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  1. #1
    Member Waffle's Avatar
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    Default ENTPs as Parents for NF Types

    My mom is an ENTP, and we're often on the same wavelength, having the same thoughts and ideas about things. We work really well for business ideas and just generally working together in a productive environment. However, we're both extremely disorganized and messy people, and since she left my INFJ father, we have no one to keep our house tidy. I'm not sure if we're completely bugged by it, but we're working on it, just really really slowly.

    I really do love her, but she rubs me the wrong way sometimes. When she thinks she's right, there is no room from my opinion. The woman will not budge an inch and it can be infuriating. She is also quite upfront and blunt about what she is thinking, to the point of being rude. I tend to soften my thoughts to make sure that I don't offend anyone but get my point across. Do you guys think this could be the difference in the F and T functions?
    There's also the matter that she steals the spotlight always. Even on my birthday a week ago. She talked the entire time through my family's dinner for me (We're not big enough as an immediate family to have other conversations going on), and I honestly couldn't get a single word in for about 3 hours. For an ENFP this is incredibly insulting. To be ignored is ridiculous for an ENFP, but on our birthday is even worse.

    I really do love my mom, and have tried to confront her about her behavior that bugs me, but there is no room for compromise. Despite this, I love her, and I love the dynamic we can get going when we have a project to do. I also think it's funny she chose to marry and have me with an INFJ man, who happens to be both the natural partner for the ENFP and ENTP. We find a lot of middle ground and soothing about the other from him.


    So do any of you have NF children?
    Were any of you children of NF parents?
    Possibly an NF lurking around who has an NT parent can give me their perspective.

    Post away, loves! c:
    "I do not have delusions of grandeur. I am grand!" - My Mother (An ENTP)

  2. #2
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    Wow! This is the dynamic exactly in my family. I'm INFJ and I'm the caretaker, soother of bad feelings and the one who does the laundry. My husband is ENTP and my daughter is ENFP and they do have this incredible ability to work together, but my husband's bluntness and "every man for himself" attitude infuriates my daughter -- but in many ways, it's also a challenge to her. They both drive each other bananas with their hit-and-miss attitude toward responsibilities and their tendencies to make big plans and then not follow through. My daughter has hero-worshiped my husband since day one, but lately I've noticed that she's paying more attention to me as a person (not just as a mom), asking me for advice and modeling her behaviors off me more, which gives her balance. They both come to me complaining about the other one and I'm always very, very careful to listen and sympathize but especially to help them see the other's perspective and learn to be respectful toward each other, even when they respectfully disagree. As for ENTPs hogging the conversation, my husband and father-in-law are both ENTPs -- I don't think my father-in-law knows that I can talk (and he probably doesn't care) because when the two of them get together it's a non-stop ego-fest. Luckily, they don't see too much of each other!

  3. #3
    Member Waffle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily Bart View Post
    Wow! This is the dynamic exactly in my family. I'm INFJ and I'm the caretaker, soother of bad feelings and the one who does the laundry. My husband is ENTP and my daughter is ENFP and they do have this incredible ability to work together, but my husband's bluntness and "every man for himself" attitude infuriates my daughter -- but in many ways, it's also a challenge to her. They both drive each other bananas with their hit-and-miss attitude toward responsibilities and their tendencies to make big plans and then not follow through. My daughter has hero-worshiped my husband since day one, but lately I've noticed that she's paying more attention to me as a person (not just as a mom), asking me for advice and modeling her behaviors off me more, which gives her balance. They both come to me complaining about the other one and I'm always very, very careful to listen and sympathize but especially to help them see the other's perspective and learn to be respectful toward each other, even when they respectfully disagree. As for ENTPs hogging the conversation, my husband and father-in-law are both ENTPs -- I don't think my father-in-law knows that I can talk (and he probably doesn't care) because when the two of them get together it's a non-stop ego-fest. Luckily, they don't see too much of each other!
    I've always been a daddy's girl, so I'm softer ENFP. However, I have been going to my mom a lot more lately for advice. She's really knowledgeable, and can give good advice. Yet most of the time she's terribly unhelpful, because it can be along the lines of "Well I don't know. If they're not benefiting you, get rid of them. You don't need dead weight." ENFPs don't work that way. Does your daughter have any problems getting your husband to listen to her? No matter what I have to say, my mother is extremely good at either not listening or getting the conversation on a topic about her. I love my INFJ father because he actually really listens. He's usually slow on the feedback (He waits a day then calls me back to talk about it), but he really couldn't be more interested in what I have to say. I love INFJs. Every single one I've met actually deeply cares, rather then pretends. You're all amazing.
    "I do not have delusions of grandeur. I am grand!" - My Mother (An ENTP)

  4. #4
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    Lol waffle, your signature says it all.

