[INTJ] Emotional rejection?

[Antimony]

I surely can't be the only one who feels some sense of rejection when extreme emotional acts are shown, and ignored, or merely recognized with a simple 'aww, you are so cute', like it really didn't mean much but dammit I worked forever on it.

Am I just overly sensitive about some of these things, or does this happen to others (in large-ish amounts...not that it doesn't happen to anyone else).

I just feel so...I dunno, out of place overall when doing extreme emotional/thoughtful/sweet acts or whatver, but I don't really notice it until it doesn't get the reaction (aka a big one) that I was hoping for. I feel like it undermines my reputation as a robot (which I sort of try to maintain for the purpose of protection/it is comfortable). And then when I don't get the reaction I was hoping for, I tell myself "oh, well, don't be sweet anymore...you are too sappy, too needy, this is pitiful" etc

It is just really bothering because I enjoy making people happy, but when it goes unnoticed, I want to stop, but sometimes I keep doing and feel like an idiot. I am not entirely sure why I feel like an idiot when initiating emotional things.

Soooo...for lack of a better term....how do I stop being sensitive to reactions to things that make me feel vulnerable?

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

When I show emotions I just get labelled as acting childish because the difference between how I normally act and how I do when I actually feel passionate, or caring are so great. The divide between the two states may be part of the cause of our problem (Though when I think about this statement my natural inclination is to think the person recieving what affection we have is 'lucky'). Let me think on this some more and come back with a better answer.

 

[Halla74]

I think the first thing to do is to not setup an expected response for anything that you do for another person.

How that person responds to what you do for them is entirely out of your control, and thus not a good candidate for setting expectations on.

Acts of service and giving of gifts are two things that seem likely candidates for the phenomena you speak of.

If you simply recognize that these things you do are for the sake of another person simply because you care to do as such for them, and have no expectation of return then you free yourself from being disappointed if they react differently than you think they should when they receive the fruits of your kindness.

 

[miss fortune]

I just conclude that anyone who does not appreciate something awesome I've done for them is an undeserving asshole who shall not receive my kindness in the future

yes, it's a cold view, but a little courtesey and thankfullness never killed anyone

*aka, whatever has a quick temper with those who are not as polite as she is at times

 

[Antimony]

When I show emotions I just get labelled as acting childish because the difference between how I normally act and how I do when I actually feel passionate, or caring are so great. The divide between the two states may be part of the cause of our problem (Though when I think about this statement my natural inclination is to think the person recieving what affection we have is 'lucky'). Let me think on this some more and come back with a better answer.

I shall await your wisdom

I think the first thing to do is to not setup an expected response for anything that you do for another person.

How that person responds to what you do for them is entirely out of your control, and thus not a good candidate for setting expectations on.

Acts of service and giving of gifts are two things that seem likely candidates for the phenomena you speak of.

If you simply recognize that these things you do are for the sake of another person simply because you care to do as such for them, and have no expectation of return then you free yourself from being disappointed if they react differently than you think they should when they receive the fruits of your kindness.

I don't set up an expected response...just when I do things, they tend to be really over the top. So, I dunno, I want some kind of correlation between the level of creativity and effort and the reaction.

I just conclude that anyone who does not appreciate something awesome I've done for them is an undeserving asshole who shall not receive my kindness in the future

yes, it's a cold view, but a little courtesey and thankfullness never killed anyone

*aka, whatever has a quick temper with those who are not as polite as she is at times

He pays attention, but he is an INTJ...therefore I make it my goal to get a reaction out of him. I just like getting reactions outta people!

 

[miss fortune]

oooh... I can understand that!

yeah, I used to go WAY over the top in complements to my ISTJ until he got the point that I thrive on attention and praise, and now occasionally remembers to praise my good deeds

 

[Antimony]

I ALWAYS go all over the top...it is getting quite extreme!

 

[tcda]

I think Hall74 is right (he'll be surprised to me hear me say that!).

Antimony - I think you explained your own problem:

I don't set up an expected response...just when I do things, they tend to be really over the top. So, I dunno, I want some kind of correlation between the level of creativity and effort and the reaction.

