[ENTJ] Boyfriend is too CLINGY to be an ENTJ...

[tinkerbell]

I've been seeing him for a year. I met him in an outdoor concert, when he had tripped over my friends and I lying on the grass.

He's intelligent, fun, and attractive in a quirky way (he looks almost *exactly* like Michael from the Sopranos, except he doesn't wear those 80s mafia gangsta suits). As for what my friends think? They're suspicious, though my astrology fiend friend says that he's "dominated by Scorpio", and that I'm "dominated by Aquarius", so the relationship is full of bad vibes.

What the hell she's talking about, I don't know.

Sack your astrologer.... Scorpio and Aquarius relationships are challenging because they are both fixed and square to one another, some people need a challenging relationship or they get too much of their own way. ANY astrological combination can be made good with patience and love. If your chart is strong you will want a relationship that challenges you, and vice versa, then it may be a perfect relationship. Bottom line it all depends on the natal chart of the individuals involved.

Bottom line is how after a year do you feel about him? If you like him sit him down, give him boundaries and reassure him. If he is a strong scorpio type simply give him a lot of reassurance that you are loyal to him. You'd be suprised how far simply understanding his insecurity and being supportive of him will go.

If you are either unsure or want to break it off, you will need to be really firm with him, explain you are finding him suffocating because you need more freedom etc... and that there is not someone else on the scene.

Scorpios can take infidelity really badly

Good luck but to be honest you don't sound too certain of this guy after a year, put the poor sod out his missery.

As for astorlogy, Synistry is the reason scorps andaquas are at odds, sometimes in a good way, but you might want to try composite, which is of the relationship itself.

 

[FigerPuppet]

LOL astrology.

 

[Rainne]

LOL astrology.

^

 

[EcK]

Thats sort of really pathetic

fire the guy

 

[Nocapszy]

he's an estj.
and you can't 'declingify' him.

he's made his choice.
you have to shoot him. it's the only way.

 

[Thalassa]

he's an estj.
and you can't 'declingify' him.

he's made his choice.
you have to shoot him. it's the only way.

...poor guy....

 

[Thalassa]

When I jetted off to Brazil for 2 weeks without telling him, he went POSTAL, calling EVERYONE he knew I knew.

Wow, I actually do feel sorry for him now. Yeah, he may be a bit clingy (and I agree that he shouldn't call you at work that's never ever appropriate unless there's an emergency), but jetting off to Brazil for two weeks without telling your boyfriend seems ...flaky...if not totally insensitive. Value judgements aside, maybe the two of you have different ideas about commitment?

 

[Fidelia]

This really doesn't sound good. The fact that danger breaking up with him has occurred to you this early on is a bit serious. The need to control things like that as well as the incessant contact may have been flattering at first, but will quickly go into the realm of scarey and abusive/dangerous. Other huge warning flags are him jeopardizing your success at work by calling you (feels threatened by your success, you liking work, or you spending time away from him), and him trying to alienate people close to you (whom he sees as competition for your time and affection). The less people who are in your immediate circle, the more your perspective can get skewed without you even realizing it. Him taking things of yours without your knowledge should also disturb you. Jealousy will soon be followed by accusations of infidelity and physical violence. He's also likely to cheat on you to pay you back for your imagined infidelity to him. This is kind of like a train route with a lot of stops. The fact that all of the early stations have been mentioned makes me feel pretty sure that the destination is indeed what it appears to be. Please, please, please get out while you still can. You may want to change your locks too...

At best, he is very insecure, which means he has no attention or emotional resources left to give to you (they will be obscured by his own needs). This makes for a very unbalanced relationship where you are editing yourself down so as to not threaten him, or doing things which further undermine his sense of security because you resent the lack of freedom. You are not equal partners. Most insecure people are looking for someone else to solve all of their problems. Unfortunately, no matter how much love is given, only the insecure person themselves can resolve those issues. The temptation of most insecure people is to categorize others as either their saviour or their nemesis; the solution to everything wrong in their lives, or the cause of all of it. Neither is healthy. No one is all good or all bad. He is not seeing you in a realistic light. When he becomes disillusioned, all of the energy he is putting into trying to secure your affection will be poured into ruining your life. Secondly, a person who is insecure will find it very difficult to be emotionally vulnerable themselves, or to relax and trust you. This makes communication impossible, which will lead to the demise of your relationship and obscure the qualities that you do appreciate about him.

If you took sex out of the equation, how much would the relationship still mean to you?

Whatever you do, try to keep your life in balance with work, hobbies, family and friends still equally included. This will give you less reason to get overdependent on him.

You have mentioned his good qualities. Even the most unsuitable of potential partners have very attractive qualities. Even physical proximity makes attachment grow. You may see a lot of things in him that others don't. You may even love him a lot. However, none of those mean that you belong together.

