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  1. #61
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lasting_Pain View Post
    Yes! I am not destined to be alone after all. The Gods have bless me today.
    Hunt down, hmm scrap that, let an ENTP wimminz hunt you down, it seems.

  2. #62
    Priestess Of Syrinx Katsuni's Avatar
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    Rawr left the thread alone too long it seems. Well let's see whot's in here to poke at.

    Quote Originally Posted by Emectar View Post
    I dated a female entp and i can tell you, (though this may be only in my case) that the reason that it was so frustrating for me was not that i couldn't handle her and thus didn't want to fight to hold on, (we were a total intellectual match, thats what i found most appealing about her actually), its more that her disatatchment and fear of getting to close was hard to live with. I think saying that its because people cant handle you guys is a very entp way of understanding it and possibly pretty innaccurate.
    Isolated incident to an undeveloped one. I've learned over the years that small things like being the FIRST one to say yeu care or love them is important. One BF mentioned that over years I had never once said I loved him first, and only after he first said it. I've since realized this's an issue upon my part, and one which reoccurs without conscious remembrance of the fact that little things are actually big to people it seems.

    It's a dumb tiny thing... of course I love yeu. I loved yeu the last time I said it. I haven't done anything to say I don't love yeu anymore. Why would I need to reaffirm something that's already obvious? Isn't a snug/cuddle and doing something nice enough? Why do I have to flat out say something so obvious? It feels like small talk and irritates me to the core to have to repeatedly state the obvious. It's like treating my partner like they're mentally handicapped and incapable of understanding basic forms of affection that they absolutely HAVE to told in no uncertain terms on a regular basis like clockwork or they panic.

    This can be often mistaken for 'fear of getting too close', but instead it fuels it. If yeu require small things like that and are clingy, it is a major turnoff because it feels like dealing with a 6 year old with brain damage rather than an intellectual equal.

    This does lead to becoming distant and avoiding further commitment.

    Over time I've managed to restrict that knee jerk reaction significantly and just do the little things, which's made things go alot smoother due to such. But yes, a decade or so ago I would've been very skittish about long term relationships with people because of fear they'd just leave, and hurt me in the process. Letting people in is also letting them get close enough to cause deep emotional damage; the closer someone is, the more damage they can do. And if they turn around and leave in a nasty way, they can leave some serious marks that last for years. I'm still hurting from one who left around 5 years ago or so, and haven't fully recovered, because of some of the things said when they broke up with me.

    It's only to be expected to be more than a little cautious, especially with one of the very, very few people who would be considered close enough to open up to and allow to see when hurt and look to for help.




    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    Hahaha, and I find that people tend to say we have problems getting close when really we just have problems being close to them. Especially with ENFPs where thisclose is still not close enough and I'm wondering what is left for me to give... my blood? My issue in dating, especially feelers, is that it feels like I am shoveling more and more into a bottomless pit and I take a step back and look at my life and realize that I can't possibly keep this up for ever. It's just too much sometimes. It just feels that it's never enough.
    NF's can be... difficult. Even the one I'm with now, loves him to death, but I swear, he's out to drive me insane XD

    But yeah, I agree that they can be very... "I need to know mooooooooooooore!". I let myself out slowly, a little bit at a time. There's very specific circumstances which allow me to open up and if it's not during one of those 'stars are aligned' moments, yeu're probably not going to get much out of me.

    Those that can accept that and go at the pace I'm comfortable with, we'll get along fine. Those that have the burning NEED to know more as fast as possible at their breakneck pace? They will be ditched and left alone, they aren't worth the time or heartache.




    And what Katsuni said has some truth to it.
    Woohoo! Wait... when do I ever not say truth >.>;;


    I feel like people give up on me a lot quicker than I would give up on them. If I come to someone with a problem, it's dismissed pretty quickly because I don't "seem like the type that needs any help with anything". I've heard that more often than I can count. But I feel like everyone turns to me with their problems because I offer very good and unbiased solutions.
    Perhaps that's the reasoning, I'd never really been given a straight reason for why.

    My biggest problem right now, or well no not my biggest but the biggest relationship-wise anyway, is my INFJ has the bad habit that in the times I really flat out need help and a shoulder to cry on, usually it's met with anger rather than help.

    I've been working with this as best as I'm able to, and it's making good progress, but it's really rough when the one person yeu're supposed to be able to rely on for help yeu don't trust anyone else to help with only gets furious when yeu turn to them for aid.

    Most others I've dated just seem to ignore it, or get irritated by it. I don't let anyone else know of my problems usually; I could be dying of an emotional hemorrhage inside, but the world would never know. I only let very close and special individuals even know when I'm hurting and need help. If I ask for help, I MEAN it. It's hard enough to ask in the first place, and will usually leave it until it's nearly too late as it is.

    Far too frequently it's been met with apathy, disinterest, or irritation.