Sounds like you need to take more conscious control of your Fe.

Think about it fromt he other person's point of view - you are usually very unemotional and then suddenly you pour out a load of uncontrolled emotion on them. How is that not supposed to leave them wrongfooted?...

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

^ That's! what I meant. You said that much better than I did.

 

[Antimony]

I am not generally unemotional....it tends to have some kind of buildup! It all just kind of...I dunno, happens! I wasn't saying it leaves him wrongfooted or anything.

 

[SillySapienne]

I think I'm a 4 because my dad told me when I was 12 that he did not love me.

Awesomepossum.

Emotional rejection is a travesty.

 

[JustHer]

If someone didnt appreciate something I've put a lot of "emotions" into I'd just slap them and be like OKAY NOW WE ARE GOING TO TRY THIS AGAIN, BUT WITH A LITTLE MORE ENTHUSIASM, K?

 

[mcmartinez84]

I don't set up an expected response...just when I do things, they tend to be really over the top. So, I dunno, I want some kind of correlation between the level of creativity and effort and the reaction.

That's an expectation right there.

Personally, I'm an acts-of-service type. If I do something for someone, all I want is a little thanks. They don't have to be giddy or excited or even return the favor or give me beer or a meal... They just have to appreciate what I did and then I feel ok with how it all played out.

I might expect more if I did something out of the ordinary, like make some sentimental doodad for them. I feel like that's going out of my way more than say, helping someone move or setting up their tv/computer/whatever.

I've had higher expectations in the past and people are ungrateful jerks. You can't control anything except what you do.

 

[Coriolis]

I just feel so...I dunno, out of place overall when doing extreme emotional/thoughtful/sweet acts or whatver, but I don't really notice it until it doesn't get the reaction (aka a big one) that I was hoping for. I feel like it undermines my reputation as a robot (which I sort of try to maintain for the purpose of protection/it is comfortable). And then when I don't get the reaction I was hoping for, I tell myself "oh, well, don't be sweet anymore...you are too sappy, too needy, this is pitiful" etc

It is just really bothering because I enjoy making people happy, but when it goes unnoticed, I want to stop, but sometimes I keep doing and feel like an idiot. I am not entirely sure why I feel like an idiot when initiating emotional things.

Soooo...for lack of a better term....how do I stop being sensitive to reactions to things that make me feel vulnerable?

This does not cover all of what you are talking about, but when I do nice things for people, I prefer it to be completely anonymous. I get my satisfaction from seeing them enjoy or make use of whatever I have done from a distance, without the attention, fuss, or emotional scene of being directly involved in their reaction. If my action cannot be anonymous, the next best thing is for only the target person to be involved or around when I do it. Then I do my best to downplay their reaction and minimize the emotional interaction.

 

[MiasmaResonance]

You are an NT..your emotional, ooey gooey and kind acts are made evident less often than with other types. When you do show such things, you want to be recognized and appreciated for it, since they are so rare. It's natural.

 

[Coriolis]

You are an NT..your emotional, ooey gooey and kind acts are made evident less often than with other types. When you do show such things, you want to be recognized and appreciated for it, since they are so rare. It's natural.

No, actually, I really don't care about recognition, and my kind actions are not that rare. My concern is mostly that the act had the desired effect, and the intended beneficiary did indeed benefit. A direct acknowledgment can provide this assurance, but my own observations and third party reports can as well. I find direct thanks and recognition quite embarrassing and prefer to minimize it.

 

[runvardh]

He pays attention, but he is an INTJ...therefore I make it my goal to get a reaction out of him. I just like getting reactions outta people!

This is where you fucked up.

 

[Uytuun]

This is where you fucked up.

yup

 

[Moiety]

How about growing a pair?

If you want to give, give freely, without expecting something in return. No, seriously.

 

[Antimony]

^ it isn't that it is not freely, because obviously I still give, even with not much/nothing in return. I was just curious about how others of differing/same types would feel in a similar situation.

This is where you fucked up.

It makes me feel a little less like everyone else if he shows more attention to what I do, instead of ignoring it.


I am over it by now, anyway. I was probably just about to be on my period when I made this thread and was more emotionally sensitive.