Subject: Luciano read this ASAP...
Please read this THOROUGHLY. When finished, reply to this email with ALL OF and ONLY this phrase, in this exact order: "I have received, read, and fully understood the contents of this email I am responding to."
I am permanently terminating all relations with you, both direct and indirect.
I really really hate to do this via email, but this is the only way to ensure a clear delivery of the message so that we may resume our lives - separately. This is going to be LONG, but it's only fair that I lay out everything honestly right here and right now - because after you send the confirmation response, we will NOT continue any form of communication.
Ok here goes, I don't know how much of this stuff you were aware of, but hey, you will be now:
1. BAD ATTITUDE. All of your negativity, bitching and attempts at tearing down my friends were totally unwarranted and totally uncool. Seethe about them in your rotten little mind all you want, but you have NO RIGHT to make ME look like the bad wolf or degrade my friends right to my face. (Like calling Lara a "fatass". And wtf was that, when you won't shut up about how skinny I am). In fact, you sure seem to charm and woo all my friends. Here are examples of friends that you hate that I have.
* The guys I surf with. You call them greasy losers, you've threatened to break Jon's board, you just really like to insert your snarky little comments when they're around. Those guys would've SERIOUSLY fucked you UP by now if I hadn't always stopped them.
* The guys I ride with. Fortunately your idiocy hasn't extended so far as to catfight them to their face (and the catfight wouuld be a pussycat against a crew of lions), but all you do when you're with me is stereotype and obsess about how they're a "violent reckless gang." Which is hilarious, because it's just five of us random people who like to take our motorcycles out for some fresh air. One of the guys is a DENTIST for screamin out loud...
* My ladies. Making degrading remarks about their looks, the things they like to do, and even THEIR LAUGH, is really disgusting. Sure, I've made you apologize to them and even buy them dinner to make up for it, and you managed to keep your eye rolling behind the scenes eventually, what am I doing with someone who inherently has that kind of attitude?
You're always telling me I spend too much time with my friends. If anything I've spent too much time with you. Think about it, you are only 1 person out of nearly 7,000,000,000 people. Why would I want you to monopolize all of my time? And you were never even all that willing to try new things. "Hey Luciano, let's go see a dogsledding race during winter break." You: "No, because we'll just freeze, & why do you care about watching vicious dogs pee and run?"
2. CLINGCLINGCLINGCLINGFKNCLING. "Alex where were you!?" "Alex I want to see you more" "Alex pick up your phone more" "Alex stay with me, don't leave" "Alex why didn't you invite me". AHHHHHHH. You're WORSE than having a 3 year old kid. You need to learn that EVERYONE (except you maybe) needs SOME personal space and some VARIETY. To be frank, if I was always with you, I'd be so sick of you I'd hate you and hate life. This applies to any person, not just you. You even told me to stop surfing. That'll NEVER happen. I practically surfed out of my mother's uterus. I love it, and I'm not going to change my activities just because you "feel neglected." I've always been quite clear about that kind of thing, so if you NEED someone connected to you ball-and-chain, you should have broken up with me instead of trying to change me.
3. UNWARRANTED JEALOUSY. It's really embarrassing in public when a guy looks my way and you automatically grab onto me and stare him down. You're like an old lady guarding her purse on the bus. This was a HUGE issue with my surfing friends. I am not a "cheating sociopath" (your words, fuckface) just because my surfing pals happen to pee standing up. FYI it's a lot of fun to do it with others, and it helps reduce the odds of a shark attack. You know how much I'm paranoid about being mistaken as a fishstick by a Great White. Bottom line, it's not all about you.
4. YOU ARE A LIABILITY TO MY PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS. It is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE to contact me at work, unless the matter involves a hospital. I should've FIRED YOU the second time you pulled that bullshit. It is utterly incomprehensible how my boss actually had to reprimand YOU. Did you know that after she hung up,, she said to me: "Alex, I want to tell you, woman-to-woman...be careful with that young man." And you SHOWING UP? I could've KILLED you when you did that - twice. You could have gotten me FIRED. Have you seen the unemployment rate lately? It's not pretty.
5. CREEPINESS. I understand that people have the right to think what they want, but you're stealing my tapes, getting all spazzy when I announce I'm travelling somewhere (including calling Jess behind my back and convincing her to convince me not to go to Europe during spring break, when you don't even know her & I have no idea how you got her #), I have to question whether you're someone I want to be with. It's like you don't have a life of your own, and not only is that kind of gross to me, is it really a fun way for you to live?? Remember when I went to Brazil? If you were mentally sound, I would have gladly told you I'd be off on a trip. But every time I announce my departure, it's always another fight, so I thought, "Fuck it, you'll go bananas either way."
I know I'm not perfect. This was my first long term, exclusive relationship, so I may have screwed up some things in my own right, but the whole idea just seems to heavy and serious to me. I can't believe all the time I've spent bickering with you and even writing you this bye-bye email. It doesn't make sense, and it's just no fun. Fact is, we can bicker, we can compromise, but the fact is I'm just NOT your girl. :-/ I'm only 20, I don't want to invest so much into anything except school, work, and the enjoyment of life.
I therefore wish to discontinue my relationship with you. You must not call, email, write, visit, or send me anything.
The same rules apply to ALL the people I am affiliated with. If you fail to comply with this request of mine, I will impose a restraining order on you and file criminal charges as necessary.
Please respond now with with ALL OF and ONLY this phrase, in this exact order : "I have received, read, and fully understand the contents of this email I am responding to."
I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours. You have many positive qualities, but in the case of our relationship, none of them are redeeming.