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  1. #1
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    Default Life, relationships, career, etc. for INTP

    Hi folks,

    I'm new here and I have decided to participate after reading so many intelligent posts. I don't believe I have met many other INTPs in real life and I am excited to subject like minds to my questions and musings. I normally don't enjoy labeling myself, especially when ascribing to the subjective field of psychology, however I really feel myself identifying with a great deal of the INTP posters here (and I have continuously tested as an INTP for the past ten years since high school). That being said, here's a brief introduction:

    Life:

    Studied comparative literature in college (mostly loved it).

    Did a stint in the Marines (mostly hated it). Although, I certainly grew from the experience (which was my intention).

    Earn a living as a Systems Engineer (after 8 years, I'm getting bored to death).

    At night, I'm a musican, poet and short story writer. (Obviously not good enough to quit the day job).

    I've worked extremely hard at becoming more extraverted, more humble, softer...

    Relationships:

    I suck at these. Because I tend to come off as calm, cool and collected, I attract girls looking for that. Once comfortable, I start to share a bit of my inner neurosis (which girls seem to beg me to do, but they don't realize how overwhelming my thought process can be). I also don't do the "whatever you say honey" thing that a lot of my friends with successful relationships do, but if I'm in agreement, I'm extremely supportive. However, every last ex will say the same thing, which is: "You make me crazy" or "I don't know who I am anymore because of you".

    Career:

    First few months in a job, I excel. I redesign, optimize and improve everything. I am endlessly energetic. Then I get bored, then lazy, then completely apathetic, but I don't get fired, which makes me feel guilty.
    I've thought about going into law, but I here the same complaints. I think I'm starting to believe the adage: "it's called work for a reason".

    So there's my INTP resume. Care to share yours? Also, for those who have found success in the various aspects of life; how? What is your job? Do you love it? How's the love life? What kind of person best tolerates you? I keep getting tripped up on these. I think I've only dated extroverts, which is exciting at first, but becomes relatively exhausting when I have to pretend to get along all of their friends. And their friends either think I'm a jerk or I'm some controlling mean guy who doesn't "let" them do anything. Which is total B.S. I'm the one being forced to interact with people I don't like, but this problem has interfered with every relationship I've ever had. Thoughts?

  2. #2
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orpheus View Post
    Hi folks,

    I'm new here and I have decided to participate after reading so many intelligent posts. I don't believe I have met many other INTPs in real life and I am excited to subject like minds to my questions and musings. I normally don't enjoy labeling myself, especially when ascribing to the subjective field of psychology, however I really feel myself identifying with a great deal of the INTP posters here (and I have continuously tested as an INTP for the past ten years since high school). That being said, here's a brief introduction:

    Life:

    Studied comparative literature in college (mostly loved it).

    Did a stint in the Marines (mostly hated it). Although, I certainly grew from the experience (which was my intention).

    Earn a living as a Systems Engineer (after 8 years, I'm getting bored to death).

    At night, I'm a musican, poet and short story writer. (Obviously not good enough to quit the day job).

    I've worked extremely hard at becoming more extraverted, more humble, softer...

    Relationships:

    I suck at these. Because I tend to come off as calm, cool and collected, I attract girls looking for that. Once comfortable, I start to share a bit of my inner neurosis (which girls seem to beg me to do, but they don't realize how overwhelming my thought process can be). I also don't do the "whatever you say honey" thing that a lot of my friends with successful relationships do, but if I'm in agreement, I'm extremely supportive. However, every last ex will say the same thing, which is: "You make me crazy" or "I don't know who I am anymore because of you".

    Career:

    First few months in a job, I excel. I redesign, optimize and improve everything. I am endlessly energetic. Then I get bored, then lazy, then completely apathetic, but I don't get fired, which makes me feel guilty.
    I've thought about going into law, but I here the same complaints. I think I'm starting to believe the adage: "it's called work for a reason".

    So there's my INTP resume. Care to share yours? Also, for those who have found success in the various aspects of life; how? What is your job? Do you love it? How's the love life? What kind of person best tolerates you? I keep getting tripped up on these. I think I've only dated extroverts, which is exciting at first, but becomes relatively exhausting when I have to pretend to get along all of their friends. And their friends either think I'm a jerk or I'm some controlling mean guy who doesn't "let" them do anything. Which is total B.S. I'm the one being forced to interact with people I don't like, but this problem has interfered with every relationship I've ever had. Thoughts?
    Thanks for putting your story out there like that. It was interesting to read and I can relate to a good amount of it. In terms of relationships, I've found that most N's enjoy my company. I get along with most of them. The INxx's don't come out of their caves to play very much, which gives me the space I desire as well, but often times these friendships/relationships don't develop or continue, because we're both always "avoiding people". ENxx's are great fun for me, but they always want me to come out more and, when I don't, then I'm not a good friend. LOL.

    I have found that ENFx's tolerate me very well. The ones I know genuinely want to be around me. They usually give off the vibe too. The ENFJ that I dated and an ENFP that I became very close to probably both could have been really fulfilling, long-term relationships. The ENFJ still pursues, which is shocking. I sometimes think I should give in and marry the woman just for her sheer determination (and she really is a great girl).

