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[INTP] How have you, as an INTP, dealt with a painful breakup?

NotOfTwo

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This is my have first thread. I hope you will help me. I have freshly been broken up with by my best friend/boyfriend and fellow iNtP. I am still in numb mode but I can feel the shards threatening to stab me. My instinct is to deny and encapsulate my sadness. I would like to handle this in a healthier way. How have you survived this? I know this is about to crush me bad. Sorry to be dramatic, I normally am a "robot" but this defeats me.
 

Unique

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When that happened to me I simply cried to myself while musing over thoughts

What I've discovered is I feel much much worse if I'm still logically obsessed with working everything out, unfortunately it doesn't seem to end until I actually do have some sort of apiffany, once you understand how and why things happened it may become easier

Interestingly it doesn't actually have to be real either, playing alternate scenarios in my head seems to instantly calm me down
 

Shimmy

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I deal with breakups by distracting myself basically, go do sports, hang out with friends, ask your boss if you can work longer. After a couple of weeks the heavy emotional burden wears off and I can stand being alone better. Watch out with alcohol, I tend to drink way too much when I'm down.
 

Spamtar

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Did you love the person? If so you’re fucked. Even if not and you think you were just fond of them take my advice and find another mate ASAP even for the limited purpose of the short term...better yet just date/fuck. Most likely you will chose not to follow this advice and go over it over and over in your mind like some kind of self made hell/purgatory (the fact that they are an INtP might give you some satisfaction as reciprocation/misery loves company...but really in the big picture it means little...simply vanity.

So I avoid close attachments and have studied the arts of seduction and love and the meaning of life and essentially come to the determination that all is futile. Then I stop sweating the big stuff and soon stop sweating the little stuff too. (except the few idiosyncrasies such on how to make a proper cupa tea or mi tie.)

Then you feel like the pain has built character and you are one with the universe and then suddenly...out of nowhere....blamo!...you’re in love again with someone new who makes your world/universe new...and all that thinking/feeling/suffering/learning/metamorphism is for not. So do yourself a favor and get a quick replacement.
 

hilo

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I have been there. It came out of "nowhere", I was totally in love with the guy, and it left me a complete sobbing, self-destructive wreck (180 degrees from my normal even keel... friends were shocked, to say the least). I cried a lot, I dwelt on the past (unhealthy Si) a lot, and worst of all, started being really unhealthy to myself (self-loathing became self-destructive). I stopped eating, smoked a pack of cigarettes a day, would get completely drunk at night, etc. Really bad stuff.

It took about a month for all the extremely bad stuff to get over with, and move on to a more low-level depression which I slowly climbed out of. My situation was fucked up because we became friends with benefits for a year afterwards and it wasn't until I started liking someone new that I realized what an idiot I had been.

It honestly just takes time to an extent. If at all possible, DO NOT SEE the guy. Do not let yourself believe that it can work out in the future, that he'll change his mind - this prolongs torment. My recommendation is do not try to be friends until you are each dating someone new.

Don't be unhealthy to yourself, if that is a temptation (for you it may not be). Take care of yourself. Take a trip out of town if at all possible. Work out a lot (helps your confidence). Go do something you wouldn't have done if you were still in a relationship (dance classes, weird concerts, whatever) to remind yourself what a cool kid you are. Reconnect with friends you neglected (just don't talk about the breakup). Most of all- remember that you are an awesome person and take care of yourself first.

Hope that helps.
 

EcK

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crash_position.gif


?
 

Spamtar

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These are are very painful times especially for an INTP in apparent instances such as these when who allows someone to get under their armor. (most mates/dates do not)

This is a key time to metamorphose, do something extreme (possibly purposely release your Shadow functions to accomplish a quest of enormity) In other words embarking on a quest to destroy the Ring of Power by tossing it into Mt. Doom not only displaces prior pain but also creates a power source to push yourself much further and which substantially greater motivation than you normally would otherwise be with the heartbreak.
 

Totenkindly

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I don't remember much except that acceptance of the breakup (rather than fighting it inside) and time for my interests to shift elsewhere helped me through.

