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  1. #11
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    When I choose to act compassionate towards someone else, the labels like 'kindness' or 'generosity' tend to slip my mind because I'm so intensely focused on the integrity of the act itself, regardless of what others may believe. Often times, my compassion is delivered in a very subtle (though effective) format, and due to its hidden nature, people are typically shocked when they discover how much thought and effort I put into helping them out, because my apathetic demeanor suggests nothing of that sort.

    I suppose I like it that way. It's better to be unexpected. On the other hand, my subtlety sometimes gives people the wrong impression. [As an example: My mother thought for years that I loathed her very presence, but honestly, it was quite the opposite -- I highly admired her dedication & strength of will. Always have. Just being expressive about it never crossed my mind.]

    Quote Originally Posted by tcda View Post
    Re the OP, yes the INTJ's I know are quite compassionate, though some try to hide it.
    I tend to downplay (or avoid hinting at) my compassionate side mostly out of self-preservation. I like to know that 'kindness' is something I do because I genuinely feel it, not out of a social obligation.
    "I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan

    Enneagram: Tritype - 1w9, 5 (balanced wings), 2w3; Overall Variant: So/Sx
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    Functional Preferences: Ni, Te/Fi, Ti, Se, Fe, Si, Ne


    Quote Originally Posted by OneWithSoul View Post
    Looking into the eyes of a [Ni user] is like peeking through a portal into a parallel universe.

  2. #12
    Happy Dancer uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lethe View Post
    I tend to downplay (or avoid hinting at) my compassionate side mostly out of self-preservation. I like to know that 'kindness' is something I do because I genuinely feel it, not out of a social obligation.
    I suspect this is very much a learned habit for INTJs. That tertiary Fi, if reasonably healthy at all, wants to help others just as much as an xNFP. What happens, though, is that eventually we note that others are taking advantage of us and feel entitled to the help, or are ungrateful for the help, or otherwise treat the INTJ with disrespect or disdain in spite of the help.

    I think this makes INTJs shield that part of ourselves with a cold, unemotional exterior, to prevent being asked for help. And when that help is requested, we really have no problem just saying, "No," no matter how rude it may sound, as long as we suspect that it isn't a genuine need.

    As Oro notes, we gradually become older and more experienced, both with establishing boundaries and determining the motives of others, and we thus gradually become more open and helpful and compassionate when the need arises.
    An argument is two people sharing their ignorance.

    A discussion is two people sharing their understanding, even when they disagree.

  3. #13
    Happy Dancer uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Yes, that has been my experience, and they are great for helping when you have problems...

    (am I even allowed to post here???)
    Yes, you are, Gromit!
    An argument is two people sharing their ignorance.

    A discussion is two people sharing their understanding, even when they disagree.

  4. #14
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lethe View Post
    I tend to downplay (or avoid hinting at) my compassionate side mostly out of self-preservation. I like to know that 'kindness' is something I do because I genuinely feel it, not out of a social obligation.
    Yes. I don't have across the board compassion and I don't bend to what society says women in particular should be (nurturing, compassionate, emotional). I simply have it when I feel it and it's not forced when I do.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  5. #15
    Senior Member Lightyear's Avatar
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    AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

    GROUP HUG!

    I wanna cuddle my stone-faced little angels.

  6. #16
    psicobolche tcda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lethe View Post
    I tend to downplay (or avoid hinting at) my compassionate side mostly out of self-preservation. I like to know that 'kindness' is something I do because I genuinely feel it, not out of a social obligation.
    Quote Originally Posted by uumlau View Post
    I suspect this is very much a learned habit for INTJs. That tertiary Fi, if reasonably healthy at all, wants to help others just as much as an xNFP. What happens, though, is that eventually we note that others are taking advantage of us and feel entitled to the help, or are ungrateful for the help, or otherwise treat the INTJ with disrespect or disdain in spite of the help.

    I think this makes INTJs shield that part of ourselves with a cold, unemotional exterior, to prevent being asked for help. And when that help is requested, we really have no problem just saying, "No," no matter how rude it may sound, as long as we suspect that it isn't a genuine need.

    As Oro notes, we gradually become older and more experienced, both with establishing boundaries and determining the motives of others, and we thus gradually become more open and helpful and compassionate when the need arises.
    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    Yes. I don't have across the board compassion and I don't bend to what society says women in particular should be (nurturing, compassionate, emotional). I simply have it when I feel it and it's not forced when I do.
    This is interesting. I think INTP's show compassion precisely in order to get along - not purely selfishly just because my Fe drives me to organize my surroundings according to the need for cohesion and inclusion - I like to see a group function and each person to have a role. It's adaptable to circumstance and I wear it outwardly.

    With the INTJ then it's the opposite I guess, deep attachment to certain values or people which when touched will motivate great compassion, but when not "unleashed", will appear absent.

    So in other words you're all softer on the inside than INTP's? </runs for cover>
    "Of course we spent our money in the good times. That's what you're supposed to do in good times! You can't save money in the good times. Then they wouldn't be good times, they'd be 'preparation for the bad times' times."

    "Every country in the world owes money. Everyone. So heere's what I dont get: who do they all owe it to, and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?"