    ENFP's are more laid back, while ENFJ's are more "it's got to be done this way" but, like I said, I get along well with pretty much all N's. I'd love to date an INFJ, ENTP, ENTJ, and/or INTJ - and see what kind of dynamic it produced.

    An INFJ and I would probably be soul mates and best buddies forever. An ENTP and I would probably be so laid back it wouldn't even be funny (Meh, do whatever you want, I don't care. See you in a few days!). An ENTJ and I would probably conquer and colonialize large chunks of each of the 7 continents. An INTJ and I would probably have a large science lab where leading researchers would come to conduct groundbreaking research.

    Anyhow, as far as people tolerating you, I think it would behoove INTP's to find someone who simply lets us be who we are. It really is asking quite a bit of a partner to say, "Don't place a lot of demands on me. Let me be who I am." But, I truly think that is when we are at our best. We are "free thinkers" and if our "thinking" is caged, then it's not free and it's not nearly as effective.

    The flip side of this (and this is VERY important for INTP's to remember, IMO) is that we have a responsibility too. If we're fortunate enough to find someone who will give us the freedom and space we desire in a relationship, we owe it to that person to carry our end of the stick. Be attentive, be engaged in the relationship, go out with their friends (sometimes, not all the time), and to basically be a partner. Not someone who is completely "checked out" and absent. Those who have been close to us know that we do care deeply about them and we are loyal (I hope) and have a lot of good characteristics. But, we really have to stretch ourselves a bit - take some initiative and put forth the necessary effort/investment in order to keep our loved ones around. When we do all of this, we are quite capable of being really good mates. When we "take care of business" in the relationship, things can be really good.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  3. #3
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    I appreciate the insight. I think in most other aspects I'm a pretty decent bf. This friends issue has always been a pain. Part of me would love to date another introvert, but I don't like invading other people's space, so I don't approach too many women. All of my relationships have been with women who chased me. I don't think I'd be good at chasing. The first "hard to get" action would communicate disinterest to me. How do two introverts break the ice?

  4. #4
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orpheus View Post
    I appreciate the insight. I think in most other aspects I'm a pretty decent bf. This friends issue has always been a pain. Part of me would love to date another introvert, but I don't like invading other people's space, so I don't approach too many women. All of my relationships have been with women who chased me. I don't think I'd be good at chasing. The first "hard to get" action would communicate disinterest to me. How do two introverts break the ice?
    Welcome to the boards

    If you get an answer to this one let me know, as I'm currently struggling to get to know a VERY introverted guy (either that or he's very relationship gun-shy) and we have this long history of exactly what you wrote "The first hard to get actions communicate disinterest". We've agreed that this is a problem for us.

    I do not hold high hopes of the relationship going much deeper as he seems to be too much like me.
    Embrace the possibilities.

  5. #5
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orpheus View Post
    I appreciate the insight. I think in most other aspects I'm a pretty decent bf. This friends issue has always been a pain. Part of me would love to date another introvert, but I don't like invading other people's space, so I don't approach too many women. All of my relationships have been with women who chased me. I don't think I'd be good at chasing. The first "hard to get" action would communicate disinterest to me. How do two introverts break the ice?
    Yeah, introvert with introvert really is tough. It can be done though. There are people on this board who are happily married in such situations (INxx with INxx). I know what you mean about approaching though. I'm not super suave myself - girls who have liked me THINK I am suave because I give off the "I don't really care if we date or not", "if it happens it happens" vibe. If I like someone and want to pursue, I often feel kind of "stuck". Like, how do I let this person know that I'm into them? What has worked for me, is to take small steps. Just kind of "inch forward". Put myself out there just a little bit (a flirt here and a flirt there) and if they are interested you will pick up intuitively that they are reciprocating. Trust in that intuition. If they are reciprocating, then it's OK to proceed. A friendship slowly develops and you go from there. But, patience is required because it can be slow to develop when both people are tentative.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orpheus View Post
    Hi folks,

    First few months in a job, I excel. I redesign, optimize and improve everything. I am endlessly energetic. Then I get bored, then lazy, then completely apathetic, but I don't get fired, which makes me feel guilty.
    I've thought about going into law, but I here the same complaints. I think I'm starting to believe the adage: "it's called work for a reason".
    That sounds awesome. Can't you sell yourself as a consultant or something ?

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by nikenikenike View Post
    That sounds awesome. Can't you sell yourself as a consultant or something ?
    Selling myself being the operative words there. No. I've tried to do consulting and while I'm quite good at it, I'm absolutely horrible at building a customer base. All of my customers were referrals. This wasn't nearly enough to live off of. Plus, I want to direct my attention toward something bigger, like saving the universe.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I know what you mean about approaching though. I'm not super suave myself - girls who have liked me THINK I am suave because I give off the "I don't really care if we date or not", "if it happens it happens" vibe. If I like someone and want to pursue, I often feel kind of "stuck". Like, how do I let this person know that I'm into them?
    Exactly. And it has been quite effective too. However, only with extroverted girls. After I'm "caught" though, I think I'm expected to deliver some life altering experiences once the mystery of me is unraveled. In the end, I'm just another terribly flawed human being. I think I'm the guy girls are referring to when they say they fell in love with "idea of him". The reality is, I don't know what the hell I'm doing either, that's what I'm quietly trying to figure out.

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