    I cried once in front of someone I thought I was very close to (an ENFP actually). She just sat there stunned and now reminisces constantly (with glee, in front of people) about that really rough time in my life because she never imagined someone as strong as me would ever cry. And that she is so happy that she was the one that saw it because that means that I think of her as a close friend. Wtf? She seriously gets happy talking about it and she wonders why I've slowly been pulling away from her. Wtf? She thinks it's just me putting walls up again. And she's right.
    I haven't had that happen to me before thankfully, and that is horrible to hear >.<

    If someone had done that to me, especially telling OTHERS about breaking down like that? The least of their problems would be me pulling away from them, it'd be that the pulling away would be part of the act of winding up to hit them as hard as I could. Unlikely physically, but they would be suffering for daring to do that to me.

    All I can say, is yeu're a better person than I am. I don't think I could even remotely tolerate that behaviour for any length of time.


    Quote Originally Posted by Trinity View Post
    Even without meaning to I'm constantly throwing out tests to those I'm close to so I understand what's acceptable and what's not by their reactions, very few people are able to understand my inner workings so to speak, or be on a similar wave length and therefore understand what kind of response I'm looking for.
    So I'm not the only one who does that XD

    All the time I'm putting out tiny tests and such to people, say something random to see their reaction, leave something alone I should've done to know where a limit is, ask a question I know the answer to just to hear their answer. If they KNEW it was a test, it'd taint the results... the most pure tests are the ones people take without knowing they're taking them. Then they show their true colours.

    Which makes it just that much easier to get along with them once yeu know whot they expect of yeu.

  3. #63
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    ...My issue in dating, especially feelers, is that it feels like I am shoveling more and more into a bottomless pit and I take a step back and look at my life and realize that I can't possibly keep this up for ever.
    *shudder* This is exactly how I felt with the F's I've dated (and even some extremely Fe/Fi dominant friends). It makes me... uncomfortable isn't the word... more like frustrated and eventually exhausted. I can't handle constant drama. People like that get cut out of my life pretty quickly.

    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    Have any of you thought someone too cold?
    Aside from a parent? I've never been in a romantic relationship like that, but both of my parents are pretty selfish and one even unemotional to the point of what even I would call 'cold'. (Unhealthy ISTP I think)

    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    My INTP and I, even though we are both quiet and live in a huge apartment, we are looking for an even bigger place. Currently, we share a bedroom but we also share the office and the living room. We both want our own offices and our own "play" rooms. It's frivolous, but we are on the same page about it. We want more space to be away from each other. No tears, no prodding, no hurt feelings. We didn't have to even have a justification conversation about it - we just think the same way. It's important for each of us to have the option, the feeling of independence. Does that mean that things are not interesting between us? Of course not. We have similar ways of thinking, but what he thinks always interests me.

    The funny part is that the more space we give each other, the less of it we actually use.
    How I wish I could find someone like that. I think, from relationships with friends and even co-workers, that I would do exceptionally well in a relationship with an INTP. I've never found one that I didn't like, male or female.

    I guess to answer the OP - I find that I can 'get' a guy easily if I put myself out there and show him I'm interested. Its the keeping thats the trick. Once I decide that I actually like a person, something kind of cracks open in me and all these absurd, intense 'I like you a lot' things start coming out of my mouth. I think they become taken aback because as they get to know me, they find out that I am more than smart-ass jokes and competent. Does it surprise them that I'm multi-dimentional?

    In younger years I would date pretty much anyone who was interested... kind of in the spirit of science, you know? 'You don't know unless you try'. But as I get older, I'm finding that I only fall for people that I've been friends with for a while. People who already know quite a bit about me, know the way I act in general and still like me.

    The problem with that is that it takes me SO long to realize that friendship feelings have turned into other feelings that when I DO realize it, I'm usually pretty well on my way to falling. This is problematic.
    Embrace the possibilities.

  4. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty_Mountain_Rose View Post

    Aside from a parent? I've never been in a romantic relationship like that, but both of my parents are pretty selfish and one even unemotional to the point of what even I would call 'cold'. (Unhealthy ISTP I think)
    I'd much rather have your parents than my overly-emotional parents.
    They think I'm "mentally sick"( their words. True story). Cause of how objective/rational I am compared to them. They don't understand how I don't show emotional reactions/attachment to anything... I DO have emotional attachments okay. I just don't publicize my feelings or worry about something I can't control...


    I guess to answer the OP - I find that I can 'get' a guy easily if I put myself out there and show him I'm interested. Its the keeping thats the trick. Once I decide that I actually like a person, something kind of cracks open in me and all these absurd, intense 'I like you a lot' things start coming out of my mouth. I think they become taken aback because as they get to know me, they find out that I am more than smart-ass jokes and competent. Does it surprise them that I'm multi-dimentional?
    ROFL, welcome to my world

    In younger years I would date pretty much anyone who was interested... kind of in the spirit of science, you know? 'You don't know unless you try'. But as I get older, I'm finding that I only fall for people that I've been friends with for a while. People who already know quite a bit about me, know the way I act in general and still like me.
    yes, that is my tactics as well
    The problem with that is that it takes me SO long to realize that friendship feelings have turned into other feelings that when I DO realize it, I'm usually pretty well on my way to falling. This is problematic.
    seriously... can I get an AMEN. hahhahaha I completely understand your dilemma. it's REALLY frustrating.
    Cause once I like a person, the way I think, AROUND THEM, changes.

