[INTJ] Expressing emotions properly as an INTJ

[goodgrief]

I don't seem to be able to do it at all. Most of the time with my friends I am casual, pensive or happy/laughing. But I can't seem to show my other emotions properly. When I am stressed I talk to myself fast and try to explain to others why I'm irritated, though they don't seem to be too worried. I also have anxiety so when I try to express emotional unhappiness, I end up underplaying it and acting the same as I do when I'm irritated. Or I'll occasionally do a monotone pessimistic behaviour, but I can never really show my sadness properly. So basically no one knows what I'm feeling and no one cares. I hate it because as much as I go over them in my head I can't deal with my problems by myself.

How are other INTJs with emotions and stuff.

 

[entropie]

I wouldnt think its possible to express your emotions, if you do not understand them yourself. Therefore I think in most cases the first step is to admit that one does not understand his emotions himself, aka "to give up control", which then leads to the point that you'll be enabled to listen to others giving a perception about you and with their help and information about yourself, you'll be able to create a wholer picture of yourself.

This is a process that takes very long, I am 26 yrs old now and I am still not thru with it.

I personally think, due to having a kinda phlegmatic temperament as an NT you are for a major part of your life concerned with reflecting upon the emotions you see and the ones you think of to be real emotions from yourself ( or better: the few you allow to happen ). I have gained the best understanding about my own emotions by finding a partner who understood them. But this took a long time and had me stroll a stony path.

I think that the outcome of a rather very or intensively complicated development that is understanding your emotions for a NT must be something beautiful seen from the Point of Wisdom. Because years of reflection and thinking in quiet has brought one some day to the point in which he by far overtook all the other people so damned good at expressing their emotions but never really knowing anything about the why or the what it means.

I know that didnt answer your question, but I feel like talking today and this thread I victimized

 

[Oaky]

goodgrief. I am similar to you when it comes to displaying my emotions. However, although I may need it, I never really want help to deal with my problems. I have always found loopholes and narrow pathways for my problems that usually require more than just my effort.
I don't see your problem as expressing emotions, rather it is trying to express that you need help. The simple way would be just to ask for help but I can understand the irritating feeling you would get if you were to do that. It may hurt one's own sense of pride but when you must, you must.

 

[ceecee]

Let me just start off by saying this takes decades to learn and even then you never end up as proficient as you'd like. The biggest thing is that you have to do a) open up to people more often than just during sad/angry/frustrated times and b) you have to ask them for help. There is nothing worse than an INTJ coming unglued because of emotions. It's the worst kind of meltdown and spews the most wretched, self-loathing and blatantly untrue babel from a human mouth ever. Trust me on this.

So basically no one knows what I'm feeling and no one cares. I hate it because as much as I go over them in my head I can't deal with my problems by myself.

Oh god stop. Yes they care. No you have never attempted to let them I'm betting and they can't understand a word you're saying when you're in the emo zone. Maybe writing it out would help. It does help me. If I have trouble expressing my feelings I IM my husband. Even if he is in the same room with me. Saying something like....as much as I go over them in my head I can't deal with my problems by myself. Can you help me? is a good first step.

 

[BlackCat]

I'm sure your friends care about how you're feeling. You care about how they're feeling, right?

In my experience it's the easiest to express emotion when the context is just right for it. So maybe when you are obviously brooding about it and nothing is being said, you could speak up? You won't be happy until you do if it's bothering you like this; and you'll definitely feel relieved.

A lot of people don't feel good about showing their negative emotions because they have a "bad" connotation. If it's important to you to show your negative emotions to your friends, then it's not a bad thing. That came out weird, but I hope you get my drift.

Good luck!

 

[yvonne]

do this with a friend you trust... or just listen to the song...

"Cry"

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel a fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
Once again.
Cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

(james blunt).

 

[Arthur Schopenhauer]

Let me just start off by saying this takes decades to learn and even then you never end up as proficient as you'd like. The biggest thing is that you have to do a) open up to people more often than just during sad/angry/frustrated times and b) you have to ask them for help. There is nothing worse than an INTJ coming unglued because of emotions. It's the worst kind of meltdown and spews the most wretched, self-loathing and blatantly untrue babel from a human mouth ever. Trust me on this.

I never open up, ever. It's uncomfortable to do.

Also, I've experienced a couple of those meltdowns.

 

[ceecee]

I never open up, ever. It's uncomfortable to do.

Also, I've experienced a couple of those meltdowns.

Oh well yeah it is uncomfortable. Downright painful even. No one said it would be easy. But the OP is asking how to do so. Not to continue on the same path.

 

[Arthur Schopenhauer]

Oh well yeah it is uncomfortable. Downright painful even. No one said it would be easy. But the OP is asking how to do so. Not to continue on the same path.

I am asking the same question.