The one time I got dumped unexpectedly, it took another four years for me to get over it. We didn't see each other much, I'd feel like I was over it, but then if we ever got together for anything, I'd get conflicting signals and then my heart would leap at the thought of it working again. :doh:

If you can "kill it dead" to yourself and not have unrealistic hopes / mixed vibes on it, that will speed the process. Eventually I became interested in other people and focused on other pursuits. The "hole" in your life until that time, where you keep wanting to be with or think about the missing person, is the worst.

In other words embarking on a quest to destroy the Ring of Power by tossing it into Mt. Doom not only displaces prior pain but also creates a power source to push yourself much further and which substantially greater motivation than you normally would otherwise be with the heartbreak.

Nenya is mine regardless, I don't care what you do with the One Ring.
 

INTPness

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A broken heart is one of the few instances in life where I've been truly shaken. Even the death of an elderly loved one could be dealt with fairly well because there was some time to prepare for it. My mind knew it would happen eventually. I had already come to terms with it in a way - in advance of it actually happening.

But, a sudden loss of something or someone you truly love can really rattle your foundation a bit. Interestingly enough, for me it has been these times that have made me really evaluate my life and what I'm doing with it - what is important to me. The hurt has caused me to look at the truly important questions in life. "What am I here for?" "What do I want out of this life?" "What am I doing right now to make those things a reality?" After some mourning and some deep pain, these questions turn into, "Let's get the show back on the road!" The bruise remains (and it's a reference point of where you've been) but it also allows a little thing called humility to enter the room. And for me, the pain has eventually turned into motivation to be the best me that I can be. Truly, if it doesn't kill me, it only makes me stronger.
 

Shimmy

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If at all possible, DO NOT SEE the guy. Do not let yourself believe that it can work out in the future, that he'll change his mind - this prolongs torment. My recommendation is do not try to be friends until you are each dating someone new.

Yeah, I second this.

There is another thing that really helps me deal with unresolved emotions. It equates to severely messing with your neurotransmitters for a short period of time. Taking magic mushrooms gives me a fresh perspective on things. Read about the risks and legal status before use.
 

atticus

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Firstly, if it was a bad breakup, don't take it personally. A lot of people I talk to that decide to cut things off in an immediate fashion in their romantic lives is mostly due to their own personal shortcomings that they aren't comfortable with at the time.

Secondly, express yourself. I know we're INTPs and at some points in our lives are terribly equipped to do so, but find a way. Try writing a letter to the other person describing how you feel and how you wanted things to work out, but never send it to them. Instead, stash it someplace private, and when you get to the point (Weeks, months, possibly years later) where you can rip it up/burn it/etc without thinking twice about it, then you can start the real healing process. A few glasses of wine will help this along.

Third, don't push yourself to move on too quickly. We all have our own pace, so don't let your friends convince you that seeing someone else will help you get over the situation. It only helps in the same way as breaking your finger helps take away the pain from a gunshot wound in the leg. I lost the only woman I've loved to a drug addiction years ago, and have from then on filled that space with meaningless flings. It's a slippery slope, and it's not worth it.

Lastly, get out of the house, and stay out. Burn the candle at both ends in your extracurricular life for a little while. Introverted thinking is the enemy in this situation, and the simplest way to battle it is to keep yourself busy.

"Pick yourself up, Dust yourself off, Start all over again..."
 

Fluffywolf

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My most painful break up was me needing a few hours to think about it, felt some emotions, rationalized what was rationalizable and forgot the rest. And moved on. It's the getting seperated without breaking up that did me in once though. :yes:
 

JocktheMotie

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This is going to sound bad and unsympathetic, but I've tried to simulate a breakup in my mind before to see how I would deal with it, and the overarching feeling/thoughts I had were that of anger and "what a fucking waste of time." Almost like being angry at myself for not taking warning signs more seriously or that I was being duped.

That, and a fear of never finding anyone again.
 