  5. #65
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    It's entertaining, many of the complaints I see here are ones I've had about women. I wonder if it's just the way of things that we all tend to be looking in the wrong directions.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  6. #66
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    "Give me five more minutes" is a common phrase in my house that roughly translates to "I'll be right with you in about 2 hours, or so".
    Oh gawd. I've been called on that so many times, it's not funny... (or maybe it is....!)

    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    ... My issue in dating, especially feelers, is that it feels like I am shoveling more and more into a bottomless pit and I take a step back and look at my life and realize that I can't possibly keep this up for ever. It's just too much sometimes. It just feels that it's never enough.
    Yes, it depends on the person, but can quickly become an emotional sinkhole. I don't have the emotional stamina for that, I run out quickly and need lots of freedom; the problem (and there still is one) there, though, is that I sometimes feel bad because I can't reciprocate to the degree I know they desire. Instead, I am trusting them that "being myself" (rather than behaving like them in terms of the emotional cues I put out) is something they love and enjoy in itself and that they aren't expecting me to mirror them; I spent too many years playing those games of "like reciprocation" and it's taking time to trust that I can just be me.

    I cried once in front of someone I thought I was very close to (an ENFP actually). She just sat there stunned and now reminisces constantly (with glee, in front of people) about that really rough time in my life because she never imagined someone as strong as me would ever cry. And that she is so happy that she was the one that saw it because that means that I think of her as a close friend. Wtf? She seriously gets happy talking about it and she wonders why I've slowly been pulling away from her. Wtf? She thinks it's just me putting walls up again. And she's right.
    Amazing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    I have come to the conclusion that I am emotionally incapable of maintaining a long term relationship. I simply cannot be vulnerable in the way that most people expect you to be vulnerable in a relationship. I don't know why the rules of interaction change just because you're screwing someone on an exclusive basis.
    Well, it's typically more than "just screwing."
    I can screw anyone I want without having a relationship with them.
    It's the relational thing that demands investment and has expectations attached to it. Different people have different ideas about what a good and satisfying relationship looks like.

    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    Have any of you thought someone too cold?
    Typically it's TJs who I read as cold, if anyone.

    Quote Originally Posted by Trinity View Post
    Not cold per say but too, erm, black and white with facts I guess, as in no room for personal details and removed from the emotions of a situation. It could be viewed as cold but for me it was more about the rigid inflexibility and inability to consider factors that cannot be shown in raw data. Quite the turn off.
    Yeah, that. And it's probably where I get "TJ" from, they tend to drift in that direction more easily.

    Quote Originally Posted by lets eat pie View Post
    Dear lord I know what that's like.
    It's like twice the trauma. First from what caused the whole episode in the first place, then having to deal with knowing someone witnessed your breakdown. In my case, it was in front of a crowd...twice. I never got over that. Then to be mocked about it just makes me explode. It's like a betrayal.
    Damned straight.

    They're taking something you're already vulnerable and embarrassed about and throwing it out there naked for everyone to gawk at.

    The last time I got dicked over was by my parents. I spent my whole adulthood pulled back from them, keeping walls up, because they weren't safe; but I finally decided I needed to be honest with them about something and I wanted to do it right, not the cheap-ass self-protective version. So I went out to talk to them and ended up bawling uncontrollably for much of it... and they turned on me after.

    I was mad about the betrayal, but I was also really really pissed because I let them inadvertently see my tears, and then they did that. I think I still handled things correctly, but they will never get access to me again like that.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #67
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    All of the above. Most people that would date me aren't worth my time, and I have very specific ideas about who will work for me in the long term.

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    Quote Originally Posted by 01011010 View Post
    All of the above. Most people that would date me aren't worth my time, and I have very specific ideas about who will work for me in the long term.
    I think it takes quite a bit of time for many people, myself included, to figure out what kind of person will work for them in the long term. Sometimes one understands personal boundaries in theory, but reality is quite different. It's a rather complicated topic.
    Doorknob: Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.
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  9. #69
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Well, it's typically more than "just screwing."
    I can screw anyone I want without having a relationship with them.
    It's the relational thing that demands investment and has expectations attached to it. Different people have different ideas about what a good and satisfying relationship looks like.
    That would be why I said "on an exclusive basis."
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

  10. #70
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oddly Refined View Post
    I think it takes quite a bit of time for many people, myself included, to figure out what kind of person will work for them in the long term. Sometimes one understands personal boundaries in theory, but reality is quite different. It's a rather complicated topic.
    I agree.

    As for relationships - sometimes I feel like the sheer force of the emotions cripples my intellectual abilities...when I love it is everywhere, it's not just a tiny program running in the background. It requires a lot of my resources.

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