 

[Coriolis]

I don't seem to be able to do it at all. Most of the time with my friends I am casual, pensive or happy/laughing. But I can't seem to show my other emotions properly. When I am stressed I talk to myself fast and try to explain to others why I'm irritated, though they don't seem to be too worried. I also have anxiety so when I try to express emotional unhappiness, I end up underplaying it and acting the same as I do when I'm irritated. Or I'll occasionally do a monotone pessimistic behaviour, but I can never really show my sadness properly. So basically no one knows what I'm feeling and no one cares. I hate it because as much as I go over them in my head I can't deal with my problems by myself.

What kind of help are you looking for? Help handling the emotions, or help addressing the cause of negative emotions?

Entropie is right about it being hard to express emotions that one does not understand. This is usually my situation. I recognize that I am experiencing a strong emotion, but then immediately look for the cause of it and address that. For example, if I have been worried and anxious, and realize it is because my company is downsizing and I might lose my job, I spend some time addressing that problem: how likely is it? can I avoid it? would it make sense to start looking for another job? Once I have defined the problem and formulated a plan of action, the emotion usually dissipates. I will willingly enlist the help of friends and associates on the practical end, but it never occurs to me to discuss the emotional content with them, or to spend time and effort digging into it much myself.

 

[ObeyBunny]

I’m an INTJ and for the longest time I couldn’t show emotion. (I felt them, I couldn’t show them.) Before I turned 17, my laughter consisted of polite chuckles and held back coughing-snorts. At one point, I think my ENFP (ENTP?) brother started wondering if I was depressed (or at least not experiencing happiness.) In the breadth of 2 months, he paid for two of my movie tickets for comedies (he was an adult who wasn’t living under the same roof as me).

On the way out of theater to his car, he asked me “How come I never see you laughing?” To which I didn’t have a good response. I remember thinking the words “I did enjoy the movie, I just didn’t laugh” but I didn’t say it.

 

[LightSun]

expressing emotions properly as an INTJ

I have noticed an interesting distinction regarding thinkers and feelers. I am now going to generalize. Feelers need validation before they can properly access the problem and deal with it. It is like an overload. It is the tip of the iceberg and must be properly addressed before one can go deeper to actually do some problem solving. Thinkers on the other hand want results. Are action and solution based in dealing with the problem. If a feeler is forced to problem solve without adequetly addressing the emotion they may be hurt or possibly angry feeling misunderstood. If a thinker is validated and forced to address their feelings they may well be irritated. It is also extremely interesting that the mental health profession is taught to address the feeling, to listen and validation is required. There are multiple disciplines in the mental health field Carl Rogers is more feeling oriented and is like me, INFP. Albert Ellis however was far more dictatorial with his approach. I have found it interesting to view the approaches required to deal with SJ, SP, NF, & NT precluded sensitivities and mind sets.

 

[eagleseven]

It's a learned response, and I treat expressing emotion like any other skill.

It sounds like your fundamental problem is that you are trying to explain your feelings to others. Feelers don't respond well to explanations, but they pick up rapidly on body language.

When sad, don't explain that you are sad, but rather make yourself physically appear small, and adopt poor posture. People will pick up that you are feeling bad.

When angry, breathe heavily, use a strong, upright posture, speak loudly, move deliberately and with great force. People will rapidly realize that you are hot under the collar.

When anxious, rapidly talking is a good start, but nervously tapping your foot, or fingers, rapidly will also clue people in. Making all your movements short and rapid will give the impression that you are tense.

---

Fs do this naturally, but we generally don't, which provides some advantages. Primarily, we can express an emotion that we are not actively feeling, for effect. If you are angry at a superior, you can outwardly appear happy, even as you boil on the inside. Likewise, you can appear sad and depressed at bad news, even if on the inside, your morbid sense of humor is wildly laughing.

On the other hand, we can come off as less-than-genuine to very perceptive individuals.

 

[yvonne]

On the other hand, we can come off as less-than-genuine to very perceptive individuals.

yes, so i suggest not faking. (and i don't mean keeping your emotions in check at times.)

also, explanations are always good.

 

[goodgrief]

@ Eagleseven

I do try to convey myself through body language since I am shy aboutactually saying things, but most of my friends are thinkers and are either oblivious or don't think I want help. I do tend to do fiddling and stuff just in general so they don't really get anything from that.

 

[goodgrief]

@ Eagleseven

I do try to convey myself through body language since I am shy aboutactually saying things, but most of my friends are thinkers and are either oblivious or don't think I want help. I do tend to do fiddling and stuff just in general so they don't really get anything from that.

 

[yvonne]

^ how about posting in the "what are you feeling right now?" thread? you could get some virtual hugs.

 

[goodgrief]

meh. I've had plenty of virtual hugs. They don't really do the trick.

 

[yvonne]

yeah, i get it.

still, it has helped me, though... you know, conversing with people online and getting the feeling that they care.

 

[01011010]

do this with a friend you trust... or just listen to the song...

Is this sarcasm?



Music can help. I've used it myself to get in touch with feelings before, but not with lyrics. Especially lyrics of the emo variety, which tend to be hilarious. If that's what you're going for than great. Otherwise, instrumental or in a language you don't understand is better.