Fluffywolf

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This is going to sound bad and unsympathetic, but I've tried to simulate a breakup in my mind before to see how I would deal with it, and the overarching feeling/thoughts I had were that of anger and "what a fucking waste of time." Almost like being angry at myself for not taking warning signs more seriously or that I was being duped.

That, and a fear of never finding anyone again.

Yeah, but that feeling of anger is very temporary. Before long you realize your losses as well as gains, and put everything in perspective.

I once wrote a poem after something that I suppose could be seen similar in nature like a break up. Although in my case it was a friend that dissappointed me quite a bit. I experienced anger, wrote some stuff down, went for a drive. Within 2 hours it had all dissappated. :p

As for not taking signs seriously, or blaming yourself for not noticing it before. That's something INTP's can prolly better stay away from, at least I know I wasn't very good at that. But that's a whole different story. :D
 

JocktheMotie

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I suppose. Once the inferno of anger subsides I'm sure the nostalgia and sense of loss would be hard, and fill in the gaps the anger occupied.

I feel like it'd be harder for me to break up than be broken up with. I'd second guess that decision for the rest of my life.
 

Fluffywolf

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I suppose. Once the inferno of anger subsides I'm sure the nostalgia and sense of loss would be hard, and fill in the gaps the anger occupied.

I feel like it'd be harder for me to break up than be broken up with. I'd second guess that decision for the rest of my life.

Really? :eek:

I suppose it would depend what the break up is based on. I wouldn't break up with someone without a good reason, and with good reason I don't have to second guess. :D

What really sucks is the "I love you, but for reasons I can't explain I'm breaking up with you." method. That would be hard for me to process.
 

Totenkindly

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I feel like it'd be harder for me to break up than be broken up with. I'd second guess that decision for the rest of my life.

Oh, I totally get it.

I'm much better at adjusting to change, even painful change, over which I had no control than to make the decision in the first place where it was up to me.

I just made a decision like that a few days ago and I'm wondering if I'll live to regret it.
 

Fluffywolf

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Pft, what kind of INTP's are you two!? (Read as: What kind of INTP am I!?)

I'm fine with adjusting to some changes, even painful ones if there was reason for it. I am incapable of adjusting or accepting change that I can't rationalize.
 

JocktheMotie

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Really? :eek:

I suppose it would depend what the break up is based on. I wouldn't break up with someone without a good reason, and with good reason I don't have to second guess. :D

What really sucks is the "I love you, but for reasons I can't explain I'm breaking up with you." method. That would be hard for me to process.

Actually that does make sense, if it were obvious. But to me, these things never are.

Yeah that'd be hard too, for me. More confusing than anything else. I'm one of those "all you need is love" retards :doh: That statement is like that "it's not you it's me" thing. Just trying to not hurt the other person as much as possible, which is silly.
 

Totenkindly

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Pft, what kind of INTP's are you two!? (Read as: What kind of INTP am I!?)

I'm fine with adjusting to some changes, even painful ones if there was reason for it. I am incapable of adjusting or accepting change that I can't rationalize.

I'm the INTP you want to go grocery shopping with, silly! :newwink:

... there are different flavors of INTP. I'm far more P and seem to favor my Ne when I interact with the world rather than applying more rigid Ti-style approach on the world.

What happens is that I see that something has to happen (such as splitting up with my SO), it's all very clear to me and makes the most sense, it's not even an issue in terms of what makes sense.... but I just feel very uncomfortable applying that decision because it reduces my options and commits me to a new path. I've always had issues making a decision to change things when it involves closing doors.

I can flex to things I don't particularly agree with intellectually, at least on the surface, but I become unhappy underneath because I'm living a lie or doing something that makes no sense, and eventually, if the discordance becomes bigger than the options I'll lose by making noise, I'll make waves.

But the basic thing here is that, as far as thinking goes, that's all rational: But in terms of how I behave externally, it's all about maximizing options. To tie it back into the thread theme, I hate shutting doors on relationships until it's finally become very obvious that it needs to end or very detrimental to continue. Every time I've made the decision, I've agonized over it... even if I knew it was for the best.
 
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