    -Tommy Tiernan, Irish comedian.

  7. #17
    Per Ardua Metamorphosis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    The older INTJs-they often are much more open about this sense of compassion-they care for larger groups of people. There is a sense of mentorship, inspired leadership, devotion to integrity.
    I've been thinking about this and it seems to make sense. Although, I wonder if they are more open about their compassion, as you say, or if they are generally more compassionate, as I suspect.

    I think that INTJ's, as opposed to other types, build their foundations thoroughly and slowly. I really think that it takes longer for us to reach the necessary point of self-appreciation because of our initially weak social skills and insecurities. You can't really love, care about, and help other people until you can appreciate and take care of yourself. This is why you see the rampant megalomania in many younger INTJ's. It's like a hasty self-preservation mechanism that is sometimes necessary to be able to feel secure enough to begin caring about other people.
    "You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit."

    Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office
    than to serve and obey them. - David Hume

  8. #18
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oddly Refined View Post
    On more than one occasion, I was compassionate in my own horribly analytical problem solving manner.
    You expend energy to help someone specifically because you do care. Many people however seem to appreciate being told what they want to hear and view us as being overly critical. Others do recognize it though. I once had someone tell me that I was "passionate" and "compassionate". I think it is relevant feedback for many INTJs.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    I know very few young INTJs.

    My mid thirties INTJs feel deeply but very quietly. But they can be very compassionate to very specific people or causes. But can look very cold on the surface.

    The older INTJs-they often are much more open about this sense of compassion-they care for larger groups of people. There is a sense of mentorship, inspired leadership, devotion to integrity. Like they tangled their Ni visions up with Fi sorta. They use their strength to drive those goals forward in a sense of stewardship. They still have impossible standards, and but are somewhat more accepting of my 80% half hearted efforts than my mid-30s friends.

    I so love my intjs.

    The ones I know
    I think all of this is dead on, especially the bolded parts.

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  9. #19
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Uumlau

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    Four INTJs, I know or know-ish whom I deem to be incredibly compassionate.

    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

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  10. #20
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by uumlau View Post
    I suspect this is very much a learned habit for INTJs. That tertiary Fi, if reasonably healthy at all, wants to help others just as much as an xNFP. What happens, though, is that eventually we note that others are taking advantage of us and feel entitled to the help, or are ungrateful for the help, or otherwise treat the INTJ with disrespect or disdain in spite of the help.

    I think this makes INTJs shield that part of ourselves with a cold, unemotional exterior, to prevent being asked for help. And when that help is requested, we really have no problem just saying, "No," no matter how rude it may sound, as long as we suspect that it isn't a genuine need.

    As Oro notes, we gradually become older and more experienced, both with establishing boundaries and determining the motives of others, and we thus gradually become more open and helpful and compassionate when the need arises.
    Definitely a learned habit. For myself, it was because the less people expected from me emotionally, the easier it was to stay in-sync with my own drumbeat. By not saying anything, you don't have to negotiate what has never been up for public debate in the first place. I have no problems with being upfront about Te-related skills, since I know this is something I can deliver consistently under the weight of enormous outside pressure, or change if I need to.

    My Fi is rather unpredictable and flighty, so you're absolutely right about Fi needing maturation and experience before it can truly be open to others. One of my main obstacles was not drawing enough personal boundaries --- I seem to sacrifice my needs for the needs of those closest to me (like Uytuun). Actually, it was ridiculous to the point where an INFJ friend had to forcibly anchor me back down to reason, step by step. The more I was able to say, "No, I can't go through with this. It requires abilities beyond what I'm willing to do.", the better I was about sharing my sentiments. So, if I ever happen to mention that I enjoy helping people, I'd also make it very clear this occurs on my terms. This probably ties in with wanting to be competent at whichever field I choose, so being held to an unreachable standard is a burden. [That's my heighten sense of accountability talking. ]

    Still, it's mostly an "oh, and, uh, by the way..." kind of thing.

    I have no idea how applicable this is to other INTJs, so I'm mainly speaking for myself.

    Quote Originally Posted by tcda View Post
    This is interesting. I think INTP's show compassion precisely in order to get along - not purely selfishly just because my Fe drives me to organize my surroundings according to the need for cohesion and inclusion - I like to see a group function and each person to have a role. It's adaptable to circumstance and I wear it outwardly.
    Ah, I'd just normally let the cohesion and inclusion happen on its own, unless there is limited time. Then I would use Te to keep everyone on the same page. [Ex: We're all after the same goal here. Let's stay focused on solving problems we have now, instead of complicating them further. Personal differences aside, any ideas for improvements?] Or I'd use my Fi in an ENFP-like manner to inspire others to find their voice, and tie those similarities together into the group's objective.

    Only when the situation becomes FUBAR, I'll rely on Fe.
    "I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan

    Enneagram: Tritype - 1w9, 5 (balanced wings), 2w3; Overall Variant: So/Sx
    SLOAN: rCoa|I|
    Functional Preferences: Ni, Te/Fi, Ti, Se, Fe, Si, Ne


    Quote Originally Posted by OneWithSoul View Post
    Looking into the eyes of a [Ni user] is like peeking through a portal into a parallel universe.

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