either want yeu to be someone different and don't like yeu for who yeu are, or they accept yeu for who yeu are to the point they consider change to be a bad thing. They have to be willing to love me as I am, but help me be better than that as well, it's a tough one to do.

    Attention; I'm a bit of an attention whore, though I do try to cut back HARD on that. I don't demand to be the center of attention at all times 24/7, that's completely unreasonable. I would like, however, to feel important in a lover's life... if they ditch me every chance they get to go do something else, or just ignore me for days or weeks on end, that will quickly kill any reason to bother with them at all. Yeu have to feel wanted in a relationship, and attention's a big part of that. Sure they can go see a movie with friends or whotever, but if it's something like planning a big day for yeu two to spend together on a date or something, and yeu've been looking forwards to it for days or weeks and are all ready to have fun with them... and they cancel on a whim and not even for an emergency or anything special... yeah that will kill all feeling of importance in their life immediately.



    Prefer NOT to deal with if possible

    Druggies. If it were light enough, and they didn't pressure me, I suppose I could tolerate it, as long as it was a rare occurrence. If it's something like marijuana once in awhile, like once or twice a month... meh I guess I could cope. If it's someone whose only idea of "fun" is to get drunk or high, then NO.

    Overly emotional; I'd really rather not deal with someone who's so emotional that they can't think straight most of the time. That can be worked on however, so it's not a game breaker, it's just really irritating is all. Yeu're not an animal, yeu have a brain, USE IT. We all get emotional sometimes, and there's good cause for such most of the time, but I'd really, really rather not have to deal with training someone with the emotional stability of a child. It's alot of work and effort for not necessarily much payoff.

    A criminal history; we all make mistakes in our lives, and are entitled to doing something stupid now and again, even the big errors. Sometimes yeu get charged for stuff that doesn't even make sense. Honestly, I would've had a long one of these if I hadn't gotten that crap out of my system and learned things the hard way at a young enough age to not have it show up on record. I realize now I did alot of very stupid stuff. I also understand that others may not have learned quite as quickly as I did. Just because someone has a record, though, doesn't mean they didn't change or that it wasn't something stupid they did or something they felt was worth it at the time, and maybe still do. Assisted suicide of a loved one who lives in pain every day of their life is meeting their desires, if they ask for it... but it's still illegal. Many other things can occur to lead to this as well, unfortunately. In most cases, I'd rather not deal with such, but there are cases where I could tolerate it.

    Cheaters; physical attraction isn't limited to a single individual. It's to a set of traits. Stuff like sex is 'fun', but is not directly the same as 'love'. Making love and having sex are NOT the same thing! They may be the same 'act', but there's a severely different mindset in the two. One's for pleasure and entertainment, one is to express emotion, and it's very obvious that the difference exists. I can tolerate my mate having physical attractions towards others, and even doing physical stuff with them. Whot I *CAN'T* tolerate, is them having emotional connections elsewhere. Yeu love ME. Yeu can have sex all yeu want elsewhere, though I'd rather yeu didn't since that opens us both up to a ton of diseases, and I'd really rather that not happen, but I won't hold it against yeu if yeu take precautions like getting tests for STD's first and condoms and such. Buuuut, I won't accept it if yeu give yeur heart elsewhere. The biggest part of love is giving over yeur heart to someone else. Not yeur body, but yeur heart. This's a key difference. If yeu give yeur heart elsewhere, I'm done with yeu because yeu're already done with me. But if yeu just want to get sexual relief somewheres else, go ahead. I'll even help out as best I can. Just don't let me catch yeu caring for someone else more than me.


    I Prefer/Think I would connect better with someone who...

    Stability; I don't have much stability in my life as an ENTP; honestly it'd help alot if someone was there who was a rock to bring me back to reality at times, or to be a solid support in times of need, be it emotional, financial, or whotever. They don't have to be 100% stable, but someone significantly more stable than myself wouldn't hurt XD

    Cleaning; I don't do windows... or floors... or much of anything else >.>;; I will if I have to, since a mess does bother me after a certain point, but generally I'll just ignore a mess if I have no immediate burning need to clean it up. As such, they'll need to be able to do this for me, or at least help =3