    One thing you could do is toughen up (not in a mean sense). Essentially, learn how to take over a conversation when your mom is talking too much again, if the subject is something you started in the first place a simple "mom, I'm telling the story, you can add stuff to it later" generally does the job in a clear and positive way, especially if she knows you think she talks too much. My friends once told me that I interrupt them a lot, a simple 'shhh' or a raised finger is now suffice to make notice when I'm doing it again, and if I don't agree with their 'shhh' or think they are being rude I will call them out on that anyway.
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  5. #5
    Member Waffle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    Lol waffle, your signature says it all.

    One thing you could do is toughen up (not in a mean sense). Essentially, learn how to take over a conversation when your mom is talking too much again, if the subject is something you started in the first place a simple "mom, I'm telling the story, you can add stuff to it later" generally does the job in a clear and positive way, especially if she knows you think she talks too much. My friends once told me that I interrupt them a lot, a simple 'shhh' or a raised finger is now suffice to make notice when I'm doing it again, and if I don't agree with their 'shhh' or think they are being rude I will call them out on that anyway.
    I've actually started just making a loud noise to interrupt her if she's off about something, then talking very loudly and slightly condescending (Not easy for an ENFP). It's sort of that thing you do towards a bear ("I'M BIGGER THAN YOU RAAAAAAAAH."). I know treating my mom like you would a bear attack doesn't seem nice, but it actually works. She stops and listens without being offended. I've tried telling her nicely, and people will interject for me, knowing I'm terribly uncomfortable doing so. When I'm talking to my mom in a heated situation, I take on more of my sister's ESTP type. She's really good at taking over a lost situation with our mom, and giving everyone a chance to speak.
    "I do not have delusions of grandeur. I am grand!" - My Mother (An ENTP)

  6. #6
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Waffle View Post
    I've actually started just making a loud noise to interrupt her if she's off about something, then talking very loudly and slightly condescending (Not easy for an ENFP). It's sort of that thing you do towards a bear ("I'M BIGGER THAN YOU RAAAAAAAAH."). I know treating my mom like you would a bear attack doesn't seem nice, but it actually works. She stops and listens without being offended. I've tried telling her nicely, and people will interject for me, knowing I'm terribly uncomfortable doing so. When I'm talking to my mom in a heated situation, I take on more of my sister's ESTP type. She's really good at taking over a lost situation with our mom, and giving everyone a chance to speak.
    Just knowing several ENTP's (and being very similar to them myself), I think your best "strategy" (for lack of a better word) when she tries to take over the conversation is one of the following. I think these are the only things that have any chance of working:

    1. Keep talking and/or telling your story. Just keep going as if she never even started talking. You have to keep going until she stops though, because if you stop and she's still going, then you've basically "relinquished center stage" (she stole it, but you didn't fight for it either).

    2. Stop talking, look right at her (in front of everyone) and firmly say, "I'm talking! When I'm done, you can talk all you want - you can talk until your heart is content - but, right now, I would appreciate it if you let me finish." And then just continue talking.

    3. Get up and walk out right when she interrupts. Just stop your story and leave the room. Don't pout about it. Just go do something else for an hour and don't let it affect your mood at all.

    These things might seem abrasive, but they're really not. This is how to speak our language. If you take the "soft approach" with NT's, it's very likely that you won't get results. I don't "try" to walk over people, but sometimes it's only when someone stands up to me that I realize what I did. If they just "give me the floor", I may never know I did anything wrong.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  7. #7
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Waffle View Post
    I've actually started just making a loud noise to interrupt her if she's off about something, then talking very loudly and slightly condescending (Not easy for an ENFP). It's sort of that thing you do towards a bear ("I'M BIGGER THAN YOU RAAAAAAAAH."). I know treating my mom like you would a bear attack doesn't seem nice, but it actually works. She stops and listens without being offended. I've tried telling her nicely, and people will interject for me, knowing I'm terribly uncomfortable doing so. When I'm talking to my mom in a heated situation, I take on more of my sister's ESTP type. She's really good at taking over a lost situation with our mom, and giving everyone a chance to speak.
    Yeah, stopping a bear attack, sounds perfect actually! Make sure she knows it's 'you time'. By the way, I love the metaphor of the bear attack.

