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  1. #101
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    Dunno. I can imagine that there would probably be the same kinds of "be caring," "show affection," "spend lots of time with me," etc., types of expectations that would be more difficult for NT women than for other types.
    Are those expectations the main problem for NT women in relationships, or is it something else?

  2. #102
    Senior Member proximo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    I figure gender stereotypes would be reduced in homosexual relationships.
    Oh no, sometimes it's even worse! Society tends to sorta force gay people to define themselves by their sexuality. And so, they can end up defining their partners by their gender because the gender of their partner is what their entire life is defined by, a lot of the time.
    I'm male and over 30, FYI.
    Preferences: 20% Extravert, 98% Intuitive, 68% Thinker, 17% Perceiving

  3. #103
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Anyone else relate?
    What happens to me that drives me up a tree is this: The guys who respond to me and are like, ‘You’re awesome. You’re kind of a hellcat.” They think it’s cool and kind of bad-ass that I’m outspoken and passionate about things. They think that’s really hot. They’re into it. But then when that outspokenness gets applied back to them, it’s suddenly game-over. You know the idea of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl? She’s light, and quirky, and she has no inner life of her own, and just there to serve our hero’s development and erotic interests. I sort of feel that I get cast in these dudes’ narratives as the Hellcat Dream Girl, there to prove how bad-ass they are because they’re dating such a bad-ass woman. They think it’s cute or sexy. But when I use that smart, outspoken bad-assery to challenge their own perspectives, it’s suddenly not sexy at all. It happens when they say something that I disagree with, and I act like a person and not someone that is playing out their particular fantasies.

    It’s happened to me a million times . . . they want it as a trophy. “Hey, look at my bad-ass girl.” They don’t want to deal with me as a person. It follows this pattern where it usually comes from a person who seeks me out. They try to seduce me. They think I would be an accomplishment to conquer or something. They seek me out and try to get me interested in them, and then I am, and then they flee . . . I feel like the same thing happened with the guy I dated for two years. He liked the idea of being a guy who would be with someone like me, but ultimately it turned out that he wanted someone who wouldn’t challenge him as much, a person who was easier and quicker to sweep away. I got evidence of that when, within three months of breaking up with me, he was dating a 23 year old who lists her political views on Facebook as “moderate.”
    It would be nice to be in a long-term stable relationship, but only in the sense that I would like to find someone with whom I am actually motivated to build such a relationship. In reality, though, I’ve kind of settled into the idea that I will probably not end up creating such a relationship; I feel like maybe that reads as sad or depressing, but it doesn’t feel like that at all. I mean, I’ve never been the person to fantasize about My Ideal Wedding, but I have fantasized about My First Published Book since before I could actually write. Which isn’t to sound morally superior or like this is actually a good thing; it’s probably something I should talk to a therapist about, to be quite honest. I read all these stories about women my age who are totally anxious about finding The One and getting married, and I keep hearing that women my age have this biological clock thing ticking quite loudly, and even a lot of my friends seem to be feeling like they should be locating their person right about now, and I often wonder if there isn’t something seriously deeply wrong with me not only because I don’t feel any of that anxiety but also because I don’t at all fear A Life Alone. Maybe that will change in a decade — my mother says it will, and then she reminds me that she would be a really great grandmother. But it means that in the meantime, I can get to know a lot of different people without feeling like I’m auditioning them for the role of Jill’s Perfect Mate. It takes a lot of pressure off.

    It also results in a lot of disappointment and trainwrecky dates and aborted relationships.

    And I also end up making compromises all the time, until I decide I can’t anymore, and that never ends well.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  4. #104
    Energizer Bunny Resonance's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    Anyone else relate?
    that summarizes my first relationship...

    Of course, it was only my first. My ex had been in at least 3 other relationships which went exactly the same way... I guess I appeared more submissive on the surface or something.
    The beauty of a living thing is not the atoms that go into it, but the way those atoms are put together. ~ rCoxI ~ INfj ~ 5w6 so/sp

  5. #105
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    ^I call it the Petruchio complex.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  6. #106
    Energizer Bunny Resonance's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    ^I call it the Petruchio complex.


    I've never actually read or seen The Taming of the Shrew. From the Wikipedia article, it looks positively devastating.
    The beauty of a living thing is not the atoms that go into it, but the way those atoms are put together. ~ rCoxI ~ INfj ~ 5w6 so/sp

  7. #107
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    Anyone else relate?
    I do, for sure. Though I do think there are some who enjoy a philosophical debate in their spare time more than others do. And I think there are also some smart men and women who don't know how to exchange ideas without turning the whole thing into an argument. I can generally tell pretty early on if a guy is going to be threatened by my not agreeing with everything he says or not deferring to him. But I do try to be respectful of anyone I disagree with. Usually.

    And then I think there are also guys who like the idea of dating a hellcat, but they have the fantasy that the hellcat is a kitten around him. Thanks, Hollywood.
    Something Witty

  8. #108
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    They think it’s cool and kind of bad-ass that I’m outspoken and passionate about things. They think that’s really hot. They’re into it. But then when that outspokenness gets applied back to them, it’s suddenly game-over.
    What's the difference between outspokenness and criticism?

    Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) defines it as:

    Criticism. Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you. It is healthy to air disagreements, but not to attack your spouse’s personality or character in the process. This is the difference between saying, “I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash” and saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash. You’re just so irresponsible.” In general, women are more likely to pull this horseman into conflict.
    If it's happened to the author a "million" times, maybe it's not the men she dates, but the fact she's the relationship Simon Cowell.

  9. #109
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Damn. I thought we'd gotten rid of all the judgmental losers using this thread to take pot shots at NT women / tell us what's wrong with us. Because we don't hear that enough already EVERY FUCKING DAY.

    I guess it does prove one point though: everyone else knows how to run our lives better than we do.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  10. #110
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    Damn. I thought we'd gotten rid of all the judgmental losers using this thread to take pot shots at NT women / tell us what's wrong with us. Because we don't hear that enough already EVERY FUCKING DAY.

    I guess it does prove one point though: everyone else knows how to run our lives better than we do.
    Those words are as soothing as sticking needles in the cornea.
    Let's do lunch.

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