 

[Amethyst]

Sounds controlling. Irregardless of type, gtfo.

 

[mrcockburn]

Yeah, I don't know why my friend keeps bringing up the astrology thing, because I don't put stock into unproven magic/woo-woo pseudoscience.

I don't think he's actually dangerous, I'm just being dramatic about the chainsaw/MrHeadChopped reference, BUT I don't want to deal with him anymore. Never has he been abusive in the slightest. He's never called me a name, threatened me, touched me in an aggressive way, etc.

I want to know how can I break up with him cleanly, where it will go like this:

Me: Luciano, it's over.
Luciano: OK. Bye!
Me: Bye!

And we both skip away in opposite directions, whistling and singing, with me headed toward the horizon.

 

[Kasper]

You can't control someone else's emotional reaction. All you can do is make your decision and be prepared for the potential consequences.

 

[woolgatherer]

I want to know how can I break up with him cleanly, where it will go like this:

Me: Luciano, it's over.
Luciano: OK. Bye!
Me: Bye!

And we both skip away in opposite directions, whistling and singing, with me headed toward the horizon.

That sounds kind of impossible to accomplish in breaking up with any person, but this page is about how to break up with someone based on their temperament:

Four Ways to Leave Your Lover

"If your partner is a Rational, they may not even see this coming. Rationals are well known for completely missing hints, suggestions, and even outright statements of dissatisfaction. You will need to be very direct. Keep in mind that this may be the first time your partner has heard you, and they may be willing to do an awful lot to keep you. Communicate as matter-of-factly and unemotionally as you can. You may find your relationship is not completely dead."

It's nothing really new since everyone seems to already be suggesting directness, but I just like that whole dating section on keirsey.com.

 

[fill]

You can't control someone else's emotional reaction. All you can do is make your decision and be prepared for the potential consequences.

Yes. But you can learn even if it takes your entire life, which may not be so bad because you would have never stopped growing.

OP: Be honest. You don't have to cut it off. Have you spoken to him directly about how you feel? Have you told him this stuff creeps you out? If he's that crazy about doing everything for you, he might even change– I'm not suggesting a relationship is about changing your partner– maybe the word I was looking for is "improve" (whatever that means).

 

[King sns]

Man, that guy sounds outright creepy.

 

[tinkerbell]

Yeah, I don't know why my friend keeps bringing up the astrology thing, because I don't put stock into unproven magic/woo-woo pseudoscience.

I don't think he's actually dangerous, I'm just being dramatic about the chainsaw/MrHeadChopped reference, BUT I don't want to deal with him anymore. Never has he been abusive in the slightest. He's never called me a name, threatened me, touched me in an aggressive way, etc.

I want to know how can I break up with him cleanly, where it will go like this:

Me: Luciano, it's over.
Luciano: OK. Bye!
Me: Bye!

And we both skip away in opposite directions, whistling and singing, with me headed toward the horizon.

Well that type of breaking up has never happened as far as I know....

You know the guy is nuts for you so you are going to have to set super firm boundaries.

Tell him he is being claustrophobic and smothering you (or hpwever you want to put it).

Say that you appreciate that that might be becaused because you just don't feel the same way as he does.
And that you want to end the relationship

Tell him you don't think he is a bad person its just his behvaiour has been over the top and overly jelous and possesive which is difficult to live with.

Tell him that you will leave him to it for 5 days then speak to him in a weeks time but there after there will be no further contact.

If he is overly persistant and calls/hassles you you will get the autoroties in to resolve that (OK this may be a bit harsh but it will kick him into touch).

Good luck

 

[Weber]

Me: Luciano, it's over.
Luciano: OK. Bye!
Me: Bye!

Ah, Luciano... That explains everything.

 

[tcda]

Ah, Luciano... That explains everything.

an "mr.cockburn" doesn't?

 

[Weber]

an "mr.cockburn" doesn't?

But in real life she goes by the innocent name "Alex", so he had no idea what he was getting himself into.

 

[tcda]

^^^True. If only life were as easy as an MBTI forum eh...

 

[miss fortune]

did you explain exactly how creepy his obsessiveness is to you? If he really does value you on a level above infatuation, he should hopefully realize that he needs to modify his behavior if he wants to keep you around

However, it doesn't sound like you're trying TOO hard if you left the country for 2 weeks without telling him... I recognize that type of passive agressive behavior... I used to take off on rock climbing road trips without telling my control freak ENFJ ex... and I left my cell phone at home

This sounds kind of similar to something I'm used to from the past... guy is obsessively controlling, girl pushes boundaries, guy obsesses more, girl taunts more... and that's not a pretty path to go down

If you want it to work, you've got to talk about it and make him realize that you're NOT happy with the way things are at the moment. It may help. If it doesn't, I'd suggest ditching him and keeping your friends close for a while