    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    Just knowing several ENTP's (and being very similar to them myself), I think your best "strategy" (for lack of a better word) when she tries to take over the conversation is one of the following. I think these are the only things that have any chance of working:

    1. Keep talking and/or telling your story. Just keep going as if she never even started talking. You have to keep going until she stops though, because if you stop and she's still going, then you've basically "relinquished center stage" (she stole it, but you didn't fight for it either).

    2. Stop talking, look right at her (in front of everyone) and firmly say, "I'm talking! When I'm done, you can talk all you want - you can talk until your heart is content - but, right now, I would appreciate it if you let me finish." And then just continue talking.

    3. Get up and walk out right when she interrupts. Just stop your story and leave the room. Don't pout about it. Just go do something else for an hour and don't let it affect your mood at all.

    These things might seem abrasive, but they're really not. This is how to speak our language. If you take the "soft approach" with NT's, it's very likely that you won't get results. I don't "try" to walk over people, but sometimes it's only when someone stands up to me that I realize what I did. If they just "give me the floor", I may never know I did anything wrong.
    The second option is perfect, the other two are just plain rude. The third option sounds a bit passive aggressive even.
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  8. #8
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    The second option is perfect, the other two are just plain rude. The third option sounds a bit passive aggressive even.
    I guess as an introvert myself, I don't find anything wrong with option 3. I have every right to quietly remove myself from the situation and go run some errands or do something I want to do. Why sit there and be interrupted all day? It depends on what the event is. If it's someone else's birthday party or Christmas Day or some other big day, then I probably wouldn't do that. But, that action isn't about being passive-aggressive towards the other person. It's mostly just me saying, "I'm going to go do something else for a bit. Something enjoyable. See you guys in a while." No hard feelings, no lingering anger. I'm just not going to fight for "the floor" and continue to lose the fight. I have other things I can be doing, so I'll take the opportunity to go do them.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  9. #9
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I guess as an introvert myself, I don't find anything wrong with option 3. I have every right to quietly remove myself from the situation and go run some errands or do something I want to do. Why sit there and be interrupted all day? It depends on what the event is. If it's someone else's birthday party or Christmas Day or some other big day, then I probably wouldn't do that. But, that action isn't about being passive-aggressive towards the other person. It's mostly just me saying, "I'm going to go do something else for a bit. Something enjoyable. See you guys in a while." No hard feelings, no lingering anger. I'm just not going to fight for "the floor" and continue to lose the fight. I have other things I can be doing, so I'll take the opportunity to go do them.
    You're right to some extent, but I hope you can imagine that people can be offended when you just walk away when they are talking. I know I would be if you did that without giving a good explanation.
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  10. #10
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    You're right to some extent, but I hope you can imagine that people can be offended when you just walk away when they are talking. I know I would be if you did that without giving a good explanation.
    The situation we are talking about, however, is when *I was talking* (or the original poster was talking) and then we were continually spoken over or interrupted.

    We're not talking about a situation where you just get tired of someone else's boring stories, so you get up and leave. That's not the case. It's when YOU WERE TALKING and they rudely took over. And did it again. And again. And again. For hours on end, like the OP's birthday party. It's just silliness on their part. I'm not being rude. They are. So, I just peacefully do something else. If they *want an explanation*, the explanation is simply, "you keep talking over me. It's very rude. I'm not angry or anything like that. Continue to enjoy your day. I'm going to go do something else."

    I mean, if the OP wants *results* or actually wants her mother to stop doing what she's doing, then these are the kind of things that might make her see the light. If she doesn't want results and wants to continue being talked over and rudely interrupted and extremely frustrated, then I guess just sit there and politely listen every time she interrupts. But, maybe that's the difference between T and F mind sets? One is willing to put up with just about anything and tolerate nonsense for the sake of harmony, while the other just isn't going to put up with it.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

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