[INTP] How have you, as an INTP, dealt with a painful breakup?

[Fluffywolf]

I'm the INTP you want to go grocery shopping with, silly!

... there are different flavors of INTP. I'm far more P and seem to favor my Ne when I interact with the world rather than applying more rigid Ti-style approach on the world.

What happens is that I see that something has to happen (such as splitting up with my SO), it's all very clear to me and makes the most sense, it's not even an issue in terms of what makes sense.... but I just feel very uncomfortable applying that decision because it reduces my options and commits me to a new path. I've always had issues making a decision to change things when it involves closing doors.

It's all about how you look at the relationship in whole. Either objectively or subjectively.

Do you look at it 'from above'? Then your descision will probably be easy. You have an idea of what a relationship should be, and all you need to know is wether or not it applies. If it doesn't suffice, then a break up is inevitable.

Do you look at it 'from your own point of view in terms of environment/habitat/future/integrity, etc.' Then comparing all the aspects in a before/after fashion may result in some negative outcomes. A break up might be prefered on some points, but the chances of losing out in other aspects could not be worth the descision.

I do the first and deal with the conscequences as they come. You seem to favor the second. Neither can be said to be the best course of action as it is situational. Though it is true that my way might be more risky, double or nothing kind of bet. While yours is a more balanced win some or lose some bet.


Obviously, I am extremely Ti-rigid. I have had a moment in my life where I forced myself to rebuild my entire way of thinking, because I was unable to deal with some situations. I have moved my perspective.

 

[JocktheMotie]

Good way to break it down. I think I definitely do more of the second.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Good way to break it down. I think I definitely do more of the second.

I think the first is Ti and the second is Ti-Fe.

 

[Totenkindly]

Do you look at it 'from above'? Then your descision will probably be easy. You have an idea of what a relationship should be, and all you need to know is wether or not it applies. If it doesn't suffice, then a break up is inevitable.

yes, I'm of conflicted mind: I have this sense inherently and almost instinctively (I "see" it almost instantaneously), but I also automatically work it from the subjective canvass as you describe here:

Do you look at it 'from your own point of view in terms of environment/habitat/future/integrity, etc.' Then comparing all the aspects in a before/after fashion may result in some negative outcomes. A break up might be prefered on some points, but the chances of losing out in other aspects could not be worth the descision.

Yeah, I get hung up on this. And even when I make a decision, it's bittersweet because I'm very aware of what I lost.

I do the first and deal with the conscequences as they come. You seem to favor the second.

Yeah, this is sort of my idealism coming out: I keep thinking if I work the issue or wait or whatever else, maybe the outcomes will change.... even if from the objective viewpoint, I see what has to be done.

Unfortunately, now that we are discussing this, I can look back on my life at each of my relationships and see that I had the objective view pegged pretty accurately based on where things ended up, and my fear of loss prevented me from acting on it quickly.

 

[JocktheMotie]

I think the first is Ti and the second is Ti-Fe.

Dunno about that. I'm terribly Fe-phobic. Second might be more Ne oriented.

First seems like: does this relationship conform my standards and principles of an acceptable relationship? [Ti]

Second seems like: What are my possible futures born out of my available choices here, and which choice offers me the best outcome? [Ne]

The Ne version does seem like settling though.

 

[Totenkindly]

I think the first is Ti and the second is Ti-Fe.

I don't, I see it first as more Ne, or (my other guess) as more of a Ti-Ne-Si-Fe combo.

Rationality + Possibilities + Preserving Treasured Experiences/Investment + Positive Relational Environment

 

[Fluffywolf]

Dunno about that. I'm terribly Fe-phobic. Second might be more Ne oriented.

First seems like: does this relationship conform my standards and principles of an acceptable relationship? [Ti]

Second seems like: What are my possible futures born out of my available choices here, and which choice offers me the best outcome? [Ne]

The Ne version does seem like settling though.

I don't, I see it first as more Ne, or (my other guess) as more of a Ti-Ne-Si-Fe combo.

Rationality + Possibilities + Preserving Treasured Experiences/Investment + Positive Relational Environment

I look at it a bit like this.

