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Thread: Asking for help

  1. #1
    Senior Member Gen's Avatar
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    Default Asking for help

    NT's are supposed to be autonomous so I suspect most will say they hate asking for help. But how much? Can you ask your family for help if you need it? Things like, I need a ride, a co-signer, a babysitter, a small loan... stuff like that.

    How is your family about helping each other? I think this may make a difference. My family is so ridiculously independent and autonomous (even though everyone needs help) that I can't bring myself to ask for a freaking tissue when I sneeze! That's an exaggeration... anyway...

    Thoughts?

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    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    You're allowed to ask anyone for anything you'd like. Interdependence is a hallmark of family and community.

    Part of autonomy is giving others the opportunity to accept or refuse your request, however. Where families go wrong is for punishing/shaming each other for asking for something, or else feeling obligated to give anyone what they want if they do ask. Now there is bondage involved, rather than freedom.

    A mature relationship provides total freedom for people to ask and for people to be refused if necessary, without shame or ridicule.

    (Personally, I hate to ask for things, and I used to hate being asked. I sort of had to work through all that, however, and realize good relationships weren't as messed up as those in my family had been; and I feel a lot better about the mature reciprocal relationships.)

    PS. Please don't ask me for money, I'm not giving you any.
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    Senior Member miked277's Avatar
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    w/ my family, asking for help and how i feel about it depends on how i've treated them recently. for example, occasionallly i can be hard to reach and more or less intentionally ignore them... after doing that i feel like a big jerk asking for their help. if i feel i'm owed one, i generally don't mind asking.

    as for people in general, yeah i have a basic attitude of "i can do this myself" so outside of tasks that obviously need a a group to complete i try to do it myself first before asking for help.

    or if i just have zero interest in the task or zero expertise, i ask for help readily.

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    Senior Member MerkW's Avatar
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    Yes, I generally dislike asking for help.

    My father is similar in this regard, taking it to very extreme. He could very well be an INTJ who acts somewhat impulsively and is stressed out and thus uses Se quite a bit. He could also be an very organized ISTP with a rather strong Te. For whatever reason, asking for help is almost a phobia for him.
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    ^He pronks, too! Magic Poriferan's Avatar
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    I think I have somewhat of a hang-up asking for help.
    I don't think it's anything too strong, though.
    Last edited by Magic Poriferan; 12-13-2007 at 05:59 PM. Reason: wrong word
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    I only ask for help as a last resort if all other options failed.

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    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gen View Post
    NT's are supposed to be autonomous so I suspect most will say they hate asking for help. But how much? Can you ask your family for help if you need it? Things like, I need a ride, a co-signer, a babysitter, a small loan... stuff like that.

    How is your family about helping each other? I think this may make a difference. My family is so ridiculously independent and autonomous (even though everyone needs help) that I can't bring myself to ask for a freaking tissue when I sneeze! That's an exaggeration... anyway...

    Thoughts?
    I used to feel bad to ask anyone to do anything for me. It took me a long time to learn how. I didn't think I was important enough or significant enough or love-able enough to deserve anything. I couldn't even ask my husband to do things that would "please" me.

    Jesus taught that when a person does a good deed, they get treasure in Heaven. Now I think, if I ask someone to do something for me, I'm giving them the opportunity to get treasure in Heaven, so I don't feel bad about it. St. Paul also taught that whatever good you do for someone, God will do for you. So whether I am doing the good deed or receiving the good deed, I am sure that it will all work out in the end.

    I learned to think this way because as Jennifer pointer out, it's important for humans to rely on each other. It's not good for us to be an island unto ourselves.

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    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    My family's like yours Gen, in that regard.

    I'm actually fairly free with asking 'logistical' help, though only the kind where I can't do things myself, like if I need someone with an HGV licence to drive a truck for me cos I haven't got one, but I always compensate people in some way that we both agree to.

    It's personal, emotional help I simply cannot bring myself to ask for.

    As a Franciscan I have a motto to keep to: "ask nothing, refuse nothing". It means I don't ask anyone for anything, but I accept anything and everything that's offered to me. Even if it's not something i need, if I accept it anyway then I'm a) giving that person a chance to give and b) I can give it away to someone else who wants it.
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    Senior Member Gen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post

    I'm actually fairly free with asking 'logistical' help, though only the kind where I can't do things myself, like if I need someone with an HGV licence to drive a truck for me cos I haven't got one, but I always compensate people in some way that we both agree to.

    It's personal, emotional help I simply cannot bring myself to ask for.
    I had a really hard time even asking my uncle to help me move a mattress. Which he couldn't do and I had to rent a truck to do it without him.

    Emotional? Ha. We don't talk about our feelings in our family. Ever.

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    Glowy Goopy Goodness The_Liquid_Laser's Avatar
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    I really really hate to ask for help. I know I take this to an irrational level. Somebody help me!!! :sad:
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