    Spiritual acceptance; they don't have to be religious really, but they must be open to the concept that some people do find spiritual understanding. I'm not very religious, honestly. I don't follow any major religion. But I do feel that there are things out there which don't really work right with science alone that we've seen so far... there's alot of stuff we don't understand in science, but there's other stuff that just lends too much to the assumption that there may be more going on out there. It doesn't necessarily mean that god is truly supernatural in origin, or that god even exists. It doesn't mean that ghosts are real or magical. It does mean, however, that there may be stuff which occurs in physics which we can't begin to understand at this point, and there are those who may have learned to tap into things through practice, rather than theory. The scientific method requires yeu to first understand a system, and make a theory, then prove it with the facts. Others have found that some stuff just 'works', and they don't know why, but they don't care. Most of our modern medicine actually comes from "spiritual" medicine, that was found to have physical reasons for why it works. All I ask of my partner, is that they be open to the idea that there is stuff we don't know yet, and it may or may not be spiritual in nature, but that they be willing to admit we don't know everything.

    Enjoy music/literature/cooking/games/etc; Yeu don't have to have the exact same preferences of fun that I do, but yeu need to have at least a few. If I can't talk with yeu about ANYTHING, and we can't DO anything together we enjoy... then whot's the point? This goes here, instead of "must have", since no one thing on the list is required. They could absolutely hate video games (that would put a strain on the relationship XD ) but as long as they loved everything else, I'm sure we could make it work somehow. They could not care much for music at all really, but as long as there's a range of stuff we can connect with, then it's alright. It still requires the majority of such to be the same though... yeu can't base a long term relationship on a single facet of a personality. Those fall apart and lead to divorce all too commonly. Multiple forms of interaction and enjoyment have to be available.

    Male; I prefer males, but yeu know... I'm not going to turn it down if I find the PERFECT love who captures my heart and just happens to be female. I'm not going to argue the point over gender, that's silly... if they are a perfect match, then so be it. I don't really want children anyway, so it's not like I'd be loosing out on anything regardless. The ONLY true argument against having same-sex relations, is they can't make babies. If yeu aren't interested in such from the start, then there's no argument. The entire religious debate is solely founded upon that one singular point. If yeu weren't going to have children in the first place, then there is no religious argument anymore. That being said, I'm not really attracted to women for the most part. They just interact with me differently... the way we think is not the same as guys, and it somehow lacks the attraction I desire for the most part. Maybe someday I'll run into a transsexual or something and it'll be a perfect fit, I have no idea. Maybe they'll just 'click' with me. I don't know XD It's unlikely to happen, but I won't rule it out as a possibility.



    DEAL BREAKERS

    Extremists in anything, be it political, religious, or whotever. Views are not black and white, and if they refuse to accept that the world is shades of gray, then we will never get anywhere.

    Abuse; mental, physical, etc. It's not happening.

    Too interested in themselves; to the point that they don't care about anyone around them, including me.

    No respect for nature/animals/etc; I'm not talking like someone who just litters on occasion, but someone who flat out doesn't care if they skin an animal alive for fun. This's cruelty, and I would be more likely to kill them than love them.

    Drama queen; I don't deal well with drama to begin with. I HATE soap operas... I don't mind drama if handled properly, and in minor amounts, it can be quite nice to have such, but in large scale, all the time, it's the end of the world? No. Just... no.

    (stealing from Tamske) being ashamed when someone in your vicinity is using Ne. (meaning: regarding playing/singing/inventing /...as silly and childish); I've never had this happen to me before, but if it did, yeah, that would be the end of it. This could technically fall under "must love me for who I am", but it's a very specific issue. If they can't enjoy anything I do, can't appreciate anything I accomplish, and can't have fun with me... then they're gone.
    The world is a wonderful place. Shame the people there don't match that idealistic view.

    Anyways, hope this sates ones' curiosity. It was as much a thing for me to think through my own thoughts on the matter as anything else =3

  2. #22
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    I think it can be useful to think about things that haven't worked for you and things that have - not necessarily in the form of absolute dealbreakers because I don't believe in those, but keeping in mind what you've learned from previous relationships, both about yourself and your partners seems constructive.

    For example, do not want: controlling personality.

  3. #23
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aramis View Post
    I'm with Morgan Le Fay on this one.
    Me too. I find the idea of non-contextual "deal breaker" lists to be a little distasteful. I mean, I can understand why people might find them useful (in an OKCupid kind of way), but I just don't like the closed mentality behind them, I guess.