The first makes the descision based on Ti only, which uses information from other cognative functions, but the descision remains unbiasedly Ti.

The second seems Ti that is biased by Fe, ofcourse it also uses other cognative functions but the descision is Ti that is swayed by Fe. Situational concerns about you and your partner. Value given to unknown factors, (What if? Now, but then? Etc.). Seems like Fe to me. I have those thoughts as well, I just never act on them. I don't assign significant value to them. By giving them importance and value, you make use of your Fe.

But on second thought, maybe it's just something else. Anyways, that bit wasn't important, just popped in my head but it is surprisingly meaningless to the discussion.

Unfortunately, now that we are discussing this, I can look back on my life at each of my relationships and see that I had the objective view pegged pretty accurately based on where things ended up, and my fear of loss prevented me from acting on it quickly.

Well, we will always remain curious to the unknown. There are bright sides to it, I'm sure of it.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I've only had one romantic relationship. It was a conglomerate of disaster, really. I let her get too attached to me and as a result when I finally decided to break up with her she took it rather hard. It was my fault for ignoring the warning signs that I had seen, but, and this is my only rationalization of the situation, I was desperate and this being my first and only relationship thus far I didn't want to let go earlier. I suppose I wanted to see what would happen. Though after time she began to see what I saw so far back and she appreciated my decision. This is the only thing I would expect from someone with whom I just broke up with. I don't make decisions without knowing, or greatly expecting I'm right. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not, reading people is tricky at times, this goes with romantic situations too.

The difficulty I find and what I ask myself constantly when searching for a relationship is whether I'm wanting this other person because I'm lonely, or because I feel that it'll work out. If it's the first I usually immediatly withdraw. If it's the second I allow myself to open up more, express my ideas and such to see if she is receptive as I am towards her. If this doesn't work out that well then it stops there (romantically) and we form a friendship, or they just disappear.

As I get back on topic. When I broke up with her I just wanted her to trust that I was making the right choice and if that was accomplished I was happy. I think if I was broken up with I would want a rational, logical reason... but I find it difficult for anyone to not want this. It just takes time to think the situation over, remember each moment and pick out what you need to feel justified and after that you go on your way.

 

[NotOfTwo]

You have all given great advice and of course I haven't followed any of it. I started talking with him again. He told me that he loved me and off my little heart went with my brain ineffectually yelling "stop, stop!" after it. It lasted three weeks then he told me it was all too much for him right now and he's sorry. I can't describe the crushing feeling I have right now. It really doesn't help that he is the only person that i have felt actually understood me and my oddities- in my life. My life! Dramatic but oh so true. The ragged hole gapes.

 

[Dali]

Wow. You guys have... feelings. Nice.

p.s. Let's blame the necrophilia on the similar threads feature at the bottom of the page.

 

[Kaizer]

The one time I got dumped unexpectedly, it took another four years for me to get over it. We didn't see each other much, I'd feel like I was over it, but then if we ever got together for anything, I'd get conflicting signals and then my heart would leap at the thought of it working again.

you were good.. that's a relatively short period of time (assuming it was your first or maybe second such experience and that you were invested into it in 'INTP terms').

If you can "kill it dead" to yourself and not have unrealistic hopes / mixed vibes on it, that will speed the process. Eventually I became interested in other people and focused on other pursuits. The "hole" in your life until that time, where you keep wanting to be with or think about the missing person, is the worst.

the bold bit is a good explanation/remedy and it explains a lot else too

 

[Totenkindly]

Wow. You guys have... feelings. Nice.

Actually, it's all just a lie meant to sucker you ISFPs in. Mua ha ha.

you were good.. that's a relatively short period of time (assuming it was your first or maybe second such experience and that you were invested into it in 'INTP terms').

It was my second romance, the person had chased me, I finally fell for them hard... and then I got dumped, but the person kept giving me mixed signals and going out of their way to do things for me on special occasions. I would rather I had just been left alone, since all it did was confuse me.

It was kind of funny when I finally just found someone else, and the shoe was on the other foot.

I know a lot more about relationships and love now and can get through things much faster, although feelings still can linger. But back then I was still figuring everything out.