    And BTW, what's with all you alcohol/drugs/smoking prudes anyway? I mean, sure, no serious addicts or alcoholics (I'm pretty sure that goes without saying for most people), but I think it's fun to spend some Saturday evenings smoking down.
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

  4. #24
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    This thread makes me suffocate.

    and I'm not even a dude... !!!!

  5. #25
    Branded with Satan murkrow's Avatar
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    Wow I've broken a lot of deals.
    wails from the crypt.

  6. #26
    shadow boxer strawberries's Avatar
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    i think we're in J-town here. i'm not keen on lists/selection criteria either, but i have found reading others' lists quite interesting.

    the theme i got from the other thread on femme NTs and relationships is that NTs seem willing to admit that they don't tolerate mediocre relationships well and are likely to recognise when a relationship is a dud and perhaps get out early when something isn't working. i think that process of analysis has to happen on a case by case basis for me - rather than working out a definititve set of 'must not haves;' i'm too contrary for a list to be accurate for more than 5 mins.

    oh, except no smelly ones. ew.

  7. #27
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Look, I'm a pretty strong P, but I find it hard to believe no one has any idea of what they might like or not like in a romantic relationship. Having a set of loose guidelines is not akin to being unable to adjust for the right person, either.

    I always allow for context, but a guy who would, say, be cruel to animals, would NEVER be okay in my book, even with all the context in the world. It just wouldn't fit with what makes me, me. And I wouldn't be able to respect him, much less love him. I don't see how that suddenly becomes OMG, LISTMAKERS ARE EVIL Js!
    Something Witty

  8. #28
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    Me too. I find the idea of non-contextual "deal breaker" lists to be a little distasteful. I mean, I can understand why people might find them useful (in an OKCupid kind of way), but I just don't like the closed mentality behind them, I guess.
    I think we're back to rules vs principles.
    Principles are pretty hard to tie down in a list, but you know when someone is or isn't compatible with them, almost intuitively. And that doesn't really have anything to do with who or what they've done before they met you. Not for me, anyway.

    EDIT.
    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    Look, I'm a pretty strong P, but I find it hard to believe no one has any idea of what they might like or not like in a romantic relationship. Having a set of loose guidelines is not akin to being unable to adjust for the right person, either.
    I just don't find it helpful to construct one, maybe I just don't know myself well enough, but part of me instinctively rebels against the process.
    I always allow for context, but a guy who would, say, be cruel to animals, would NEVER be okay in my book, even with all the context in the world. It just wouldn't fit with what makes me, me. And I wouldn't be able to respect him, much less love him. I don't see how that suddenly becomes OMG, LISTMAKERS ARE EVIL Js!
    I'm with you on that. Cruelty of any kind is out. But then I start analyzing cruelty and get myself all tied up in knots about what it really means and where to draw the lines and the whole thing is just too exhausting to contemplate. I prefer to go with "I know it when I see it" and leave it at that.
    Yeah, lazy pness.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  9. #29
    shadow boxer strawberries's Avatar
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    i don't think making a list is evil - it's just not fun or that useful for me.

    i think if i bothered to collate my list it would contain anti-social behaviours and criminal behaviours, which reflect societal norms and therefore not a very useful selection criteria... defeats the purpose of making the list.

  10. #30
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    I think we're back to rules vs principles.
    Principles are pretty hard to tie down in a list, but you know when someone is or isn't compatible with them, almost intuitively. And that doesn't really have anything to do with who or what they've done before they met you. Not for me, anyway.

    EDIT.I just don't find it helpful to construct one, maybe I just don't know myself well enough, but part of me instinctively rebels against the process.
    I'm with you on that. Cruelty of any kind is out. But then I start analyzing cruelty and get myself all tied up in knots about what it really means and where to draw the lines and the whole thing is just too exhausting to contemplate. I prefer to go with "I know it when I see it" and leave it at that.
    Yeah, lazy pness.
    Quote Originally Posted by strawberries View Post
    i don't think making a list is evil - it's just not fun or that useful for me.
    i think if i bothered to collate my list it would contain anti-social behaviours and criminal behaviours, which reflect societal norms and therefore not a very useful selection criteria... defeats the purpose of making the list.
    Yes.
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